husband gaining weight

[bquinnan]

vluvski:

And only buy stuff that takes a little while to fix. You would be amazed how much he’ll cut back if he has to spend an extra five minutes waiting on prep time for his little snacky snack.

Actually, having successfully lost a bunch of weight, I have a different opinion on this. For me, having easy-to-grab healthy snacks makes me much more likely to eat those instead of some other food.

I hide the unhealthy snacks from myself – out of site, out of mind – and try to keep the fruitbowl on the counter stocked.

Of course, even the junk food I buy for the kids isn’t usually all that junky anymore.

 

[bquinnan]

jbuttrey:

Self control is a gift you can both give your children. The start is saying no to sugar, then drugs and then immorality.

I’ve never thought of it that way, but that’s an excellent point!

 

[rayne89]

katybird:

Anyway, the way it is now:

He eats only what I prepare for him. He is forbidden to open the fridge. I fix him a breakfast every morning before he goes for his morning walk (he had to drop the gym because it was too expensive.) his is either one bowl of cereal with skim milk and Splenda, or a scrambled egg with one slice of toast and a small glass of OJ. I pack him a lunch - usually a peanut butter sandwich, an apple, and some left-over veggies from dinner the night before. When he gets home, we have a nice, normal dinner (I don’t cook low-fat very well), but I put the portions on his plate. I always prepare frozen veg (peas or mixed) with each meal and he can have as much of that as he wants if he wants to feel more full. I keep our meat portions smallish. Sometimes, in the evening, I’ll make us each a slice of toast with Nutella on it for a snack.

He assures me that he’s not cheating during the day by buying food and I believe him…

This is good, but the bad thing is that I don’t like being his mother and I worry that I’m undermining his masculinity. I find that I have to tell him to do EVERYTHING (except go to work. he’s a hard worker.) I have to tell him to take a bath, to get out of bed, to take those cartons up to the attic (after they’d sat there for several days, I realized that he wasn’t going to do it on his own.) I also have to tell him that I prefer it if he’d brush his teeth before bed (for obvious reasons) and it sometimes seems I have to nag him to do this.

Eee gad I know most of us woman tend to “mother” our hubby’s a little bit but this is way off the chart. This doesn’t strike as a husband -wife relationship but a parent-child relationship.

Trust me I did over-mothering in the past and it was very bad for our marriage. It was very demoralizing to my husband and looking back I feel so completely embarressed by my behavior. I really think our marriage encounter weekend would be very helpful in your situation.

No real changes were made until I left my hubby alone and let him decide when to make them in his own time. For example my hubby quit smoking by his own decision last year. For years I harped and nagged about it. It was one of the first things we argued about when dating (that was 17 years ago). Finally about 5 years ago I quit nagging. And last year he quit on his own (Jan 1, 2005) and hasn’t had a smoked since.

You hubby needs to be your best friend, your lover and help mate not your home-improvement project. I know you do things out of love and I totally understand that. But just because he tolerates it doesn’t mean it isn’t hurting him. Men need to feel respected, they to feel like “men” for lack of a better definition, not a little boy who can’t take care of himself.

 

[bquinnan]

BioCatholic:

my advice: join a gym and compliment a well-built guy or three. this will flare his ego, and then ask him “how did you get into such amazing shape?”. everyone is different, but there will be common themes to their answers. its free, and you can pick and choose what is right for you.

I was with you up to this point, BioCatholic. Making him think his wife is checking out other guys could really hurt him and cause him to question whether his wife really does love him unconditionally. Further, if every time he goes to gym his wife seems to be flirting with other guys, he’s not going to want to go.

But, your advice on balancing strength training with cardio is good.

 

[MariaG]

jman507:

You say he was active and now he is not. First, why is he no longer active? Second, what type of stuff did he like to do? Try to focus on what he likes to do. Other things to think about, how to get the rest of the family involved. If obsiety runs in the family, I’m sure your children will have to deal with it, if they aren’t encouraged to be active. Its a lot easier if you start off that way.

