Husband Can't Keep a Job

[mommy_k]

The suggestion to get a job was to alleviate the dependence of your parents as well as to show yourself that you can also contribute to the sense of security you desire for yourself and children.
It is not easy but many people do it.

It is not good to always depend excusively on others, spouses can go through difficult times as you are sadly experiencing. The move to Arizona is taking this dependence from your spouse and placing it on your parents…what if your parents can no longer support you in the future? You are back to square 1. Sometimes you have to depend on yourself…

If your husband will not move to arizona, there has to be less expensive areas near you to move. To go back to school right now incurs more debt. Work first at getting financially secure, through a job and sale of your home–medical offices need receptionists too, no college required, and you have your foot in the door.

Also, do you have inlaws? If yes-- what do they think of all of this?

 

[Patavium]

Both parents not willing to work? I feel sad for those children. This is a terrible situation for them.

 

[pensmama87]

If there is no or minimal income coming in, I have to think there are safety nets available that will help cover the basics (food, shelter, utilities, clothing). I agree that someone in the household needs to work, and if one won’t or can’t the other should, even if it’s Mom, but meanwhile, kids are suffering while parents basically have a responsibility staring contest.

Can a mom and her children qualify for WIC even if her husband is not eligible for unemployment? I thought WIC was not tied to that?

Is there a social services office at the parish?

It’s not my business what the financials are, but something seems very off to me about this. I’m not sure what’s not adding up but something isn’t.

 

[bitterhope]

If there is no or minimal income coming in, I have to think there are safety nets available that will help cover the basics (food, shelter, utilities, clothing). I agree that someone in the household needs to work, and if one won’t or can’t the other should, even if it’s Mom, but meanwhile, kids are suffering while parents basically have a responsibility staring contest.

Can a mom and her children qualify for WIC even if her husband is not eligible for unemployment? I thought WIC was not tied to that?

Is there a social services office at the parish?

It’s not my business what the financials are, but something seems very off to me about this. I’m not sure what’s not adding up but something isn’t.

WIC requirements and benefits vary from state to state but pregnancy-age 5 is one that is pretty uniform. There are many programs to help but I don’t think anyone in this family really cares about improvement. They are too busy being stubborn, selfish, and holding onto pride.

 

[CradleJourney]

If there is no or minimal income coming in, I have to think there are safety nets available that will help cover the basics (food, shelter, utilities, clothing). I agree that someone in the household needs to work, and if one won’t or can’t the other should, even if it’s Mom, but meanwhile, kids are suffering while parents basically have a responsibility staring contest.

Can a mom and her children qualify for WIC even if her husband is not eligible for unemployment? I thought WIC was not tied to that?

Is there a social services office at the parish?

It’s not my business what the financials are, but something seems very off to me about this. I’m not sure what’s not adding up but something isn’t.

I don’t know about the OP’s state - but here there is often a four to six month waiting period or longer to get an initial interview for WIC - and the amount of food provided is minimal. Don’t get me wrong - it’s a help. But a couple gallons of milk, some peanut butter, a couple cans of tuna, etc are not going to feed this family (and that was not WIC’s intended purpose). It’s intended as a nutritional boost for pregnant women and young children. Not a main source of food.

They’d have to look at food pantries and/or food stamps for that.

Unfortunately to me, it looks like both parties are willing to hold out until things literally crash down around them before taking action

 

[LuLuWatermelon]

I think it is absolutely preposterous that anyone things I should work, for what I can make, when my husband is easily capable of making over 250k a year (and has had that income in the past.) It’s just silly. If he got a job, we could keep our house. We could send the kids back to their old school. We could stop worrying.

And yes, he really won’t manage the kids and household if I am gone all day. He will waste time on the internet while the kids shred the home to bits. He won’t fix them meals - he will either order pizza, drive through fast food, or tell them to grab some Entenmann’s and a Yoohoo out of the pantry. Yes, really. He won’t clean up any messes, even food or pee accidents. The homework will not even be looked at. Appointments will be missed. He will be late to take and collect them from school. They won’t get bathed. He says that if I ask him to do these things, I am “abandoning my commitment.” HA!

