Husband is Unhappy

[1ke]

I told him I’ll be as excited about if our house stops coming before our prayer and our marriage (as it seems like it is to me).

What does this mean, exactly?

 

[whitetulips]

First, I’m sorry, I cannot figure out how to use the quote feature haha so it may be confusing who I’m replying to.

To 1ke:
When we talked about getting a house, we were already working on things in our marriage like spending quality time together and quite a few other things. In a nutshell, still getting settled into marriage. Our prayer together (nightly decade of the rosary and once per week Holy Hour together) was getting put on the back burner a lot (we’ve still always been going to Sunday Mass though). We were both missionaries and our faith is very important to both of us, so it’s not like he’s not Catholic or Christian or anything. Our date nights weren’t happening consistently either. So I said I thought the house might be a distraction from these things since they already weren’t consistent. By the house I mean projects, moving, packing, everything that comes with moving into a first house. I knew how much it meant to him so we went ahead with the house. Still, our prayer and date nights together (for date nights we plan to have them once a week) aren’t consistent, but a lot of attention is getting put on this house. So I get frustrated and honestly feel bitter sometimes about this house because I feel like it’s coming before these other things.

 

[1ke]

I think you might need to adjust your expectations of marriage.

Weekly date nights are a nice goal, but sometimes that isn’t realistic. At all.

I would hope you could pray a decade a night before bedtime together, but if not then carve your own prayer time out and invite him to join you, but leave it up to him. Same with holy hour. Maybe you go together, but maybe you each go at your own time.

I’d say I’d they “already weren’t happening consistently” it’s not the house.

But married life isn’t like dating life, so having all these expectations about date night and whatever may be the source of your unhappiness.

Stop putting expectations like these on him and the marriage and bringing up that something must be “wrong” with him. I don’t think that’s helpful.

 

[whitetulips]

I don’t know why we shouldn’t be able to take five minutes a night to pray together and an hour a week at the chapel and then a weekly date night when there’s hours spent in front of the tv/computer/phone every day, so it’s not like there’s not time.

 

[1ke]

Well, of course.

But he’s suffering from depression, so those things may be out of reach right now. It doesn’t matter that he says he isn’t, the evidence clearly says otherwise.

How were you handling his depression and anxiety before you were married?

 

[whitetulips]

He just started having anxiety not too long before we got married.

 

[Lou2U]

He says he hopes moving into the house will take him out of this rut, and he sees it as something we should be excited about together and something that will be a big part of our future together and starting a family.

I think you’re completely right when you say he’s putting all his hopes onto the house to “fix” how he’s feeling, but it won’t work.

But 1ke is right - he’s suffering from depression, so you need to change your expectations of him. He’s isolating himself from everyone - you, his friends - so it may be he isn’t capable of date nights and praying together.

He may find a new obsession after the house, he may not. But the problem with the house is when he gets there and realises it’s not the panacea he thought it would be. Then I think he will be really in trouble.

Would you be able to speak with his friends and his family and ask them for advice? They may be able to persuade him to go to a doctor.

 

[whitetulips]

Lou2U:
Thank you for your reply. He doesn’t have contact with family because he grew up in an abusive household and cut off contact. He does with one family member but he doesn’t tell them much about his life. And as far as his friends go, maybe! He hasn’t kept in touch super consistently with his old friends it sounds like and he hasn’t made new friends here. I think if I bring it up again and say I know you said you don’t think this is depression, and maybe it’s not what you were experiencing before, but I think there’s a chance it could be still at least mild depression and I think it’d be good if you got help, and see what he thinks and go from there.

 

[Lou2U]

Ah, sorry I did read where you said his family was abusive in your OP, but for some reason I missed it when typing out my reply.

