Husband clearly favors youngest child

[Graceful_Lamb]

You resent him for favoring his youngest child? And this causes you not to see the good in him?? It seems to me the problem is yours, not his. Maybe you should do therapy alone and find out why a tiny not-even-flaw causes you so much resentment - do you resent having to stay home with them while he works outside the home?

Parents aren’t supposed to play favorites with their children.

Obviously, these issues that JMJ posted about are really important to her, so then it is important. Maybe they would be considered “tiny not-even-flaw causes” to you, and that’s great. Not everyone has the same level of tolerance for various issues or behaviors. I have to say that it sounds like her husband is abusive towards the older three, and it WILL put a wedge between the kids when they get older, if not already.

I don’t think the OP needs counseling at all. Her husband is definitely the one who seems to need it.

 

[Xantippe]

Parents aren’t supposed to play favorites with their children.

Obviously, these issues that JMJ posted about are really important to her, so then it is important. Maybe they would be considered “tiny not-even-flaw causes” to you, and that’s great. Not everyone has the same level of tolerance for various issues or behaviors. I have to say that it sounds like her husband is abusive towards the older three, and it WILL put a wedge between the kids when they get older, if not already.

Favoritism is a problem. Even if you just look at the Bible, favoritism is disastrous in families. See Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, etc. Playing favorites can often kill the love that siblings ought to feel for each other.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Favoritism is a problem. Even if you just look at the Bible, favoritism is disastrous in families. See Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, etc. Playing favorites can often kill the love that siblings ought to feel for each other.

I am all too well aware of what favoritism can do to siblings. It has made a huge negative impact on my relationship with my younger sister (see my previous post in this thread).

 

[Xantippe]

I am all too well aware of what favoritism can do to siblings. It has made a huge negative impact on my relationship with my younger sister (see my previous post in this thread).

Sorry, I should have made it clearer that I was adding to what you said, but primarily responding to SyroMalankara’s idea that favoritism among children is not a big deal.

 

[pensmama87]

I have a suspicion, though not based on personal experience, that in households where parents make an effort to be fair and spend quality time with their children at all ages, that it won’t bug kids if obviously Sibling A gets along with Dad really well because they both like woodworking.

It’s the setting up of siblings as adversaries that I think poses some real danger.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Sorry, I should have made it clearer that I was adding to what you said, but primarily responding to SyroMalankara’s idea that favoritism among children is not a big deal.

Okay. No worries.

 

[Xantippe]

I have a suspicion, though not based on personal experience, that in households where parents make an effort to be fair and spend quality time with their children at all ages, that it won’t bug kids if obviously Sibling A gets along with Dad really well because they both like woodworking.

It’s the setting up of siblings as adversaries that I think poses some real danger.

I think that’s right.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I think that’s right.

I agree that it is not making for a very good relationship among the children. At the very least, it divides the siblings. At worst, it makes them enemies and they don’t talk to each other.

 

[Allegra]

After reading the whole thread, I’m not quite convinced that the OP’s situation is actually abusive or anything close to the dysfunctional situations some of the other posters have gone through. My mother has very narcissistic tendencies and she openly favored my sister over me growing up, well past the point of mental abuse. I agree that such behavior is harmful as my sister and I hated each other during our childhoods because of our mother using her to abuse me. Our relationship is better as adults because we both realize that our mother was doing this intentionally to us in order to control us. Also, my sister became the unfavored child once I went away to school and my mother started picking on her as well.

Anyway, what the OP describes doesn’t sound like the same sort of situation. In the situation I experience as well as what other posters described, the favored child was allowed to get away with and sometimes even encouraged in hurting the other siblings. Furthermore, the favored child never faced any consequences for their actions. The OP stated that her husband does discipline the youngest child when necessary, though she less frequently requires it.

That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a problem though. It sounds like the sarcastic and demeaning attitude toward the older children could be inappropriate and harmful. I think the OP and her husband need to get on the same page regarding their parenting practices and what’s appropriate. It might be a good idea to get a third opinion on the subject, either an expert or someone you trust who has experience with parenting different age groups. That way, they can have someone objectively say whether or not the OP’s husband’s behavior is really problematic, or just not the same style as the OP’s. I would take care of this now, as the middle children will be becoming teens soon and even the baby’s cuteness is going to wear off eventually.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Favoritism is a problem. Even if you just look at the Bible, favoritism is disastrous in families. See Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, etc. Playing favorites can often kill the love that siblings ought to feel for each other.

