Husband kissed another woman

[CatholicRaven]

One quick side note: An alcoholic doesn’t have to drink every day, or even regularly, to be considered an alcoholic. see HERE and HERE.

A one-time drunken mistake is one thing… but the way he blew you off, gave you a quick apology and nothing more, doesn’t seem to think it’s any reason to change his behavior next time, and didn’t seem to think it was worthy of discussion, would bother me, too. Let’s hope he just doesn’t want to discuss it because he feels stupid, embarrassed and guilty for what he did, and doesn’t like thinking about how much of an idiot he was that night.

If he refuses to discuss these things, I would sit down and write him a letter about it, even if you decide not to give it to him. Read it over, make sure it’s clear, talks about your feelings (not whether he is right or wrong, but how his behavior made you feel), and expresses what you would LIKE (not demand) him to do about it now and when/if there are similar situations in the future. Clarify in your own mind what you realistically want and need from him.

Does he like making you jealous? Is he insecure and likes the attention from other women? Is he trying to get you to think of his behavior as though, “I was drunk, I don’t remember it,” and therefore, he’s not really responsible for it (or it didn’t “really” happen)–perhaps so that he can “get away” with more in the future? Or is he just feeling really stupid for what he did before, and doesn’t want to think about the pain he caused you, because it hurts him, too?

You said both these instances have happened within the past 8 months or so, and you’ve only been married for a year. If there were truly no signs of this behavior during the 15 years you dated (and you weren’t just ignoring or overlooking the red flags at the time), then what has changed since you married? What makes him think this behavior is okay now, when it wasn’t while you dated?

In the first instance, you said you were sitting behind the two of them… so who was driving the car? Your drunk husband??

Was the “friend” drunk and allowing him to kiss her? Or was she sober and allowing him to kiss her? That would have a lot to do with how I handled my “friend” from that point forth. In case that kind of thing ever happens again, I’d suggest you seriously think about how you want to handle it. What long-term outcome do you want, and what response is most likely to get it?

Although your feelings are understandable, your responses at the time seem very… well, odd and it doesn’t sound like you are doing much of anything to stop it at the time. You seem to be allowing him and others to disrespect you while you just meekly accept it (to a point), and then you complain to him about it later. Or maybe I’m just not understanding.

I would say, do your best to forgive him for his past transgressions (even if he doesn’t seem sorry) and don’t bring it up again–focus instead on his current behavior and your expectations from this point forth. If he has inappropriate conversations with other women, for example, don’t bring up the past, but instead, focus on how you are feeling at that moment. Don’t speak to him like a child (“Don’t you think you’ve spent enough time with your little friends?”), but do tell him when you feel disrespected, and what you are asking him to do.

Quite honestly, though, if a woman ever said something like that to my husband in front of me, I would have bitten her head off before anyone had a chance to laugh–I would be VERY clear that she was out of line. But that’s just me.

I think it’s a good idea for you to take some time for yourself, pull away for a couple days and spend some time in prayer. I also think it’s a good idea to speak with your pastor and possibly a counselor.

Will pray for you.

 

[BandJ]

Fantastic advice. We have only been married 1 1/2 years, but together for 16. I am in no way wanting a divorce in any way shape or form. When I said my vows, I meant them. I know this is the worse part. I’m just trying to find the path to get through this. Your words are what I needed to hear and I can see now I need to talk with my priest and speak with him and insist on communication. Please Lord fill my mouth with the words to say. I love him very much and I thought we had built a foundation on faith, but these things throw up a very large bump and I pray we can work through this. I know people say this had to have happened before, it has not. He has been nothing short of amazing. I just never saw this coming and maybe that’s why it hurts so much. I just need to do something because holding it in has obviously made it 10x worse.

 

[pnewton]

Phew! I was worried for a moment, but I just checked and I did not find anyone recommending divorce. Divorce is almost always a worse option. Unfortunately, in society today, it only takes one party to divorce though.

 

[Seraphignatius]

Phew! I was worried for a moment, but I just checked and I did not find anyone recommending divorce. Divorce is almost always a worse option. Unfortunately, in society today, it only takes one party to divorce though.

You missed this post:

. Make an appointment with a Catholic marriage counselor and decide wherther or not you want to stay married to this guy, you may have grounds for separation or an annullment.
Prayers and good luck.