I mean, if we just go from your OP:

• He had an abusive childhood
• He has a history of depression and anxiety
• He’s isolated himself away from his friends
• He’s not interested in sex
• He’s lost interest in prayer and other things that mean a lot to him

He has a lot of symptoms of depression, and a lot of reasons why he may struggle with depression. Perhaps you could see a doctor on his behalf and ask them if they recommend any self-questionnaires for someone to check off how they may be struggling. It could be an eye-opener for him.

I think I might need to go to counseling to learn how to love him through it but have healthy boundaries so I can keep myself spiritually/physically/mentally healthy.

I definitely think you should do this. Make sure you look after yourself, and make sure you have a good support network around you.

 

[TheLittleLady]

What do you two do for fun?

Do you go to museums or to see scary movies, go on hikes or play softball or bowling? Go out dancing? Go on long drives to look at the autumn leaves and seek out little roadside cafes? Matthew Kelly’s book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” is a good one, and encourages us to go back to the things we did for fun while we were dating, to remember our story.

 

[whitetulips]

To TheLittleLady:
This is good, thank you!
We don’t do a whole lot together for fun honestly. We basically watch tv/movies. And we’ll spend time with my family (which I don’t make him do or anything haha he initiates it a lot of the time.) He doesn’t really click with a lot of my friends or their significant others and we haven’t found mutual friends yet.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Find something fun to do this weekend.

 

[Rau]

My husband and I have been married for about six months,

How long were you together before marrying?

We talked more tonight about it and he said that he hasn’t been happy lately in life. He said it’s not our marriage, but his job and the fact that he doesn’t have friends where we live.

Do you understand what about his job is problematic? How do you come to live far from his friends?

As far as his friends, I ask him if he wants to go visit but he thinks that’ll be too hard emotionally

Why would it be an emotional strain for a guy to visit a few friends. I guess it’s been a few months since he saw them?

he doesn’t really want to make new friends, he says he just wants his old ones.

So buying a house far from those friends seems an odd decision.

I’d say this has been two our three months, and before that he was battling anxiety and depression. He says he’s not now, but he just feels “blah.”

How was the prior bout of depression treated/managed? Did he receive medical attention? Medications?

How old are u guys?

 

[whitetulips]

whitetulips:

My husband and I have been married for about six months,

How long were you together before marrying?

We talked more tonight about it and he said that he hasn’t been happy lately in life. He said it’s not our marriage, but his job and the fact that he doesn’t have friends where we live.

Do you understand what about his job is problematic? How do you come to live far from his friends?

As far as his friends, I ask him if he wants to go visit but he thinks that’ll be too hard emotionally

Why would it be an emotional strain for a guy to visit a few friends. I guess it’s been a few months since he saw them?

he doesn’t really want to make new friends, he says he just wants his old ones.

So buying a house far from those friends seems an odd decision.

I’d say this has been two our three months, and before that he was battling anxiety and depression. He says he’s not now, but he just feels “blah.”

How was the prior bout of depression treated/managed? Did he receive medical attention? Medications?

How old are u guys?

We were friends for a couple years before dating, dated for nine months, were engaged for six months. We met when we were missionaries so he and I are from different states and we live by my family. That’s something he decided we’d do if we got married before I even asked him his preference on where to live because he knew how important it was for me to live close to them, which I really appreciate. For the emotional drain of visiting friends he thinks it’ll be harder if he sees them because he doesn’t think it’s realistic to maintain those friendships well from a distance so it’ll make him miss them more. We’re 26 and 27 years old.
He tried a couple different meds for anxiety and he basically said they were worse than not being on them, and one of them made him depressed. The doctor knows he’s off the meds. He tried counseling but he said he already knew everything they were going to say so it didn’t help.

 

[Jen7]

I mean to learn how to not just get frustrated by our marriage being this way already,

I think what you’re going through is SUPPOSED TO BE frustrating. To motivate you to get help to fix it.

 

[whitetulips]

whitetulips:

I mean to learn how to not just get frustrated by our marriage being this way already,

I think what you’re going through is SUPPOSED TO BE frustrating. To motivate you to get help to fix it.

