Husband doesn't bathe--PLEASE help!

[NurseyJ]

A person who would not act on it shows a willful disrespect for the other person. It could be a power play thing. Men that were not taught by their fathers to respect a woman as wife and mother, can stay locked inside the mother/son dynamic with the woman they marry. Marriage counseling with a male counselor might be one way to trigger a new way of thinking in him.

Yes I have often expected that there is a mother-son dynamic going on (though unsurprisingly, he denies it). He grew up with a poor, stressed out single mom who often took her anger and frustration out on him. I think he may be playing the “stubborn passive aggressive son” role where he can “get back” at his mom (i.e., me) by not doing what she (I) says.

I’m just SO OVER it. I’m so tired and frustrated with feeling like I have 3 kids instead of two. I think we need some time apart and am considering separating. Tired of playing the game

 

[z_0101]

I just love how almost everyone her has crucified NurseyJ’s husband based upon very little information and without the husband’s side of the story.

What no one has asked…

1. How often does NurseyJ expect her husband to bath
2. How often does NurseyJ’s husband actually bath?

I know of one individual in college, complained about his wife’s nagging him all the time to take a shower. He took one every morning and anytime after a workout, etc… Turns out for his wife wanted him to take a shower at least three to four times a day. Turns out, she had a form of OCD and was projecting her illness on to her husband. Her mental illness nearly destroyed the marriage because she initially refused to recognize the illness, even after the marriage counselor asked her to seek a medical advise!

It just floors me how readily many people will find the husband guilty and throw him thru the gates of hell without ever getting both sides of the story.

IMHO
Because I suffer from skin allergies caused by some of the chemicals in soaps;
At a minimum, Preferably every other day, after anything strenuous (ie gym, landscaping, roofing), and additional times as needed.
and frankly, if this is good enough for babies:

parents.com/advice/babies/newborn-care/how-often-should-i-bathe-my-newborn/
mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/healthy-baby/art-20044438
then unless you’ve been working out, doing hard labor, swiming, etc… it’s more than likely good enough for the average person too.

I will not be replying any more to this thread. - :slapfight: -
Nor will I be replying to any posts linking to this post; thus, feel free to give the old blackeye. :blackeye: - :blackeye:

 

[theCrow]

Baby steps first:

Buy him some new deodorant at the store.

Be blunt and honest: “Honey, I don’t like the way your body odor is affecting our marriage. Will you please use this deodorant and take showers more often. I would greatly appreciate it.”

 

[NurseyJ]

1. How often does NurseyJ expect her husband to bath
2. How often does NurseyJ’s husband actually bath?

He has been averaging a once-a-week shower. He has a strenuous, physically demanding job and could definitely use more than once a week. I would be THRILLED if he had one every other day. He has acknowledged that he knows he should do more. He as even agreed to every other day. And then he just doesn’t do it.

 

[NurseyJ]

Baby steps first:

Buy him some new deodorant at the store.

Be blunt and honest: “Honey, I don’t like the way your body odor is affecting our marriage. Will you please use this deodorant and take showers more often. I would greatly appreciate it.”

Thankfully he uses a very good deodorant and re-applies it daily. He actually doesn’t smell bad but I find it incredibly gross none the less. I mean, most people (husband included) have bowel movements every day and to not shower at least every other day is just gross. We have had the above quoted talk before and he agrees and doesn’t follow through.

 

[PaulGH]

What no one has asked…

1. How often does NurseyJ expect her husband to bath
2. How often does NurseyJ’s husband actually bath?

If I am not mistaken, the OP had already said that her husband used to take showers every other day, and then the time between showers gradually increased from there, meaning that he is now taking showers less often than every other day. So I felt no need to ask, since I think it is reasonable for her to expect him to shower at least every other day.

 

[LongingSoul]

I’ve never heard of anyone who doesn’t shower at least once per day. Even as a kid in the very drought stricken outback town I grew up in we bathed every evening. Mind you we shared the water. The only people that didn’t bath daily were considered disadvantaged in some way. They were the unfortunate kids who smelt of urine and looked unwashed.

Of course this is the tropics and we sweat right through the winter months here. You all probably live in the cooler climates.

 

[styrgwillidar]

How ok was he with the sleeping in separate rooms? Have you done this your whole marriage?

I don’t think any of us can help you really. It sounds like since this was a change, there is something that triggered it. Since you’ve described him as passive aggressive it could very well be about something else. It sounds like your best option is marriage counseling.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I’ve never heard of anyone who doesn’t shower at least once per day. Even as a kid in the very drought stricken outback town I grew up in we bathed every evening. Mind you we shared the water. The only people that didn’t bath daily were considered disadvantaged in some way. They were the unfortunate kids who smelt of urine and looked unwashed.