I agree that we need to cut back - way back, if he refuses to work. This is why I want to move back to Flagstaff. That way, if I had to go to work, I could at least have peace of mind that my family would be around to help with the children. I would MUCH rather have my sister or parents pick up the kids from school, knowing they wouldn’t forget, than my husband. And yeah, I know it’s ****** that I might need to rely on others.

Still, my husband keeps saying he is 'right on the cusp" of landing a good job. I need to just “hang in there” and “stop with the ultimatums.”

Honestly, I doubt he would care all that much if me and the kids left him.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I would seek some legal advice on whether you could take the kids and move back near your parents without him, it doesn’t sound like he is willing to change.

 

[Lou2U]

I think it is absolutely preposterous that anyone things I should work, for what I can make, when my husband is easily capable of making over 250k a year (and has had that income in the past.) It’s just silly. If he got a job, we could keep our house. We could send the kids back to their old school. We could stop worrying.

And yes, he really won’t manage the kids and household if I am gone all day. He will waste time on the internet while the kids shred the home to bits. He won’t fix them meals - he will either order pizza, drive through fast food, or tell them to grab some Entenmann’s and a Yoohoo out of the pantry. Yes, really. He won’t clean up any messes, even food or pee accidents. The homework will not even be looked at. Appointments will be missed. He will be late to take and collect them from school. They won’t get bathed. He says that if I ask him to do these things, I am “abandoning my commitment.” HA!

I agree that we need to cut back - way back, if he refuses to work. This is why I want to move back to Flagstaff. That way, if I had to go to work, I could at least have peace of mind that my family would be around to help with the children. I would MUCH rather have my sister or parents pick up the kids from school, knowing they wouldn’t forget, than my husband. And yeah, I know it’s ****** that I might need to rely on others.

Still, my husband keeps saying he is 'right on the cusp" of landing a good job. I need to just “hang in there” and “stop with the ultimatums.”

Honestly, I doubt he would care all that much if me and the kids left him.

I think your problem is that although your husband COULD do all of these things, he ISN’T. This leaves you in a really difficult place. I know you want to move back to Arizona, but I think for the time being, you have to plan to stay living where you are, and how you can make the best of it. Plan what you can do to improve your finances - if you say “If my husband would get a job, it wouldn’t matter”, that isn’t a plan. It’s true, but you have to be prepared for your situation to be otherwise.

Lou

 

[ConfusedLucy]

It would be very difficult to support yourself in a high cost area on a low income especially with a parasitic husband. I’m praying for you as it sounds like an impossible situation. I would at least try to draw up some kind of budget looking at your outgoings and ingoings.

 

[Patavium]

I think it is absolutely preposterous that anyone things I should work, for what I can make, when my husband is easily capable of making over 250k a year (and has had that income in the past.) It’s just silly. If he got a job, we could keep our house. We could send the kids back to their old school. We could stop worrying.

And yes, he really won’t manage the kids and household if I am gone all day. He will waste time on the internet while the kids shred the home to bits. He won’t fix them meals - he will either order pizza, drive through fast food, or tell them to grab some Entenmann’s and a Yoohoo out of the pantry. Yes, really. He won’t clean up any messes, even food or pee accidents. The homework will not even be looked at. Appointments will be missed. He will be late to take and collect them from school. They won’t get bathed. He says that if I ask him to do these things, I am “abandoning my commitment.” HA!

I agree that we need to cut back - way back, if he refuses to work. This is why I want to move back to Flagstaff. That way, if I had to go to work, I could at least have peace of mind that my family would be around to help with the children. I would MUCH rather have my sister or parents pick up the kids from school, knowing they wouldn’t forget, than my husband. And yeah, I know it’s ****** that I might need to rely on others.

Still, my husband keeps saying he is 'right on the cusp" of landing a good job. I need to just “hang in there” and “stop with the ultimatums.”

Honestly, I doubt he would care all that much if me and the kids left him.

Yes, he can make 250K a year, but remember… He doesn’t really last a year, and sometimes less than a month based on what you said… so really Numbers are really offering no solution here.

 

[Allegra]

I think it is absolutely preposterous that anyone things I should work, for what I can make, when my husband is easily capable of making over 250k a year (and has had that income in the past.) It’s just silly. If he got a job, we could keep our house. We could send the kids back to their old school. We could stop worrying.

