Husband leaving

[kmc404]

My husband has left our marriage 2 weeks ago. We have 2 children ages 3&4. He said we fight all the time. I have told him to leave and I want a divorce out of anger at times. But I thought our relationship was OK. I thought we were fine. I know I am the reason to blame but I want to work our marriage through. I have contacted our priest but he is on vacation this week. I am trying to keep faith and don’t know what to do. He is very angry with me and won’t talk. I was suppossed to go out with him and our children on Saturday and did not go because I still feel hurt for him leaving. My husband now states that Saturday was our only chance to work on our marriage. He is angry but does not feel leaving his family was wrong. Please help with your thoughts and prayers.
A sad seperated mother and wife

 

[dulcissima]

As someone who is recently divorced, I would just like to emphasize how horrific a divorce is. It is not anything that should ever be threatened. If either of you had even an inkling of how emotionally gut-wrenching and expensive a divorce is, you would swallow your pride, put aside your hurt, and really talk to each other – and you would listen to what the other has to say – and really take that other point of view into consideration. Please do contact your husband and let him know that you are finished playing games, because that is what you were doing when you taunted him to leave and when you wouldn’t show up to talk about saving your marriage.

There are so few circumstances in a marriage where separation or divorce is actually called for. I really hope your marriage is not one of that type, and I do hope you have the heart to do all you can for your marriage. Praying for you and for your family.

 

[water]

Dear kmc and welcome to the forums!

I am sorry that you have to go through this. When I was reading your post, my thought of St. Rita came to mind. I ask her to pray for me in my daily life. Like you, she once had a husband and two young children. I immediately prayed and asked her to intercede God for you to have patience, love and forgiving. These graces are what God had given her to deal with her husband and those around her.

You can ask her for intercession. More info on the saint at:
saintritashrine.org/ritalife.htm

and here is the Novena to St. Rita To Obtain The Gift of Reconciliation:

childmary.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=130

God bless you and your family.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I am happy to pray for you. Please keep your heart open to reconciliation. Have you considered a retreat. I have heard that Retrouville (not sure if I spelled that correctly, sorry) has wonderful retreats for couples on the verge of divorce. Please consider this. May God bless your family.

Here’s the link. I highly recommend Retrouvaille. The main focus is not religious if that would be a concern for your husband. It is all about communication.

retrouvaille.org/

 

[Robaynne]

I don’t know what the right words to say right now but to say I am sorry that you are going through so much pain right now. I have been there, did that and even got the t/shirts and scars to match.

But I want you to think about something there are two of you in this marriage. Why should you take the blame for what happened he must have done something to have made you so angry. Most married couples go throught that phase where they say I want a divorce but do not mean. Sorry to have to say but there is more to the story than meets the eye.

All couples fight and argue but they so how work it out. And he should not be putting you under pressure saying that he wanted to make up on Saturday and becoz you did not pitch up that was your last chance. That is a very silly excuse. When you love somebody and want to work on a marriage you will do everything in your power to work it out. If he wanted a time out just to get away from the fighting cool no problem. There are two kids involved I am not saying that you should get back together again becoz of the children.

I will keep you in my prayers just hang in there. Sometimes married couples need a time out just to sort things out. So if he really wants to work things out that go for counselling go to Retrouvaille there is always alternatives and solutions to problems.

Take care and God Bless.

 

[GhostMan]

First of all, I’m very sorry that you’re in this position; it is a terrible thing for you, your husband and your children. No good can come of a family splitting in most cases.

I haven’t been here very long, but I have observed that there is a general tendency to give women a whole lot more slack than men on most issues. In this case, no one seems to have pointed out that you said you wanted a divorce, and that you wanted him to leave. I know you probably said this only in anger, but he heard what you are saying and acted on it. No excuses for him, however. He is not called to abandon his family. I’m certainly not taking “his” side. I just want to point out that a marriage where the wife screams for a man to leave and demands a divorce, yet still believes that they are “ok” has deep problems.

Maybe he left to try and shake things up enough so that you might take the problems seriously? Have you dealt with the underlying problems that keep coming up in your arguments? Do you listen to each other or just agrue past one another?

You’re at a crisis point. Right now all each of has a lot of hurt and a lot of pride. Are you able to put aside your pride and try and deal with each other’s hurt? If not, no amount of outside couseling will help.

This is your wake up call. It’s not too late, otherwise you husband would not have said with he said. He’s looking for you to make the next move, I suspect. Are you just going to be angry and nurse your hurt or are you going to act like a grown-up, take the children into consideration, and start communicating?

He’s at fault, he should not have left. You’re equally at fault, at least with what you’ve said so far. Put away your pride and make a move towards reconciliation.

 

[duskyjewel]

GhostMan, you’re right about women getting more slack sometimes. Let me break that trend here, woman to woman…

I too am left wondering how a woman could be so cavalier about the value of her marriage, both to herself and to her children, as to just use threatening a divorce as a tactic. The way you described it, this was something you had done more than once.

