Husband Can't Keep a Job

[LuLuWatermelon]

OP, it kind of looks like you’re angry and want to punish your husband. That’s not a good place from which to make decisions. If you’re looking for people to tell you that, yes, you should pack your bags and take the kids away, then you’ve had contributors to the site tell you so. You’ve also had others suggest alternatives that don’t involve blowing up your family.

You keep on saying you made a mistake in your twenties. Maybe you did; maybe you didn’t, because you cannot know what would have been otherwise. Now you are married, with three lovely kids. Please, stick it out. Maybe someday you’ll be the happy family that you say you’re pretending to be now. At any rate, you’ll be honoring your promises.

Side note: If your parents are willing to support you in divorce, how about in marriage? Why can’t you carry out your education while married?

Because I would not have the support with regard to helping care for the children. For example, my husband does not want me to attend night school because that would mean I would not be home to cook dinner, feed the kids, clean it up, and get the children in bed. He gets VERY bent out of shape on the rare occasion I ask him to pick up the kids from school, whether or not he is working. My parents would help me co-parent so that I could leave the house without things going to hell.

 

[LuLuWatermelon]

Also, I did inform him that my parents have been supplementing our cash flow and that’s how I have been paying for gas, groceries, and incidentals. He basically said, “Well, that’s what parents do! Of course they should help us through a drought.” I thought he’d be ashamed, but he really didn’t seem to be at all.

 

[Lou2U]

Honestly, OP, I think any change is going to have to come from you. You want your husband to be all the things he is not, and you’ve got to start changing your expectations of him. Think of a list of the five most important things you need your husband to do or be and tell him it. Then, focus on those most important things. If you want things with your husband to change, you have to tell him this. Of course he in’t going to worry about getting a job if your parents are supporting you. Of course he isn’t going to like it if you go to night classes or get a job, because that requires him to change. If you don’t make changes, nothing will happen.

So, if you tell him what needs to happen, you need to do what you can to implement it from your side. You can’t force him to get a job, or to keep it, but you can change things on your end. He needs to see he can’t carry on in the way he is, but you have to show him that you’re deadly serious that he’s got to start picking up the slack. In all honesty, I don’t think getting money from your parents in this is helping because it gives him no reason to get a job himself. If your parents are giving you financial support, he probably doesn’t see the need for him to provide it. This is where you should explain the events leading to you needing to accept money from your parents. I would suggest that if there is any way you can do without their money, you do it, to show him how much he needs to get a job and stay in it.

Lou

 

[gardenswithkids]

…

HAD I KNOWN that my husband was not going to be proactive about maintaining a career, I would have made other decisions, like maybe selling the house and renting (or moving to Arizona, which I still want to do but my husband does not.) However, he kept on saying he was close to settling down into a job, kept blowing smoke up my rear about “being in talks” with such-and-such a company, etc. Well, before you knew it, he was still unemployed, and the money was nearly gone.

washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/youre-autistic-you-know-you-can-do-a-good-job-but-will-employers-listen/2016/09/22/412956bc-4dca-11e6-a422-83ab49ed5e6a_story.html

I read this article today and thought of this thread. I don’t know your husband; I don’t know you, but I know people in the technology field, and some who are good with computers to lack normal social skills that are useful in maintaining jobs and managing money. As you are pondering what to do about your husband’s inability to maintain a job, please read this article with an open mind. Does any of it sound familiar? At some point a person’s dysfunction can be given a name and categorized along with similar behaviors, which can then be useful in figuring out how to realistically address the problems.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Could you use your parents money to fund the night classes?

 

[Lou2U]

Okay, so what ***can ***you do? Realistically that is. Be honest here, you can’t just move the children to Arizona you know that. You can’t make your husband change. What is a realistic plan for your family? What can you start doing in the next two weeks?

You cannot expect someone to give you what they are not capable of giving you because it isn’t fair. I cannot expect someone who doesn’t know how to play piano to play me a beautiful song. Your husband seems incapable of being responsible. I don’t know why, but he just doesn’t yet you keep expecting it.

Your children have ONE responsible parent at this time and that is you, so you have to step up to the plate and take charge of your family. You have to take over what needs to be done in order for your family to survive. You cannot sit back any longer and wait for your husband to do it because he can’t. Call it laziness, mental illness, flaw in character whatever “label” take your pick. You may have to sell your house, find economic assistance, start an in-home daycare, do what you have to but you know you can’t up and move the children a judge won’t let you so brainstorm other plans you can do it!