I’m of the opinion that parental favoritism constitutes abuse. My wife and I have done everything we can to make sure we don’t come across as having a favorite. Granted, they all think the youngest is the favorite, but they’ve all been the youngest at some point and I always explain to them that any extra attention the youngest gets is due to them being the youngest. However, we are very careful to divide our time, attention and everything else equally among the kids.

I’ve seen firsthand what favoritism can do (and could go on for pages and pages and pages about it). The best you can hope for is at least some lingering resentment among the ones who aren’t the favorite. It’s more likely to lead to poor or broken relationships, self esteem and confidence issues and major trust issues. I agree with those who say that the OP’s husband should get some help.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I’ve seen firsthand what favoritism can do (and could go on for pages and pages and pages about it). The best you can hope for is at least some lingering resentment among the ones who aren’t the favorite. It’s more likely to lead to poor or broken relationships, self esteem and confidence issues and major trust issues. I agree with those who say that the OP’s husband should get some help.

Exactly! I agree. I also know firsthand about the favoritism of another sibling. I can say without a doubt that I have lots of resentment towards my sister as well as my parents due to the favoritism of my sister.

This reminds of the show Everyone Loves Raymond, where Raymond is clearly the favorite, and Robert is clearly second best.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Exactly! I agree. I also know firsthand about the favoritism of another sibling. I can say without a doubt that I have lots of resentment towards my sister as well as my parents due to the favoritism of my sister.

This reminds of the show Everyone Loves Raymond, where Raymond is clearly the favorite, and Robert is clearly second best.

One of the problems I had with Everybody Loves Raymond is that, since they played it for laughs, it minimized the effects of parental favoritism. I know people who would refer to that show to justify their own behavior. “See, it’s not that big of a deal.” I also saw a lot of blaming the victim, claiming the less favorite children were holding onto inconsequential things, making too big of a deal out of minor issues or complaining about insignificant things years after the fact. I agree that one minor issue isn’t a big deal, but when it’s a longstanding pattern of leaving one or more children out in favor of the favorite(s), even the minor instances have a significant impact. For instance, missing out on seeing a movie with the family isn’t a big deal, but being left home from every movie over the course of a summer because you’re being punished for the actions of your favored sibling is a pretty traumatic event for a child. What’s worse is when grandchildren come along and the children of the non-favorite start out behind the eight ball because, no matter what they do, they’ll never compare with their cousins or get equal treatment from their grandparents simply because they were born to the wrong sibling. Now you’re left dealing with children who can’t understand why their grandparents canceled out at the last minute from a very important event they’d promised to come to months earlier all because their cousin’s drama club scheduled a third open dress rehearsal (and the grandparents had already attended the first two). But none of that’s a big deal because, ha ha, look, on the TV it’s funny.

 

[jilly4ski]

After reading the whole thread, I’m not quite convinced that the OP’s situation is actually abusive or anything close to the dysfunctional situations some of the other posters have gone through. My mother has very narcissistic tendencies and she openly favored my sister over me growing up, well past the point of mental abuse. I agree that such behavior is harmful as my sister and I hated each other during our childhoods because of our mother using her to abuse me. Our relationship is better as adults because we both realize that our mother was doing this intentionally to us in order to control us. Also, my sister became the unfavored child once I went away to school and my mother started picking on her as well.

Anyway, what the OP describes doesn’t sound like the same sort of situation. In the situation I experience as well as what other posters described, the favored child was allowed to get away with and sometimes even encouraged in hurting the other siblings. Furthermore, the favored child never faced any consequences for their actions. The OP stated that her husband does discipline the youngest child when necessary, though she less frequently requires it.

That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a problem though. It sounds like the sarcastic and demeaning attitude toward the older children could be inappropriate and harmful. I think the OP and her husband need to get on the same page regarding their parenting practices and what’s appropriate. It might be a good idea to get a third opinion on the subject, either an expert or someone you trust who has experience with parenting different age groups. That way, they can have someone objectively say whether or not the OP’s husband’s behavior is really problematic, or just not the same style as the OP’s. I would take care of this now, as the middle children will be becoming teens soon and even the baby’s cuteness is going to wear off eventually.

