Husband Can't Keep a Job

[Allegra]

Well the problem is this. I have not worked for over 11 years, and I am at a huge disadvantage, as I never planned to be a career woman. I could maybe get a job at a Starbucks or Target, but that would not really solve our financial problems as those jobs pay too little to make childcare worthwhile (my kids are 4, 6, and 10.) I am 39 years of age and would be competing against younger people with no other life commitments or responsibilities, who would take off work when the kids were sick or had sports games? My husband says he is too busy “looking for work” and not suited for being a full time homemaker.

If I worked full time I would come home to a filthy house, kids who hadn’t done their homework, and a dark kitchen waiting for me to cook dinner, then I’d stay up doing all the housekeeping and laundry, and I’d still have to make all the kids appointments, schedule car pool, manage school events.

The bottom line is that it is not practical for me to work. We put my husband through a masters program because this is his role and his responsibility which he CHOSE. There is no reason he can’t work at all other than that he doesn’t want to. He is not ill, or severely disabled. He did not get hurt or die. We have insurance for those emergencies. There is no insurance for being a loser.

The only reason we did not lose our house prior to this is that when his grandma died in 2010, she left us a nice chunk of money that was supposed to be used to make investments for our future but instead we have depleted it for living expenses and private medical insurance for the kids. It wasn’t a life-altering amount of money, it was about 400,000, but I think my husband felt like he was living the dream. He did not see how quickly 400,000 can be spent and gone especially with three kids. He thought he could coast and wasted time going to seminars and get rich quick conferences that only wasted our money. I should have never married him.

I am reluctant to reveal the cash my parents give me because it’s MINE. It’s how I paid for school supplies, how i buy groceries, how I fill my gas tank. I am really not sure I want to let that go and have my kids and myself suffer even more because my husband is a piece of garbage.

$400,000 isn’t a life altering amount of money?! That’s over four years of our household income! If someone gave us that, we’d own our house free and clear! We’d no longer have a house payment. How is that not life changing? It sounds like you don’t want to work either. Good luck with that.

 

[heidi_storage]

I hope she keeps it fro herself. He blew through the other money, which he could have used to pay off the mortgage.

Er, living expenses and children’s health insurance are hardly frivolous expenses. It doesn’t sound like the family is good with money, but that can be improved. Bitterhope’s post is a good one, The bigger problem here is that they’re not working together as a team for the good of the family.

OP: Even if you divorced your husband and obtained an annulment, you are still tied to him for life. He is your children’s father. You will have to work out an agreement with him one way or another. Honestly, from what you have told us, it doesn’t sound like divorce is going to solve anything, and the children will be taken away from their father.

 

[Irishmom2]

She said he used it to pay for living expenses and her children’s insurance. That sounds like it benefited the whole family.

I hope she keeps it fro herself. He blew through the other money, which he could have used to pay off the mortgage.

I don’t think paying for living expenses and their kids insurance is “blowing through” money, Clare. Come on now…

 

[pianistclare]

Er, living expenses and children’s health insurance are hardly frivolous expenses. It doesn’t sound like the family is good with money, but that can be improved. Bitterhope’s post is a good one, The bigger problem here is that they’re not working together as a team for the good of the family.

OP: Even if you divorced your husband and obtained an annulment, you are still tied to him for life. He is your children’s father. You will have to work out an agreement with him one way or another. Honestly, from what you have told us, it doesn’t sound like divorce is going to solve anything, and the children will be taken away from their father.

Did I say anything about frivolous?
There would plenty of money left for the essentials if there was no house payment.
The OP is the one that used the term “blow through”.

I’m out.
This thread has gone down the tubes.

 

[bitterhope]

$400,000 isn’t a life altering amount of money?! That’s over four years of our household income! If someone gave us that, we’d own our house free and clear! We’d no longer have a house payment. How is that not life changing? It sounds like you don’t want to work either. Good luck with that.

It’s way more than 4 years income for the majority of American families.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Household_income_in_the_United_States

Apparently for most US families $400,000 is closer to 8-10 years income than it is 4 years income. For anyone to not consider that a life altering amount is outrageous. I can’t even imagine circumstances where receiving an inheritance at all, let alone hundreds of thousands of dollars, is a possibility for most people to even dream of.

