Husband getting vasectomy

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My husband and I are in our late 40s, we have two children, the youngest of whom is 19. I am a practicing Catholic, he is Protestant but attends Mass every Sunday and the kids are Catholic.

My husband won’t have sex with me because he doesn’t want to have more kids, and I won’t use artificial birth control and he doesn’t trust NFP. He knew my stance before I married him, I made it very clear. We haven’t had sex since my youngest was born, even though I wanted to, and now, I just view him as a brother. Yes, we went to counseling. Etc, etc… At one point I even agreed to condoms just to save our marriage but he refused because they didn’t feel good, he would not entertain the idea of a vasectomy, he wanted me to go on birth control, have an IUD, or a tubal… which I refused.

He asked me recently if I would have sex with him now but I said no, because I won’t compromise my soul by doing anything other than NFP. I just discovered that he scheduled a vasectomy without telling me, knowing how I feel about it, that I’m against it. I talked to him about it but he’s adamant, even though I told him if he goes through with it, then there’s zero chance of us ever having sex again. He’s doing it anyway.

Advice?
 
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Talk to your priest about this. Please don’t use an ultimatum like that. Back when I was Protestant I had a vasectomy, and confessed it when I converted to Catholicism. For other health reasons, we are living chaste lives, but we are definitely not brother and sister.
 
Puppy said:
then there’s zero chance of us ever having sex again. He’s doing it anyway.

Advice?
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I think you should reconsider your stance of “never again”. Your marriage is very damaged. I hope you two can heal. Ultimatums are rarely a good step in a marriage.

If your husband has a vasectomy against your will, you do not incur sin by having relations with him.
Puppy said:
He asked me recently if I would have sex with him now but I said no, because I won’t compromise my soul by doing anything other than NFP.
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It seems he asked you if you would have sex, not if you would use contraception. Unless I’m misunderstanding something.

Do you know an NFP method? Do you chart? Do you know when you are infertile? Peri-menopause can be a difficult time of charting but also fertility drops dramatically.
 
He wants me to use contraception. I do know NFP, have practiced it for many years even though he wouldn’t have sex with me. I’m still very regular, my OBGYN said there are no signs of menopause yet.
 
We are definitely like brother and sister, or maybe, more accurately, like roommates. He shows me no affection, will not hold my hand and hasn’t kissed me in almost 20 years, not from my lack of trying. After about 15 years, I stopped trying from my end, no point in being affectionate to the equivalent of a stone. And yes, he was the complete opposite towards me before marriage
 
Please at the very least speak to a priest. If your husband has a vasectomy against your will, you are not sinning by having relations to him. I hope you both can get the help you need.
 
Thanks. I’ve tried many times. He won’t go, so I went for myself. I have resigned myself to a celibate and essentially married-but-not life. It was really hard at first but I’m at peace now
 
I have spoken to our parish priest regarding the celibacy and other issues. He believes I have a good case for an annulment but I’m staying because I don’t want to devastate our children.
 
It is not moral for him to get a vasectomy, as you know, and it shouldn’t be encouraged. But… (and I don’t mean this as a “but” for him) if he does get one, you are not morally obligated to withhold sex because of it.
 
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As the others here say, you do not sin by having relations with a spouse who has voluntarily sterilized oneself. If he loses his soul, that is on him, not on you. I pray this will all eventually work itself out.
 
I wouldn’t assume he’s going to lose his soul over something that he doesn’t even realise is a sin. This is something that is not what God would prefer but God looks at the bigger picture and the man’s whole life and attitude towards Him on more than just one issue. OP I would honestly do the counselling. If there is no affection at all then that goes deeper than just not having sex
 
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19 years. I am flabbergasted.

It has been said several times here that if your husband has the procedure without your consent it is on him. You would not be sinning if you then had relations with him.

Do you love your husband? Or has this just turned into a power struggle at this point that you can’t back down from? I am not asking you to answer here, just to think about it. What would make you happy? Would continuing on with no relations and virtually no relationship make either of you happy, or would you like to salvage your relationship with your husband, the father of your children?
 
It is certainly not a power struggle on my end but I won’t compromise my morality. Yes, I love my husband and wish to have a relationship with him, but getting a vasectomy and having sex isn’t the way to go about it. Many other things have to happen first before I’d be comfortable having relations with him and he knows this as I’m very open about it. I don’t know if he’s capable, but I’m open to trying.
 
HomeschoolDad said:
If he loses his soul, that is on him, not on you.
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Direct, intended, and voluntarily undertaken sterilization is an objectively grave sin. When accompanied by sufficient reflection (i.e., knowledge) and full consent of the will, this can fulfill the conditions for mortal sin, and make one liable for eternal punishment. It’s that bad.

I said “if”. Of course I have no knowledge of his heart or mind, and I have no way of knowing if he will lose his salvation over this. But neither can I give him carte blanche and say “he’s Protestant, he knows no better, he may even think he’s doing a good and virtuous thing, so it’s all good”. No way. He’s been exposed to enough of Catholic teaching on this matter that, at the very least, he knows that the Church teaches it is wrong. Does anybody who just doesn’t happen to accept Catholic teaching on a given moral issue get a free pass because they don’t agree? What if they don’t agree that stealing, or lying, or “getting payback” against someone else who has wronged them, or failing to keep the Lord’s Day holy, or having an abortion, are wrong? Those, too, are Catholic teachings. Why pick out contraception and sterilization and say “oh, those are different”? Keep in mind, too, that all Christians prior to the early part of the 20th century condemned unnatural means of preventing conception.
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This is my thinking as well. By agreeing to have sex with him after the vasectomy even though he’s the one doing it and not me and certainly without my approval, doesn’t that make me guilty too? It seems like it should. He full well knows the church’s teaching on the matter. He’s hoping I’ll change my mind, and that places me in a moral predicament
 
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Puppy said:
This is my thinking as well. By agreeing to have sex with him after the vasectomy even though he’s the one doing it and not me and certainly without my approval, doesn’t that make me guilty too? It seems like it should. He full well knows the church’s teaching on the matter. He’s hoping I’ll change my mind, and that places me in a moral predicament
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I hesitate to speak directly to a member of the opposite sex, the wife of another man, regarding a matter such as this, but you do not share in his guilt. He has done this to himself without your consent or agreement. You do not have to remain celibate for life because of his having done this to himself.

Beyond this, I would recommend seeking the advice of a trusted, doctrinally orthodox priest. I hope it goes well for you both.
 
Puppy said:
He shows me no affection, will not hold my hand and hasn’t kissed me in almost 20 years, not from my lack of trying. After about 15 years, I stopped trying from my end, no point in being affectionate to the equivalent of a stone.
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So why will he get a vasectomy?
 
Puppy said:
By agreeing to have sex with him after the vasectomy even though he’s the one doing it and not me and certainly without my approval, doesn’t that make me guilty too?
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No it does not.
 
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