If he does like the gym maybe do that. I know you have a lot of kids and money is probably a bit tight, but if you can budget it in, it might be better to save off health problems later. Plus he’ll have more energy to deal with challenges and just to play. It might even be a good idea to get a few personal sessions that also gives help with a meal plan. Once you start seeing results and you actually have to log in what you eat for a few days, it’ll give you some motivation not to lose your gains by eating bad. Besides as for me, I cut out drinking after I started working out. Who wants to have a headache when having to work out the next day?

If you can why don’t you start working out & just have fun with it? Either get the kids to go along, or just go by yourself & tell him you’ll give him some alone time too to work out. There really are a lot of options, with friends and without, inside and outside. Even if you aren’t that good, it doesn’t matter. Even if the workout isn’t that good at first, you’ll get better.

BINGO!!! What did he used to do and like to do. If it was competitive sports, he probably is not going to keep going to the gym. He needs a reason to work out, like run a 5k. A weight lifting competition etc. If the guy liked to compete, gym membership in and of itself won’t stick for the long haul unless there is a competitive reason to keep on getting in shape.

If it was hiking around outside, a gym membership isn’t going to help that one either. Hunting use to be his thing? Gym isn’t going to work there either.

So if getting active is the point, you need to look at what he used to like to do not just get a membership to the gym, although it can be great for some.

And if the things he used to like to do are things that are solitary by nature, he may have given them up because he didn’t want to spend time away from his family. You need to help him realize the greatest gift he can give his family, is a healthy him, not a couch potatoe him.

God Bless,
Maria

 

[clskier]

I’ll weigh in here (no pun intended) from a guy’s point of view. My wife hinted, suggesting working out together, pushed lighter foods on me, etc. Then one day she said “Hon, your starting to get fat, I don’t like to see you letting yourself go.” Sure, it hurt, I started getting defensive, making exuses, and then decided she was right. I started working out, and she told me how proud she is of me. I beamed . Then after a few weeks, I was coming out of the shower she said something like "wow, va va va voom, what a great body… , Well you get the idea . Anyway, compliments go a lot further than nagging.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

**wow. The parent/child relationships in some of these marriages seems really out of balance to me??? **I don’t do that and can’t imagine it would effect any possitive change physically or relationship wise either.

---

This is probably the dumbest question ever, but why can’t their just be honesty? "Lately you seem to have let your health slide a bit and I’m starting to worry about it. I love you and want to be here for you. Is there somethng going on that I can help with or that you’d liek to talk about?"

---

I could see helping him avoid tempations by being carefull about how the family eats and what is bought, but he’s a grown man and will have to do this himself.

 

[katybird]

rayne89:

Eee gad I know most of us woman tend to “mother” our hubby’s a little bit but this is way off the chart. This doesn’t strike as a husband -wife relationship but a parent-child relationship.

Trust me I did over-mothering in the past and it was very bad for our marriage. It was very demoralizing to my husband and looking back I feel so completely embarressed by my behavior. I really think our marriage encounter weekend would be very helpful in your situation.

No real changes were made until I left my hubby alone and let him decide when to make them in his own time. For example my hubby quit smoking by his own decision last year. For years I harped and nagged about it. It was one of the first things we argued about when dating (that was 17 years ago). Finally about 5 years ago I quit nagging. And last year he quit on his own (Jan 1, 2005) and hasn’t had a smoked since.

You hubby needs to be your best friend, your lover and help mate not your home-improvement project. I know you do things out of love and I totally understand that. But just because he tolerates it doesn’t mean it isn’t hurting him. Men need to feel respected, they to feel like “men” for lack of a better definition, not a little boy who can’t take care of himself.

Yes… that’s exactly what worries me.

The weird thing is - he seems to want it to be that way, himself. He told me from the very beginning that he likes assertive, confident women.

I’m not some tyranical ogre who is just stomping all over some poor guy… he is playing a role in it, too. I think the thing to do is just cease nagging him about anything AT ALL. He has told me that he cannot control his eating on his own… if food is put in front of him, he feels compelled to eat it. I, on the other hand, have always had trouble keeping weight on. I like to eat all sorts of bad-for-you things. But, I think the thing to do is to just keep healthy things around the house and prepare only healthy stuff, and then let him do whatever her wants.