I completely disagree that most marriages go through a stage where the couple says they want to divorce without really meaning it. I think those who really value marriage and are serious about maintaining it would never allow such a thing to pass their lips. Sure, there are times when the thought occurs, but every thought does not have to be spoken. As someone who was forced to live the destruction wrought by my own parents’ reasonably amicable divorce (as in, it was not one of those horrible, no rules, knock-down drag-out ones), I have sworn never to let that idea be spoken by me. Even if at times, I have thought it. I think there are many like me, who have learned the hard way. It may be that many marriages do go through such a stage, but I don’t believe it’s the majority.

kmc404, you told him to leave more than once. You flat out told him you didn’t want him. And then, at the time you were supposed to meet him, you decided not to because you were still hurt and angry. Well, how do you think he feels? The woman he promised to love forever and trusted to be the mother of his children told him to get out and that she doesn’t want him anymore, and when he agreed to meet you to work on things, you rejected him again because of your own selfish feelings. You are acting like a petulant child with no regard for his feelings. You are hurting your children because you refuse to let go of your own childlike behavior. I am sure there are things he does that have contributed to the marriage breaking down, but did he ever tell you that he wanted a divorce and to just get out? Did he tell you that you have no value to the family? Because that is what you did to him. Why should he feel leaving the family was wrong? You TOLD him to!

I pray and hope that he will give you another chance to work things out. Use any and every resource you can find to help you. Talk to your priest when you can, look into Retrouvaille… but none of those will mean anything unless you commit yourself to taking this marriage seriously and to valuing and honoring your husband. Which means that “maybe I want a divorce, you should leave” should never pass your lips again unless you have a GOOD reason, like abuse, addiction, or adultery. It is time for you to beg and plead with your husband for another chance. Do anything it takes to get him to listen, and then take the blame for your own behavior.

I just can’t get over how casually it seems you have used this threat… A mark of how effectively our culture is teaching the idea that divorce is no big deal, I suppose. What a wrong-headed and horrible idea. For Catholics, marriage is a sacrament. We are supposed to value it on the same level as the Eucharist, as Baptism, as the ability to be forgiven and receive absolution in Reconciliation, as the grace and fortification of the Gifts of the Holy Spirit in Confirmation… would we casually tell Jesus or God the Father to just remove himself from our lives out of anger or spite? So how can we justify doing that to the spouse to whom Jesus and his Church bound us?

 

[ack]

Yeah…but it was a lot worse a year ago. Last year, it got to the point where some women noticed the problem and started a “why I love my husband” thread, which was very nice.

I haven’t been here very long, but I have observed that there is a general tendency to give women a whole lot more slack than men on most issues.

 

[stadre]

“Divorce.” It is an ugly word that can’t be taken back, no matter how you mean it.

Please, show him that you want to work on this. Get information about Retrouvaille. Go to the next one possible (even if you have to travel). Do not use the children as an excuse to not go. If your babysitter options aren’t your first choice, keep the next sentence in mind. They will be better off with married parents than divorced parents. They need you both.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry to hear this…may I ask what you typically fight about? (and my prayers are with you)

 

[Norseman82]

I’m not going to try to analyze fault over who said what and who started what when and where and who needs to “eat crow” - that’s already been done. I will only advise that if you are serious about getting him back, you may need to enlist help from other family members. Do you have any brothers or male in-laws that are on good terms with him that could keep open the lines of communication and would not offend him by keeping open the lines of communication? I’m only saying this because I’m a male and you are trying to communicate with a male - and sometimes it takes a trustworthy male to cool off another male.

 

[kmc404]

Thank you for all of your comments and suggestions, I am trying to work on my marriage I will suggest the weekend away to work on rebuilding our lives. God Bless.
KMC

 

[In_Vino_Veritas]

Your husband is angry and hurting as well. It sounds like he is trying to convince himself that this is your fault, not his. Telling you after-the-fact that you had blown your “only chance” to work on your marriage is telling.

My suggestion: swallow hard and apologize to him. Tell him you want to be the wife that God wants you to be for him, but that you need him to ‘submit’ himself to allow you to do that.

He needs to get rid of his anger before you can get this ship righted.

 

[kmc404]

I have apologized and suggested to go to Retrouville, I gave him the information and told him if he is interested space is limited. He is meeting with a counselor from our church tomorrow. He states he does not want to go but is going for me and I guess that is a step. He says he doesn’t want to come home because he does not think things have changed. I told him I went to a counselor and that is something I have never done before. He is taking no responsibility for him leaving and not trying to talk with me before he left. I have cried, begged and pleaded that does not work. I now am just working on being civil, trying not to cry and plan on not calling him. He needs to want to work on our marriage too. I have told him in writing and with words that I love him and want our marriage to work we have 2 children God has blessed us with and we made a vow for better or for worse. OK it got worse and I admit to not being the loving wife God chose me to be, but he is not perfect either. He has bottled up things from years gone by. We fight and I let things go I forgive. He does not want to forgive. I love my husband and it is a shame that this has to happen for me to realize this. I wasn’t terrible all of the time and I wrote him that card to remind him of the selfless things I did do because I loved him, things that maybe he took for granted. This seperation was a shock to my family and his. I speak with his Dad and he has tried to talk with him to work on our marriage but he just sits there and doesn’t really say anything. God give me strength and patience. I pray that our love can be restored.
Kristen

 

[Sabda]

I wasn’t terrible all of the time and I wrote him that card to remind him of the selfless things I did do because I loved him, things that maybe he took for granted.

