Husband doesn't want anymore kids

[Abundant]

I am having a dilemma with my husband. We have been married for 14 years in March. We have three beautiful, healthy children aged 11, 5 and 11 weeks. Between babies 1 and 2 we didn’t use any contraception and were completely open to life. I just never got pregnant. Just when I was about to visit the doctor to see if anything was wrong, we found out that I was pregnant!

After I weaned baby # 2 at 18 months, I was put on contraception for female problems. I wrestled with the decision, but after consulting with my priest and much thought I conceded. I took ABC for about 2 years. When she was 4 1/2, I started to really feel like God was calling me to have another baby. My husband did not want another baby, but I told him that I had prayed and prayed about it, and I was not going to take ABC anymore. I went to confession for taking the ABC because each time I would take it, I just felt that it was wrong. I will say that my dr did put a lot of pressure on me. I explained that I was Catholic and did not believe in it multiple times before finally giving in. I prayed, and told God that I was going to be obedient, even if that mean putting my health at risk and that I would just trust in Him. For about 6 months, I felt great. All of my previous symptoms had gone away…then, suddenly I started to feel sick again. I was having pain, feeling nauseous, etc etc. I prayed again and told God that I was really trying to be obedient, but I was feeling horrible…then the next week I got a positive pregnancy test! All of my symptoms were because we were having a new baby.We were shocked, but excited. He is now 3 months old and we couldn’t be happier with him. My husband is a great father and loves all of the kids.

Now however, my husband does not want to have any more children. He is Catholic and he understands Catholic teaching on contraception on an intellectual level, but he has not internalized it. He doesn’t understand why I won’t “just go back to the pill.” I tried to explain to him that the only reason I took it before was for medical purposes and I am now symptom free and those reasons no longer exist. I have had 3 c-sections, so I really shouldn’t get pregnant for another 2 years and he thinks that is reason enough. I don’t particularly want to get pregnant and have another baby either, but I don’t want to use contraception. So the result is that we have only had sex twice in the last 3 months because we don’t want to get pregnant and he is kind of blaming me.

I think that me being on the pill in the past made it easy for him. He didn’t have to worry about me getting pregnant, and it was all just fun and games. It became convenient, and I know that even though Jesus has forgiven me, we are still dealing with the consequences of that action. Now, he is afraid to touch me even though I am still exclusively breastfeeding and my cycle hasn’t returned. He doesn’t understand why I won’t “just” take a pill when it seems so easy. (He also threatens to get a vasectomy every now and then, but so far has not done so.)

I did take an intro Creighton class, and I understand all about NFP, but they are not 100% reliable and he wants to be 100% sure that I won’t get pregnant. HELP! I know that I am not the first person to go through this and I certainly won’t be the last.

(Side note: there is no reason for him not to want another baby other than he simply doesn’t want to. We both work and we both make really good money, have a home, ample savings, etc. So it is not like there is a lot of pressure on him to provide for a growing brood or anything. )

 

[paperwight66]

I don’t understand why you went to confession over using the Pill, when you were prescribed it for medical reasons?

 

[lucymeadhbh]

I know someone else can advise you better but I just want to point out (to your husband) that NFP is more effective (99.6%) than any form of artificial birth control.

As a woman, I empathize strongly with your situation and really admire the stand you are taking.

God Bless,
Meadhbh

 

[mountee]

Praying for you and your husband to be able to resolve this with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit guiding you.

 

[Maine52]

Does your husband realize that no form of contraception is 100% reliable? The only way to 100% avoid pregnancy is abstinence. Condoms,the pill, spermicides, etc. come with some failure rate. So, if he thinks using contraception is going to provide a 100% chance you will not get pregnant, he is wrong. If he wants a 100% chance of not ever becoming pregnant again, you and he need to abstain until you reach menopause.

 

[Abundant]

I don’t understand why you went to confession over using the Pill, when you were prescribed it for medical reasons?

