Husband Can't Keep a Job

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Something else to consider:
You children are growing up believing this is the way families work.

It’s not.
Strive to teach them a better way.
I’m praying hard for you.
 
pianistclare said:
Something else to consider:
You children are growing up believing this is the way families work.

It’s not.
Strive to teach them a better way.
I’m praying hard for you.
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Yes. However, in difficult times stay at home moms work to preserve the family. All options have not been tried yet.
Marriage is a partnership and wives do not have to sit idly by and watch finances implode, without any action on thier part…

I can see his explanation in the future if this marriage does not work… “we got divorced because my wife refused to work, and I had trouble finding a job. I was her meal ticket, and when the money dried up she left.” She also trashed me to her family.

The kids will hear this version too.
 
mommy_k said:
There are many issues at work here…

The first, is that your husband does not realize that hard work is respected, not titles or position. He may also have a problem that needs counseling before he can stabilize in the work force. If his only work experience in IT perhaps the culture of this position is not for him…and a poor fit with the personality types that are predominant in his field…
Perhaps sales would be good for him even part time until he finds something else.

If no one else is building him up, he will continue to do it for himself through an arrogant attitude. This may be how he copes.

The second issue is that you need to insist he let you work. I am all about traditional roles, but spouses cover each other., and he needs to be open to this. There are many dual income families with children…there is no shame in providing stability this way.

My question is if you were financially secure, would you have a different outlook about your husband–ie does he have any noble qualities, and do you love him…if the answer is yes, I would help him and give it another try.

I also would not share too much info with your extended family, and stop taking money and gift cards. They have a very negative view of him and will push you to leave him. It is not helpful to complain and vent about your husband to others unless there is abuse . If your marriage gets back on track, there may be some collateral damage from this and relationships between them may never heal.

If you are in dire straits, tell him to go to his parents instead, until this passes and you begin to move forward.

I would put a time limit on the above and sit down with him… Give him options, and be kind about it, and make it a goall, not an ultimatum.
If he still refuses to listen or misses the time frame, I would move with the children to your parents until he realizes you mean business and straightens out.

Your job as a mom is to provide security and stability as well, so don’t let him take this away from you. You don’t have to sit idly by and watch as a spectator while this all goes down the tubes.

I definitely would be called to action.
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Well the problem is this. I have not worked for over 11 years, and I am at a huge disadvantage, as I never planned to be a career woman. I could maybe get a job at a Starbucks or Target, but that would not really solve our financial problems as those jobs pay too little to make childcare worthwhile (my kids are 4, 6, and 10.) I am 39 years of age and would be competing against younger people with no other life commitments or responsibilities, who would take off work when the kids were sick or had sports games? My husband says he is too busy “looking for work” and not suited for being a full time homemaker.

If I worked full time I would come home to a filthy house, kids who hadn’t done their homework, and a dark kitchen waiting for me to cook dinner, then I’d stay up doing all the housekeeping and laundry, and I’d still have to make all the kids appointments, schedule car pool, manage school events.

The bottom line is that it is not practical for me to work. We put my husband through a masters program because this is his role and his responsibility which he CHOSE. There is no reason he can’t work at all other than that he doesn’t want to. He is not ill, or severely disabled. He did not get hurt or die. We have insurance for those emergencies. There is no insurance for being a loser.

The only reason we did not lose our house prior to this is that when his grandma died in 2010, she left us a nice chunk of money that was supposed to be used to make investments for our future but instead we have depleted it for living expenses and private medical insurance for the kids. It wasn’t a life-altering amount of money, it was about 400,000, but I think my husband felt like he was living the dream. He did not see how quickly 400,000 can be spent and gone especially with three kids. He thought he could coast and wasted time going to seminars and get rich quick conferences that only wasted our money. I should have never married him.

I am reluctant to reveal the cash my parents give me because it’s MINE. It’s how I paid for school supplies, how i buy groceries, how I fill my gas tank. I am really not sure I want to let that go and have my kids and myself suffer even more because my husband is a piece of garbage.
 
ConfusedLucy said:
Maybe your husband needs to know your parents are supporting you, it might be a wake up call.
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I agree with this. At this point, why protect his pride? He’s not providing for his family. He should be ashamed.