I think it depends on what behaviors he exhibits to the older children as compared to the youngest. My youngest siblings (twins) were a lot like the Op’s youngest child, people pleasers, eager and earnest. Often going beyond what was required in chores. My little sister in particular was neat and tidy, enjoyed her order, was never loud or obnoxious and in fact had a teacher in school tell my mother that she didn’t have to finish her homework because she was just “so cute.” Luckily my mother (and father) were very fair.

The things they did right:

For unearned things we were all treated equally. (Candy, Christmas presents, etc) barring things like age (too little).
We all had the same expectations. Some of us were better at meeting those expectations that others, but the same things were still required of us.

He my regret his wish to have the youngest stay with him forever. LOL, my little brother and sister are 27 and still at home, despite my parents’ attempts at lanching them from the nest. (She is getting some benefits of having them stay at home, rent, lawn care, cookie baking, and house cleaning. But she made them get their own cars, and has been making them go to diocesan singles’ events in an effort to get them to meet people).

Anyways op, I hope you can get this figured out, and find the words to communicate effectively with your husband so that he understands. (It will probably take longer to change behavior than to come to an understanding).

 

[pensmama87]

Ah, I wish this were true! At last in my own experience with all of my children and watching my friends this would be a dream come true!

Years ago I spent quality time with one child in the morning playing games and talking,
showing love only then to watch them go bananas because I was spending time with their sibling later in the day. This same scenario played itself out endlessly in various ways. I still never stopped trying to reassure my children of my love, however the accusations of “favorite” and jealousy were everywhere even who I let sit on the couch or who got to use what plastic cup at dinner. My children said I was playing favorites when I gave three of them a cookie and there were none left for the others who got home later and these were not toddlers! (Even though I had other treats in the house, they were still upset) I tried to share love and affection equally, however each child experiences love differently too. Some children need hugs, while others need positive reinforcement, while others need quality time it is knowing how to read them parenting is no joke.

I guess I should have clarified - has this belief that you were somehow being unfair persisted into adulthood? It seems to me that the folks posting about their experiences as children have pretty egregious, blatant examples of favoritism. The stuff you mention I would think be understood by adult children (especially once they have children of their own).

 

[lax16]

My husband outspokenly and unabashedly plays favorites with the youngest of our four children. He clearly favors our daughter and will openly force the other children to be submissive to her.

In the past, he has instigated our oldest child, a daughter who is a teenager, by coddling the youngest while he tells the oldest how she’ll be leaving home once she turns 18 years old, but that the youngest has to stay with Daddy forever. Our oldest daughter is a mirror image of her father who is also pessimistic and sarcastic, but he can’t seem to find himself to be loving or nurturing towards her. He treats her as if what she’s saying is incoherent and will often avoid her altogether.

Our second child, a boy with special needs, also is on the receiving end of his negativity when he does things that irk my husband. (My husband is sensory avoiding while my son is a sensory seeking child due to his autism and developmental delay). They are exact opposites of one another and my husband finds he has little to no patience for my son’s behavior.

Our third child, a boy, is frequently taunted by my husband for mistakes, etc., and is also made to feel he better treat the youngest correctly or else he will be in trouble. He will often be pushed aside for the attention to remain on the youngest one.

I have explained to him the damage he is causing and how our children will inevitably start to resent the youngest, but he excuses it by saying she always treats him better than the others, is an “eager to please” child, and has not been a discipline problem. I tell him he’s creating a monster as she will often threaten her siblings with telling on them to dad.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I make it a point to treat them all equally so that they don’t feel any favoritism from me. I completely feel their pain when they come to me with how difficult and rash their father is towards them. It has also caused me to lash out at my husband when he is so unfair to them.

How can I make him see the damage he is causing in our family? It breaks my heart to see the other children feel “never good enough” for him.

Peace.

+JMJ+

Is it possible your husband is a bit narcisstic as well as a bit Aspy? Seems like it to me and I am familiar with this personality combination.

 

[Xantippe]

I guess I should have clarified - has this belief that you were somehow being unfair persisted into adulthood? It seems to me that the folks posting about their experiences as children have pretty egregious, blatant examples of favoritism. The stuff you mention I would think be understood by adult children (especially once they have children of their own).