The more I read about ABC, the more I realized that it is objectively wrong. I did have medical and hormonal issues that could be treated with the pill, but I think I could have tried alternative therapies more aggressively or sought a different doctor. I don’t know if it was a mortal sin to take the pill, but I know that somewhere along the line I felt truly compelled by God to stop. I also know that once I put my faith in him and stopped, my hormones seemed fine and I suffered no more symptoms…as if He knew that it was a moral concern for me and was helping me be more obedient. (I’m not sure if that even makes sense and I don’t want to insinuate at all that women should forgo medical care, but it was my experience.)

 

[Evania]

The pill causes a host of health problems for a woman over time. I would strongly encourage you to provide your husband with some of that info. Is he also aware that the pill isn’t 100% effective? In fact, it is considered an abortifacient, so although there are children being conceived, the child’s life is ended through the use of the pill. Creighton is a reliable form of NFP. The thing is, are you willing to follow it correctly? It’s fairly simply, but it does require more work than just popping a pill. With Creighton, you monitor your fertility signs for just a few seconds while you’re in the restroom. It’s simple and has a strong learning curve. One of the benefits is that you and your spouse learn and see the beauty of your body and how it works. You will learn to work with your body instead of against it.

 

[Abundant]

Does your husband realize that no form of contraception is 100% reliable? The only way to 100% avoid pregnancy is abstinence. Condoms,the pill, spermicides, etc. come with some failure rate. So, if he thinks using contraception is going to provide a 100% chance you will not get pregnant, he is wrong. If he wants a 100% chance of not ever becoming pregnant again, you and he need to abstain until you reach menopause.

Yes, he realizes that, but I think that the required abstinence during parts of the month are a problem because we already have full time jobs and 3 kids so when we do have the opportunity, he doesn’t want to have to forgo sex. Honestly, I understand. If we can only have sex once a week because life gets in the way (tired, busy, whatever) and then one week I’m fertile and another week I’m having my cycle, then that only leaves twice a month. I think it’s frustrating for him.

 

[Maine52]

Yes, he realizes that, but I think that the required abstinence during parts of the month are a problem because we already have full time jobs and 3 kids so when we do have the opportunity, he doesn’t want to have to forgo sex. Honestly, I understand. If we can only have sex once a week because life gets in the way (tired, busy, whatever) and then one week I’m fertile and another week I’m having my cycle, then that only leaves twice a month. I think it’s frustrating for him.

Well, in your first post, you said he needed to be 100% sure you wouldn’t get pregnant. Now you are saying it is the abstinence he doesn’t like. Which one is it? If it’s the former, abstinence is the only way to be “100% sure you won’t get pregnant.” If it’s the latter, welcome to the world of NFP. My DH and I know what you’re describing all too well. There are a limited number of days available for sex and you just don’t “feel like” using every one of them. Sex twice a month sounds about average based on the number of days available and the number of those days you feel like having sex. And of course there are plenty of fertile days on which you really want sex but can’t. Believe me it is frustrating.

It doesn’t make it any easier if your husband is not completely on board with the belief that contraception is a sin. At this point, prayer is your best tool.

Sorry I don’t have better advice.

God bless you for sticking to your beliefs. The world needs more faithful people like you.

 

[Maine52]

The pill causes a host of health problems for a woman over time. I would strongly encourage you to provide your husband with some of that info. Is he also aware that the pill isn’t 100% effective? In fact, it is considered an abortifacient, so although there are children being conceived, the child’s life is ended through the use of the pill. Creighton is a reliable form of NFP. The thing is, are you willing to follow it correctly? It’s fairly simply, but it does require more work than just popping a pill. With Creighton, you monitor your fertility signs for just a few seconds while you’re in the restroom. It’s simple and has a strong learning curve. One of the benefits is that you and your spouse learn and see the beauty of your body and how it works. You will learn to work with your body instead of against it.

Excellent post!

Creighton is a good system. I personally use the Marquette Method and highly recommend it.

 

[schaeffer]

Few thoughts, ignore them if they don’t apply.

First, it’s not uncommon for either a mom or a dad to feel like “no more” when the current baby is only a few months old…and feel a bit differently in 18 months. The hour to hour responsibilities of a young baby makes it feel overwhelming to consider having another on top of that. He might not feel this 100% strongly a year from now.