Linus2nd

 

[BandJ]

One quick side note: An alcoholic doesn’t have to drink every day, or even regularly, to be considered an alcoholic. see HERE and HERE.

A one-time drunken mistake is one thing… but the way he blew you off, gave you a quick apology and nothing more, doesn’t seem to think it’s any reason to change his behavior next time, and didn’t seem to think it was worthy of discussion, would bother me, too. Let’s hope he just doesn’t want to discuss it because he feels stupid, embarrassed and guilty for what he did, and doesn’t like thinking about how much of an idiot he was that night.

If he refuses to discuss these things, I would sit down and write him a letter about it, even if you decide not to give it to him. Read it over, make sure it’s clear, talks about your feelings (not whether he is right or wrong, but how his behavior made you feel), and expresses what you would LIKE (not demand) him to do about it now and when/if there are similar situations in the future. Clarify in your own mind what you realistically want and need from him.

Does he like making you jealous? Is he insecure and likes the attention from other women? Is he trying to get you to think of his behavior as though, “I was drunk, I don’t remember it,” and therefore, he’s not really responsible for it (or it didn’t “really” happen)–perhaps so that he can “get away” with more in the future? Or is he just feeling really stupid for what he did before, and doesn’t want to think about the pain he caused you, because it hurts him, too?

You said both these instances have happened within the past 8 months or so, and you’ve only been married for a year. If there were truly no signs of this behavior during the 15 years you dated (and you weren’t just ignoring or overlooking the red flags at the time), then what has changed since you married? What makes him think this behavior is okay now, when it wasn’t while you dated?

In the first instance, you said you were sitting behind the two of them… so who was driving the car? Your drunk husband??

Was the “friend” drunk and allowing him to kiss her? Or was she sober and allowing him to kiss her? That would have a lot to do with how I handled my “friend” from that point forth. In case that kind of thing ever happens again, I’d suggest you seriously think about how you want to handle it. What long-term outcome do you want, and what response is most likely to get it?

Although your feelings are understandable, your responses at the time seem very… well, odd and it doesn’t sound like you are doing much of anything to stop it at the time. You seem to be allowing him and others to disrespect you while you just meekly accept it (to a point), and then you complain to him about it later. Or maybe I’m just not understanding.

I would say, do your best to forgive him for his past transgressions (even if he doesn’t seem sorry) and don’t bring it up again–focus instead on his current behavior and your expectations from this point forth. If he has inappropriate conversations with other women, for example, don’t bring up the past, but instead, focus on how you are feeling at that moment. Don’t speak to him like a child (“Don’t you think you’ve spent enough time with your little friends?”), but do tell him when you feel disrespected, and what you are asking him to do.

Quite honestly, though, if a woman ever said something like that to my husband in front of me, I would have bitten her head off before anyone had a chance to laugh–I would be VERY clear that she was out of line. But that’s just me.

I think it’s a good idea for you to take some time for yourself, pull away for a couple days and spend some time in prayer. I also think it’s a good idea to speak with your pastor and possibly a counselor.

Will pray for you.

For the record I did bite her head off and stood in front of her and said and cussed up a storm unfortunately. I hate acting that way or having to. I was definitely blinded by anger at the moment. Instantly I just felt sick that I was having to do this. I can see how I come off meek in my responses. It’s just that this or anything like it has never happened. I have to say if we were not married yet, I know I would have broken it off. But I am married now, I said forever and I meant it. I knew what I was saying when I stood up and made my vows and I don’t plan to break them. But I promise I will not be a door mat. I just don’t want to start a fight, I want to get to the bottom of this. I always have my “strong face” on in life. I’m the gal no one messes with and I speak my mind usually always. But this new situation has got me all turned around and feeling just weak. I’m saying the things I am saying here because I feel like I can, things I don’t normally say out loud.

I agree with you on moving past and going forward… that’s the part I’m trying to figure out right now, I just don’t know how. Wish I new someone who has been through this and come out the other end successful.

 

[1ke]

Fantastic advice. We have only been married 1 1/2 years, but together for 16.

Ok, so he’s the poster boy for awesomeness for 14 years and then less than a year into your marriage he did these things and then again less than 18 months into marriage. I’m sorry, that sounds a little suspicious.

May I ask what circumstances led you to date for over 14 years without marrying, and what prompted marriage at this juncture? Did you live together during the 14 years? Have children together?

