Husband has bizarre communication style and expects me to read his mind

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Sorry if I repeat what anyone says as I have not read all the responses.

If your husband has mental illness then there is really not a lot you can do about weird communication which has deeper roots. However you can experiment with different responses. Deflect things that make no sense rather than making a big deal out of them since that will get you nowhere anyway. I say this because I live with/take care of my Mom with Alzheimer’s and once I realized I was not going to get a sane conversation out of her or get her to follow even a most simple line of reasoning, I took different tacks which are recommended. It seemed like lying at first but with dementia you don’t try to change their minds, you only frustrate them, and even if you do succeed in getting them to accept some reality will only forget it in a few minutes anyway. So just being agreeable is best. The goal is for her to have a pleasant existence and arguing isn’t pleasant for any of us.

So in a different way you could also aim for more pleasant conversation. He might be goading you (it certainly sounds like it, so go with what it sounds like), and he may well be motivated by your confusion or efforts to “understand” (when he wasn’t trying to make real sense in the first place!). Its not nice of him, but then, if this is the case, its probably connected to his disorder, which you probably aren’t going to fix! (If you do, market it and you will be rich!).

So a reasonable goal is to not make it so rewarding for him. Change your reaction. * Don’t *act upset or bothered, even if you are - especially if you are. (Because your hurt and confusion very likely motivates him to continue. Horrible? Yes, or just plain adolescent-like - any attention is good!).

So instead, be bored, blank or confused. Practice your acting skills! And ask blandly, with mild curiosity, “Why would you ask that?” when he is inappropriate. Then don’t really respond to his subsequent inappropriate answer. When he presses issues just remain looking bland and blank and say, “Hmm, I don’t understand what you just said,” in a voice that says you aren’t really bothered at all about not-understanding. If he persists in explaining nonsense just act blandly confused again. You can give him a bored, “Oh, okay” also. And that will be the biggest treat he can get for this line of talk! Starve him.

Then give him plenty of friendly attention when he is appropriate. Really. I work with kids who need behavioral help and ignoring inappropriateness is a powerful tool, especially when added to pleasant friendliness for appropriate behavior. Its a great way to help him stop that nonsense. Appropriate conversation does not have to be the least bit exciting, but if its at all appropriate and has no sarcasm or controlling or nonsense in it, be very bright and cheerful and attentive. As soon as he gets ugly, turn off like you have narcolepsy and just suddenly dropped off.

Whatever you do, don’t look hurt when he is sarcastic. Just look blank. Say, “What?” or “Huh?” or “Why would you say that?” You will help him repeat that sin less.

I always remember a study years back in Psychology Today magazine. Students decided to see if they could control their history professor, so whenever he said anything personal or off-topic at all they all perked up and got extremely bright-eyed and interested. When he was on-topic on history, they immediately looked bored, dazed, snoozed or looked about the room or out the window - anywhere but at him. It took very little time to get him entirely off topic!

So there is power in attentiveness - an inattentiveness. Its a free tool at your disposal.
 
sdeco said:
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Agapewolf, he is an ISTJ and I’m either INFP or INFJ (can’t decide).
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I just have to respond to this, being a fan of Socionics and its excellent personality/relationship research.

If you are both the same letters in letters in Socionics (most people test out the same personality in Briggs-Meyers and Socionics, but some do not) then your types make two different possible types of relationships (of the 16 types of relationships), depending on what you actually are, sdeco.

So, assuming he is ISTJ , if you are INFP then that makes you two an Activity relationship, which is a really a very favorable one. (So your problems probably stem primarily from his psychological disorder). But maybe you INFJ, meaning you have a Super-Ego relationship with your hubby, and thats another very favorable relationship type, but with a few more conflicts than Activity.
Here is a brief description of Activity relations: socionics.com/rel/act.htm
Here is a brief description of Super-Ego relations: socionics.com/rel/ego.htm

[Just an interesting side-note: Not all couples who are opposite on T-F and S-N are at odds. Duals are the most ideal, peaceful, happy relationship and they are opposite on those, as well as I-E. One of the worst relationship is opposite on these, though, the Conflictors, which are opposite on every category.]

Well I could get carried away writing on it and I must get to bed so I am not grumpy with my behaviorally challenged students tomorrow!