Taking needed hormone therapy is not the same as using ABC. Nor is having a needed hysterectomy the same as being sterilized to avoid pregnancy.

My mother not only suffered horribly for decades because of that erroneous idea, but she also was reduced to not being able to take care of her family as well because of it. She was desperately anemic for at least 20 years, sometimes having to lean against a wall to avoid fainting.

Sometimes medical procedures and medications are necessary, and some do have the unfortunate side effect of sterility.

I hope that you and your husband can prayerfully reach a resolution that will bless your entire family, and that your health remains good so you can be the best wife and mother to whatever children you are blessed with.

 

[underacloud]

Side note: there is no reason for him not to want another baby other than he simply doesn’t want to. We both work and we both make really good money, have a home, ample savings, etc. So it is not like there is a lot of pressure on him to provide for a growing brood or anything.

As a father of four who doesn’t “want” another baby, I would be very displeased with my wife saying something like the above.

“No reason”?

“Not like there is a lot of pressure”?

These comments indicate that you are insensitive to your husband and dismissive of his concerns in this matter. I would prioritise better communication and better empathy before worrying about the specifics of any intimacy.

 

[Abundant]

As a father of four who doesn’t “want” another baby, I would be very displeased with my wife saying something like the above.

“No reason”?

“Not like there is a lot of pressure”?

These comments indicate that you are insensitive to your husband and dismissive of his concerns in this matter. I would prioritise better communication and better empathy before worrying about the specifics of any intimacy.

Actually I am not being insensitive because this is not one of his concerns and I was just pointing it out. He doesn’t have a reason not to be open to more kids other than he just doesn’t want them. We are financially very well off. I have seen other threads where that was the husbands concern and I was just addressing that before someone else suggested it as a reason.

 

[Maine52]

Actually I am not being insensitive because this is not one of his concerns and I was just pointing it out. He doesn’t have a reason not to be open to more kids other than he just doesn’t want them. We are financially very well off. I have seen other threads where that was the husbands concern and I was just addressing that before someone else suggested it as a reason.

I’m not sure I understand everything that is going on here. There is more to having children than money. Just because you have enough money to have a child doesn’t mean you are entirely prepared to have a child. Having children requires a great deal of mental and emotional preparedness. Perhaps your husband’s mental and emotional preparedness for dealing with sleep deprivation, long hours of changing diapers, rocking to sleep, and everything else that comes along with having a baby, has run out. Maybe he feels he can only mentally and emotionally handle three children. This is perfectly understandable.

The Church does not require a married couple to continue having children just because they can. That’s why there is NFP. Before everyone jumps on me about having “grave reasons” for using NFP to avoid children, mental and emotional readiness to have children is a grave reason, as long as it is not selfish. We all have our limits. Maybe your husband feels he can only handle three children, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Unless his reasons for not wanting more children are selfish, then I have a hard time seeing where he is doing something wrong by not wanting more children.

The issue with your husband is not that he doesn’t want anymore children. The issue is that he wants to use contraception and doesn’t think contraception is sinful. That’s what you need to focus on.

Forgive me if I’m missing something here…

 

[underacloud]

Actually I am not being insensitive because this is not one of his concerns and I was just pointing it out. He doesn’t have a reason not to be open to more kids other than he just doesn’t want them. We are financially very well off. I have seen other threads where that was the husbands concern and I was just addressing that before someone else suggested it as a reason.

He doesn’t want any more kids. There will be reasons for this. You need to try to get him to articulate those reasons and for you both to try to understand them. You may or may not agree with his reasons, but to say outright that there are none is dismissive of your spouse.

There will be reasons. The moral question is whether those reasons are just.

You have a very young baby at the moment and by your own account you should avoid pregancy for at least two years. Those are a couple of good (temporary) reasons.

You have three chilrden. That can be hard work. That can be a lot of pressure (to pick up on a word you used dismissively). Many parents feel that their hands are full with three, and that is another (arguably good) reason.