I do have sympathy for this family though. When spouses are not on the same page with life choices often things seem completely overwhelming. When secrecy and selfishness are an everyday part of the way they live out their life together it just continues to spiral out of control. She can’t force changes on anyone but herself so she might as well start trying to find alternatives she can make happen and continue praying he follows her lead.

 

[fladreamer]

I hope she keeps it fro herself. He blew through the other money, which he could have used to pay off the mortgage.

Yeah I sort of got the impression that both weren’t exactly fiance geniuses. At the most basic, budget is about balancing income with expenditure. And debt needs to be taken care of quickly. If the 400 000$ inheritance story is true, then he’s pretty much hopeless. Only a fool wouldn’t use that money to pay off the mortgage, put some money for the kids in an education fund, pay for badly needed repairs on car(s), or buy a new car, pay for home repairs, get tooth work done, and go on family trips (doesn’t have to be Bora Bora Club Med either). Then if there’s any money left, get crazy and go to ‘‘get rich quick’’ seminars for suckers. That money could have been a life changer. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but her husband is pathetic. You know what they say about money and a fool.

Is the ‘‘fro’’ a freudian slip (from) or is it a typo?

 

[LuLuWatermelon]

I just want to say that in some parts of the country, 400k is not the same as other parts. For example, where I live the median home price is over $1,000,000. I know that is super shocking to a lot of people but that will buy you a very average 1,600 square foot home here. Our house is not a million dollar house, it’s on the lower end for our area, but even the worst most ratty, old, awful house in this town is well over 500k.

My parents live in Arizona which is much much cheaper and I would actually be open to moving my family there BUT my husband is from this area and says there won’t be any IT jobs in Arizona. He says he has lived here for over 40 years and does not want to leave. But obviously we are going to have to even if it’s just 20 minutes away, the homes are cheaper.

So, when I tell you that the 400k lasted several years, that is because I was being extremely conservative and cautious with it.

My husband doesn’t really want to sit down and look at the finances. We have very little credit card debt due to the inheritance and my parents bailing us out, but I am way too old to be having mom and dad help us.

Do I not want to work? Correct. I am not qualified to do anything but minimum wage work anymore and that will get us NOWHERE around here. It won’t even cover the childcare costs. My husband and I made a deal that I would be the homemaker and he’d be the breadwinner. Again, he’s not disabled. He wasn’t laid off due to cutbacks. He has been FIRED multiple times. He is not holding up his end of the deal and I am PISSED OFF. Maybe I should not call him a loser but come on. I do everything to to be committed to the oath I took and the deal we made as partners, and he has tapped out and just doesn’t feel like working. I don’t believe in divorce and never thought I’d be in this position, honestly.

I need to be able to respect him as a man again. My father often worked two jobs, he did absolutely ANYTHING it took to make sure we had a nice life. He drove a car until it fell apart so that my mom could drive something safe and comfortable. He worked and worked to make sure his kids went to Catholic schools. He wore shoes until they fell apart so that my mother could have nice clothes and get her hair done. He was proud to do it and my mom adored him. I feel like I let my parents down and my kids down by choosing such a poor example.

 

[fladreamer]

I just want to say that in some parts of the country, 400k is not the same as other parts. For example, where I live the median home price is over $1,000,000. I know that is super shocking to a lot of people but that will buy you a very average 1,600 square foot home here. Our house is not a million dollar house, it’s on the lower end for our area, but even the worst most ratty, old, awful house in this town is well over 500k.

My parents live in Arizona which is much much cheaper and I would actually be open to moving my family there BUT my husband is from this area and says there won’t be anyIT jobs in Arizona. He says he has lived here for over 40 years and does not want to leave. But obviously we are going to have to even if it’s just 20 minutes away, the homes are cheaper.

So, when I tell you that the 400k lasted several years, that is because I was being extremely conservative and cautious with it.

My husband doesn’t really want to sit down and look at the finances. We have very little credit card debt due to the inheritance and my parents bailing us out, but I am way too old to be having mom and dad help us.

Do I not want to work? Correct. I am not qualified to do anything but minimum wage work anymore and that will get us NOWHERE around here. It won’t even cover the childcare costs. My husband and I made a deal that I would be the homemaker and he’d be the breadwinner. Again, he’s not disabled. He wasn’t laid off due to cutbacks. He has been FIRED multiple times. He is not holding up his end of the deal and I am PISSED OFF. Maybe I should not call him a loser but come on. I do everything to to be committed to the oath I took and the deal we made as partners, and he has tapped out and just doesn’t feel like working. I don’t believe in divorce and never thought I’d be in this position, honestly.