 

[pnewton]

You missed this post:

Yes, I did. I just did a search on the word “divorce.” I am also no fan of separation as it usually leads to divorce.

Well, I guess we could discuss when such action is permitted by Catholic teaching, but all that is really premature, at least I would hope things have not progressed too far. I cannot over-emphasize, pray for the best. Prepare for the worst.

 

[Cricket2]

You are in trouble. You better sit him down and tell him that this kind of behavior needs to stop and not be repeated or he can decide to leave. I mean it. No man who is going to be faithful to his wife would even think of pulling something like this.

I would not trust him and I would not apologize for bringing the problem to his attention. Tell him you are going to set up a meeting with your pastor to discuss this issue and he better show up. Tell him this needs dealt with to save your marriage and that he is out of line for expecting you to put up with this nonsense. I would also tell him his friend is someone he might reconsider hanging around with.

If you know for a fact he was intending on cheating on his wife, let her know what went on. She has the right to know and “friend” needs to stay away from your husband.

 

[BandJ]

Ok, so he’s the poster boy for awesomeness for 14 years and then less than a year into your marriage he did these things and then again less than 18 months into marriage. I’m sorry, that sounds a little suspicious.

May I ask what circumstances led you to date for over 14 years without marrying, and what prompted marriage at this juncture? Did you live together during the 14 years? Have children together?

No kids. It was my hang up to not get married. Didn’t know if it was my calling. We lived together for 6 years before we married. I was just tired of not living right with God by living with my boyfriend (not being able to take communion) and he had never been anything but fantastic to me. Finally his niece and nephew, we are close to, and we were preaching to them about waiting until marriage and that’s sure rich advice coming from us at the time. I decided the try out period of 14 years went fantastic, he never showed any signs that he would be anything but a loving and wonderful husband that would honor his word to God when he took his vows. Our spiritual life has always been the main focus and once again that is why I am just taken back by all of this. I let my guard down, more than ever before and I feel like I had a huge hit to the gut. Shattering my illusion of what I thought my marriage was. Before this happened, I asked myself, why did I wait, marriage is awesome. Then I saw that and it was like I was watching a movie, it was almost hard to believe. I know looking in from the outside is easy. You’re not vested and to be honest I know what I would tell myself. This is a red flag sister, you’re in for more pain, I’d get out now. Gotta say it’s a different, confusing view from this angle. I just hate it.

 

[gigi_mvn]

Are you a relatively attractive woman?

 

[mommy_k]

This is what you do-

Talk to a lawyer, freeze the accounts, freeze joint credit cards, change the locks and throw the jerk out until he is fully committed to you.

He does not deserve any of this information prior, or any talks about feelings. You did that, now act. He needs a wake up call to treat you like a child of God, worthy of Love and Respect. Until he can do this-goodbye.

Now go and do this.

BTW- I am not suggesting a divorce-just that your husband will continue to victimize you until you show him that you refuse to be a victim.

 

[Phemie]

Thank you for your perspective. To be honest the entire situation has put me back on my heels because he has always acted like a faithful man. He has even held other friends accountable who have had affairs. been a friend to them and getting them to see the error of doing what they were doing?

Yes, well, my father-in-law was the same. Vilified his friend who had a mistress, couldn’t understand it and 'didn’t he know what it was doing to his wife?" Then when FIL died I found out that it had all been for show and that he had a mistress too.

 

[LongingSoul]

Have you tried marriage counselling? Marriage is very different to just living together without any commitment to speak of. It’s like if you build yourself a houseboat to carry you in life over the ocean and then try to bring that boat up on the land to continue living the same life. The foundations of a boat are made for one condition (water) and they aren’t going to serve the same purpose as foundations on the dry ground. Your husband may be having his own issues, consciously or sub consciously, with this new basis, that are making him act out of character.

Get yourselves to some marriage counselling and don’t feel ashamed or like a failure because you’ve only been married a short time. I worked for a marriage and family counselling org. for lots of years and saw numerous couples come through those doors within the first year of marriage! The transition from living together single to living together married, has its own special set of difficulties to overcome.

God bless.

 

[BandJ]

Have you tried marriage counselling? Marriage is very different to just living together without any commitment to speak of. It’s like if you build yourself a houseboat to carry you in life over the ocean and then try to bring that boat up on the land to continue living the same life. The foundations of a boat are made for one condition (water) and they aren’t going to serve the same purpose as foundations on the dry ground. Your husband may be having his own issues, consciously or sub consciously, with this new basis, that are making him act out of character.

