Husband is away, but I don't miss him

[turboEDvo]

Island Oak:

p.s. ANY man who, upon returning home after being away for days, knowing you were alone with 6 kids, (and you loaded them all up and went to the airport to pick him up–are there no cabs where you live?!) demands dinner and a nap should be left on the curb to find another way home–and that would be letting him off easy!!!

Yep, I would have to agree…and I’m a guy

Eamon

 

[turboEDvo]

Rob's Wife:

Island Oak:

No one mentioned “horrible” or “ogre.” I simply suggested you sound overwhelmed and it concerns me that you seem so isolated (or obstinate) that you can’t imagine finding any

help.
That is certainly true, no one used those words except for me, I was overwhelmed and I’ve always been obstinate - but I do have help in the form of a very loving dh.
In our neighborhood there were several large families … **…**I can’t imagine what parenting babies/little kids would have been like without the love and support of such generous women who were all in the same boat.

All I can say is you do not live in my neighborhood and I wish I lived in the neighborhood you mention. It would indeed be nice to live in such a utopia. (Truely, no sarcasm intended.)
I applaud your resolve and positive disposition, but I’ve also seen a meltdown or two and I’m talking about moms here, not toddlers–thus the Betty Ford Clinic reference.
Maybe you mean breakdown then??
And of course your kids are interruptions–who do you think you’re fooling!!! I remember barely being able to string together a coherent thought–much less get to the bathroom, through a meal, a shower, mass, conversation with my husband…
**I’m not trying to fool anyone, just saying how I feel about my kids. **
But no one is suggesting you can’t handle your kids–just that a healthy break can keep you saner, longer.
I agree a moment to breathe is healthy - that’s what nights and early mornings are for around here. And your post did come off as a little condesending.

**I think what bothered me most about your post was the assumption that every woman out there can either hire someone or has a list of neighbor friends waiting to help out at any given moment. This is usually not the case. Family moves away. Friends work and have other obligations. Money is extremely limited for many, if not most. Don’t get me wrong! We eat good and live decent. But on a tight budget. We have friends. But not waiting on stand-by to come over asap as needed. **

**Now, if I called one of my friends and said “OMG! dh was in a wreck!” - they’d meet me at the hospital with a priest in tow no question. But if I called and said “Good Grief! The kids have some weird rash thing going!” They offered their sympathy, made me laugh, and said they’ll see me at the park next week - sans rash! **

We get out (although we take the kids with us). We have friends (who don’t mind the presence of children). We talk and love each other very much. But… well… cp happens. We laugh about it afterward and move on. We do not think we need to call in “help” every time we’re having a rough day. Years will go by before we know it and the kids will grow up and we’ll be wondering how it all went by so fast and complaining about how quiet the house has become.**QUOTE]

I don’t have any hard feelings against you, Island oak. I just think you’re having a hard time comprehending my life. Thank you for the concern though, I can only assume it comes from a good intended heart.

(please excuse the type-o’s - nursing baby likes to kick in a point or 2)

WOW! :bowdown: They tell me there is some class where one can learn all this. Where is it

Eamon

 

[TZiggy]

RobsWife:

I’m a “DH” out of town, sitting in a hotel room and reading CA Forum.
I laughed so hard at your thread I almost wet my pants (except I have a bathroom all to myself right now).

I called “DW” and read the description of your latest ordeal. It made her day (much to rival your story) seem insanely normal.

I love your spirit and I don’t even know you!

By the way, what’s for dinner?

Changing the world one diaper at a time!
TZiggy

 

[StephanieC]

ShannonE:

WOW.
I was reading this thread more to receive help than offer it…as I am in a similar situation.
Thank you so much for this reply - it really lifted me up.

~Shannon

Thanks, Shannon. And by telling me that, you lifted me up in return!

Rob’sWife, I’ll also step forward & be counted as someone who read your first post aloud to her husband Not only does is sound like it was an amazing day, I think you also have a true gift for telling a story.

This has been an interesting thread to follow. It’s gone off in different directions than I would have predicted, but I think there’s an underlying current of support & goodwill. I hope it’s helped the orginal poster.

My husband works back to back 12 hour night shifts. I was really starting to resent them. I used to tearfully complain to him, “Those 4 days are a really long stretch for me! I feel like a single mother!” (no offense intended to single moms out there). And then…I don’t know…everything changed.

He was having a rough time at work, and I was worried about him. So I started praying more for him. I mean really praying. Not my typical rote prayers. I would also sit down and pray the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary as soon as he left the house for work, and dedicate each decade to a specific concern of his. Totally focused on my husband and his needs & peace of mind.

The amazing thing is, as quickly as things improved at work for him, my attitude also improved, even though I hadn’t prayed for myself. It improved not just toward his absence, but towards my role as wife & mother in general. Praise God, I think I might have begun to grasp a tiny iota of the concept of “dying to self” that is our task in marriage. In fact, now when I pray the 5th sorrowful mystery: Christ dies on the cross, I pray it for the intention of our marriage, that both of us willingly die to self in order to be reborn to each other in Christ.