Instead of writing him a letter to remind him of what you have done for him, why don’t you write him a letter showing that you remember all the good things that He has done for You. Honestly, I do not see writing him a letter reminding him of what you have done for him to be really helpful. It could come across as arrogant. Doing it the other way would be much more humble and would show that yes you do realize that he has done some good things for you. Let someone else (like his dad) remind him of what you have done for him.

 

[4tomorrow]

I know first hand what you are going through right now. It takes a long time to heal from a broken heart, so please hang in there.

it liiks to me as if your husband is trying to blame you for everything, instead of taking any responsibility. That way he doesn’t hurt so much. boys are selfish that way.

do you think perhaps those times that you told your husband you wanted a divorce out of anger that you really meant it deep down???

my strongest advise is to focus all your energy on your children. I truly believe that when my marriage failed that my baby daughter saved me. She made me get up in the morning, she made me get dressed, she made me eat, and she made me smile. I thank GOD every day for that beautiful child. I KNOW i wouldn’t have made it without her. I needed her as much as she needed me.

I’m not saying the pain will ever go away. It has been over 2 years since my husband left the first time and it still hurts, but every day has it’s bright points. Go out and look for the brightness. It is right there in your children.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

KMC

As a father my prayers are with you and your children. I mention them because I feel that you need to surround them with all the love that you can muster right now. Of my 3 soon to be 4 children, I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and know how they love me and cling to me and when I was travelling for business it was tough on them, but their mother was the rock that kept the family strong while I was away. You need to be that rock for them.

To me, it sounds like you are wanting to do whatever it takes to work on your marriage. :clapping: Good for you! That is what you need to focus on, not mountian is too high for you to climb to make this work. Mind you, do not compromise yourself or your beliefs and values, but do what you can to make it work. It also sounds like your husband is wanting to make it work, he is just unsure about a few things and that can be worked out with time. The two of you “together” can work through this.

My prayers are with you.

 

[57classic]

Buy, and I mean buy not get from the library, Dr. Laura’s Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Woman Power and Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. You will want your own copies so you can write in them.
Read PCAF of Husbands BEFORE you see your husband again, it’s a quick read. Have a good cry then own your faults! Give him the book, PCAF of Husbands, tell him you’ve read it and have a discussion from there.
Woman Power is a workbook for PCAF of Husbands and PCAF of Marriage can be read and worked on together.

These are great books, I recommend them to every married couple. Even those not having trouble will count their blessings and be more alert for the pain careless statements can cause.

 

[kmc404]

I appreciate your suggestion on writing him a letter on all the good things he has done for me. I can now see that my card could have been taken as arrogance. I have received no response from my letter, he was suppossed to meet with a counselor today and I thought he may call me, but to no evail I have sat at home with my two children barely hanging on at times. I am so ANGRY and HURT. I pray to God to give be humbleness with this cross I bear. I heard one of our favorite songs today and I got real emotional. Deep down inside I love this man. This is killing me. I don’t feel he wants to work on this relationship. He says he knows I am hurting, but just walks away. I am ready to give up on this. My vow as a wife under God and him as a husband feel like they mean nothing to him. This man teaches CCD. How can a man who goes to Church and teach CCD be so unforgiving and hurtful to someone that he made a vow to love in good times and in bad. We have struggled in our marriage he was laid off for almost 2 years of our 8 together. The drastic personality change in this man is overwhelming. He is not like this. He is mean and spiteful, calous and uncaring. I will try your suggestion of writing him and thanking him for the memories that we once had together as a “Happy Family” Lord give me strength to hang on. I started removing his picture from my walls when I get so upset. But what does that accomplish. Thank you for your suggestions.
Kristen

 

[kmc404]

I emailed him a thank you list of the memories that he has thanklessly given to me and signed it Love,K. I I didn’t talk about our current problem right now. We shall see what becomes of this. Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers. This experience is life changing and I wish at times it is a bad dream. That if I could turn back time and somehow start over. My marriage is at a strenuous turning point and I pray that this may survive. There is so much HURT he was building up and not letting go of and just left. That HURT will remain with me forever. If someone would have asked me a month ago if I would be going through this I would have said NO, my marriage is fine, yes we fight but all couples do. When my feelings get hurt for whatever reason I say the meanest, most hurtful thing I can think of and obviously that is sinful and I have repented for my sins. Let Jesus’ forgiveness instill in my husband as well. This can make us stronger if only he is willing to try. I am remaining ever hopeful but as time goes on that hope starts to dwindle day by day.
Thank you again and God Bless,
Kristen