husband gaining weight

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What do you all think are constructive ways of dealing with continuous weight gain in a spouse? My husband was always very active and ate well until recent years. Now he seems to always be eating; cheese and crackers, pretzels, cupcakes (6 kids, lots of birthdays!) He has also been drinking at least a beer each night, and today he came out of the gas station with two 6-packs, which is unusual and probably not a good sign (that he feels like he needs to “stock up”)
There is some serious obesity in his family, as well as high blood pressure, etc. I know this can only be trouble if he doesn’t do something about it (we’re still young, he’s 39) soon.
And, the truth be told, I do not find this attractive at all. I know that is very shallow of me, and I am wrestling with this character flaw of mine, so please be gentle!
He does like broccoli, so I’ve got a dozen ziploc bags filled with individual size portions of broccoli in the fridge at any time. He does toss one in the microwave for a snack each day. Also, I’ve altered our menu to be primarily beans and eggs as a primary protein source. I’ve always made plenty of veggies part of our meals, but he insists on snacks.
I do think a covert operation will be unsuccessful, meaning further adjustments to our foods, because I already take great care and I think he would get snacks out anyway.
Can one spouse SAY something that will not be offensive? Any suggestions men?
 
Perhaps you could frame it as, “honey, I think both of us could use some excersize”, let’s join the gym together or invest in some gym equipment. Then, you are helping him along without telling him you are think he is getting fat-- and you will benefit too! Also, improved exercise will lend itself to better eating.

My dad still drinks beer everyday! Although, he also runs and eats vegetables. I think beer is the male form of relaxation.
 
Well, tell him about your health concerns for him rather than the looks. He’ll probably just get offended about the looks, though I totally understand where you’re coming from. It just isn’t attractive to see someone not take care of themselves, let alone grow in girth.

Practical advice? Learn these four words, and use them in conjuction with a yoink! “The Kitchen Is Closed.” And only buy stuff that takes a little while to fix. You would be amazed how much he’ll cut back if he has to spend an extra five minutes waiting on prep time for his little snacky snack.
 
The sugar free home is the ultimate goal if this isn’t a disease your husband has other than self control.

Self control is a gift you can both give your children. The start is saying no to sugar, then drugs and then immorality.

But how do you start? Is he stimulated by an exciting home routine. Give him the lead in prayers, reading to kids, teaching them catechism, sports. Too busy for cupcakes.

Get good water and snacks cut up veggies out all the time and ready. I used carrot sticks all over my house.

Next step get agreement no one eats sugar in your home, self control can say no. Next start cooking without sugar. Finally the next step is no sugar in any food you have – sugar free home.

You will be healthy, happy and more peaceful. This is hard and there will be times of crying and fighting as we know now sugar is a very hard drug to kick.

When your kids see your example of self control they will be strong enough to say no to drugs in high school and immorality in university.

Get the book Alcoholism the Biochemical Connection if your husband needs convincing.

Brother John
 
In my (highly successful) hypnotism weight loss sessions and groups, I have been using the book The Thin Commandments as kind of a text. It is an excellent guide for analyzing – and changing – your eating habits.
And once people decide what habits they should change, hypnotism makes it much easier to impliment thos plans.
 
I second YoungCatholic’s idea concerning joint membership at a local gym. Many YMCAs have family membership plans and with as many children as you have, they would also love it! Many of today’s Ys offer indoor and outdoor pools, weights, aerobics, basketball, etc, etc. If you have very young children, many Ys also have babysiting available. This would be a great way to spend with the entire family while at the same time helping your dh. 🙂
 