As for the other things - things like exercising or brushing his teeth - I’m never going to mention them, again.

I need to concentrate more on serving him from a position of humility and worry more about what I need to do. If he chooses to work out, or carry heavy things for me, or whatever, then that will be a free choice of his. If he doesn’t want to, that is OK, because he is an adult and can do whatever he likes.

I think, if I back off and behave in a softer, more feminine way, he’ll be inspired to step up and do more. If he doesn’t - that is OK. The most important thing I can do is work on my own faults and see to it that I do everything in my power to be a good wife.

 

[JSmitty2005]

katybird:

I just got married to a man who is pretty fat.

When I read that, I just had to crack up even though it’s not really funny itself, but just the way you said it. Sorry.

 

[Ana]

clskier:

I’ll weigh in here (no pun intended) from a guy’s point of view. My wife hinted, suggesting working out together, pushed lighter foods on me, etc. Then one day she said “Hon, your starting to get fat, I don’t like to see you letting yourself go.” Sure, it hurt, I started getting defensive, making exuses, and then decided she was right. I started working out, and she told me how proud she is of me. I beamed . Then after a few weeks, I was coming out of the shower she said something like "wow, va va va voom, what a great body… , Well you get the idea . Anyway, compliments go a lot further than nagging.

Our experience is VERY similar. My husband got chunky (about 20 lbs.) soon after we got married. Finally last year, we went out to dinner, and I said it … “Honey, you need to lose some weight.” He said … “No, I don’t I’m fine.” I took his fork out of his hand, looked him in the eye, and very gently said, “Honey … I see you naked.”

He looked down at his plate, his face got red and very quietly he said … " I can’t believe you just said that to me." I reminded him that he was the one that said he was fine, and I was just reminding him, that there was someone else it mattered to other than him. Than I changed the subject and we continued with our dinner. It wasn’t mentioned again. That was four months and twenty five pounds ago … WOW! Does he look great!! oh yeah … He has gotten the VaVaVoom reaction out of me too. ANd he looks so much younger, healthier and more vibrant. He admits that he feels better too, but I think it may be getting to his head a little having a wife that is so appreciative of his physical beauty!! Va Va Va Voom!!

 

[Ana]

katybird:

As for the other things - things like exercising or brushing his teeth - I’m never going to mention them, again.

I see nothing wrong with expecting him to brush his teeth at night, esp. if you are sleeping next to him!! PU!! Or you could leave it entirely up to him, and let him know he can choose to brush his teeth or not (and you can choose whether to sleep in another room.)

 

[JSmitty2005]

Ana:

I see nothing wrong with expecting him to brush his teeth at night, esp. if you are sleeping next to him!! PU!! Or you could leave it entirely up to him, and let him know he can choose to brush his teeth or not (and you can choose whether to sleep in another room.)

Using hydrogen peroxide as a mouthwash is a sure way to get rid of bad breath. I learned it in microbiology class. It kills the anaerobic bacteria in your mouth that cause bad breath much better than listerine or toothpaste.

 

[SeekerJen]

Princess_Abby:

Assuming he’s not emotionally eating, I would think he’s snacking all the time because he’s not filled up. I would think beans and eggs are just not enough protein, especially day in and day out. Protein fills us up for longer periods of time.

There are plenty of lean ways to offer him protein. Low-fat cheese, nut-spreads (peanutbutter, almond), lean poultry meats (chicken, ham or turkey), canned tuna, crab, salmon, nuts, legumes, tofu, and of course beans and eggs. Even yogurt has some in it. You want to cut the carbs that get paired with protein, not the protein from the carbs.

Abby’s on to something here.

It seems that in many (not all) cases, it’s easier for a woman to be a vegetarian. It also depends on what type of diet the person was raised on. For example, I was raised on a varied diet, where vegetarian meals were often thrown into the mix (especially on Fridays). I have at times subsisted on a completely vegetarian diet, with protein coming mainly from beans, eggs, and cheese, and prefer to avoid beef and pork as I have trouble digesting them.

