Husband isn't sleeping at home

[duskyjewel]

Everyone has their own opinions, but in reality no one knows what they would do given my situation. I’m fully aware and taking and have taken the necissary precations to protect my health.

First, condoms do not protect 100%, nor do they protect from everything. HPV, the virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer, can be transmitted from and onto pelvic skin not covered by a condom. Herpes, same thing. And with both of those, you have them for LIFE. Second, I don’t understand why you would still want this man to even touch you, much less anything else.

Third, I would never allow my daughters to see this and think that it is acceptable to be treated that way by a man, or my sons to think it is acceptable to treat a woman that way. Any amount of pain is worth preserving my daughters’ self-respect, and the idea that they deserve respect and decent treatment, and preserving my sons’ idea that women are to be valued, cherished, and respected. I adore my husband, but if he were damaging my children, I would be forced to choose them over him.

 

[jwashu]

<— Guy

First of all, like everyone else, let me say that I’m praying for you guys.

As a father of 3 young boys I have to say that I can’t imagine my wife going through what your are having to deal with. Why? because she would have left… and truly, if I treated her that way I would deserve it.

Given men, nor women, are perfect but I believe there comes a time when you must say enough is enough. There are 10,000 psychological theories out there on why men fool around (or why people) or why men have mid-life crisis etc… no one answer is correct but few if any, will consider our Lord Jesus Christ.

As a husband our Christian Faith calls me to love my wife as Christ loved the Church. What does that realy mean? It means that I would sacrafice everything for her, I would die to myself for her needs… please let me point out that I do fail at this quite often but I am trying

My point to you is that it dosen’t seem from your posts that he is trying… or willing to try while you seem to be giving him more than he could ever need. Christian marraige isn’t 50/50 right? It’s 100/100 and you seem to be carrying 200%.

Given, there are always 2 sides of everything… I’m sure he has his reasons on why certian needs weren’t met before the affair blah blah blah… and they may even be valid. That however does not make adultry an option for him and he needs understand that, from you and/or from others.

One poster mentioned that you wouldn’t want to see your daughters being treated this way someday… I believe that is a very valid statment. Growing up I use to tell girls that I were friends with to always watch and see how the guy they were dating treated his mother… did he respect her? did he give her view creedence or was he totally rebellious? While it’s not 100%, you can often tell a lot about how someone will treat you by how they treat their parents… Do you really want your daughters to grow up believe it’s ok to let a man, even their father, do whatever he wants?

I hate divorce, and I pray that your husband gets his head back on straight before it’s too late… at the same time you have to do what is right for you and your children so he can’t sit around indecisive forever.

Joe

 

[Jerrysgirl]

Hang in there, J. Only you know what is right to do for your family. It might not be what others on this forum would do but trust your instinct and judgement. Keep praying and looking for an adoration chapel. God will lead you on your path - either with your husband or without him. He’ll also give you the strength to go it alone if that is His will.
Hugs :hug1: and prayers to you.

 

[j101291]

Joe and Karen,

Thank you both! I confronted him today about the lack of time he’s been spending with the kids. He says they don’t want to spend time with me, they’re teens. I suggested (again) dinners with them would be good, everyones at the table, if they want to talk they can. If he wants me to be away from the house I will go out, just so the kids will get some time with dad. He said he doesn’t want me to leave and that he will start spending more time with them.

Joe, my husband is super respectful to his mother. He is so appreciative of her and has always treated her really well. His dad left when he was three… he’s had NO contact with him, He adores the hard work his mother went through to raise him and his siblings on her own.

I’m standing for my marriage, I appreciate the opinions of others, but I honestly feel that there is hope. I couldn’t believe how many people actually go through affairs and recover, until I started reading about it.

I am doing what is necissary to take care of my well being and the kids as best as I know I can. I’m not an uneducated whimpy person who “needs” her husband to come home. I WANT my husband to come home. Yes he has sinned, but hate the sin, love the sinner + forgiveness. I believe that I am smart enough that I will know in my mind and my heart when it is time to give up. But… most affairs end So I’m holding on for a bit more.

Once again I thank you all for your prayers!!
J

 

[newbetx]

Joe and Karen,

Thank you both! I confronted him today about the lack of time he’s been spending with the kids. He says they don’t want to spend time with me, they’re teens. I suggested (again) dinners with them would be good, everyones at the table, if they want to talk they can. If he wants me to be away from the house I will go out, just so the kids will get some time with dad. He said he doesn’t want me to leave and that he will start spending more time with them.

Joe, my husband is super respectful to his mother. He is so appreciative of her and has always treated her really well. His dad left when he was three… he’s had NO contact with him, He adores the hard work his mother went through to raise him and his siblings on her own.

I’m standing for my marriage, I appreciate the opinions of others, but I honestly feel that there is hope. I couldn’t believe how many people actually go through affairs and recover, until I started reading about it.