Right.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

One of the problems I had with Everybody Loves Raymond is that, since they played it for laughs, it minimized the effects of parental favoritism. I know people who would refer to that show to justify their own behavior. “See, it’s not that big of a deal.” I also saw a lot of blaming the victim, claiming the less favorite children were holding onto inconsequential things, making too big of a deal out of minor issues or complaining about insignificant things years after the fact. I agree that one minor issue isn’t a big deal, but when it’s a longstanding pattern of leaving one or more children out in favor of the favorite(s), even the minor instances have a significant impact. For instance, missing out on seeing a movie with the family isn’t a big deal, but being left home from every movie over the course of a summer because you’re being punished for the actions of your favored sibling is a pretty traumatic event for a child. What’s worse is when grandchildren come along and the children of the non-favorite start out behind the eight ball because, no matter what they do, they’ll never compare with their cousins or get equal treatment from their grandparents simply because they were born to the wrong sibling. Now you’re left dealing with children who can’t understand why their grandparents canceled out at the last minute from a very important event they’d promised to come to months earlier all because their cousin’s drama club scheduled a third open dress rehearsal (and the grandparents had already attended the first two). But none of that’s a big deal because, ha ha, look, on the TV it’s funny.

I thought the show emphasized parental favoritism.

As for the effects of parental favoritism effecting grandchildren, I can see that. My sister has one child, and I have none. A few years ago, I was going to visit my parents around Christmas (we live out of state). It was a huge deal, and long story short, I was told that it would be better for m sister if I came over Chrustas Eve, instead of Christmas Day. Fast forward to a month or so ago, and I wound up brining it up, among other issues. My mom claims the real reason was because she didn’t want to ruin her grandma’s Christmas. When we h a d the original conversation, I assured her I would be friendly and civil. Even told my mom I would have a gift for my nephew. Didn"t matter. In the most recent conversation, I was told that it is all about my nephew and he is all that matters. Lovely, no?

I totally get he is much younger than me (he isn’t in grammar school yet). Still, I would think that as her daughter I would get SOME consideration, but apparently not. My husband wants to go visit around Christmas this year. I told my mom what is the point when I’m not welcome on the holiday with the rest of the family? Honestly, I don’t want to set foot in their house if I don’t have to.

In any event, the OP’s husband needs to change how he interacts with his kids, or he in for bigger problems when they get older. I see it in my own situation as well as others who have posted theirs.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I thought the show emphasized parental favoritism.

By minimizing the effects, I meant that by playing it for laughs, it portrays it as something that isn’t serious and can be joked about. At the same time, Ray’s a bit of a schlub and even at his best often comes across as a bumbling idiot, which gives Robert’s complaints even less validity.

In a similar vein, I have friend whose brother is a total screw-up yet is his parents’ favorite. Tom has a nice family, good career, and is an all-around decent guy. His brother, Will, still lives at home, hasn’t had a steady job in years and is just an all-around oaf. No matter how hard Tom tries, it’s not good enough. Will, on the other hand, fails at everything he attempts (which isn’t much), but the way their parents talk you’d think it was the other way around. They also ridicule Tom if ever points out or complains about the disparity. It’s kind of like a real-life version of Everybody Loves Raymond, except there aren’t any laughs.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Yes, the parental favoritism for laughs in Everyone Loves Raymond does portray it as something that may be as serious, when it really is quite serious.

My sister and I are probably on similar footing as far as what we have in life. Just like your friend, any time I point out the unfairness of their favoritism, they dismiss it. “It isn’t what I think,” “It isn’t the way it looks,” etc. All excuses, IMO. That is part of the reason I have given up on talking to my parents. There are other factors, but that is definitely one of them.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I don’t think my own parents “played favorites” but what I do recall was how me and my sister wound up in stereotyped roles, that really took time to break out of – she was the “good girl” who got along well with everyone and never got into trouble (and though she really is smart, she had to work harder to get good grades than I did), and I was the “smart girl” who got good grades but had behavior problems, (at least compared to her – I never got in trouble with the law or anything like that). We were not that close growing up at all, though we are now.

Anyway, I get the feeling that the OP’s situation is one of those that is beyond the capabilities of an online forum, considering the wide range of opinions here. Unfortunately, without actually observing this family, it’s difficult to tell how serious the husband’s behavior actually is. Of course, parental favoritism is both human, and not ideal. However, there is a wide range of possibilities between “not ideal” and “abusive”.

I think that if the OP is able to access personal counseling, that would be the first step toward figuring out what to do.