My husband, OTOH, was raised on meat every day, sometimes twice a day, and red meat at least three times per week. I try to feed us a vegetarian meal a couple of times per week, and poultry or fish the rest of the time so that he can get enough animal protein and avoid the digestive issues that he has when he eats too much veg and legume at a time. Even so, once in a while he just physically craves the red meat, for the iron or the high protein levels. That’s when we go out for dinner so he can get a burger.

I seem to remember reading that excessive carb cravings could be a sign of iron deficiency. A diet high in refined carbs also starts a vicious cycle- the energy ramps up quickly but then burns off just as quickly, leading to a crash, which leaves the person craving more sugar and starch for another quick boost. Try adding more lean meats and fish, other proteins, and whole grains to his diet. Keep lean lunchmeats in the house, like turkey or ham, my husband loves these. He also likes to grab a yogurt for a snack. Whole grain toast with peanut butter is good, for breakfast or a snack.

And as for the beer, both my father and my husband have one per night. They both enjoy it, and according to my father’s doctor, his blood pressure has further stabilized since he started his “one-a-day” beer regimen. If he doesn’t have a drinking problem, then I wouldn’t worry about it.

 

[Giannawannabe]

momstheword:

What do you all think are constructive ways of dealing with continuous weight gain in a spouse? My husband was always very active and ate well until recent years. Now he seems to always be eating; cheese and crackers, pretzels, cupcakes (6 kids, lots of birthdays!) He has also been drinking at least a beer each night, and today he came out of the gas station with two 6-packs, which is unusual and probably not a good sign (that he feels like he needs to “stock up”)

Can one spouse SAY something that will not be offensive? Any suggestions men?

I think it’s important to note that your hubby’s eating habits have changed. My dh has always been one to junk food it. I keep things as healthy as I can around here, but he usually finds a way to get to the pop and goodies. Are you sure he hasn’t always been a closet junk fooder? Perhaps at work, etc.? Maybe now he’s just not hiding it. As we approach our 40’s, both men and women have a more difficult time keeping slim. My dh was so slim while we dated and for the first 10 years of marriage, but his poor eating habits have caught up with him. He’s not fat, but has gained quite a bit of weight the last few years. He knows he has gained weight, and doesn’t like it. He just gets irritated if I mention anything about it. In fact, I just suggested that he and I start walking together (I walk daily—about a mile), and he got mad. My point is that he is probably very aware of his weight gain, and your mentioning it, even in a nice way will not be helpful. The best thing is to keep the food at home healthy and nutritious. Make sure you have a nice dinner each night. Do what you can do to make things healthy at home. Perhaps you can begin an exercise routine yourself. Start running or walking after dinner. Every once in awhile ask him to join you. Of course, pray for him. His desire to lose weight has to come from within him.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I think I would avoid taking a fork out of his hand while speaking about the subject… Apparently that worked for another poster but I think most spouses would find such an action both hurtful and demeaning!

 

[Fitz]

hypnotist:

In my (highly successful) hypnotism weight loss sessions and groups, I have been using the book The Thin Commandments as kind of a text. It is an excellent guide for analyzing – and changing – your eating habits.
And once people decide what habits they should change, hypnotism makes it much easier to impliment thos plans.

This is not allowed in the Catholic church. We are not allowed to give up our free will to anyone ever.

 

[Libero]

What do you all think are constructive ways of dealing with continuous weight gain in a spouse? My husband was always very active and ate well until recent years. Now he seems to always be eating; cheese and crackers, pretzels, cupcakes (6 kids, lots of birthdays!) He has also been drinking at least a beer each night, and today he came out of the gas station with two 6-packs, which is unusual and probably not a good sign (that he feels like he needs to “stock up”)
There is some serious obesity in his family, as well as high blood pressure, etc. I know this can only be trouble if he doesn’t do something about it (we’re still young, he’s 39) soon.
And, the truth be told, I do not find this attractive at all. I know that is very shallow of me, and I am wrestling with this character flaw of mine, so please be gentle!
He does like broccoli, so I’ve got a dozen ziploc bags filled with individual size portions of broccoli in the fridge at any time. He does toss one in the microwave for a snack each day. Also, I’ve altered our menu to be primarily beans and eggs as a primary protein source. I’ve always made plenty of veggies part of our meals, but he insists on snacks.
I do think a covert operation will be unsuccessful, meaning further adjustments to our foods, because I already take great care and I think he would get snacks out anyway.
Can one spouse SAY something that will not be offensive? Any suggestions men?