And yes, he really won’t manage the kids and household if I am gone all day. He will waste time on the internet while the kids shred the home to bits. He won’t fix them meals - he will either order pizza, drive through fast food, or tell them to grab some Entenmann’s and a Yoohoo out of the pantry. Yes, really. He won’t clean up any messes, even food or pee accidents. The homework will not even be looked at. Appointments will be missed. He will be late to take and collect them from school. They won’t get bathed. He says that if I ask him to do these things, I am “abandoning my commitment.” HA!

I agree that we need to cut back - way back, if he refuses to work. This is why I want to move back to Flagstaff. That way, if I had to go to work, I could at least have peace of mind that my family would be around to help with the children. I would MUCH rather have my sister or parents pick up the kids from school, knowing they wouldn’t forget, than my husband. And yeah, I know it’s ****** that I might need to rely on others.

Still, my husband keeps saying he is 'right on the cusp" of landing a good job. I need to just “hang in there” and “stop with the ultimatums.”

Honestly, I doubt he would care all that much if me and the kids left him.

Well, you could always try it and see what happens. I think you may end up with a custodial interference charge or even parental kidnapping. You could seek legal counsel and see what they say.

 

[Lorelei12]

I think it is absolutely preposterous that anyone things I should work, for what I can make, when my husband is easily capable of making over 250k a year (and has had that income in the past.) It’s just silly. If he got a job, we could keep our house. We could send the kids back to their old school. We could stop worrying.

And yes, he really won’t manage the kids and household if I am gone all day. He will waste time on the internet while the kids shred the home to bits. He won’t fix them meals - he will either order pizza, drive through fast food, or tell them to grab some Entenmann’s and a Yoohoo out of the pantry. Yes, really. He won’t clean up any messes, even food or pee accidents. The homework will not even be looked at. Appointments will be missed. He will be late to take and collect them from school. They won’t get bathed. He says that if I ask him to do these things, I am “abandoning my commitment.” HA!

I agree that we need to cut back - way back, if he refuses to work. This is why I want to move back to Flagstaff. That way, if I had to go to work, I could at least have peace of mind that my family would be around to help with the children. I would MUCH rather have my sister or parents pick up the kids from school, knowing they wouldn’t forget, than my husband. And yeah, I know it’s ****** that I might need to rely on others.

Still, my husband keeps saying he is 'right on the cusp" of landing a good job. I need to just “hang in there” and “stop with the ultimatums.”

Honestly, I doubt he would care all that much if me and the kids left him.

People are suggesting that you work because we are reading about two grown adults with children to care for who are on the verge of financial disaster and losing their home, and neither one is willing to work. You and your husband both seem to have the same ideas about what kind of work is beneath you or not worthwhile.

To me, it seems like any income would be better than none. There are also things that you can do that do not involve being away from your children- your older kids are in school, right? So during the day, if you only have one child at home, there is always the option of watching other kids for a few extra dollars. There is part time work, where you could still manage to drive kids to school.

I don’t doubt that you are telling the truth about your husband- it seems like he needs a reality check. But I think if he’s unable or unwilling to find something, your kids need someone to do something instead of pointing fingers at whose role it is to do what.

 

[mommy_k]

I think it is absolutely preposterous that anyone things I should work, for what I can make, when my husband is easily capable of making over 250k a year (and has had that income in the past.) It’s just silly. If he got a job, we could keep our house. We could send the kids back to their old school. We could stop worrying.

And yes, he really won’t manage the kids and household if I am gone all day. He will waste time on the internet while the kids shred the home to bits. He won’t fix them meals - he will either order pizza, drive through fast food, or tell them to grab some Entenmann’s and a Yoohoo out of the pantry. Yes, really. He won’t clean up any messes, even food or pee accidents. The homework will not even be looked at. Appointments will be missed. He will be late to take and collect them from school. They won’t get bathed. He says that if I ask him to do these things, I am “abandoning my commitment.” HA!

