Husband is Unhappy

[whitetulips]

My husband and I have been married for about six months, and long story short he’s been very focused on the house we’re closing on in a month and senses that I’m not as excited about it. I told him I’ll be as excited about if our house stops coming before our prayer and our marriage (as it seems like it is to me). The house means a lot to him because he didn’t have a good family life growing up and didn’t have much of a place to live, some winters didn’t have heat, etc. I know it means a lot to him. We talked more tonight about it and he said that he hasn’t been happy lately in life. He said it’s not our marriage, but his job and the fact that he doesn’t have friends where we live. (We live near my family but he hasn’t made friends here yet.) He’s been looking for other jobs but hasn’t found one yet. As far as his friends, I ask him if he wants to go visit but he thinks that’ll be too hard emotionally, but he doesn’t really want to make new friends, he says he just wants his old ones. Since he didn’t have a good family life growing up his friends are like his family.
He says he hopes moving into the house will take him out of this rut, and he sees it as something we should be excited about together and something that will be a big part of our future together and starting a family. The house is important and I agree but I want us to be prioritizing our prayer and our marriage. I brought up specific ways I think we could improve those, and he pretty much agreed to them. If moving takes him out of this rut that’s great, but I think it might end up being the next exciting thing and then he’ll be unhappy until the next thing comes along.

Why I’m writing though is to get advice on how to love my husband when he’s unhappy in life but he says it’s not our marriage that’s making him unhappy. I know I can’t be the be all end all for his happiness, but how do I love him through it? I’d say this has been two our three months, and before that he was battling anxiety and depression. He says he’s not now, but he just feels “blah.” This is also affecting our sex life, we’ve only had sex once in the last three months and we’re newlyweds and want to start a family.
I brought up counseling but he’s tried it and it didn’t do much for him so he doesn’t want to. I think I might need to go to counseling to learn how to love him through it but have healthy boundaries so I can keep myself spiritually/physically/mentally healthy.
For now any advice would be appreciated.

 

[drac16]

If you don’t make love to him, he’s going to think that you don’t love him. Read the Song of Solomon, for example. It’s part and parcel of a healthy marriage. It probably will not solve everything, but it’s a good place to start. He makes sacrifices for you, so you need to be willing to make sacrifices for him. He needs to feel like he is appreciated.

 

[whitetulips]

I’m the one that’s brought up to him that I think it’d be good to have sex more often.
Also, I’ve been writing notes to him most mornings telling him things I appreciate about him or good times we had the day before. I kiss him, ask him how his day was, tell him I love him, do the dishes for him, grocery shop, etc. I’m trying.

 

[Jen7]

he sees it as something we should be excited about together

One of the best pieces of marriage advise I ever got: your spouse may go along with what you want, but don’t need them to also FEEL a certain way (ex, happy) about it. Just enjoy that things are turning out as you wished. So your husband is excited about the house & you’re kinda of looking forward to the getting-settled-process being over? That’s fine. Ya’ll don’t need to emotionally be on the same page. You’re still moving in the same direction.

Your emotions are your own. Same with your husband. I suggest “Boundaires in Marriage” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. Ya’ll sound kind of emotionally entangled.

 

[drac16]

I’m the one that’s brought up to him that I think it’d be good to have sex more often.
Also, I’ve been writing notes to him most mornings telling him things I appreciate about him or good times we had the day before. I kiss him, ask him how his day was, tell him I love him, do the dishes for him, grocery shop, etc. I’m trying.

OK. that’s good. Keep on doing what you’re doing. Remember to pray for him, too. I will pray for your husband. In the mean time, perhaps you could swing by the ‘Prayer Intentions’ forum and ask others to pray for you. It certainly wouldn’t hurt.

 

[Jen7]

This is also affecting our sex life, we’ve only had sex once in the last three months and we’re newlyweds and want to start a family.