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momstheword:
What do you all think are constructive ways of dealing with continuous weight gain in a spouse? My husband was always very active and ate well until recent years. Now he seems to always be eating; cheese and crackers, pretzels, cupcakes (6 kids, lots of birthdays!) He has also been drinking at least a beer each night, and today he came out of the gas station with two 6-packs, which is unusual and probably not a good sign (that he feels like he needs to “stock up”)
There is some serious obesity in his family, as well as high blood pressure, etc. I know this can only be trouble if he doesn’t do something about it (we’re still young, he’s 39) soon.
And, the truth be told, I do not find this attractive at all. I know that is very shallow of me, and I am wrestling with this character flaw of mine, so please be gentle!
He does like broccoli, so I’ve got a dozen ziploc bags filled with individual size portions of broccoli in the fridge at any time. He does toss one in the microwave for a snack each day. Also, I’ve altered our menu to be primarily beans and eggs as a primary protein source. I’ve always made plenty of veggies part of our meals, but he insists on snacks.
I do think a covert operation will be unsuccessful, meaning further adjustments to our foods, because I already take great care and I think he would get snacks out anyway.
Can one spouse SAY something that will not be offensive? Any suggestions men?
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You need to clear out all snacks. The kids don’t need them and neither does he. Lead them not into temptation.

But why have you gone vegan? Haven’t you heard that Protein is the way to go? Do some research on high fiber foods too. Popcorn is a great snack, low calories and high fiber.

Learn to work with him. Broccoli as a snack? ew

My wife gets me trail mix, cut up ham and cheese for a snack. I’ve dropped 10 pounds since she started low carbs. Your husband is a man. We guys like snacks and beer. Remember, anything is good in moderation.

Also, you exercise and push him to do it with you. Or let him join Softball with his buds. You can’t change him but his friends can.

And really if some guy came on here and said “Truth be told, because my wife is getting fat, I’m not attracted to her anymore.” he’d never hear the end of it. You took him for better or worse.

And have you considered that something changed to change his eating habits? Maybe you should look into that.
 
oh, my, sounds like my dh, when we were dating 14 yrs ago my dh actually weighed less than me :o , he was so thin, now, after 14 yrs of marriage and quiting smoking, dh has plummeted up to around 180 would be my guess and he is NOT tall, he is shorter than me and many of his family is heavy and dh has high blood pressure and has to take pills for it.

I’ve tried it all, praying, whining, complaining, begging, crying, badgering, over and over and nothing I say seems to make a difference, not a one thing. Am I worried? You bet I am…but…do I love him no matter what? Yes, of course I do. But, I want him around for a long time…so I just keep setting a good example, eating healthy, making healthy meals, asking him to go for walks with me and praying, I pray all the time that if it is God’s will dh will lose some weight and most important “take better care of himself” I know, after around 5 yrs of all the begging, pleading, etc. it doesn’t work to do that, so you have to hand it over to God, even though it is so hard to do that, I can’t make my hubby lose weight, he has to want to for him and until he is at that point, I need to love him and pray for him. But, it is hard, I’m so scared sometimes that he’ll have a heart attack, but I just pray in those times even harder, I hope this helps some. 🙂
 
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hypnotist:
In my (highly successful) hypnotism weight loss sessions and groups, I have been using the book The Thin Commandments as kind of a text. It is an excellent guide for analyzing – and changing – your eating habits.
And once people decide what habits they should change, hypnotism makes it much easier to impliment thos plans.
Click to expand...
What kind of hypnotism weight loss? Does it work??
 
Assuming he’s not emotionally eating, I would think he’s snacking all the time because he’s not filled up. I would think beans and eggs are just not enough protein, especially day in and day out. Protein fills us up for longer periods of time.

There are plenty of lean ways to offer him protein. Low-fat cheese, nut-spreads (peanutbutter, almond), lean poultry meats (chicken, ham or turkey), canned tuna, crab, salmon, nuts, legumes, tofu, and of course beans and eggs. Even yogurt has some in it. You want to cut the carbs that get paired with protein, not the protein from the carbs. Let him get his carbs from fruit and vegetables. Make celery and lettuce your ‘new bread.’ Roll meat and cheese with some mustard or whatever up in a lettuce leaf. Put peanut butter on celery. Have low-fat cheese sticks on hand for him to grab. If you’re worried about saturated fat in meat, then stay away from beef but a serving or two a week is not going to hurt him. Nor is a serving or two of whole grains a day–but not endless snacking on crackers or pretzels that don’t fill him up.