Edit to add: I’m not saying you should give up control of the money, just let him know perhaps that his unwillingness to support the family has resulted in your parents stepping in and doing so.

In nearly every instance of a thread like this, I hold to the Catholic position of “marriage for life”. But in this one…OP, maybe you should finish packing your bags. I’m not saying jump straight to divorce, but separation doesn’t sound like a bad idea for you or the kids, particularly if your parents will help you with watching the kids so you can start looking for work. It would take back a certain amount of control, and you could start laying down the rules for what you expect for reconciliation, including mandatory couples and individual counseling for him (as it does sound like he has a psychological issue that is causing his problems here). If he fails, he has no one to blame but himself.
 
mommy_k said:
I don’t think this would subtract from conflict and he may think yay, we are on another payroll here
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It won’t be an easy conversation but conflict can’t always be avoided. It would be better to try and tell him calmly rather than it explode out whilst in the middle of an argument. It’s enabling him to put his head in the sand.

Also I’m no marriage expert but it doesn’t seem like a good to have sources of income that you keep secret from your spouse, I think spouses should be open with each other about finances. Not that I am criticizing you, just that its obviously not a good situation.
 
LuLuWatermelon said:
Well the problem is this. I have not worked for over 11 years, and I am at a huge disadvantage, as I never planned to be a career woman. I could maybe get a job at a Starbucks or Target, but that would not really solve our financial problems as those jobs pay too little to make childcare worthwhile (my kids are 4, 6, and 10.) I am 39 years of age and would be competing against younger people with no other life commitments or responsibilities, who would take off work when the kids were sick or had sports games? My husband says he is too busy “looking for work” and not suited for being a full time homemaker.

If I worked full time I would come home to a filthy house, kids who hadn’t done their homework, and a dark kitchen waiting for me to cook dinner, then I’d stay up doing all the housekeeping and laundry, and I’d still have to make all the kids appointments, schedule car pool, manage school events.

The bottom line is that it is not practical for me to work. We put my husband through a masters program because this is his role and his responsibility which he CHOSE. There is no reason he can’t work at all other than that he doesn’t want to. He is not ill, or severely disabled. He did not get hurt or die. We have insurance for those emergencies. There is no insurance for being a loser.

The only reason we did not lose our house prior to this is that when his grandma died in 2010, she left us a nice chunk of money that was supposed to be used to make investments for our future but instead we have depleted it for living expenses and private medical insurance for the kids. It wasn’t a life-altering amount of money, it was about 400,000, but I think my husband felt like he was living the dream. He did not see how quickly 400,000 can be spent and gone especially with three kids. He thought he could coast and wasted time going to seminars and get rich quick conferences that only wasted our money. I should have never married him.

I am reluctant to reveal the cash my parents give me because it’s MINE. It’s how I paid for school supplies, how i buy groceries, how I fill my gas tank. I am really not sure I want to let that go and have my kids and myself suffer even more because my husband is a piece of garbage.
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Wow.
I was a stay at home mom for many years too, and I went back to work when I saw that we could not afford Catholic tuition for both elementary and high school. We have several kids ages college down to elementary., i am not the homeschooling type of person.

I never used childcare…I am blessed ro work when dh can be here. I work about 30 ours a week…and was not considered obsolete when I went back. The kids make sports and things too. I requested a schedule to allow this and i thought it would be impossivle…but I got what I needed-- I believe God helps those who help themselves, and this was a prime example of His work in my life.

My salary is no where near dh’s, and i too helped him pay his student loans when we first were married…with me working full time before the kids were born.

Our joint expectation was for me to be home when I can and which I truly value, but pitch in as needed, and that’s what I do. Life comes in seasons and now it’s my season to work outside the home a bit.

I do most if not all of the homekeeping too, but I do it our of love for my dh–my true vocation is wife and mother… As a joke sometimes I take a picture of the house when I leave it to go to work, and show him and the older kids- when I return…-yes there is a difference. But we are together and happy so that means more to me.

I think if your marriage was worth it to you and you loved your husband, you would embrace change and forgive him for blowing this inheritance and give things another chance, but you state he is a loser and garbage so there seems to be no love there to rescue and preserve.
 