You clearly have some strain in your marriage. Prioritising your marriage may be another very good reason to avoid another pregancy. Again, this may be a more temporary reason, or perhaps more ongoing if you two find that it’s hard to maintain a good marriage with all the stresses and work of current family life (which relates to the point above).

 

[Abundant]

I’m not sure I understand everything that is going on here. There is more to having children than money. Just because you have enough money to have a child doesn’t mean you are entirely prepared to have a child. Having children requires a great deal of mental and emotional preparedness. Perhaps your husband’s mental and emotional preparedness for dealing with sleep deprivation, long hours of changing diapers, rocking to sleep, and everything else that comes along with having a baby, has run out. Maybe he feels he can only mentally and emotionally handle three children. This is perfectly understandable.

The Church does not require a married couple to continue having children just because they can. That’s why there is NFP. Before everyone jumps on me about having “grave reasons” for using NFP to avoid children, mental and emotional readiness to have children is a grave reason, as long as it is not selfish. We all have our limits. Maybe your husband feels he can only handle three children, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Unless his reasons for not wanting more children are selfish, then I have a hard time seeing where he is doing something wrong by not wanting more children.

The issue with your husband is not that he doesn’t want anymore children. The issue is that he wants to use contraception and doesn’t think contraception is sinful. That’s what you need to focus on.

Forgive me if I’m missing something here…

In my first post I just mentioned the money because I have seen it mentioned in other threads as a reason to not have more children and I just wanted to point out in advance that it wasn’t a reason. I only reiterated it because I think that is what the person who replied was understanding the problem could be.

Basically-it boils down to this: I love the three kids we have. I am happy with just three and if I’m perfectly honest, I don’t want to go through a pregnancy or section again either. However, I was also happy when we just had two as well and I wouldn’t trade the third for anything. I don’t want to force my husband to have a baby. And certainly since I am so new postpartum, still breastfeeding etc. I don’t feel compelled to have any more right now anyway. The difference is that I think we should not adopt a contraceptive mentality and that we should make sure that every marital act is open to life. My husband disagrees. He doesn’t want kids, and he wants to prevent them from being conceived. I don’t especially want more either, BUT I beleive that we can be responsible in our family planning but still leave room for God to bless us with more kids if He so wills it. While I was pregnant, my husband put a lot of pressure on me to get my tubes tied too. He non-challanty referred to it as “getting fixed,” so many times that I actually ended up in tears and told him that it really hurt my feelings because there are risks (and why would he want me to take those?) and I don’t need to be fixed becaus I am not broken. So, while we both agree that we don’t want any more kids (especially right now), we just cannot agree on a way to achieve that. I hope that helps clarify the questions.

 

[Abundant]

He doesn’t want any more kids. There will be reasons for this. You need to try to get him to articulate those reasons and for you both to try to understand them. You may or may not agree with his reasons, but to say outright that there are none is dismissive of your spouse.

There will be reasons. The moral question is whether those reasons are just.

You have a very young baby at the moment and by your own account you should avoid pregancy for at least two years. Those are a couple of good (temporary) reasons.

You have three chilrden. That can be hard work. That can be a lot of pressure (to pick up on a word you used dismissively). Many parents feel that their hands are full with three, and that is another (arguably good) reason.

You clearly have some strain in your marriage. Prioritising your marriage may be another very good reason to avoid another pregancy. Again, this may be a more temporary reason, or perhaps more ongoing if you two find that it’s hard to maintain a good marriage with all the stresses and work of current family life (which relates to the point above).

Hmmm…please read my most recent post. I think you are misunderstanding my question. This isn’t about me wanting more children and he doesn’t agree. Rather it is about the means by which we prevent them from being conceived. I would like to use NFP (probably Marquette since I am breastfeeding) and he would like to artificially contracept. When I went to the Creigton training he wouldn’t even go with me because he thinks it’s a waste of time and there are easier ways and I’m being too scrupulous. I have no desire to have another baby at this time either but I will not sin in order to prevent a baby from being conceived. The result is definitely a strain on our marriage as you pointed out, but it has nothing to do with dismissing my husbands concerns or coercing him into getting me pregnant.