But I want to say that the website I quoted above is interesting and informative but I find their personality type descriptions a little cartoonish. This website:socionics.com/rel/ego.htm has great articles both on the personality types - quite accurate, I have found, so you should be able to read both of your possible types and then know which one - and also on the relationship types, including some blurbs on how to get along with your partner even in difficult relationships like, for example, Conflictor relations. (I just came back and added that below! In the red and blue.) One that 16types page, Look at the left column, the links in blue under “Categories”. There is also a 3-letter name for the types in Socionics, so, for example, find ISTJ under “LSI - ISTJ”. (I recommend the articles, but not the forum, really. A lot of longtime members write about anything *but *Socionics, and not a lot of that is edifying!)

P.S. Just to throw in another possibility, if you are in fact an ISFP (meaning you would not likely find all this Socionics types-stuff all that interesting, but you do make an excellent wife and Mom) than you would be in a Benefit Relation with ISTJ, a bit less ideal than the others and the ISTJ would not be too great at understanding/appreciating the ISFP, but there are recommendations for getting along for this relationship type, too). So if INFP and INFJ don’t sound quite like you in the16types articles, try and see if ISFP fits you.
P.P.S. FYI: Advice for getting along!

If you are Activity Relations:

Activity partners awaken a lot of emotional energy in each other which requires an outlet. The stronger the activation, the more people get involved in the sphere of activities of this pair. Partners should strive to explain to each other the motives and reasoning of their actions, otherwise there will be misunderstandings and reproaches. In this pair one partner typically assumes a caretaker role and demands emphasized positive attention and special benefits from the other.

Partners should strive to spend some time alone, away from each other, as too much activation will exhaust them emotionally potentially leading to nervous breakdown. Remember that due to strong activation effect both of you may over-dramatize problems in your relations and make hasty decisions. In communication it is better to not touch upon serious topics. These relations are most stable when interaction is light and pleasant. Frequently invite people over to your house, go out visit cafes, attend various local events. Allocate more of your time on taking care of household duties, taking care of children, organizing holidays and vacations, and so on.

If you are Super-Ego Relations:

These relations will require from you flexibility and diplomacy. If one partner attains some benefits the other reacts strongly and dramatically to the inequality. Do not attempt to gain something for yourself at the expense of another: this will surely lead to a quarrel. Try to establish mutually beneficial exchanges.

Learn to feel for each other in order to not unintentionally hurt your partner. It is not recommended to use logic to try to understand the causes of changes in behavior of your partner. More often switch from one type of activity to another. Do this by mutual wishes, without any prior plans.

Expand your circle of acquaintances, especially from other cities and distant regions. If you feel that relations are becoming worse, focus on partner’s better qualities, pay him or her some compliments. Combine your efforts together against external hostile forces.

Keep in mind that two of these relations both people cannot be simultaneously active. Constantly alternate who will expand the energy. Do not engage in philosophizing and theorizing. Whenever small differences arise smooth them over with compromises.
 
I’m a lawyer and linguist, so I focus more on the interpretation of words and sentences, and making negotiation effective, rather than on proper psychological analysis.
sdeco said:
I need advice about my husband. It seems like he expects me to read his mind. An example is something that happened this past weekend. We were going somewhere and my husband was driving, and he got somewhat upset because it was cold and I didn’t turn on the heat. (It’s a relatively new car and I’m the one who usually drives it. He wasn’t quite sure how to turn on the heat.) The reason I didn’t turn on the heat is because I wasn’t feeling cold! I told him if he was cold and wanted me to turn on the heat, he could have just asked me to do it. He said he feels like he “shouldn’t have to ask me” to turn on the heat. (He will often say certain things are “obvious” or “common sense” (to him) ). I don’t know how I was supposed to know he was cold if he didn’t tell me!
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For some people, an important part of the relationship, or of their dream love interest, is not really mind-reading but the ability to more or less know what’s on their mind and keep in touch with their needs. A love interest who does not connect with them like that seems to be missing a desired quality for them. We’d normally call those people high maintenance people.