LuLuWatermelon said:
Luckily, my parents secretly send me gift cards and cash to pay for things like groceries, clothes, and other necessesities because they can’t stand the thought of us going without. However, I do not tell my husband that they do this, or I will say, “Oh, they send these for Valentine’s Day/Halloween” etc. He would be embarrassed if he thought my parents were floating us, which of course they are.
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Well that’s just too bad if it embarrasses him. It’s the truth.

You are not going to get him out. You may lose your home. What then?

As I said on another thread: You can’t change him. You’ve been trying that for a long time and it hasn’t worked. You can only change yourself. What are your options?
 
LuLuWatermelon said:
I am reluctant to reveal the cash my parents give me because it’s MINE. It’s how I paid for school supplies, how i buy groceries, how I fill my gas tank. I am really not sure I want to let that go and have my kids and myself suffer even more because my husband is a piece of garbage.
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So you see secretly taking money from your parents as a solution? How is that right?

I am disturbed by you saying the cash is YOURS. Like you earned it, worked for it, deserve it. It was most likely given by your parents for your **family, **all of it.

And I am disturbed that you would come on a forum, anonymous though it may be, and call your husband a piece of garbage.
 
Irishmom2 said:
So you see secretly taking money from your parents as a solution? How is that right?

I am disturbed by you saying the cash is YOURS. Like you earned it, worked for it, deserve it. It was most likely given by your parents for your **family, **all of it.

And I am disturbed that you would come on a forum, anonymous though it may be, and call your husband a piece of garbage.
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In charity, she just got done telling us her hubby blew through $400K. I think she’s got a right, for the sake of her children, to not let him control the funds her parents are giving her because he won’t get a job.
 
OP,
The church doesn’t expect you to be a doormat.
You’ve given it many years to work out. He is not doing his part. He has essentially left the marriage. You are his mommy, for all intents and purposes.
Pack.
Don’t look back unless there is a huge amount of change, but I’m betting he wont change. You hinted that you thought it might change in the beginning. It hasn’t, and it probably won’t.
Show your children you are strong.
This is a very high level of dysfunction for a family. You’ll have to support everyone anyway, even if you both stay. What’s the difference? You’ll get a job, and the judge will force him to support his children. You can get help from your parish. Most people have no idea how many struggling mothers pastors and parishes help financially.
You’ll make it. It won’t be a walk in the park, but I don’t see how it could be any worse.
 
AKDee said:
In charity, she just got done telling us her hubby blew through $400K. I think she’s got a right, for the sake of her children, to not let him control the funds her parents are giving her because he won’t get a job.
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She said he used it to pay for living expenses and her children’s insurance. That sounds like it benefited the whole family.

Look, I am not saying the guy shouldn’t get a job. But she is not being fair either. She could have used the money just as she has, but told him she had it, where she got it, and how it was to be spent. Instead, she kept it a secret. Hmmm. How did her husband think things were getting paid for…she should have told him outright.

And as far as charitable, I stand by my comment that she should not be calling her husband a piece of garbage.

I agree with Clare. It is up to her to make a change. Her husband has proven he isn’t going to.
 
So we have a man who’s worked 10 out of 13 years of your marriage, has significant personality flaws, has fathered three children with you and used his inheritance for living expenses and the children’s insurance.

Your solutions–MLM schemes and secretly accepting money from your parents–haven’t worked out. You are so angry with him that you refer to him as a piece of garbage and want to leave him to (presumably) live off of your parents full time. (Your work prospects won’t get better if you divorce him, so the problems you anticipate in going back to work would still exist if you left him; on top of that you’d have to pay for a divorce.)

What do your financial discussions with your husband look like? Do you think you can have a calm talk with him in which you lay out the financial situation fully and transparently (including disclosing the money you’ve been receiving from your parents), without berating him for his inability to provide? What happens when the two of you together come up with an assessment of your circumstances, and a plan for improving them?
 
LuLuWatermelon said:
Well the problem is this. I have not worked for over 11 years, and I am at a huge disadvantage, as I never planned to be a career woman. I could maybe get a job at a Starbucks or Target, but that would not really solve our financial problems as those jobs pay too little to make childcare worthwhile (my kids are 4, 6, and 10.) I am 39 years of age and would be competing against younger people with no other life commitments or responsibilities, who would take off work when the kids were sick or had sports games? My husband says he is too busy “looking for work” and not suited for being a full time homemaker.

