Husband has bizarre communication style and expects me to read his mind

[sdeco]

I need advice about my husband. It seems like he expects me to read his mind. An example is something that happened this past weekend. We were going somewhere and my husband was driving, and he got somewhat upset because it was cold and I didn’t turn on the heat. (It’s a relatively new car and I’m the one who usually drives it. He wasn’t quite sure how to turn on the heat.) The reason I didn’t turn on the heat is because I wasn’t feeling cold! I told him if he was cold and wanted me to turn on the heat, he could have just asked me to do it. He said he feels like he “shouldn’t have to ask me” to turn on the heat. (He will often say certain things are “obvious” or “common sense” (to him) ). I don’t know how I was supposed to know he was cold if he didn’t tell me!

He also seems to interpret things very literally. That’s the only way I can think of to describe his communication style. For example, if we are going somewhere and it’s getting close to the time when I think we should leave, I’ll say “do you want to go?” This means “are you ready to leave right now?” But he interprets it as “do you want to go, period,” as if we hadn’t already decided we were going to go somewhere. He’ll sometimes sarcastically respond “no, I don’t want to go.”

Also, sometimes he’ll ask me something like “what do you want for dinner?” and I’ll say “do you want tacos?” and he’ll say “why do you answer a question with a question?” WHAT?!?! “Do you want tacos?” means the same thing as “how about tacos?” or “I’d like to have tacos, what about you?” I feel like saying “let’s have tacos!” would be too forward, like I’m only thinking of my own preferences and not caring what he wants. I am someone who almost always does not have strong preferences about such trivial things as what to have for dinner. I just want food! If he has a strong preference about something like that, I’m perfectly happy to do what he wants.

There are also many times when he will think something we’re deciding on has been settled, and I think it’s still up in the air.

I find his communication style completely bizarre. Does anyone else have this communication style, or know someone who communicates like this? I am at a loss. Thanks.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, this is very odd! Is it new, or did he do this while you were dating? If this is something new, I’d be concerned that this change is neurological in nature. I’d want him to get a check-up, because there are organic reasons for this kind of perceptual change, and those conditions include things you want to catch and treat as soon as possible.

If it were me I’d also want to line up someone to talk to in person, as a touchstone and a reassurance of my sense of reality, because your husband seems primed to take you on a trip down Alice’s rabbit hole. I’d be mostly concerned that he needs to see a neurologist, though. See if you can get that to happen, if only to humor you and let you sleep better at night. Even if he has always been like this, he may have a syndrome that could be better dealt with if you understand what kind of perceptions he is and is not capable of.

 

[sdeco]

Easterjoy, he has clinical depression and has been on antidepressants since he was 17. He sees a psychiatrist about once a month. We have been married almost ten years and he has pretty much always been like this. It does seem like it has been happening less frequently since his dose of antidepressants has been higher. But it still happens.

 

[dshix]

Very, very odd. I’d guess it’s either a neurological issue or something else similar. How long have you been married? If you were married only recently, why didn’t you notice these issues before you got married?

 

[maryjk]

My husband sometimes will think he has spoken to me about something that he hasn’t or that the conversation he has had in his head, was out loud.

I say that his brain was in gear before his mouth was in motion.

I generally answer that I wasn’t there for that part of the conversation. Could he start over.

This sounds deeper than that, but I don’t know that I blame him for it.

I do question how you ask your husband about things. It seems just a little passive aggressive to me. When you say, " do you want to go" but it means something else, why don’t you just ask if he is ready? Are you really giving him an option of not going? That would get on my nerves too.

So would the answering my question with a question.

“What do you want for dinner,” requires an answer. Either an idea or “I don’t know” or “no preference.” I would not be thrilled with a question.

If you want tacos, say so. “We have the stuff for tacos. They sound good to me, how about you?” That way you are answering his question.

 

[dshix]

My husband sometimes will think he has spoken to me about something that he hasn’t or that the conversation he has had in his head, was out loud.

I say that his brain was in gear before his mouth was in motion.

I generally answer that I wasn’t there for that part of the conversation. Could he start over.