Lou

 

[Allegra]

Because I would not have the support with regard to helping care for the children. For example, my husband does not want me to attend night school because that would mean I would not be home to cook dinner, feed the kids, clean it up, and get the children in bed. He gets VERY bent out of shape on the rare occasion I ask him to pick up the kids from school, whether or not he is working. My parents would help me co-parent so that I could leave the house without things going to hell.

Eventually real life is going to have to land somewhere. If neither one of you will work, there are consequences for that. The bank is not going to let you live in that house (which is very nice by the way. Does yours have the same lovely landscaping in the back yard?) once you stop paying the mortgage. Your husband may just have to put up with taking care of the kids if you are required to go to work. He may hate it, but no one is going to do it for free and unless he works, he has no money to pay for childcare. Therefore, the one who isn’t working gets to take care of the kids. The longer the situation goes on, the harder the consequences are going to be. I’m under the impression from your posts that you haven’t missed payments as of yet. If you keep on the way you’re going and you ruin your credit, then you have a whole other issue to deal with and it will be that much harder to bounce back. You need to get your family into a sustainable situation as quickly as you can, before the you-know-what hits the you-know-where!

 

[YADA]

Okay, so what ***can ***…

Your children have ONE responsible parent at this time and that is you, so you have to step up to the plate and take charge of your family. You have to take over what needs to be done in order for your family to survive. You cannot sit back any longer and wait for your husband to do it because he can’t. Call it laziness, mental illness, flaw in character whatever “label” take your pick. You may have to sell your house, find economic assistance, start an in-home daycare, do what you have to but you know you can’t up and move the children a judge won’t let you so brainstorm other plans you can do it!

In truth, these children have no responsible parent …I have read every post in this thread.

This family is dysfunctional…neither parent wants to work. The OP did not marry upon graduation from high school but in their mid or late 20s .yet they have no college degree or marketable skills …

Also, having not worked for 11 years …sure getting back into the work force would be hard but not impossible. ALSO Volunteer and unpaid work experience counts as well as paid work. Plus 11 years turns to 12,13 and longer …if not being in the work force is a detriment, delaying o my makes it worse. Work hard @ entry level and you work up the ladder … I have taken many positions through the years for which I had to essentially start over and work up…

Praying $1500 per month was foolish for health care when a high deductible policy would have been cheaper especially if no major health issues.

I live in a upscale area …and I do not make 6 figures…$400,000 is significant money for any family …it was not wisely used…Christmas presents mentioned …not that Christmas is bad or kids don’t need a gift …but money wasted is conveyed again.

This family does not know how to work together especially around finances and employment for either is not going to change that reality.

Dear OP, you and hubby need counseling and open honest calm communication about your marriage and finances …and about where you both have failed and need to improve and make reparations…until you decide to do so nothing will change except possibly the reality of a broken home

You can only change yourself and encourage the other

I will pray for you

 

[Allegra]

In truth, these children have no responsible parent …I have read every post in this thread.

I think Monica was encouraging the OP to BE a responsible parent, but yeah, there’s been some irresponsibility going around.

 

[MainBrain]

To the original poster. I did not read your entire thread. But I read enough to know your husband can’t keep a job. I had the same problem for years. As a result, I went to a Priest and had him pray away any evil spirits that might be hindering me. I told him my story. He agreed to pray. As a result, after six years of full time unemployment I was hired again Several months later, I got a full time job. That job lasted six months. Normally I would have gone a few years before I got a new job. But that did not happen. I got a new within four months and I still have it. And the job is going well! They even want me to apply for a union job now. I find it interesting that after I had a Priest pray over me to pray away anything that hindered me my work life changed. I’m not saying your husband is being hindered by evil spirits. I’m not even sure if that was the case with me. I certainly hope it wasn’t. I can only way that after I had a Priest pray over me with a cross things changed.

 

[Lorelei12]

Please let me know who will care for the children and household while I am working. I will tell you one thing, it won’t be my husband.

Your husband is unemployed, and your family has no income, but your husband would refuse to stay home with your kids if you were the one who found a job?