On the other hand, some people have this type of bias where whatever they have on their mind is “obvious”, “logical”, “expectable” etc. In some cases it also seems that theirs is the only right way of communicating (either putting things in words or interpreting what others say). I’ve got a case of that in my family and I understand how distressed you must feel about. I sometimes simply tell him it’s only obvious to him and that if he wants something from me, he’s got to use enough words and build a clear sentence without make it a riddle for me (and when he says thinking doesn’t hurt, I tell him to think more about his wording in that case). Like with nagging, I suppose the best solution is to set clear limits and let them know that this type of light-weight bullying is not acceptable, and will not be accepted. I also make it painfully clear to him that somebody’s failure to understand his abbreviated, minimal information messages, is not a sign of low IQ when he’s dealing with an overall intelligent person who just can’t guess his mind.

I do think your husband is being irrational in a different sense when it comes to the heat in the car, though. Both you and he are in the same position when it comes to being seated in the car and feeling the temperature in it. If you feel the cold yourself, you feel the need to turn up the heating. If you don’t feel it, you don’t. You’re essentially both in the same position and there is nothing really to make you actively check on him, which just might be what he secretely wants you to be doing. IMHO you did the right thing in telling him to just say when he feels cold. You’re the princess, not he.
He also seems to interpret things very literally. That’s the only way I can think of to describe his communication style. For example, if we are going somewhere and it’s getting close to the time when I think we should leave, I’ll say “do you want to go?” This means “are you ready to leave right now?” But he interprets it as “do you want to go, period,” as if we hadn’t already decided we were going to go somewhere. He’ll sometimes sarcastically respond “no, I don’t want to go.”
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Oh yeah, reminds me of someone. Tell him the sarcasm is not helping things (it’s not productive, it doesn’t solve the problem, it doesn’t benefit him in any way to act like that, the only thing it does is make you feel worse). On the other hand, in your example, you could add “now”: “do you want to go now?”, you’d sound clearer. If he still interprets that as, “do you want to go at all?”, then just whack him on the head with a grammar book as he has no excuse.
Also, sometimes he’ll ask me something like “what do you want for dinner?” and I’ll say “do you want tacos?” and he’ll say “why do you answer a question with a question?” WHAT?!?! “Do you want tacos?” means the same thing as “how about tacos?” or “I’d like to have tacos, what about you?” I feel like saying “let’s have tacos!” would be too forward, like I’m only thinking of my own preferences and not caring what he wants. I am someone who almost always does not have strong preferences about such trivial things as what to have for dinner. I just want food! If he has a strong preference about something like that, I’m perfectly happy to do what he wants.
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He’s being a jerk about it, but in response to “what do you want for dinner?”, “do you want tacos?” does feel like you’re putting the ball back in his court. As in, he asks you what you want, then you ask him what he wants. That feels different from justing asking “how about tacos?”, and indeed sounds a little odd. He would need to do a little mind-reading on you to figure out that the two replies mean the same to you.

Except they don’t really because a while later you say you’re okay with whatever he wants and that’s actually the real thing you’re trying to say. So either ask him, “how about tacos?” or tell him you’re okay with whatever he wants (or just want him to choose).
There are also many times when he will think something we’re deciding on has been settled, and I think it’s still up in the air.
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Perhaps teach him to ask when he isn’t sure whether you’ve just settled the matter or simply mentioned a tentative solution. On the other hand, try to be a little clearer yourself when you’re giving mere examples or suggestions.
 
I find his communication style completely bizarre. Does anyone else have this communication style, or know someone who communicates like this? I am at a loss. Thanks.
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Like I said, I have a family member with whom communication is complicated like that. When he starts his antics, I don’t let him. I mean, if it’s just a meaningless comment or a poor joke, I let it slide, but if it looks like the beginning of a longer session, I make it clear to him I’m not in for one and try to use his own logic to reach him (like with that, “thinking doesn’t hurt,” line I mentioned a while ago).

Everybody has a somewhat unique communication style, which is easy on some people but not so on others. In my subjective impression, your husband’s style isn’t completely odd (what strikes me first is that he’s being a jerk about it, which is different from simply meaning or reading things a certain way), while your own style isn’t completely clear to me, either. From my perspective it seems both of you need to make the effort and adapt rather than each of you expecting the other to adapt, which I think is being the case.