You could just do what my mum does at least three times a year, and go completely crazy!! Throw all junk food out of the house, cook only vegetable soups and make muesli for the mornings, buy lots of yoghurts and decide that suddenly we need to start walking.

It is no fun, and it is not subtle but it works. When my dad objects, my mum refuses to cook for him, and he soon comes around. Wow - we must sound like such a dysfunctional family

 

[Ana]

Princess_Abby:

I think I would avoid taking a fork out of his hand while speaking about the subject… Apparently that worked for another poster but I think most spouses would find such an action both hurtful and demeaning!

I guess it depends on the kind of relationship the couple has.

BTW, taking the fork out of his hand was simply to encourage his undivided attention. He didn’t take my behaviour as demeaning and hurtful, because it wasn’t meant that way. His red face was his initial response to me FINALLY penetrating his “comfort zone.”

He is type 1 Diabetic and I had been concerned about his weight for a long time. I had to learn that although “my reasons” (his health) for him losing weight were priority to me, as unfortunate as it is, they were not priority to him. Soooooo … I thought about it from his perspective and what I have learned about relating to my husband in almost ten years of our wonderful marriage … and went through the back door and “got him where it hurts” … his VANITY!

Alot of advice has been offered here, but what worked for me was to let go of “my why’s” for him losing weight, and tried to help him find “his why” to lose weight, whether I felt it was important or not. It needed to be important to him. For my hubby … it was important for him to be attractive for me physically as well as interiorly. When he found his reason (with my help ), and lost the weight, my reasons (his health) were satisfied as well.

I am not so sure that my ways were more hurtful and demeaning than becoming the refrigerator police, as some examples have encouraged. My husband lost the weight without ONE WORD ABOUT HIS EATING HABITS from me. He is a grown man, and I will not dictate to him what he is ALLOWED to eat. If he wants to lose weight, it needs to be his choice. I cook the way I always do. HE has chosen to eat less, HE has chosen cut out his snacking, and HE has chosen to work out. He does this on his own. I am much happier being his cheerleader, than his mother, and we reap the rewards of this type of relationship. What rewards? Freedom to be ourselves and loved for it … warts and all.

VERY happy outcome, I pray the same for all of you.

God bless!!

 

[mom2boyz]

Has he gone for a physical lately? My husband could no longer play basketball (his favorite) due to a knee injury. He started to gain weight. Then he started snacking a lot, drinking a lot and going a lot. Turned out he developed diabetes.

After talking with him (probably nagging in his opinion) I discovered that in order for him to loose weight he needed me to exercise with him. This really annoyed me because I felt he should take care of his health himself. But I decided that my goal was for him to be healthy and live as long as possible. Now we exercise 3 times per week. We’re still at the beginning so we’ll see how it goes. I do sometimes have to remind him that he can no longer eat like a teenager.

I don’t find all that weight to be very attractive either, so when I feel put off I try to remind myself of all his other good attributes. I also remind myself that no one looks that great at they age. So some day he may look at me an see an ugly old hag. I hope he will remind himself of all my other good attributes then.

 

[Ronin]

… sheesh…

Weight gain is caused by one of two reasons, ie. Physical or mental.

Doritos at 11 PM would tend to rule out the physical part…

Six kids… how much time do you two get to spend together ALONE?

How is his job?

Is he doing what he wants to do at the level he feels he should be?

How old is he - is he fixated on his life being half over?

How is your sex life?

How do you feel about his “performance”?

How does he feel about his “performance”?

Do you know all the answers to these questions (or do you think you know)?

If you do not know, you need to find out.

If you do know, you need to find out anyway.

On a side note, what kind of shape are you in?