 

[Maine52]

In my first post I just mentioned the money because I have seen it mentioned in other threads as a reason to not have more children and I just wanted to point out in advance that it wasn’t a reason. I only reiterated it because I think that is what the person who replied was understanding the problem could be.

Basically-it boils down to this: I love the three kids we have. I am happy with just three and if I’m perfectly honest, I don’t want to go through a pregnancy or section again either. However, I was also happy when we just had two as well and I wouldn’t trade the third for anything. I don’t want to force my husband to have a baby. And certainly since I am so new postpartum, still breastfeeding etc. I don’t feel compelled to have any more right now anyway. The difference is that I think we should not adopt a contraceptive mentality and that we should make sure that every marital act is open to life. My husband disagrees. He doesn’t want kids, and he wants to prevent them from being conceived. I don’t especially want more either, BUT I beleive that we can be responsible in our family planning but still leave room for God to bless us with more kids if He so wills it. While I was pregnant, my husband put a lot of pressure on me to get my tubes tied too. He non-challanty referred to it as “getting fixed,” so many times that I actually ended up in tears and told him that it really hurt my feelings because there are risks (and why would he want me to take those?) and I don’t need to be fixed becaus I am not broken. So, while we both agree that we don’t want any more kids (especially right now), we just cannot agree on a way to achieve that. I hope that helps clarify the questions.

Ok, this makes more sense. I think it was the wording of the last line of your original post that threw people off.

 

[Abundant]

Well, in your first post, you said he needed to be 100% sure you wouldn’t get pregnant. Now you are saying it is the abstinence he doesn’t like. Which one is it? If it’s the former, abstinence is the only way to be “100% sure you won’t get pregnant.” If it’s the latter, welcome to the world of NFP. My DH and I know what you’re describing all too well. There are a limited number of days available for sex and you just don’t “feel like” using every one of them. Sex twice a month sounds about average based on the number of days available and the number of those days you feel like having sex. And of course there are plenty of fertile days on which you really want sex but can’t. Believe me it is frustrating.

It doesn’t make it any easier if your husband is not completely on board with the belief that contraception is a sin. At this point, prayer is your best tool.

Sorry I don’t have better advice.

God bless you for sticking to your beliefs. The world needs more faithful people like you.

Thanks for your response…it’s good to know we aren’t the only ones out there grappling with this.

 

[underacloud]

I only reiterated it because I think that is what the person who replied was understanding the problem could be.

No. Hopefully my second post has cleared up your misconception.

The difference is that I think we should not adopt a contraceptive mentality and that we should make sure that every marital act is open to life. My husband disagrees. He doesn’t want kids, and he wants to prevent them from being conceived. I don’t especially want more either, BUT I beleive that we can be responsible in our family planning but still leave room for God to bless us with more kids if He so wills it.

The term “contraceptive mentality” doesn’t really mean anything. You either contracept or you do not.

You can practice NFP with the firm intention of avoiding pregnancy. That’s what some people mean when they use the term “contraceptive mentality” and they miss the point. It is not wrong to avoid pregnancy if you have just reasons.

But it seems like the bigger question is whether your husband will agree to use NFP, not whether it is being used with a “contraceptive mentality”.

While I was pregnant, my husband put a lot of pressure on me to get my tubes tied too. He non-challanty referred to it as “getting fixed,” so many times that I actually ended up in tears and told him that it really hurt my feelings because there are risks (and why would he want me to take those?) and I don’t need to be fixed becaus I am not broken.

That’s pretty bad form and insensitive on your husband’s part. Looks like you both may have some work to do on the communication front. It may be a good idea at some point to get ome sort of mediator - counsellor, priest - involved to help you both work through al this.

So, while we both agree that we don’t want any more kids (especially right now), we just cannot agree on a way to achieve that. I hope that helps clarify the questions.

Yes, thanks, that does clarify things.

Ultimately, you may find that this argument begins to take too much of a toll on you both. If your husband is insistent, you may need to consider taking the path of other faithful Catholics when their spouses wish to or choose to contracept.