I need to be able to respect him as a man again. My father often worked two jobs, he did absolutely ANYTHING it took to make sure we had a nice life. He drove a car until it fell apart so that my mom could drive something safe and comfortable. He worked and worked to make sure his kids went to Catholic schools. He wore shoes until they fell apart so that my mother could have nice clothes and get her hair done. He was proud to do it and my mom adored him. I feel like I let my parents down and my kids down by choosing such a poor example.

Difference between dad and hubby is that dad was willing to sacrifice and put himself second, third, or last, whereas your husband won’t or can’t. Financial stress needs to go. House sold, mortgage paid, Arizona house for half the price. No IT jobs in Arizona? That has got to be the all-time worst argument to not move! Hubby needs family budget 101 ASAP. Rinse and repeat until it sinks in. If he’s good at what he does, with the right attitude there is no way in hell he can’t be successful in his career.

 

[E_7]

I just want to say that in some parts of the country, 400k is not the same as other parts. For example, where I live the median home price is over $1,000,000. I know that is super shocking to a lot of people but that will buy you a very average 1,600 square foot home here. Our house is not a million dollar house, it’s on the lower end for our area, but even the worst most ratty, old, awful house in this town is well over 500k.

My parents live in Arizona which is much much cheaper and I would actually be open to moving my family there BUT my husband is from this area and says there won’t be any IT jobs in Arizona. He says he has lived here for over 40 years and does not want to leave. But obviously we are going to have to even if it’s just 20 minutes away, the homes are cheaper.

So, when I tell you that the 400k lasted several years, that is because I was being extremely conservative and cautious with it.

My husband doesn’t really want to sit down and look at the finances. We have very little credit card debt due to the inheritance and my parents bailing us out, but I am way too old to be having mom and dad help us.

Do I not want to work? Correct. I am not qualified to do anything but minimum wage work anymore and that will get us NOWHERE around here. It won’t even cover the childcare costs. My husband and I made a deal that I would be the homemaker and he’d be the breadwinner. Again, he’s not disabled. He wasn’t laid off due to cutbacks. He has been FIRED multiple times. He is not holding up his end of the deal and I am PISSED OFF. Maybe I should not call him a loser but come on. I do everything to to be committed to the oath I took and the deal we made as partners, and he has tapped out and just doesn’t feel like working. I don’t believe in divorce and never thought I’d be in this position, honestly.

I need to be able to respect him as a man again. My father often worked two jobs, he did absolutely ANYTHING it took to make sure we had a nice life. He drove a car until it fell apart so that my mom could drive something safe and comfortable. He worked and worked to make sure his kids went to Catholic schools. He wore shoes until they fell apart so that my mother could have nice clothes and get her hair done. He was proud to do it and my mom adored him. I feel like I let my parents down and my kids down by choosing such a poor example.

I haven’t read much of the thread, but I want to say something that is not that Catholic. If after pushing for counseling, he still doesn’t want to cooperate, then I would put some sort of ultimatum. It’s either he goes and seek professional help to see what’s going on (psychiatrist, maybe?) or you leave with the kids to Arizona with your parents (NOT really meaning it, just an act to see what he says…probably a bad idea, but I still would do it).

 

[AKDee]

Difference between dad and hubby is that dad was willing to sacrifice and put himself second, third, or last, whereas your husband won’t or can’t. Financial stress needs to go. House sold, mortgage paid, Arizona house for half the price. No IT jobs in Arizona? That has got to be the all-time worst argument to not move! Hubby needs family budget 101 ASAP. Rinse and repeat until it sinks in. If he’s good at what he does, with the right attitude there is no way in hell he can’t be successful in his career.

There are IT jobs everywhere. My soon-to-be-husband is the senior VP of IT at a local credit union. He hires people from all over the WORLD to work for him. We live in Alaska. He has one guy working for him who lives in the Ukraine (who formerly lived and worked for him in Alaska) and he hired another person who lives in the continental US and he’s had several of his staff move down to the continental US that he keeps on as remote staff. Most of his staff is local, but I can’t imagine that there is any place in the United States that doesn’t have a need for qualified IT people. And for the guy to have a masters degree and not be able to hold employment- there’s a problem. And people that are talking about the economy- the economy is not the same everywhere. It can be depressed in some places, and booming in others.