I agree that we need to cut back - way back, if he refuses to work. This is why I want to move back to Flagstaff. That way, if I had to go to work, I could at least have peace of mind that my family would be around to help with the children. I would MUCH rather have my sister or parents pick up the kids from school, knowing they wouldn’t forget, than my husband. And yeah, I know it’s ****** that I might need to rely on others.

Still, my husband keeps saying he is 'right on the cusp" of landing a good job. I need to just “hang in there” and “stop with the ultimatums.”

Honestly, I doubt he would care all that much if me and the kids left him.

Why are you working for an mlm as you said in post 1 if you think extra income does not help? You said you were reduced to selling humiliating mlm…which makes me think that you think it is beneath you…I’m probably wrong but that’s how it sounds.

It is not preposterous to get a weekend job, unless you are royalty…even if you made 10.00 an hour and worked 25 hours, well, that’s 1000 a month extra. You could have paid most of your insurance with that when you had your 400k…you could pre make meals during the week for the kids for the weekend…just heat and serve…you will be available during the week for school things…appointments, homework and so on.

…You can buy time. You can stop taking money from others or 1000 less a month.you can sell your home and move to a less expensive area until your husband secures a job…

…The issue though is that you both mirror each other in regards to working. You are both waiting and rejecting work for the perfect circumstance or salary.
. .

 

[CradleJourney]

I think it is absolutely preposterous that anyone things I should work, for what I can make, when my husband is easily capable of making over 250k a year (and has had that income in the past.) It’s just silly. If he got a job, we could keep our house. We could send the kids back to their old school. We could stop worrying.

Yes it would be preposterous if it was a choice between him working and you working. But since you’re indicating he’s either incapable or refusing to work, and he’s not the one posting on here, then that narrows the choice to you working or no one working.

Absolutely - if a job comes through then yes, he works, you stay home and you both can be happy. But based on what you’ve posted that doesn’t seem like the most likely outcome.

 

[The_Old_Maid]

I’d like to break this into two posts: problem, and resolution.

There seem to be multiple and conflicting issues at hand.

1. Husband and wife both unemployed for personal issues which make sense to them, but not to outsiders.
2. Children caught in the middle.
3. Grandparents almost not but absolutely caught in the middle.
4. Wife proposes how to “fix” things, such as telling husband he is being carried financially by grandparents and/or leaving.

How I see the problem:

I can cite multiple examples of people who are being carried financially. These include:

Ruth and Michael from Money, a Memoir by Liz Perle. “They married each other’s promise, neither one of which turned out as expected.” Ruth chose to get a job and keep the husband but became increasingly bitter. Eventually they “retreated behind an information blackout to work out their marriage in private.” No one knows what they did, except that they both got jobs, calmed down, and stayed together.

Mary and Lamar from The Millionaire Next Door by Stanley and Danko. “Mary” and “Lamar” are in their fifties. The grandmother gives her adult daughter and son-in-law pre-death bequests. The couple asked Stanley and Danko to recommend a trust-buster to help them get more money. Stanley and Danko declined to get involved. They commented instead, “Properly socialized adults know the difference between what belongs to them, and what does not.”

As for the third example, if I had the google-fu to find a link, I’d post that instead. One day when channel-surfing I came across an episode of Judge Judy. A son and daughter-in-law were suing Grandpa over money. Grandpa had created three accounts for his grandchildren. [CD? Savings bond? Something illiquid like that]. It was a small total, maybe $1,000 and $1,000 and $1,500. Grandpa wanted to give this to the grandchildren for college. They were all under 10 years, I think. To prevent probate, Grandpa added the names of his son and daughter-in-law to the accounts. By now you should guess the plot: they cashed out two of the three accounts. Grandpa then closed the third and put it aside in his name only. The couple sued him for the remaining $1,500.

Questioning revealed that the couple had no steady source of income. The husband either worked seasonally or was self-employed, I forget which. The wife was a homemaker. These were their choices. The problem was that their choices were not enough to sustain a family. They cashed out the money to pay basic expenses—but also to take the kids to Disney (World? Land? One of the two). Judge Judy told them they were “stealing from your own children.” Maybe the children benefited from a little electricity and meatloaf, but it was the duty of the parents to support the children, not the duty of little kids to support their parents. As for Disney, the kids had paid their parents’ vacation! Judge Judy found for the defendant (Grandpa). She told them to get a steady paycheck and stop stealing from little children. She also looked very unhappy that Grandpa was not counter-suing to get his money back.