What about finding employment through a temp agency? That way, your husband could still look and once he found something you wouldn’t be committed to a particular employer and could once again stay home. If neither one of you takes any action, it sounds like you’re going to be without a home, but you’d prefer to just hang your hopes on the unreliability of your husband?

 

[LuLuWatermelon]

Even if I were to work 40 hours a week at $15.00 per hour, I would not be able to make nearly enough to cover our basic expenses. On top of that, I would have to pay for childcare and housekeeping, because my husband WILL NOT care for the household and family while I work.

I think this has been misconstrued as me refusing to work. No. IF my husband died, was injured, or very ill - I would work. I would work now, even, if my husband would replace me as the childcare provider, cook, housekeeper, bill payer, appointment maker, taxi driver, nurse, psychologist, tutor and personal shopper for the kids.

The problem I need you to understand is that my husband is much, much more capable and prepared to get a well-paying job than I am. Maybe you missed the part where I supported him through a master’s program so that he COULD get a good job. I am MUCH, MUCH more capable of caring for the home, children, and our finances. Maybe you missed the part where he wants nothing to do with anything around the house and refuses to provide full-time “babysitting.”

If I were to be gone from 8-6 Monday thru Friday, I would still need to come home, clean up the disaster that the house would be, make dinner, help the children with homework, pay bills, do the laundry. I would do that if this were through no fault of my husband’s - but come on. That is not a marriage when you are the only one putting in any effort.

My solution: sell the house, sell one of our cars. Pay off our credit card debt and move to Arizona, near my family. We can buy a decent home there for about $400,000. We could put 50% down and have a tiny mortgage. The kids would attend public school with their cousins, and we’d have the support of my parents and sister and brother-in-law. My husband could look for work in a new environment where he does not have a reputation of being difficult, and he could concurrently get some counseling for whatever it going on with him. When our littlest goes to Kindergarten, I could either work part time or return to school part time. In a low-cost-of-living area, we’d not have as much pressure on us, and we’d still have come cash reserves from the sale of our house to cushion us for a while until we got my husband into a secure position, or while he started his own business.

My husband’s solution: Keep things how they are, take out more loans to cover the mortgage if we need to, and pretend things aren’t that bad. Keep looking for the perfect job where everyone kisses his butt and tells him he’s a genius. Blame others when that never comes around. Act like a victim. Make excuses for doing zilch around the house.

I told him this morning that I was going to get a job if he hasn’t found something in two weeks. He said, “Why would you even bother? You can’t make the kind of money I can, it wouldn’t even be worth it.”

 

[columbkille77]

Do you think it would be helpful to discuss this with your husband in terms of “dispute resolution”? You’ve been going around in circles and both of you disagree. What can you do to break through the logjam and reach a mutually acceptable arrangement.

Do you think you could get him to agree with a plan that he gets say, three months, to try to find a job that pays X amount of money, and if he can get it you will stay but if he can’t you will both agree to move?

 

[YADA]

You need family and financial counciling … The two of you seem to be entrenched in your belief that you are not part of the problem …while you paint your husband as the primary cause of your financial problems …the reality is that you both created this mess.

Neither of you seems to want to work your way up to higher paying positions …nor change your lifestyle …just moving to an area that has a lower cost of living doesn’t mean living within your means. Keep in mind that locations with lower costs of living also may have lower salaries too (including lower minimum wages).

Your marriage needs work, your family is in crisis and as long as you and your husband are not working on this as a team there is no hope of improvement. You cannot improve until you can acknowledge your part in this situation and begin to work on that.

 

[newlywed8]

I have read and thought about the problems in this thread a bit, and here is my advice.