It might indeed be worth moving to another location and get a fresh start, especially if hubby has burned through the job market where you live. And if you can sell your existing house, rather than lose it, and buy another one for less, that would be good. It takes forever to bounce back from bad credit. But definitely look at both of you getting money counseling. Read Clark Howard and Dave Ramsey. I don’t care where you live, $400K is a lot of money. You should have been able to live off your income and have left that money alone, windfalls aren’t supposed to be what you live on because what do you do once they’re gone? It sounds like you all aren’t that old- had that $400K been invested in a retirement fund, you probably both could have retired early and well set and funded the kids’ college educations to boot.

 

[Allegra]

I just want to say that in some parts of the country, 400k is not the same as other parts. For example, where I live the median home price is over $1,000,000. I know that is super shocking to a lot of people but that will buy you a very average 1,600 square foot home here. Our house is not a million dollar house, it’s on the lower end for our area, but even the worst most ratty, old, awful house in this town is well over 500k.

My parents live in Arizona which is much much cheaper and I would actually be open to moving my family there BUT my husband is from this area and says there won’t be any IT jobs in Arizona. He says he has lived here for over 40 years and does not want to leave. But obviously we are going to have to even if it’s just 20 minutes away, the homes are cheaper.

So, when I tell you that the 400k lasted several years, that is because I was being extremely conservative and cautious with it.

My husband doesn’t really want to sit down and look at the finances. We have very little credit card debt due to the inheritance and my parents bailing us out, but I am way too old to be having mom and dad help us.

Do I not want to work? Correct. I am not qualified to do anything but minimum wage work anymore and that will get us NOWHERE around here. It won’t even cover the childcare costs. My husband and I made a deal that I would be the homemaker and he’d be the breadwinner. Again, he’s not disabled. He wasn’t laid off due to cutbacks. He has been FIRED multiple times. He is not holding up his end of the deal and I am PISSED OFF. Maybe I should not call him a loser but come on. I do everything to to be committed to the oath I took and the deal we made as partners, and he has tapped out and just doesn’t feel like working. I don’t believe in divorce and never thought I’d be in this position, honestly.

I need to be able to respect him as a man again. My father often worked two jobs, he did absolutely ANYTHING it took to make sure we had a nice life. He drove a car until it fell apart so that my mom could drive something safe and comfortable. He worked and worked to make sure his kids went to Catholic schools. He wore shoes until they fell apart so that my mother could have nice clothes and get her hair done. He was proud to do it and my mom adored him. I feel like I let my parents down and my kids down by choosing such a poor example.

Hun, whether you leave the man or not, I don’t see any way out of you going to work.

You think it’s hard squeezing him for money to pay the bills now? It’s certainly not going to get any easier if you’re separated! The most the courts can do is attach an order to his paycheck, which does no good if he’s not getting one, or he’s getting an inconsistent one that they can’t track down. You’re going to have to pick up the slack and if you separate, you’re probably going to have legal fees too. Plus the money you and he make will be split over two households instead of one and a judge may not allow you to move to Arizona if you were to get divorced.

It may be that you chose a poor example in a husband, but you don’t have to just lay down and be a poor example yourself. You need to get your own affairs in order so you can protect yourself and your kids.

If I was in your situation, I think I would do the following.

1. Quit making excuses and start looking for a job. There are all kinds of opportunities out there. My aunt started her own housecleaning business after her husband walked out on her after 20 years. You could do nannying or home daycare. Did you do any college? In some states, if you have more than 60 hours you can substitute teach or be a para-educator, which is perfect hours if you have young kids in school. Don’t get involved in any of these goofy MLM schemes. The best you’ll do is break even.
2. Call Catholic Charities and request some help with legal advice. If your credit is attached to this house you can’t afford, something needs to be done about that.
3. Open your own bank account.
4. Draw up a budget with your husband that shows how much money you need to live. Then ask him where he intends for the money to come from. If he doesn’t have an answer, explain that if he can’t help support the family, then you have to do it yourself, and you can’t do it in a ridiculously overpriced house.
5. Unload the upside down house and replace it with something reasonable, even if it means relocating.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I agree with the others, get a part time job, if you don’t have one get a bank account (all women should have their own bank accounts in 2016), start a budget spreadsheet. I get that none of these will provide an immediate solution but you don’t have to be completely powerless in this situation.