If I worked full time I would come home to a filthy house, kids who hadn’t done their homework, and a dark kitchen waiting for me to cook dinner, then I’d stay up doing all the housekeeping and laundry, and I’d still have to make all the kids appointments, schedule car pool, manage school events.

The bottom line is that it is not practical for me to work. We put my husband through a masters program because this is his role and his responsibility which he CHOSE. There is no reason he can’t work at all other than that he doesn’t want to. He is not ill, or severely disabled. He did not get hurt or die. We have insurance for those emergencies. There is no insurance for being a loser.

The only reason we did not lose our house prior to this is that when his grandma died in 2010, she left us a nice chunk of money that was supposed to be used to make investments for our future but instead we have depleted it for living expenses and private medical insurance for the kids. It wasn’t a life-altering amount of money, it was about 400,000, but I think my husband felt like he was living the dream. He did not see how quickly 400,000 can be spent and gone especially with three kids. He thought he could coast and wasted time going to seminars and get rich quick conferences that only wasted our money. I should have never married him.

I am reluctant to reveal the cash my parents give me because it’s MINE. It’s how I paid for school supplies, how i buy groceries, how I fill my gas tank. I am really not sure I want to let that go and have my kids and myself suffer even more because my husband is a piece of garbage.
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Just something to think and pray about here…

If you leave your husband or ask him to leave, you will need to find the way to work, cover child care expenses, all bills, everything, on your income alone. You will come home to the exact circumstances at home without him in the picture as you will with him there. You never know, he may surprise you by helping out more when you are working than he does currently. If not, you really aren’t any worse off and at lest are making progress towards self sufficiency. If you start making that happen right now, while your husband is still in the picture, at least while he is employed you will have the ability to pool your money together and potentially build up savings while he is working to cover expenses when he is not.

It kind of disturbs me that somehow $400,000 (described by you as not that large an amount!) for a family of 5 took so little amount of time to go through, even while your parents are sending you money and gift cards. That’s almost half a million dollars! Maybe even more with the money from family coming your way. You all really need to figure out how to cut down on your expenses. That’s absolutely way more money than is needed for a family your size. And if he’s only been unemployed about 3 out if 13 years, that is 10 years of income from him. In the job market the way it is currently, that’s pretty good employment. Many people are unable to find employment at all and keeping a job long term is even harder.

Instead of calling your husband ugly names and placing all the blame for your finances on him, change what you can yourself. Find ways to rebond with your husband. Pray for him and with him. Life is hard, but you don’t need to make it harder. If the situation is so bad you want to leave him, live right now as you have left or he has left. Figure out how you would make it work if he were no longer around. Arrange child care and get used to having all responsibilities on your own shoulders. That’s the way it’s heading If you do seperate.
 
I think that maybe both need to get couples counseling. Also, maybe he could start a business as a consultant. Another thing, has the lady looked into getting a job with the local school district,in stead of MLM?
School distritcs have openings for various positions from custodian and bus driver to secretaries and receptionists. Some only require a high school diploma or GED. You also get health benefits and they pay into a pension system .Some even pay also into Social Security. Would be worth a shot you know.
 
AKDee said:
In charity, she just got done telling us her hubby blew through $400K. I think she’s got a right, for the sake of her children, to not let him control the funds her parents are giving her because he won’t get a job.
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The 400 k was his inheritance from his grandmother and he used it for the family. He could have put it in an IRA for himself.

The op stated the money from her family is hers though.

I wonder if she does the budget or he does or if it is a joint venture.
 
I hope she keeps it fro herself. He blew through the other money, which he could have used to pay off the mortgage.
:rolleyes:
 
pianistclare said:
I hope she keeps it fro herself. He blew through the other money, which he could have used to pay off the mortgage.
:rolleyes:
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we don’t know who handles the finances and if she does, she could have done the same.

In a traditional family home- the husband is the breadwinner, and the wife’s role is to preserve and protect her spouses earnings.🤷 some women forget that part…

There may be not much now, but there was 400K to budget out. If he is truly as she has painted, then she should leave. But this is not what I am inferring from the op’s posts.
 
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