1. You say you do not quality for WIC, because your children are too old, but I understand tht it goes up to mothers and children up to age 5-- so you should be able to receive some help for your youngest. Even some free eggs and milk each week will help.
2. If your financial status is as bad as you say, see if you can qualify your youngest for Headstart or another free preschool (the older two should both be in school, no?)
3. If you cannot get your youngest into headstart, look for cheap church programs.
4. While your children are all at school, look for house cleaning jobs. You should be able to pick up a few hundred each morning (I also live in a HCOL area and it cost be $150 to get my 1300sq ft house cleaned).
5. If you do not want to clean houses, then look into substituting at your local public school systems-- most will allow you as you have received some college education. You will have the same hours as your children and thus do not have to worry about extra care.
6. Ask your parents for help with the youngest preschool expenses, since they do not seem to mind helping a bit. Use your money to float your living expenses, while also tucking away a little each month to start taking night classes to work towards a nursing degree in a year or so. You should be able to take most if not all the classes at a commmunity college. You will be able to take the classes while your chidlren are in school. If you have early evening classes, your 11 year old should be old enough in a year to watch your siblings for an hour or so, particularly if you have premade dinner and they know how to use a microwave.
7. Instead of telling your husband that if does not have a job in two weeks you will get a job (since you both know that is impractical) tell him exactly how much you need from him to pay the morgage. Tell him the morgage is his responsibility. If he cannot cover the morgage for two months in a row, you will be putting the house on the market.
8. Put your kids on the California version of medicaid. Stop paying for private insurance.

 

[newlywed8]

Points of clarification on my post:

• The reason I said your husband must be responsible for the mortgage is that he is the one resisting moving. If you can no longer afford your current place and end up selling, use the profits exclusively towards paying the RENT (not buying) at a new place further from the city, preferably under 1,500 a month so you can last a while until your nursing school is finished and you are working steadily.
• There is a typo when I spoke about nursing school. I meant to delete ‘night’ . You can go to school while the kids are in school or in the early afternoon where they can be by themselves for an hour or two while you finish a class (or even better, if you can take some classes online).

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Even if I were to work 40 hours a week at $15.00 per hour, I would not be able to make nearly enough to cover our basic expenses. On top of that, I would have to pay for childcare and housekeeping, because my husband WILL NOT care for the household and family while I work.

I think this has been misconstrued as me refusing to work. No. IF my husband died, was injured, or very ill - I would work. I would work now, even, if my husband would replace me as the childcare provider, cook, housekeeper, bill payer, appointment maker, taxi driver, nurse, psychologist, tutor and personal shopper for the kids.

The problem I need you to understand is that my husband is much, much more capable and prepared to get a well-paying job than I am. Maybe you missed the part where I supported him through a master’s program so that he COULD get a good job. I am MUCH, MUCH more capable of caring for the home, children, and our finances. Maybe you missed the part where he wants nothing to do with anything around the house and refuses to provide full-time “babysitting.”

If I were to be gone from 8-6 Monday thru Friday, I would still need to come home, clean up the disaster that the house would be, make dinner, help the children with homework, pay bills, do the laundry. I would do that if this were through no fault of my husband’s - but come on. That is not a marriage when you are the only one putting in any effort.

My solution: sell the house, sell one of our cars. Pay off our credit card debt and move to Arizona, near my family. We can buy a decent home there for about $400,000. We could put 50% down and have a tiny mortgage. The kids would attend public school with their cousins, and we’d have the support of my parents and sister and brother-in-law. My husband could look for work in a new environment where he does not have a reputation of being difficult, and he could concurrently get some counseling for whatever it going on with him. When our littlest goes to Kindergarten, I could either work part time or return to school part time. In a low-cost-of-living area, we’d not have as much pressure on us, and we’d still have come cash reserves from the sale of our house to cushion us for a while until we got my husband into a secure position, or while he started his own business.

My husband’s solution: Keep things how they are, take out more loans to cover the mortgage if we need to, and pretend things aren’t that bad. Keep looking for the perfect job where everyone kisses his butt and tells him he’s a genius. Blame others when that never comes around. Act like a victim. Make excuses for doing zilch around the house.

I told him this morning that I was going to get a job if he hasn’t found something in two weeks. He said, “Why would you even bother? You can’t make the kind of money I can, it wouldn’t even be worth it.”

Your husbands attitude of just getting further into debt is really worrying, you need to push for some financial counselling, if he won’t hear it from you maybe he will from an outside observer.

Other than that I would stop cooking/cleaning and doing laundry for him as he isn’t doing anything to earn it and you aren’t his mommy. Do what you need for your actual kids but leave him to the consequences.

 

[Sugabee43]

A quick Google search indicated that the median home price in Arizona is $254,900. You can most likely get a “decent” home for WAY less than $400,000. Sometimes you have to start smaller.

 

[CradleJourney]

Even if I were to work 40 hours a week at $15.00 per hour, I would not be able to make nearly enough to cover our basic expenses. On top of that, I would have to pay for childcare and housekeeping, because my husband WILL NOT care for the household and family while I work.