In the long term maybe consider moving with your children in with your parents if you lose the house. Maybe it will encourage your husband to grow up. If not you can start to make a life for yourself and the kids.

 

[Lou2U]

Hun, whether you leave the man or not, I don’t see any way out of you going to work.

You think it’s hard squeezing him for money to pay the bills now? It’s certainly not going to get any easier if you’re separated! The most the courts can do is attach an order to his paycheck, which does no good if he’s not getting one, or he’s getting an inconsistent one that they can’t track down. You’re going to have to pick up the slack and if you separate, you’re probably going to have legal fees too. Plus the money you and he make will be split over two households instead of one and a judge may not allow you to move to Arizona if you were to get divorced.

It may be that you chose a poor example in a husband, but you don’t have to just lay down and be a poor example yourself. You need to get your own affairs in order so you can protect yourself and your kids.

If I was in your situation, I think I would do the following.

1. Quit making excuses and start looking for a job. There are all kinds of opportunities out there. My aunt started her own housecleaning business after her husband walked out on her after 20 years. You could do nannying or home daycare. Did you do any college? In some states, if you have more than 60 hours you can substitute teach or be a para-educator, which is perfect hours if you have young kids in school. Don’t get involved in any of these goofy MLM schemes. The best you’ll do is break even.
2. Call Catholic Charities and request some help with legal advice. If your credit is attached to this house you can’t afford, something needs to be done about that.
3. Open your own bank account.
4. Draw up a budget with your husband that shows how much money you need to live. Then ask him where he intends for the money to come from. If he doesn’t have an answer, explain that if he can’t help support the family, then you have to do it yourself, and you can’t do it in a ridiculously overpriced house.
5. Unload the upside down house and replace it with something reasonable, even if it means relocating.

I’ve been reading through the thread, and I think this is a good plan for you, OP. You can’t change your husband, but you can change your actions and you can change what you do in a situation like this. If your husband won’t step up, you’re going to have to.

Lou

 

[mommy_k]

Yes to the above posts. It is not a choice anymore it is a necessity to sell your home, and for you to work for a season. Change is never easy. You should put your home on the market and start looking for another one.

I would also tell your husband to get a real estate license so that he has a backup for his IT. You could also get one too there are many real estate husband and wife teams around here… If your husband gets an IT job and gets laid off, there is still income. He could arrange his real estate schedule to fit his schedule and so can you.He does not sound like the type of person to get a moonlighting job, but selling real estate may feed his ego.

Also I heard from a recruiter friend that these days, for every 10,000 a person commands in salary, that’s how many months on average it takes to get the position. So depending on your husbands salary, it could take alot if time for him to land one in IT. So he can use this job searching time to also get this license.

I am very sorry that you are going through this crisis, but right now you can be part of the solution.your dad is an amazing person too, and he has set the bar very high for your husband.
Perhaps in the future your husband will get there too.

 

[1ke]

In a traditional family home- the husband is the breadwinner, and the wife’s role is to preserve and protect her spouses earnings. some women forget that part…

This is NOT Catholic teaching.

There is no such thing as a “traditional home”. It’s a myth. A unicorn. A magical place that never existed. And it harms today’s families to believe this myth. Today’s families think “what’s wrong with me” when they cannot meet this ideal.

In pre 20th century homes EVERYONE worked in the family-- men, women, and children. On or off the homestead, in the family business, as a hired laborer… they worked.

Only **very wealthy **families had women who did not work. And they employed lower class women to do the work.

Even after the rise of the industrial revolution women worked in factories, on farms, and in family businesses. Again, only the very wealthy did not work.

The idea that the average (non-wealthy) woman should “quit working” or “not work” when they marry (or have children) and that the husband should be a sole provider is only about 60 years old.

If that works for your family-- great. If that works for someone else’s family-- great. If another family believes a working mother and non-working father is the best option-- great. If another family has two working parents-- great.