So, to sum up, my opinion is that both of you need to make the effort to adapt, question the assumption that your way of speaking or understanding is correct and the other’s is not, he needs to stop being a sarcastic jerk about it, while you could use a little bit more clarity (since the taco example shows you used a bit of a mental shortcut too that was understandable to you but not to him–it’s a bit like trying to use a different student’s notes to study, it won’t always work). Now as for the heat in the car, he needs to quit being a drama queen about it. Remember you’re the princess, not he.

[Edit: Never mind, deleted the last part.]
 
Could he be an Aspie? (Aspergers) I have a friend whose son has aspergers. He takes things very literally. He just does not get it. He doesn’t get most social clues either. He is a very sweet guy. He is very smart, too. It is just that reading some of what you posted reminded me of this person.
 
johnnyjones said:
I think I understand what you wrote. A woman wants more ideas to work with. The dilemma lies in two types of brains, and not necessarily male or female brains, but the brain of a person who is thinking ahead (seeing things without words) and the person who relies on words to send the point home. I feel this is the OPs problem.

The aforementioned sidetracks the issue you bring up though. I can see why a person would want ideas to work with and I can see why a person could get confused by them. The example you give is based in mundane events. The everyday cook wants (name removed by moderator)ut, not “whatever”. But I still maintain that if you bring up ideas (i.e. tacos) for dinner, your being suggestive and many will respond accordingly. Me, being one of those people. My view is that much of the reaction to this thread is jumping the gun. Right away “abuse” is tossed out there and medical conditions are the excuse. Where i think the OPs husband is wrong is with his low tolerance for his wifes style of communicating.

What he perceives one way she simply does not which gives the appearance of some kind of abberation. In fact this type of miscommunication is quite common.
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The main thing is to learn to ask yourself, “Do they mean the same thing when they say that as* I* would mean if* I *said that?” Many times, even between two women or two men, but especially between a man and a woman, the answer is “no.” Sometimes, too, the solution is something that would be harsh if someone did it to you, but totally OK for them…which is why they are so bewildered when they treat you that way and you react with hurt! This is why communication is a good thing, and why communication can take some imagination and a sense of humor. Wrong guesses must be tolerated while you’re talking these things out!

It’s kind of like the quip that the British and the Americans are two peoples separated by a common language. There has to be some cultural awareness and cultural sensitivity between people with different styles. Ideally, there is no “hey, you’re not in London anymore, and we don’t care how you do it there.” Yes, in some relationships, one person is doing the lion’s share of the “diplomacy”, but you can’t have one person on pins and needles. That does not work in the long run, either. Then you’re going over from cultural awareness into tyranny.
 
EasterJoy said:
The main thing is to learn to ask yourself, “Do they mean the same thing when they say that as* I* would mean if* I *said that?” Many times, even between two women or two men, but especially between a man and a woman, the answer is “no.” Sometimes, too, the solution is something that would be harsh if someone did it to you, but totally OK for them…which is why they are so bewildered when they treat you that way and you react with hurt! This is why communication is a good thing, and why communication can take some imagination and a sense of humor. Wrong guesses must be tolerated while you’re talking these things out!

It’s kind of like the quip that the British and the Americans are two peoples separated by a common language. There has to be some cultural awareness and cultural sensitivity between people with different styles. Ideally, there is no “hey, you’re not in London anymore, and we don’t care how you do it there.” Yes, in some relationships, one person is doing the lion’s share of the “diplomacy”, but you can’t have one person on pins and needles. That does not work in the long run, either. Then you’re going over from cultural awareness into tyranny.
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Unfortunately most people do not communicate in a formal way. Diving into English here, using prescriptive grammar as opposed to descriptive grammar might make things clearer but we speak in the vernacular more often. Loose ways of phrasing slide off our lips and it is generally accepted to be understood, but we have broken down communication by being too loose. The OPs problem is not just her husbands.

Amazingly this thread is still going on with suggestions of mental illness and other maladies.
 
Sorry i didn’t read any replies, i hope i won’t repeat with someone else.

I had worse communication but the only thing that save us and still do, is prayer. Pray the rosary and ask Mother Mary and St-Joseph to help you. Ask this Holy family to be your guide.