Are you initiating? If you have more energy and optimism right now, it may be worth a try. This said, if you’re husband is an introvert he may honestly just need some space and time to “find a groove” in marriage and moving, etc. Maybe try to give him some space to sort himself out and reassess in six months or so. My husband is more introverted than I am & sometimes good, old-fashioned time takes care of a lot of “issues” I think we “need to talk about.” Have ya’ll taken one of those free Mysers Briggs personality tests? I found those so helpful in identifying how my husband and I think/act differently and how we go through stress differently.

 

[Jen7]

Also, I’ve been writing notes to him most mornings telling him things I appreciate about him or good times we had the day before. I kiss him, ask him how his day was, tell him I love him, do the dishes for him, grocery shop, etc. I’m trying.

Careful not to “baby him.” Sometimes we can shoot ourselves in the foot trying too hard. He’s a grown man.

 

[Retsel]

I’d say this has been two our three months, and before that he was battling anxiety and depression. He says he’s not now, but he just feels “blah.” This is also affecting our sex life, we’ve only had sex once in the last three months and we’re newlyweds…

“Blah,” and no newlywed desire for sex in three months are signs of continuing depression.

Stop blaming yourself and get him to a Doctor.

 

[whitetulips]

He says it’s not depression so he doesn’t think he needs to go to a doctor/counselor.

 

[Retsel]

And you should tell him: We’ve only had sex ONCE in the past three months and you think that’s normal for newlyweds? You’re going!

 

[whitetulips]

He says he’s not in the mood with how he’s been feeling, and then when I bring it up (which has just been twice), he feels pressure which doesn’t help.

 

[whitetulips]

There’s only so much I can do, we’ve talked about counseling for him and he doesn’t want to go.

 

[whitetulips]

I don’t know what to do if I’ve brought it up and he won’t go. He’s experienced depression and anxiety before and he says this isn’t either of those. He says it’s just a rut and that moving into this house and starting this new chapter of life will help get him out of it. Like I said, I think I myself might need counseling to be able to love him through this properly. Again I know I’m not the be all end all for his happiness, but of course I do want him to be happy. And all of this so early on in marriage is so hard, and I cry honestly probably most nights about it. And when people ask, “How’s married life?!” it’s hard to even know what to say because they expect us to be so happy at this stage.

 

[whitetulips]

I think after the initial excitement of the house wears off it’s likely he’ll feel the same too, and want the next exciting thing to make him happy.

 

[Retsel]

“…to be able to love him through this properly.”

There you go again, blaming yourself.

Please read up on depression. There’s literally hundreds if not thousand of articles that have been written on the subject.
Here’s one:

Persuading a Loved One to Seek Mental Health Support

Convincing a loved one to get help for a mental health condition takes compassion and commitment. Here's how to have an effective conversation.

psychcentral.com

(I didn’t have time to read the entire article.)

First Aid:
If if remains obstinate tell him to sleep on the couch.

 

[whitetulips]

Thank you! I don’t mean cure him, I know that’s not my role. I mean love him through it properly but keep myself healthy as well, because I don’t know how to deal with this day in and day out.

 

[Rau]

Like I said, I think I myself might need counseling to be able to love him through this properly.

You said this several times. What does it mean?

I suggest he needs to come to grips with just what “this” is.

 

[Retsel]

I don’t know how to deal with this day in and day out.

Well you’re being told, but you’re just not ready to hear it?

To give you an idea of the severity of your situation. If you had said the same thing about the sex, minus the other issues I would have immediately told you he’s most likely in an affair.

Take action steps now.

Your Guide to Depression: Symptoms, Treatments, and How to Help

Here's everything you might want to know about depression, including diagnosis and symptoms, types, causes, treatments, and how to help someone with depression.

psychcentral.com

 

[whitetulips]

I mean to learn how to not just get frustrated by our marriage being this way already, but be able to love him in what he’s going through and stay healthy myself. Again, by “love him properly” I don’t mean curing him, I know that’s not my role. But I need to learn how to react properly to what’s going on because I don’t really know how.

 

[whitetulips]

One of the steps it said on the first article you sent was to make an appointment anyway and go just myself. I already said I wanted to do that, so I’m not not listening. I appreciate the advice.