There is no such thing as a **traditional **family work structure-- there is only a 1950s-1960s TV fantasy family structure… Unless you are talking about the family farm-- and on the family farm EVERYONE works dawn until dark.

Please don’t intimate that there is some ideal structure that is sanctioned by God and Church and that “some women forget that part”. Because that simply is not true.

I leave you with Proverbs 31.

 

[Irishmom2]

In a traditional family home- the husband is the breadwinner, and the wife’s role is to preserve and protect her spouses earnings. some women forget that part…

That sounds like you are saying that some women just don’t know their place in their marriage.

I don’t know when you think this “traditional” family was, but I agree with 1ke, this is not how it was, and not how it is now. There is not a “right” way to do things, just whichever works better for each family.

 

[mommy_k]

This is NOT Catholic teaching.

There is no such thing as a “traditional home”. It’s a myth. A unicorn. A magical place that never existed. And it harms today’s families to believe this myth. Today’s families think “what’s wrong with me” when they cannot meet this ideal.

In pre 20th century homes EVERYONE worked in the family-- men, women, and children. On or off the homestead, in the family business, as a hired laborer… they worked.

Only **very wealthy **families had women who did not work. And they employed lower class women to do the work.

Even after the rise of the industrial revolution women worked in factories, on farms, and in family businesses. Again, only the very wealthy did not work.

The idea that the average (non-wealthy) woman should “quit working” or “not work” when they marry (or have children) and that the husband should be a sole provider is only about 60 years old.

If that works for your family-- great. If that works for someone else’s family-- great. If another family believes a working mother and non-working father is the best option-- great. If another family has two working parents-- great.

There is no such thing as a **traditional **family work structure-- there is only a 1950s-1960s TV fantasy family structure… Unless you are talking about the family farm-- and on the family farm EVERYONE works dawn until dark.

Please don’t intimate that there is some ideal structure that is sanctioned by God and Church and that “some women forget that part”. Because that simply is not true.

I leave you with Proverbs 31.

Yes and I leave you with proverbs 31 as as well as this is a point of reference for my post as well.

It seems the op, has a traditional view of marriage, not necessarily catholic tradtional, but traditional nontheless…yes?hy else would she have this agreement before marriage, even before the children were born?

The point I was trying to make here is that if you are a stay at home mom, it is joint responsibly for how funds are spent. It may not be the op’s husbands fault alone that the 400K was spent so quickly. When the op saw the money flying out, unless she was ignorant to the buget, she had an opportunity to step up then, and either go to work or encourage spending limits.

I asked many times who is in charge of the budget.

 

[mommy_k]

That sounds like you are saying that some women just don’t know their place in their marriage.

I don’t know when you think this “traditional” family was, but I agree with 1ke, this is not how it was, and not how it is now. There is not a “right” way to do things, just whichever works better for each family.

Please read my reply to 1ke. I was stating that the op has to accept some of the responsibly of having her husbands inheritance dissappear so quickly, by non action on her part, unless she had zero knowledge of the budget.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I don’t know if its traditional but I think its really important for both members of a marriage to be involved with the budget, there shouldn’t be any significant money hidden and there should be no nasty surprises. I can’t imagine even coming into a 10th of 400,000 and us not having a discussion on what to do with it as a couple.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I haven’t read much of the thread, but I want to say something that is not that Catholic. If after pushing for counseling, he still doesn’t want to cooperate, then I would put some sort of ultimatum. It’s either he goes and seek professional help to see what’s going on (psychiatrist, maybe?) or you leave with the kids to Arizona with your parents (NOT really meaning it, just an act to see what he says…probably a bad idea, but I still would do it).

Oh, no… NOT a good idea. I can understand the feeling and the reason it’s tempting to try this, but do not give ultimatums unless you seriously plan to follow through. And you’d better be clear about the goals and rewards/consequences. If you’re lying about what you intend to do, it can (and probably will) backfire–and besides, it’s dishonest and manipulative. Don’t be that person.

I’ve had to give an ultimatum before, and it’s entirely a last resort, because it should not be about saying, “I want you to do this or I’m going to do something you won’t like.” It’s not about trying to control someone. It’s saying, “I am left with no other choice, because I am at my limit and cannot put up with this problem any longer. Either you help me solve this problem, or I will be forced to take this action (that I’d rather not have to do), in order to solve the problem myself.”