For part of that help think I might need counseling myself honestly. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, as I’m crying intensely most nights, maybe multiple times, about how things are and I often don’t even feel like my new home with him is “home” because we’re not interacting a ton, and I’m used to home being a place where there’s a ton of loving interaction between family. I just have felt like an emotional mess for months with this.

 

[Jen7]

For part of that help think I might need counseling myself honestly. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, as I’m crying intensely most nights, maybe multiple times, about how things are and I often don’t even feel like my new home with him is “home” because we’re not interacting a ton, and I’m used to home being a place where there’s a ton of loving interaction between family. I just have felt like an emotional mess for months with this.

I truly think some of BOTH yours & your husband’s emotions may just be Post-marriage blues (a common thing once the wedding is all over - esp if it took a lot of planning and fanfare to pull off!) But I don’t think counseling could hurt anything. You and your husband sound like you need to get reacquainted in the man-and-wife role.

Regarding “home” - I don’t think it really can feel like it “used to”. Each home has its own “culture” that springs in part from what works for the two personalities in charge of that home. The “flavor” of your childhood home won’t feel just like your married home because it’s not being run by the same people. Another big difference is that your now the creator of home culture instead of the enjoyer of someone else’s hard-earned-culture. Figuring out what you and your husband like to eat on Thanksgiving or do on the weekends can take time and flexibility. It took my husband and I three or four years to realize we’d rather travel over Thanksgiving than spend days cooking up all the traditional foods from scratch. Our most memorable Thanksgiving was spent on the beach eating canned green beans, instant mashed potatoes, a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken, and canned cranberry sauce. Truly a blast!! Because it worked for us. Ya’ll will find what works for ya’ll, too. It just takes trial and error + time.

 

[whitetulips]

whitetulips:

For part of that help think I might need counseling myself honestly. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, as I’m crying intensely most nights, maybe multiple times, about how things are and I often don’t even feel like my new home with him is “home” because we’re not interacting a ton, and I’m used to home being a place where there’s a ton of loving interaction between family. I just have felt like an emotional mess for months with this.

I truly think some of BOTH yours & your husband’s emotions may just be Post-marriage blues (a common thing once the wedding is all over - esp if it took a lot of planning and fanfare to pull off!) But I don’t think counseling could hurt anything. You and your husband sound like you need to get reacquainted in the man-and-wife role.

Regarding “home” - I don’t think it really can feel like it “used to”. Each home has its own “culture” that springs in part from what works for the two personalities in charge of that home. The “flavor” of your childhood home won’t feel just like your married home because it’s not being run by the same people. Another big difference is that your now the creator of home culture instead of the enjoyer of someone else’s hard-earned-culture. Figuring out what you and your husband like to eat on Thanksgiving or do on the weekends can take time and flexibility. It took my husband and I three or four years to realize we’d rather travel over Thanksgiving than spend days cooking up all the traditional foods from scratch. Our most memorable Thanksgiving was spent on the beach eating canned green beans, instant mashed potatoes, a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken, and canned cranberry sauce. Truly a blast!! Because it worked for us. Ya’ll will find what works for ya’ll, too. It just takes trial and error + time.

Thank you, that’s really encouraging

 

[Rau]

I’ve been thinking about it for a while, as I’m crying intensely most nights, maybe multiple times, about how things are…

Where is your husband at these times and what his reaction to all your crying?

 

[TheLittleLady]

You mentioned before that your husband is an introvert. We introverts NEED our alone time. Especially if his job means interacting with people all day, he may just need a couple hours to decompress when he comes home. Can you find something you can do together in the evening that you can do side by side? Maybe play a video game together while supper is cooking? Or sit next to him and read a book or watch a show?

Counseling is an excellent idea, for an extrovert from what sounds like an extroverted family to marry an introvert is going to be some culture shock!!