I picked one thing about your post that if your husband is open, i would pray before and ask for the Holy spirit to be present and without question Mother Mary and St-Joseph, then i would speak from my heart to your husband. Keep the conversation simple. Such, sweet heart, what would be best for me to ask you or say if i feel it is time to go home? Perhaps, he will say that he would like a direct question instead such as “It is getting time to go, do you think you could be ready soon and we could go home?” Let him know how you feel about him having high expectation to foresee his needs. Typically a women is very intuitive and she will think of the needs of her family in advance. I know i am like this. Maybe your husband is use to his mother thinking ahead of his needs and somehow, he thinks all women are like this. Explain him, that you care about him very much but you don’t have the ability to do this and it would be very important for him to put words to his needs and say what he wants.

As for having an attitude when you try to prepare diner, i feel that it is totally inappropriate to behave this way from his part, this needs to be address. You must pray FIRST. Sometime, when people has their heart shut down or have a lot of pride, you aren’t dealing much with a human being but something else. Mother Mary is amazing and please don’t forget to pray St-Joseph to help your husband to be a good husband.
I wish you all the best and i pray for you and your husband! I couldn’t never reason with my husband, as i said, it used to be far worst then what you describe and now, i am without a doubt a believer that prayer can do absolute everything when God will it.

Does he practice the Catholic faith, if not, you may want to encourage him to do so. A marriage cans become vulnerable if it detach from the Holy Sacrement.
 
Pray!
sdeco said:
He said he feels like he “shouldn’t have to ask me” to turn on the heat. (He will often say certain things are “obvious” or “common sense” (to him) ). I don’t know how I was supposed to know he was cold if he didn’t tell me!
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You are completely correct. It is absurd for someone to expect another to guess things like this. Make it clear that you are not at fault and do not let him chastise you for this – it is not your job to read his mind, and do not apologize for not doing so.
He’ll sometimes sarcastically respond “no, I don’t want to go.”
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Sarcasm is not okay when used to belittle someone else!
I feel like saying “let’s have tacos!” would be too forward, like I’m only thinking of my own preferences and not caring what he wants.
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I would not make a big deal out of it, but I understand where your husband is coming from. Given that you know he is literal-minded, why do you think would he ask you what you wanted unless he wanted a straight answer? I would much rather just know. I hate it when people I am with ask me whether I am hungry, or whether I need to use the restroom, etc. when in fact it is they who are hungry and need to pee. Just tell me and save everyone time!
I am someone who almost always does not have strong preferences about such trivial things as what to have for dinner. I just want food! If he has a strong preference about something like that, I’m perfectly happy to do what he wants.
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Tell him that.
I find his communication style completely bizarre. Does anyone else have this communication style, or know someone who communicates like this? I am at a loss. Thanks.
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The mind-reading thing is weird. The literal speech is not.
sdeco said:
The problem is, he thinks his communication style is the “correct” one. He is not willing to try to “solve the problem.” He thinks only I should change. (I have asked him to go to counseling in the past about several issues. He has always refused to go).
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Have you made it clear that you feel disrespected and hurt when he speaks to you disrespectfully and hurtfully? Does he know the effects of his communication on you?
 
johnnyjones said:
Unfortunately most people do not communicate in a formal way. Diving into English here, using prescriptive grammar as opposed to descriptive grammar might make things clearer but we speak in the vernacular more often. Loose ways of phrasing slide off our lips and it is generally accepted to be understood, but we have broken down communication by being too loose. The OPs problem is not just her husbands.

Amazingly this thread is still going on with suggestions of mental illness and other maladies.
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Too loose, I guess. I had to read that five times before I had any idea what you were saying! Yes, I would agree that communication problems come when two people try to talk to each other without realizing that their language choices are based on very different unspoken (and probably unexamined) assumptions. IOW, you’re going to have trouble if you have no idea that what you are saying can be taken any way other than the way you meant it!

Still, the OP was describing common idiomatic language that most people understand if English is their mother tongue. To fail to understand that kind of language in adulthood–not just to get the wrong idea momentarily, but to fail to get the concept of the idiom after your mistake is brought to your attention–is a feature of some atypical mental make-ups. I hesitate to call all of those disorders just because they aren’t typical, but identifying that kind of issue is just as useful as realizing that your spouse is color-blind before you try to decorate a home with him. It helps you avoid beating your head against immovable walls.
 