I would tell him you’re worried about his health and have noticed that he might not be getting enough protein. Could you also consider making a chart for meal planning? Blame it on the budget and say it will help with health accountability. Like, spell out Breakfast, snack, Lunch, snack, Dinner for each day of the week and post on the fridge. So when he comes in ‘starving’ you can be like, here honey today we’re having apples spread with peanut butter and a yogurt for a snack, want me to fix you a plate?

As another poster mentioned, fiber is really important and there are ways to artificially supplement this but if he is eating a lot of high-fiber fruits with a couple grain servings then that’s good.

Also make sure he’s getting enough water. Staying hydrated will help mask any non-essential hunger pains.

You might also try PMing Puzzleannie. She is the queen of lo-carb and interesting ways to make things yummy without carbs or junk.
 
Yes it does; I lost 25 pounds, which is why I became a hypnotist…
Everyone here is giving advice, most of it good.
Most people know the good advice. The problem isn’t lack of knowlege so often as following the advice.
Hypnotism is a process of that helps you keep that advice in your head and act on it.
We eat unhealthily, obviously, because there are these unhealthy-eating ideas in our minds as well as healthy-eating desires. Hypnotism dramatically makes the better ideas more prominent in our thinking and so affect our behaviour.
 
Gaining weight, or gaining FAT? there is a BIG difference. i am 6ft 200, and right at about 11% body fat. i am considered overweight by the “standards”. but take a moment and chat with the last guy who tried to resisting arrest with me.

the main areas to focus on:
  1. DIET - this alone can make or break anyone
  2. strength training - skeletal muscle’s PRIMARY fuel is triglyceride based. hence, when you strength train, you automatically break down fats for fuel.
  3. cardio - and not just a leisurely stroll.
losing fat can be reletively easy, at least initially. however, once you get to your “genetic” or lowest potential body fat composition, you really have to make your life miserable to get down to 12, 11, 10, and 9% body fat (abs are noticeable visible).

my advice: join a gym and compliment a well-built guy or three. this will flare his ego, and then ask him “how did you get into such amazing shape?”. everyone is different, but there will be common themes to their answers. its free, and you can pick and choose what is right for you.
 
You say he was active and now he is not. First, why is he no longer active? Second, what type of stuff did he like to do? Try to focus on what he likes to do. Other things to think about, how to get the rest of the family involved. If obsiety runs in the family, I’m sure your children will have to deal with it, if they aren’t encouraged to be active. Its a lot easier if you start off that way.

If he does like the gym maybe do that. I know you have a lot of kids and money is probably a bit tight, but if you can budget it in, it might be better to save off health problems later. Plus he’ll have more energy to deal with challenges and just to play. It might even be a good idea to get a few personal sessions that also gives help with a meal plan. Once you start seeing results and you actually have to log in what you eat for a few days, it’ll give you some motivation not to lose your gains by eating bad. Besides as for me, I cut out drinking after I started working out. Who wants to have a headache when having to work out the next day?

If you can why don’t you start working out & just have fun with it? Either get the kids to go along, or just go by yourself & tell him you’ll give him some alone time too to work out. There really are a lot of options, with friends and without, inside and outside. Even if you aren’t that good, it doesn’t matter. Even if the workout isn’t that good at first, you’ll get better.
 
I think you should phrase it like this, “Honey, your eating and drinking habits have changed, you’re gaining a lot of weight, and I’m concerned about your health and happiness.”

He may not like that, but you’re his spouse. You’re not the one whose supposed to be pulling punches until it’s way too late.

By the way. I don’t think it’s a character flaw for you to think it’s unattractive. That doesn’t have to mean you don’t love him as much, but you don’t have to like the way he’s changing. I’d venture a guess that you find his behavior patterns unattractive as much as his looks.
 
Thanks for all of the suggestions. Perhaps finding a way (as spring approaches) to get the family, as a group, outside will help. That seems to be the most do-able idea.
You’re right, Pira, it does not affect my love for him. In fact, I am worried that we won’t have him in a few years if this keeps up.
The reason he is not as active is us. He just doesn’t want to come home and take off for an hour long run, and I have offered him that extra hour so that he can. I guess he’s just getting lazy. He goes to the gym each morning, but he can’t be doing a lot of aerobic activity because there have been no positive changes in his physique. I pack lunches quite often, but he does have lots of lunch meetings and I can’t imagine what he is eating. I think at this point he simply does not think he’s got a problem.
I’m not super active, but I’m very careful about my food, and after 6 kids I’m still a size 8 (at 5’9"), but my legs jiggle like jelly:-) If we can go as a group to the park/playground, or even play in our own yard it would be good.
Do guys eat for comfort like women do? Another failure of mine; I’m not effusive by nature, but add the kids to the mix and he rarely gets tender attention from me. Do guys react to this with eating? Maybe a few back rubs, hand holding, and general attention would help. Ya’ think?
 