I am doing what is necissary to take care of my well being and the kids as best as I know I can. I’m not an uneducated whimpy person who “needs” her husband to come home. I WANT my husband to come home. Yes he has sinned, but hate the sin, love the sinner + forgiveness. I believe that I am smart enough that I will know in my mind and my heart when it is time to give up. But… most affairs end So I’m holding on for a bit more.

Once again I thank you all for your prayers!!
J

J, any chance Joe will see a counsellor about his past? I joke about DW acting like her Mother at times, but…

His actions just look so obvious with that statement above. IMO He needs you. Can you talk to his mother? Maybe she can help.

 

[SeekerJen]

Thank you both! I confronted him today about the lack of time he’s been spending with the kids. He says they don’t want to spend time with me, they’re teens. I suggested (again) dinners with them would be good, everyones at the table, if they want to talk they can. If he wants me to be away from the house I will go out, just so the kids will get some time with dad. He said he doesn’t want me to leave and that he will start spending more time with them.

Have you asked the kids for their opinion? Do they want to spend time with him? If I were in their situation, I wouldn’t want to even sit at the same table with him, let alone speak to him. My dad never walked out on me and my mom, but he had a lot of unresolved and barely controlled anger issues and was often verbally and emotionally abusive. There were days when I was so upset by something he’d said or done to my mother that I couldn’t even look at him. I appreciate that YOU want him to see the kids, and think that they should be spending time with him, but it may upset them even more than they already are. Believe me that they are upset, even if they’re not sharing it with you.

 

[j101291]

Funny you should mention that. I worked on a list last night… “negatives” about him, that I could reread when I start feeling so sad about him being gone. This morning I woke up thinking about it… he is so grouchy and negative, NO WONDER the kids could care less if he’s around or not! DUH! I’m backing off! I know it’s usually best for kids to grow up in a loving household with both parents, but I’ve done what I could. I’ve admitted that I’d neglected some of his needs, I’ve appologized and left the door “open” if/when he decides to recommitt! He’s ruining his relationship with them, I don’t have control over that. I’ve offered him advice, I can’t make him follow it.

btw my husbands name isn’t “Joe”, I was addressing Joe regarding my husbands relationship with his mother.

My MIL knows and she has let him know that she is saddened by him leaving his house, wife and kids, but other than that, everyone else in town pretty much has the “emporer’s new clothes” take on the matter. ICK!!!

 

[anamchara]

Funny you should mention that. I worked on a list last night… “negatives” about him, that I could reread when I start feeling so sad about him being gone. This morning I woke up thinking about it… he is so grouchy and negative, NO WONDER the kids could care less if he’s around or not! DUH! I’m backing off! I know it’s usually best for kids to grow up in a loving household with both parents, but I’ve done what I could. I’ve admitted that I’d neglected some of his needs, I’ve appologized and left the door “open” if/when he decides to recommitt! He’s ruining his relationship with them, I don’t have control over that. I’ve offered him advice, I can’t make him follow it.

Please listen to the advice in here and seek a lawyers advice and let your husband know you are doing this. Apologizing and beginning to work together is the first step to reconciling but it takes two people willing to do this.

Stop worrying about the kids. In reality they need to see a mom taking charge and not letting a dad come and go and taking advantage of their mothers understanding ways. I’m not saying you are doing this but please don’t make the mistake of using your kids as anchor to try and hang on to him. When we are desperately in love we can subconsciously do things without realizing it. Just my opinion

 

[Ailina]

First, condoms do not protect 100%, nor do they protect from everything. HPV, the virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer, can be transmitted from and onto pelvic skin not covered by a condom. Herpes, same thing. And with both of those, you have them for LIFE. Second, I don’t understand why you would still want this man to even touch you, much less anything else.

Third, I would never allow my daughters to see this and think that it is acceptable to be treated that way by a man, or my sons to think it is acceptable to treat a woman that way. Any amount of pain is worth preserving my daughters’ self-respect, and the idea that they deserve respect and decent treatment, and preserving my sons’ idea that women are to be valued, cherished, and respected. I adore my husband, but if he were damaging my children, I would be forced to choose them over him.

This is true…I have to worry about cervical cancer, despite having had some medical procedures done already. My ex passed on the HPV virus to me.

I am lucky that it wasn’t AIDS too, because he also neglected to tell me he was getting tested for that.

 

[dulcissima]

This is true…I have to worry about cervical cancer, despite having had some medical procedures done already. My ex passed on the HPV virus to me.

I am lucky that it wasn’t AIDS too, because he also neglected to tell me he was getting tested for that.

The HPV virus is so common that I am thinking chances would be very high that a cheating spouse or one who had previous partners before marriage would be passing that on, which is scary. I got the whole battery of tests after my divorce and am feeling fortunate that they all came back negative. But I think it is good to let another woman know how real having something passed on to her is. I wish that they could think ahead to how harmful that is, and not just emotionally.