This sounds deeper than that, but I don’t know that I blame him for it.

I do question how you ask your husband about things. It seems just a little passive aggressive to me. When you say, " do you want to go" but it means something else, why don’t you just ask if he is ready? Are you really giving him an option of not going? That would get on my nerves too.

So would the answering my question with a question.

“What do you want for dinner,” requires an answer. Either an idea or “I don’t know” or “no preference.” I would not be thrilled with a question.

If you want tacos, say so. “We have the stuff for tacos. They sound good to me, how about you?” That way you are answering his question.

I partially disagree. To say “Do you want to go?” is a perfectly common, normal, and polite way to ask if the other person is ready to go. There’s nothing unusual or rude about that.

And when speaking about meals, the question, “Do you want to have tacos?” or “What do you want to have?” is also a very polite way to yield to the other person’s wishes as to what meal they wish to have, while at the same time stating what you want to have.

 

[maryjk]

I partially disagree. To say “Do you want to go?” is a perfectly common, normal, and polite way to ask if the other person is ready to go. There’s nothing unusual or rude about that.

No. It is asking if they WANT to go, as though the decision hasn’t already been made. A normal, polite way to ask if the person is ready to go it to actually ask it that person is ready to go. There is no need to dance around the fact that they need to leave.

And when speaking about meals, the question, “Do you want to have tacos?” or “What do you want to have?” is also a very polite way to yield to the other person’s wishes as to what meal they wish to have, while at the same time stating what you want to have.

Maybe I just don’t understand why people can’t just tell it like it is. Why do some have to beat around the bush?

Want to know what I want for dinner? Ask me. I will tell you. Same with my husband. If I suggest something he doesn’t want, he will let me know. If he has a preference, he doesn’t ask me what I want in hopes I will guess what he wants. He states his preference. As his wife, I can say okay or I can suggest something else.

Straight forward speech. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

 

[sdeco]

This thread seems to be turning into a mirror image of the arguments I have with my husband.

I think we are just dealing with two different communication styles here. Maryjk’s style is more like my husband’s. Dshix’s style is more like mine.

I really, truly am not trying to be passive aggressive. I would never do that. Dshix is right - I’m just trying to be polite. I do try to remember to ask and answer questions in the way my husband wants me to, but sometimes I forget, because it’s not natural for me. Sometimes I even stop myself in mid-sentence.

I think him expecting me to read his mind is a bigger problem.

 

[dshix]

No. It is asking if they WANT to go, as though the decision hasn’t already been made. A normal, polite way to ask if the person is ready to go it to actually ask it that person is ready to go. There is no need to dance around the fact that they need to leave.
Maybe I just don’t understand why people can’t just tell it like it is. Why do some have to beat around the bush?

Want to know what I want for dinner? Ask me. I will tell you. Same with my husband. If I suggest something he doesn’t want, he will let me know. If he has a preference, he doesn’t ask me what I want in hopes I will guess what he wants. He states his preference. As his wife, I can say okay or I can suggest something else.

Straight forward speech. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

I suppose that’s one way you say things. However, where I live, pretty much everyone I know speaks in the way I have mentioned before. That’s just the cultural way to be polite, and to word things the way you have suggested may be considered rude. I think it is very likely this is a cultural or area thing.

This thread seems to be turning into a mirror image of the arguments I have with my husband.

I think we are just dealing with two different communication styles here. Maryjk’s style is more like my husband’s. Dshix’s style is more like mine.

I really, truly am not trying to be passive aggressive. I would never do that. Dshix is right - I’m just trying to be polite. I do try to remember to ask and answer questions in the way my husband wants me to, but sometimes I forget, because it’s not natural for me. Sometimes I even stop myself in mid-sentence.

I think him expecting me to read his mind is a bigger problem.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Style of communication. I think you need to have a sit-down with your husband, so that you can both open your minds to each other and explain the problems you are having with communication, and figure out a good way to solve the problem.

 

[agapewolf]

Take the myerrs briggs and meet with a counselor to discuss your differences.