Of course this is the tropics and we sweat right through the winter months here. You all probably live in the cooler climates.

I’m weird-- I have to take a shower before going to bed. Even if I get home late from a trip, I just can’t hit the covers feeling unclean.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I’ve never heard of anyone who doesn’t shower at least once per day. Even as a kid in the very drought stricken outback town I grew up in we bathed every evening. Mind you we shared the water. The only people that didn’t bath daily were considered disadvantaged in some way. They were the unfortunate kids who smelt of urine and looked unwashed.

Of course this is the tropics and we sweat right through the winter months here. You all probably live in the cooler climates.

Yes, a bath/shower in the US Midwest isn’t necessary every day, for most people. Helpful, but not necessary.

 

[Royalist]

I’m just SO OVER it. I’m so tired and frustrated with feeling like I have 3 kids instead of two. I think we need some time apart and am considering separating. Tired of playing the game

Your marital vows were for life, not until your husband stops showering. While separation is sometimes called for in extreme circumstances, this does not appear to be anything close to that.

Have you tried using the word “NOW” (nicely) when you ask him to shower?

After reading some other threads you started, I wonder if he’s unhappy with the current amount of intimacy in your marriage, and this is his ****** way of expressing that.

 

[Xantippe]

Your marital vows were for life, not until your husband stops showering. While separation is sometimes called for in extreme circumstances, this does not appear to be anything close to that.

Have you tried using the word “NOW” (nicely) when you ask him to shower?

After reading some other threads you started, I wonder if he’s unhappy with the current amount of intimacy in your marriage, and this is his ****** way of expressing that.

Not showering is a heck of a way to pep up your sex life.

 

[NurseyJ]

Not showering is a heck of a way to pep up your sex life.

Lol. Yes yes and yes.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t shower every day. I’ve even gone two days every now and then if I don’t have to work or go to church. If you wash your face and neck and use deoderant and don’t get too dirty from your daily activity, I don’t think it’s necessary.

 

[NurseyJ]

I don’t shower every day. I’ve even gone two days every now and then if I don’t have to work or go to church. If you wash your face and neck and use deoderant and don’t get too dirty from your daily activity, I don’t think it’s necessary.

Like I said before…I’d be thrilled if he could do every other day. I’d even be willing to overlook an every third day shower (still some ick factor, but willing to bargain). But only once a week? No bueno.

 

[Xantippe]

MIL (who is Eastern European) says: Americans bathe daily and grocery shop weekly. Europeans bathe weekly and grocery shop daily.

 

[Royalist]

Not showering is a heck of a way to pep up your sex life.

Well yeah. Clearly whatever his problem is, not showering won’t help.

Really I can’t think of any problems which would be solved by showering less.

 

[Allegra]

Well yeah. Clearly whatever his problem is, not showering won’t help.

Really I can’t think of any problems which would be solved by showering less.

Exema
Dandruff
Dry skin
Sleep Deprevation
Excessive Water Bills
Drought

 

[CradleJourney]

We don’t sleep in the same bed because he snores

This sounded a “red alert” for me. Has he been tested for sleep apnea?

With sleep apnea you can “sleep” but not really be getting any rest. Trust me, my husband considered his snoring “normal” and it took me a lot of prodding to get him to go in and see a doctor and get a sleep study. Big, big wake up call. (pun intended )

You can google it and get lots of information, but trust me, it’s not just about the snoring - it effects brain function and heart function. And for the non-medical side - it can turn your spouse into basically a walking zombie - including skipping showers, zoning out in front of the computer, and not being particularly interested in making decisions and/or being any kind of leader - due to being impaired by the lack of sleep.

 

[Allegra]

This sounded a “red alert” for me. Has he been tested for sleep apnea?

With sleep apnea you can “sleep” but not really be getting any rest. Trust me, my husband considered his snoring “normal” and it took me a lot of prodding to get him to go in and see a doctor and get a sleep study. Big, big wake up call. (pun intended )

You can google it and get lots of information, but trust me, it’s not just about the snoring - it effects brain function and heart function. And for the non-medical side - it can turn your spouse into basically a walking zombie - including skipping showers, zoning out in front of the computer, and not being particularly interested in making decisions and/or being any kind of leader - due to being impaired by the lack of sleep.

I agree. My husband has so much more energy and is so much more rested since he’s gotten a Cpap machine.