My intent is not to post, “See how wonderful we are” but rather, “Look what God can do, even when you have but a mustard seed of faith.” God bless all of you married people tonight.

 

[Island_Oak]

Rob's Wife:

Island Oak:

All I can say is you do not

live in my neighborhood and I wish I lived in the neighborhood you mention. It would indeed be nice to live in such a utopia. (Truely, no sarcasm intended.)
And your post did come off as a little condesending.
**I think what bothered me most about your post was the assumption that every woman out there can either hire someone or has a list of neighbor friends waiting to help out at any given moment. This is usually not the case. Family moves away. Friends work and have other obligations. Money is extremely limited for many, if not most. Don’t get me wrong! We eat good and live decent. But on a tight budget. We have friends. But not waiting on stand-by to come over asap as needed. **

I don’t have any hard feelings against you, Island oak. I just think you’re having a hard time comprehending my life. Thank you for the concern though, I can only assume it comes from a good intended heart.

It appears I’ve done it again–sticking my big foot in my mouth most unintentionally. You would not be the first person I have offended on these forums with my blunt questions or comments–I’m hoping one day to be able to point at the last–it’s one of my biggest flaws!

Bless you, doll, for being so patient with me. I think you sum it up best when you said I don’t comprehend your life. So true. My three kids–who I dearly love–have at times driven me to distraction. I can hardly imagine being responsible for 6. Just as there are those who are hard-wired for math, the arts, music, etc…there are some who are natural born nurturers and those who are not, shall we say, so gifted. I would fall into the latter category…at least as it relates to toddlers and little kids. I’m doing much better and genuinely having a ball now that they’re slighly more socialized than chimpanzees in the zoo!!

And you are right–I was uniquely blessed by the friends who found me and made me one of their own in my old neighborhood. It was a utopia. I arrived knowing no one and without any local family. They saved me more times than I can count during the years my husband was in grad school and travelling so much. We shared so many laughs, tears and prayers for and with each other–I have no doubt the whole thing was orchestrated by my guardian angel!! Having moved away 8 months ago because of my husband’s job I am still lost without the friends I left behind.

And I meant no disrespect about getting help. I didn’t assume you couldn’t afford it–just suggested things I’ve done or received that didn’t involve hiring anyone. It’s no secret that many young families are financially stretched. I’ve never been without help with my kids and perhaps unfairly assumed this was essential, instead of an option someone else might not choose.

Best wishes…I may never quite have your outlook, but will certainly try to refrain from trampling on your efforts and feelings in the future.

 

[Island_Oak]

For the OP…there were years my husband commuted 5 days a week to the west coast from the mid-west. I have to secretly admit one of my favorite things to do after he left for the airport on Sun nights, after the kids were in bed, was to spread out on our king size bed all by myself…with the NY Times Sunday paper…and read as late into the night as I wanted without bothering anyone!!!

Of course…now that we’re in the same zip code again…I occasionally miss some solitude, but the time together as a family is worth a year of Sunday nights in bed alone!!

 

[Black_Jaque]

Rob’s Wife,

I got a chuckle out of your story.

Perhaps your story would be funnier if you made clear that this just reflected one of those occasional bad weeks. I know families in which this type of tragedy goes on daily.

Husband’s expect to take their armor off when they come home. They don’t want to leave it on, it’s heavy.

Husbands can understand an occasional bad day. But when your story describes MOST days - there’s a problem, better fix it.

I know of one couple where the wife had a part time job which was about ideal since it was only for about 5 hours in the evening, once or twice a week. The husband had a day-job so they had no need for daycare, he watched the kids while she worked.

One day, my buddy must have had a particularly exhausting day at work, or a project at home that he wanted to work on, or something. So, he hired their regular babysitter, a neighbor, to watch the kids while he worked on whatever. He enjoyed himself, the babysitter liked the kids, and the kids had fun. And it cost, whatever, a few bucks?

He told me his wife blew a gasket when she found out what he did. I suspect she was expecting him to be “experiencing” her misery while she got to go to work. Instead of coming home to a ragged out husband who was Oh-so-appreciative of what she goes through day in and day out, the guy was in fine spirits, and the kids were fine too. Keep in mind that though he watched the kids every time his wife worked, he made it clear that this baby sitter idea was tried only once.

Sometimes I think women wear their misery on their shirt sleaves. And somehow the more miserable their roles are the better they sound to themselves. I think someone did a poll here once and found that most men would rather come home to peanut butter and jelly and a relaxed and loving wife, than a 5-course meal and an exhausted, ornery wife.

So if the tale of woe is too common, better fix it, but if it’s just one of those occasional rotten weeks - that’s understandable, and laughter is actually the right Rx.