He sounds like a very high ST. You might be very NF

 

[Ophelia23]

I need advice about my husband. It seems like he expects me to read his mind. An example is something that happened this past weekend. We were going somewhere and my husband was driving, and he got somewhat upset because it was cold and I didn’t turn on the heat. (It’s a relatively new car and I’m the one who usually drives it. He wasn’t quite sure how to turn on the heat.) The reason I didn’t turn on the heat is because I wasn’t feeling cold! I told him if he was cold and wanted me to turn on the heat, he could have just asked me to do it. He said he feels like he “shouldn’t have to ask me” to turn on the heat. (He will often say certain things are “obvious” or “common sense” (to him) ). I don’t know how I was supposed to know he was cold if he didn’t tell me!

He also seems to interpret things very literally. That’s the only way I can think of to describe his communication style. For example, if we are going somewhere and it’s getting close to the time when I think we should leave, I’ll say “do you want to go?” This means “are you ready to leave right now?” But he interprets it as “do you want to go, period,” as if we hadn’t already decided we were going to go somewhere. He’ll sometimes sarcastically respond “no, I don’t want to go.”

Also, sometimes he’ll ask me something like “what do you want for dinner?” and I’ll say “do you want tacos?” and he’ll say “why do you answer a question with a question?” WHAT?!?! “Do you want tacos?” means the same thing as “how about tacos?” or “I’d like to have tacos, what about you?” I feel like saying “let’s have tacos!” would be too forward, like I’m only thinking of my own preferences and not caring what he wants. I am someone who almost always does not have strong preferences about such trivial things as what to have for dinner. I just want food! If he has a strong preference about something like that, I’m perfectly happy to do what he wants.

There are also many times when he will think something we’re deciding on has been settled, and I think it’s still up in the air.

I find his communication style completely bizarre. Does anyone else have this communication style, or know someone who communicates like this? I am at a loss. Thanks.

I have no advice for you, but I can relate completely. This is how my husband communicates as well. I try to take it all in stride and not take anything personally (like when he gets upset that I didn’t turn the heat on ) but even after several years of marriage it still troubles me and even sometimes hurts me. I haven’t found the solution. Let me know if you do. :hug3: You are in my prayers!

 

[maryjk]

I suppose that’s one way you say things. However, where I live, pretty much everyone I know speaks in the way I have mentioned before. That’s just the cultural way to be polite, and to word things the way you have suggested may be considered rude. I think it is very likely this is a cultural or area thing.

Maybe it is a cultural thing. Around here, say what you mean is the way to go.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Style of communication. I think you need to have a sit-down with your husband, so that you can both open your minds to each other and explain the problems you are having with communication, and figure out a good way to solve the problem.

I agree. Have a sit down. Figure out how to work this out.

A story our pastor shared with us was about life with the bishop. Once a month they would have silent meals. This would include the bishop, priests and seminarians. The goal was to have everyone anticipate each others needs. You couldn’t say “pass the salt.” “I would like more potatoes.” You had to wait until someone noticed that you weren’t eating or that you needed something. (I am sure for an emergency you could talk.) Our pastor claimed it helped him anticipate the needs of others that just don’t speak up when they need something.

 

[sdeco]

The problem is, he thinks his communication style is the “correct” one. He is not willing to try to “solve the problem.” He thinks only I should change. (I have asked him to go to counseling in the past about several issues. He has always refused to go).

I guess the stuff about asking and answering questions is fixable. I can get into the habit of doing it his way. But I don’t know what to do if he expects me to know he wants me to do something without telling me. It’s strange that he wants me to be direct, yet won’t even tell me what his wants.

Agapewolf, he is an ISTJ and I’m either INFP or INFJ (can’t decide).

 

[maryjk]

The problem is, he thinks his communication style is the “correct” one. He is not willing to try to “solve the problem.” He thinks only I should change. (I have asked him to go to counseling in the past about several issues. He has always refused to go).

I guess the stuff about asking and answering questions is fixable. I can get into the habit of doing it his way. But I don’t know what to do if he expects me to know he wants me to do something without telling me. It’s strange that he wants me to be direct, yet won’t even tell me what his wants.