Ok…I’m the ‘fat wife’, so I can tell you what DIDN’T work: continuous nagging and sighing and saying ‘Should you be eating that?’…being signed up to the gym while I wasn’t interested and got out so tired and hungry that ‘gym-night=binge-night’ led to a further 30 lb weight-gain…

Find out WHY he is eating, not in an ‘I accuse you’ way, but in a ‘Gosh, we are going through so many cakes, we never used to…’ kind of way…

Because I can tell you: I have a good marriage and my dh is in NO way responsible for causing my weight-gain, BUT we have had 5 very difficult years with repeated unemployment, difficult pregnancies, long illness, financial strains and the death of my mom and grandmother both in the space of 9 months. I fully accept responsibility for comfort-eating my way out of a hole…and it wasn’t until a few months ago that I realised ‘This has got to stop!’ I had gained 120 lbs in 5 years!!! But…it wasn’t until I myself realised that things needed to change, that I was able to turn my eating-habits around, no amount of help, hinting or down-right ‘you got fat, I don’t like it’ will help, if HE doesn’t see it and if HE doesn’t want to help himself! Yes, you can cook healthy and serve him healthy meals, but when he’s outside the house, it’s upto him, and he may well eat healthy IN FRONT OF YOU and then buy chocolate-bars on his way to work…It really is upto HIM. In the years I just wasn’t ready, any form of gentle ‘honey…are you okay? Shouldn’t you stop now’ only made me angry and frustrated and ‘how dare he think he knows how I feel!’…and made me eat more in secret… I’ve lost 24 lbs now, since early December, because I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t carry on eating junk…ME…Not anyone else! And that is the tough thing: looking back, all the well-meant help and everything from my dh only made me feel uglier and more rejected, and only when there was ‘no pressure’ from him or anybody else, could I start helping myself!

Again, your dh’s story may be completely different, but it needs to come from HIM! Everybody these days knows what is healthy and what is not…but for some of us, making those healthy choices isn’t as clear-cut as it may be for our slimmer spouses. Food can be addictive, especially sugary, fatty food, and yes it does -temporarily- make you feel better and more relaxed…but it has implications, and he really has to see that for himself. As any slimming-club and any nutritionist will tell you: nobody loses weight long term if they’re not doing it for themselves! Prayers for you both!

Anna x
 
Men are not quite as sensitive to women when it comes to weight comments.

I would just tell him the truth…that he is getting fat and he doesn’t look as good as he used to and if he keeps going at that pace he is going to be 300 lbs and not around for his kids and that he needs to get his sorry butt away from the TV and onto the track or at the gymn and that it is not fair to you or the kids for him to let himself go

well…ii guess you can be a little more gentle, but sometimes men react well to being blunt rather than trying to be nice and beating around the bush…thats why we yell at eachother at the gymn and while playing sports and say “come on you wimp run further”…its a kind of motivation that you don’t see too often among women

I know if my wife told me I was getting fat…well I think I would take three weeks off work and doing nothing but run, lift, swim, bike and watch Rocky movies when i need a rest…
 
Wow… this thread scares me.

I just got married to a man who is pretty fat. He’s been losing some weight since we met, but he’s still very heavy. I’ve told him that I worry about his health and that his lack of confidence in himself wasn’t sexy at all. He used to be thin, but apparently he’s really ballooned over the last five years or so.