Get yourselves to some marriage counselling and don’t feel ashamed or like a failure because you’ve only been married a short time. I worked for a marriage and family counselling org. for lots of years and saw numerous couples come through those doors within the first year! The transition from living together single to living together married, has its own special set of difficulties to overcome.

God bless.

Thank you. Your words help and ring very true. I believe I’m going to ask him tonight to go to counseling. I appreciate the catholic perspective. I can’t seem to get through this on my own or together, so an outside objective perspective is probably in order. I never looked at the living together as being such a burden, but I agree. There is a reason why they say not to do it right.

 

[Vincent187]

You and your husband are both in my prayers.

May the peace of Christ be with you.

 

[Auntie_A]

A question to ask yourself and others is: IF my husband had an alcohol problem, how would I know? What are the signs? Many people on this thread appear to be trying to make you look a bit deeper at what you are describing as one or two rare times.

What does an alcoholic or problem drinker look like to you?

What seems like normal behavior in a marriage versus dysfunctional behavior and why is it different from usual?

Has your husband always behaved so casually around adultery and inappropriate male-female conversations and behavior?

Why is your husband putting the responsibility on your lap?

Definitely. Counseling is in order, and meet with a priest.

 

[Makavic]

Ephesians 5:22

1 Peter 3:1

 

[mommy_k]

There are several posts on CAF that direct Catholic women not to continue to put themselves in situations with family members that are abusive, including husbands, mothers, fathers and so on.

Having the strength to deal with your husband in a way to remove yourself from this type of emotionally abusive behavior is not going against your faith. Abuse has many faces.

Of course you want to discuss-but if you are frequently dismissed as you say, another action is necessary. Evil behavior like your husband is displaying does not come from God.

Going against morally unacceptable behavior in a direct way sometimes is needed. It doesn’t have anything to do with faith or love for Jesus, being a feminist or what have you.
I am feminine, quiet,soft voice, small, and about 110 pounds soaking wet and blond to top it off, hardly a formadible woman- and there are times when I had to stick up for myself and limit contact or press back into evil absuive people, and it was not sinful because I did. (not against my husband, as he is great- but other people at rare times)

Another poster brought in Mother Teresa,
Yes she was a very strong woman, even when she was critisized for treating aids patients and homosexuals. She did not let the threat of judgement prevent her from doing what was right.

What is right here is for your husband to seek forgiveness from you, and you to show mercy when that happens. But he needs to be held accountable until that time comes, and it seems conversations are not working.

 

[BandJ]

Thank you for sharing.

I would ask that you turn this, and your life over to God and His plan for you. When I think of “strong women” one of the strongest women that comes to my mind is Mother Teresa of Calcutta. She was meek and small and served the poor, turning her entire life over to God. The culture will have us believe that “strong women” are not this way, don’t fall for this notion, it is a trap.

Truly strong women (in my opinion) are not independent, demanding, confident or take-charge type of people. Truly strong women (in my opinion) realize how dependent they are on our Lord Jesus Christ and that without Him they can do nothing, but with Him they can do everything. Jesus Christ knows that this is a burden for you, let Him deeper into your life and ask his vision for you. Please be assured of my prayers.

Thank you… just what I need to hear. I know this, but it is always nice to be reminded when your thinking is cloudy. I know leaning on him will be my answer. I always try to do it myself, fail miserably, then when I am down on my knees from failing I turn to God. I need to quiet my own voice and listen for his in this situation. I think when I posted here I was looking for some kind of Catholic outlook and of course the obvious answer is always the best. Turn to him, because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Thank you for your words, they have helped me more than you know.

 

[Evania]

BandJ,

My heart hurts for you, so please know I’m praying for your marriage to overcome this.

Here’s my question:

Why is he giving you the cold shoulder for days following his betrayal? Just because he doesn’t remember it? If this was me, I would be horrified at my actions (and even frightened at the fact that I didn’t remember it). My last impulse would be to display coldness or anger at my spouse! I would be apologizing profusely and because I would be scared out of my wits to have done something so awful to someone I loved, without having any recollection, I would take steps to get help in three ways: 1) Avoid drinking 2) Insist on counseling for myself first and foremost, and with my spouse 3) Change my circle of friends.
I think his anger with you is bizarre, misplaced, and as another poster commented, a deflection technique.