Agapewolf, he is an ISTJ and I’m either INFP or INFJ (can’t decide).

Do you know his parents? Or how his parents communicated?

My in-laws, when they are upset with you, simply stop talking to you. Yep, they give each other the silent treatment. They do it to friends and family, alike.

That was all my husband knew. When we were first married, he didn’t know how to discuss things. If you didn’t agree with him, he simply stopped talking.

He had to learn how to discuss things. But we dealt with it early in our relationship.

The fact that you haven’t dealt with it yet is a problem. I am sure your husband doesn’t understand that there is a problem or why after 10 years, he needs to change.

 

[RoseMary131]

The problem is, he thinks his communication style is the “correct” one. He is not willing to try to “solve the problem.” He thinks only I should change. (I have asked him to go to counseling in the past about several issues. He has always refused to go).

I guess the stuff about asking and answering questions is fixable. I can get into the habit of doing it his way. But I don’t know what to do if he expects me to know he wants me to do something without telling me. It’s strange that he wants me to be direct, yet won’t even tell me what his wants.

Culture does play a role in how we use language. How our family uses language and even the way conversations goes back and forth between two people can be reflected by what we learned in our family or other group setting.

One person’s statement, “Do you want to go?” means “Do you want to go now, would you like to leave now?” While the other person can understand it to be, “Are you interested in going to this event?” Its the implied part of the sentence that is open to interpretation.

Since you understand your husband’s meaning, as you mentioned, you can change your speech to match his understanding.

Can he understand your meaning? Can he adapt to understanding your use of language? Is he willing to try to adapt to your usage?

The “mind reading” part can be part of his “communication” style, too. I would suggest just continuing to tell him, you were not aware of x and had not meant to ignore his idea of x but that you simply had not been aware of it.

I wonder if his suffering with depression can be a part of not communicated his thoughts and still expecting you to know it.

Maybe you two would enjoy a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend. WWME focuses on the couple communicating with each other. It is a very private weekend. Couples attending listen to three other couples and a priest discuss the topics. The attending couples return to the privacy of their own room to discuss the topic with their spouse (never with anyone else). WWME is designed to “make good marriages become great marriages.” We found it a wonderful, romantic weekend to focus just on the two of us.

wwme.org/

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

Dear sdeco,

I don’t share your view that this is a matter of “communication style.”

I think this is a matter of your husband choosing to be abusive, mean, and hurtful towards you.

Yuk. I know that is not a pleasant thought.

But try this test. If this is a communication style of your husband’s, they he would use this same style with everyone, wouldn’t he. Does he communicate in this “style” with his boss at work? With customers at work? Would he communicate in this “style” with a police officer who had pulled him over? Would he speak this way in a courtroom to the judge?

Also I wonder: Did he communicate with you in this “style” when you were dating?

Now, if you should come to see that his is your husband being a jerk and being abusive to you, what do you?

That is something for your to figure out, based on all that you know.

But I will say this: People who PERMIT people to be abusive to them are people who get abused. I would tell him, in a firm voice, that you won’t put up with him speaking to you in this manner. Don’t argue about it. Lay down the law, and stick to it.

But what will that lead to? What if he leaves you, divorces you? What if he hits you?

On the other hand, if he sees that you WILL NOT tolerate abusive mind games or verbal power plays, he may just stop, out of fear of losing you.

These will be things you will have to consider.

But, you might just trying having a rule that you won’t be verbally abused, and won’t put up with mind games. No from anyone. You could watch that movie “Erin Brockovich,” which I always think of as an example of a tough but good woman who would not take mistreatment from anyone. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erin_Brockovich_(film But maybe everyone woman can be Erin Brockovich.

Maybe also see the books of Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She also advises wifes to have a combination of firmness along with cooperativeness, supportiveness and sweetness. I think Dr. Laura has a radio show on some satellite network. She chews out women who are too wimpy.

God bless. God luck.