He has absolutely no idea about healthy eating. He thinks it’s OK to drink a half gallon of OJ every day “because that’s healthy.” He was working out at the gym regularly, but not eating any lunch and then just stuffing himself with giant pans of pasta and lots and lots of sweets. He has no idea of what volume of food he should eat and he finds it emotionally painful to leave food on his plate. When he came to America to visit me, the huge portions really threw him off. As did the free refills of soft drinks in restaurants. He’d guzzle a pint glass of coke, and they’d refill it, so he’d drink it… repeat five or six times. He is also a very timid person and telling the waiter to not refill his glass is not something he could bring himself to do… so he started ordering diet coke. He’d complain that he’d eaten too much or was feeling too full and I told him, “you don’t have to finish everything. Americans like to have too much food put in front of them, so that’s what restaurants will do to you.”

Anyway, the way it is now:

He eats only what I prepare for him. He is forbidden to open the fridge. I fix him a breakfast every morning before he goes for his morning walk (he had to drop the gym because it was too expensive.) his is either one bowl of cereal with skim milk and Splenda, or a scrambled egg with one slice of toast and a small glass of OJ. I pack him a lunch - usually a peanut butter sandwich, an apple, and some left-over veggies from dinner the night before. When he gets home, we have a nice, normal dinner (I don’t cook low-fat very well), but I put the portions on his plate. I always prepare frozen veg (peas or mixed) with each meal and he can have as much of that as he wants if he wants to feel more full. I keep our meat portions smallish. Sometimes, in the evening, I’ll make us each a slice of toast with Nutella on it for a snack.

He assures me that he’s not cheating during the day by buying food and I believe him.

I do have to kinda prod him into his morning walk, because he’s a very lethargic person who used to just sit on the couch every night and fall asleep in front of the telly. He walks for thirty minutes, but I don’t think he’s capable of walking very briskly.

Anyway, he’s losing weight. I can see it. I try to point this out to him frequently, with enthusiasm.

This is good, but the bad thing is that I don’t like being his mother and I worry that I’m undermining his masculinity. I find that I have to tell him to do EVERYTHING (except go to work. he’s a hard worker.) I have to tell him to take a bath, to get out of bed, to take those cartons up to the attic (after they’d sat there for several days, I realized that he wasn’t going to do it on his own.) I also have to tell him that I prefer it if he’d brush his teeth before bed (for obvious reasons) and it sometimes seems I have to nag him to do this.

So, I’m happy that my assertive, rather controlling side is tolerated. I’m happy that he’s losing weight. I’m not at ALL happy that I’m mothering and nagging him all the time.

I think I need to back off and pray for acceptance - no matter how he chooses to live his life - before I completely undermine his masculinity.
 
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katybird:
So, I’m happy that my assertive, rather controlling side is tolerated. I’m happy that he’s losing weight. I’m not at ALL happy that I’m mothering and nagging him all the time.
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Why in the world did you marry him if you don’t like the way he is?
You knew how he was before you took your vows, right?

God Bless your husband.
 
There seems to be two ways to go about it, one go out and change everything. The other thing is to work on it slowly to change habits. I think this should be a family thing, so it’d be better to do it that way.

Start by finding ways to work in a work out. When it comes to diet start finding things to cut out & or figure out better alternatives. No need to do everything at once, but maybe set out to do one thing weekly or monthly. Try finding new recipes & differnt snacks.
Tell him you think that the family needs to pick up some more healthy habits and become a bit more active. He’s probably ok now, but if he keeps up with this he’s going to have some problems later, but doing this is going to be good for the family. It’ll keep the kids active too. Just make a plan for some small but doable changes. If you cannot get out during the weekdays, try to go out and do something on the weekend. Its winter, maybe go sleeding or go out to the ice rink. If its too warm for that, get a soccar ball. Maybe try to get out once during the week & if you can build up from that. The sun goes down pretty early, so maybe start that in the spring. Chances are if its fun, once he starts getting a little more fit, he might start not minding do some sort of a workout after work. I used to work out after work, and it can be a very good stress reducer.

The main thing is to plan, plan, plan. Start out with easy things, and once you get in the habit and you see some results, it gives you a lot of motivation. If you mess up, don’t worry about it, jump back on it. This is a long term plan, not a short term one. Besides what are your goals…to be more healthy & help the family. Playing together will make a lot more memories than hanging out on the coach.
 
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