Conclusion: the Original Poster wondered aloud if her husband would be shamed by the knowledge that her parents are supporting the children, the household, and the unemployed-by-choice lifestyle. May I suggest that, No, he probably would not be shamed. Notice that in all of the above cases, the recipient even considered legal action when the umbilical cord of free money was threatened.

So, while it may have been questionable to hide the gifts of money from OP’s husband, I doubt that revealing it will invoke either gratitude or humility.

I would like to be wrong about that.

I do think it will have to be mentioned eventually during the solution, whatever that is.

More later.

 

[The_Old_Maid]

Other observations:

The Original Poster is interested in going to nursing school. I find this commendable; only the timing and collateral damage are problems.

If/when you go, make it a real nursing school at a community college or state college, not one of those as-seen-on-TV schools. Those have A LOT of complaints against them, such as the students never setting foot in a real hospital. (The result is that no one will hire this paper nurse.) When in doubt, go to the place you want to work and ask the nurses what schools give a nursing degree that their hospital will respect.

The OP has parents in Arizona who were great role models to her and would make good role models for their grandchildren.

The OP feels rather badly about maybe couch-surfing at Grandma & Grandpa’s house while pushing 40 years old.

Listen to that voice.

My suggestion:

Grandparents should have their attorney draw up a few documents. (Even if it’s just photocopies out of the complete Nolo law series.)

Both parents sign these documents.

These documents give guardianship custody of the grandchildren to the grandparents.

The grandchildren move in with them.

The grandparents want to help? Let them. But cut out the middleman. The grandparents would need to change their tax status to Head of Household. They would need the ability and legal right to write off the children as tax dependents.

As US citizens (and as elderly people), they would be eligible for subsidies on Healthcare.gov insurance for the children. They need the legal authority to get medical care for the children.

They may be eligible for hardship breaks for Catholic school tuition. Even if they’re not, they probably live in a decent school district. The longer this is delayed, the harder it is for the children to adjust to a new school.

Only the children.

If one or both parents try to move to Grandparent Land, then yes, you could be looking at serious legal issues. The OP’s husband left behind could even be positioned as the injured party! After all, he didn’t leave you.

Also, if one or both parents try to move in with the grandparents, it might render the grandparents ineligible for the financial tax breaks I’ve just listed. Such breaks are intended to help them help the kids. A parent living in the house could disqualify them for everything!

Mom and Dad, stay where you are. Work on your marriage in private (i.e. away from the children and the relatives).

Mom and Dad, see what your issues are without the children to hide behind. Now you don’t “have to” have this big house for the sake of the children. Your hours don’t “have to” be specific hours to care for the children.

If the two of you still want that lifestyle, you’ll find a way to fight for it. If you don’t, then you’ll both be there to dissolve it and downsize. Maybe use the profits to go to nursing school. Maybe start nursing school right now. It’s one thing for the children to be hungry, smelly and dirty; it’s another thing for an adult to be so. He may be cranky, but he will survive.

If worst comes to worst, you’ll be couch-surfing in the state where you now live. I would suggest that neither of you move in with the grandparents unless you are hit with an illness or natural disaster.

Now, you may ask yourself why any parent would sign such a guardianship arrangement. After all, they probably both love their children. This is one of those times when love isn’t necessarily enough. (See The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. They loved their children, but that wasn’t enough to make them take care of them.)

In real life, I knew a couple who divorced. The man signed away all parental rights. All rights, forever. He knew if he did that, he would start his new marriage with a clean slate and the courts could never touch him for child support. (May I add that the abandoned wife’s new husband hustled round and legally adopted those kids immediately.) Some years later the missing dad began making rounds of his old life. Apparently he joined a 12-step program and was making amends to all whom he had harmed. I don’t know if he found his children (now adults with children of their own, no doubt). But I expect he probably did.

All I propose is a guardianship and change of custody, not a renunciation for all time. I think it may be in the best interests of the children to live in a stable home with good examples. Whether or not the parents fix the real problems (the kids are just a smokescreen), they can still visit.

Just a thought.