I am having a little trouble understanding this part, forgive me. Not making nearly enough o cover basic expenses … um…I’m not 100% sure you’re fully grasping what basic expense are.

Basic expenses are enough food to not have your belly (or your child’s) hurt from hunger and good enough nutrition in that food that CPS does not take your children away. It’s having toilet paper, electricity, working plumbing, heat in the winter and a/c in the summer if temps are above 90 degrees. It’s having clothes and a means of keeping those clothes clean - even if it means loading the dirties into a wagon with the kid(s) and pulling it a mile down the road to a friend or family member who’ll let you use their machines. It’s having some kind of transportation to get to a job or be able to go look for one. It’s having a cell phone (cheaper these days than a landline in many places) to be able to be reached in an emergency and to be able to search for and maintain employment. It means having a safe place to live with minimal issues with the elements and/or pests.

I’m sorry - but that’s basics to me. I’ve lived that (and lived without that) and survived and made it to a better place with time, effort, work and faith. The house you linked to is twice the living space of mine, six times the land, and probably in ten times better condition inside (fresh paint, carpeting, so forth) - and yes, we have three kids still at home.

---

The other part I do not understand is when you say your husband “will not” care for the household or children. ???

So if you get a job and tell him you are leaving to go to work to provide the basics (listed above), then he will…what? Leave the children home alone? Let them play in the street? Or ??? I’m not asking what he says - I’m sure he says he will not. But what will he actually do? Take them to a friend’s and drop them off?

If he does provide basic, safe oversight of the kids - let’s say he fixes them lunch and then leaves the dirty dishes sitting there when you get home. What would happen if you, being tired from work, just let them sit? Would he continue to refuse to clean them? Break them? Simply leave?

Is it that he will not care for the kids or house … or that he will not care for them in the manner to which you all have become accustomed? Or will he use his skills to secure income (for awhile at least) to prevent disaster? Or will he just leave?

Because if it’s one of the first two, you can cope with that. If he’s willing to actually split if things continue to go badly then you need a job lined up and to consult a lawyer about your rights even more.

 

[bitterhope]

I am having a little trouble understanding this part, forgive me. Not making nearly enough o cover basic expenses … um…I’m not 100% sure you’re fully grasping what basic expense are.

Basic expenses are enough food to not have your belly (or your child’s) hurt from hunger and good enough nutrition in that food that CPS does not take your children away. It’s having toilet paper, electricity, working plumbing, heat in the winter and a/c in the summer if temps are above 90 degrees. It’s having clothes and a means of keeping those clothes clean - even if it means loading the dirties into a wagon with the kid(s) and pulling it a mile down the road to a friend or family member who’ll let you use their machines. It’s having some kind of transportation to get to a job or be able to go look for one. It’s having a cell phone (cheaper these days than a landline in many places) to be able to be reached in an emergency and to be able to search for and maintain employment. It means having a safe place to live with minimal issues with the elements and/or pests.

I’m sorry - but that’s basics to me. I’ve lived that (and lived without that) and survived and made it to a better place with time, effort, work and faith. The house you linked to is twice the living space of mine, six times the land, and probably in ten times better condition inside (fresh paint, carpeting, so forth) - and yes, we have three kids still at home.

---

The other part I do not understand is when you say your husband “will not” care for the household or children. ???

So if you get a job and tell him you are leaving to go to work to provide the basics (listed above), then he will…what? Leave the children home alone? Let them play in the street? Or ??? I’m not asking what he says - I’m sure he says he will not. But what will he actually do? Take them to a friend’s and drop them off?

If he does provide basic, safe oversight of the kids - let’s say he fixes them lunch and then leaves the dirty dishes sitting there when you get home. What would happen if you, being tired from work, just let them sit? Would he continue to refuse to clean them? Break them? Simply leave?

Is it that he will not care for the kids or house … or that he will not care for them in the manner to which you all have become accustomed? Or will he use his skills to secure income (for awhile at least) to prevent disaster? Or will he just leave?

Because if it’s one of the first two, you can cope with that. If he’s willing to actually split if things continue to go badly then you need a job lined up and to consult a lawyer about your rights even more.

I agree. And I find it odd that $0 per hour is somehow a better option than minimum wage even, let alone $15/hr, 40 hrs per week.