Cathh(name removed by moderator) said:
Could he be an Aspie? (Aspergers) I have a friend whose son has aspergers. He takes things very literally. He just does not get it. He doesn’t get most social clues either. He is a very sweet guy. He is very smart, too. It is just that reading some of what you posted reminded me of this person.
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I was thinking the same thing…
 
Baelor said:
I would not make a big deal out of it, but I understand where your husband is coming from. Given that you know he is literal-minded, why do you think would he ask you what you wanted unless he wanted a straight answer? I would much rather just know. I hate it when people I am with ask me whether I am hungry, or whether I need to use the restroom, etc. when in fact it is they who are hungry and need to pee. Just tell me and save everyone time!
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I imagine somewhere out there is a forum with a man posting this:
I just don’t understand my wife. We have been married for 10 years and she still doesn’t get me. I try my best, but I just don’t understand the flowery, beat about the bush, language she uses. To me it just seems like a waste of time.
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I’ll ask her what she wants for dinner. Instead of telling me, she will ask me what I think of whatever it is she wants. “How about tacos?” For crying out loud, I asked what she wanted. If I didn’t want to know, why would I ask?
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Or when we are planning on going somewhere. She will ask me “Do you want to go?” Heck, I already told her I would go. Just tell me it is time to leave.
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How do you guys deal with this?
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I wonder how many people would ask if she had a medical condition or a mental illness?
 
maryjk said:
I imagine somewhere out there is a forum with a man posting this:

I wonder how many people would ask if she had a medical condition or a mental illness?
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Um, no, I’d still point out that his wife’s communication style is within the typical range and his response is a bit into the range of atypical. This isn’t a matter of who’s reporting. It is simply a little odd to get all wound up because someone says “do you want to go?” instead of “do you want to go now?” That is more literal than is typical, even for a guy. I’d be surprised if he hasn’t run into the same problem with many people other than his wife.

That’s not to say that when you ask someone what they want and they say, “would you like tacos?” that you can’t reply, “no, I’m asking what you want, not what I want.” I’m not saying that at all. It’s just to say that answering the first question by posing the second question isn’t anything odd. It wouldn’t be atypical at all to not care for that way of responding. It would be atypical to not recognize it as a typical sort of reply.
 
Trust me, he doesn’t have Asperger’s. It always annoys me how people always jump to conclusions on the internet - every socially awkward or literal person has Asperger’s, every jerk has Narcissistic personality disorder, every person with sexual problems was abused, etc.

Anyway, I don’t think the communication stuff is necessarily a sign of a mental illness, since a lot of people here seem to have the same style. However, I think his irritability about it is linked to his depression.

It seems like this thread is devolving into an argument about which communication style is “better.” Neither is better. It’s just the way people are.

I think the bigger problem is how I am willing to be accommodating to his style but he is not willing to be accommodating to mine.

The Real Juliane had good advice on how to deal with the mind-reading stuff - thanks.

I do want to say that I absolutely agree that people should “say what they mean and mean what they say.” I would never, for example, drop hints about something I wanted my husband to do and then get mad if he didn’t do it. That’s a terrible thing to do. You have to understand, I’m not doing this on purpose. To me, there is no difference at all between “do you want to go” and “do you want to go NOW.” It never occurred to me that someone could interpret that sentence so literally. I AM being direct, for me. I understand - now - that some people interpret it differently, but you have to understand that I had no idea it could be interpreted that way until it was pointed out to me.
 
Also, our genders have nothing to do with it whatsoever. It irks me to no end when people say “all (or most) women are like this, all (or most) men are like that.” I am not a radical feminist and I do think there are real differences between men and women, but there are also a LOT of stereotypes.
 
sdeco said:
Also, our genders have nothing to do with it whatsoever. It irks me to no end when people say “all (or most) women are like this, all (or most) men are like that.” I am not a radical feminist and I do think there are real differences between men and women, but there are also a LOT of stereotypes.
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There is a reason for that, though. If you don’t believe me, tell me the last time you saw two men decide to make a trip to the bathroom together. 😃
 
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