 

[EasterJoy]

The problem is, he thinks his communication style is the “correct” one. He is not willing to try to “solve the problem.” He thinks only I should change. (I have asked him to go to counseling in the past about several issues. He has always refused to go).

I guess the stuff about asking and answering questions is fixable. I can get into the habit of doing it his way. But I don’t know what to do if he expects me to know he wants me to do something without telling me. It’s strange that he wants me to be direct, yet won’t even tell me what his wants.

Agapewolf, he is an ISTJ and I’m either INFP or INFJ (can’t decide).

If you can keep this as civil as you might expect for a Québécoise visiting Paris, I think you can manage it. Do your best imitation at Parisian French, and if everyone gets fed and has a place to sleep at night, try to let the rest go. You will never become a Parisian to the satisfaction of those who pride themselves on that, though, so don’t try!

When it comes to expectations, however, that takes two. He can expect you to read his mind all day, you can tell him, but if he doesn’t speak up when he feels cold then he can expect that the heat dial isn’t changing unless he changes it himself. A Parisian will have trials in this life, and that one is destined to be his. Then let him cope with that. If you aren’t willing to let him go ahead an be mad at you without getting sucked into his drama, then he’ll keep using getting mad at you as a way to control you. We’re all like that…even toddlers try to pull that one. If he keeps doing the same thing, gets a clear explanation of what is flawed with his expectations concerning cause and effect, and yet expects different results when he persists in the fruitless behavior, it is he who is crazy, not you. Oh, well. We all have that side to us.

 

[gmarie21]

Don’t mean to sound weird, but has he tried eliminating some of the foods that are known to cause “brain fog” like gluten, casein, and other possible “allergen” foods? Has he been tested for food intolerances or to see where his nutrient levels are at? When I took my son off of gluten within a few days he was a completely different child, I mean, night and day difference. He went from rarely saying a word to not only talking, but asking questions in full sentences, he could finally communicate. I know for adults it takes longer to see results but they have been seen in many.

 

[EasterJoy]

Easterjoy, he has clinical depression and has been on antidepressants since he was 17. He sees a psychiatrist about once a month. We have been married almost ten years and he has pretty much always been like this. It does seem like it has been happening less frequently since his dose of antidepressants has been higher. But it still happens.

That is actually something of a relief to hear, because the instances I am familiar with were head scratching caused by new behavior, and in those cases the cause turned out to be either a stroke or a brain tumor. Sudden declines in mental functioning always scare me, for that reason, until a cause is identified.

Clinical depression makes it difficult to keep a civil tongue, but it doesn’t make it impossible. While it is good that you reasonably expect that his depression will make slip-ups more common than if his brain chemicals weren’t working against him, it is also good for you to stick with the conviction that he doesn’t have carte blanche to be nasty just because he’s depressed.

He is also capable of understanding which side his bread is buttered on, even if he doesn’t always like it. So do not feel guilty about insisting on a balance between give and take that allows you to keep your own sense of sanity and dignity as a person. That’s not too much to ask.

PS Just as a general point, though, it is good not to chalk up a new behavior to an old problem without medical confirmation. Depression, for instance, does not lower your risk of stroke or brain tumors. Having a nasty disposition doesn’t mean you can’t lose your hearing. We have to be careful to ask the questions that new symptoms ought to raise, whether or not we can think of a reason that has been the solution to past questions. This kind of thinking keeps a lot of old people from getting help for problems that have good treatments…that is, because their family thinks, “ah, they’re getting old, they’re going to go into decline, that’s normal.” Sometimes, but not always.

 

[peacoat]

The first part he seems out of line,

The second…about answering your own question…I really understand his point of view. My mom is the family cook for the most part. She always planned meals ahead of time. When we had an “anything” night or a night we went out she’d do the same thing. “What would you like for dinner?” What about Tokyo Joes?"

I used to do the same things to my friends at college. Eventually (and ironically about the same time) my mom and I both got the wrath of people who were sick of answering a question with an answer before they got a chance to respond.

Sometimes things build up. I also agree with the others…please have him get allergy tested and a full work up to see if something else is going on.