Husband leaving

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Norseman82
Thank you for your reply. After I read your message I did call our priest and left a message on his machine. I may call tomorrow about dinner. See if he wants to go out with the kids. Maybe he did already find someone else and that is where this is now? I talk so little to him maybe he could not have an erection for sex with someone else. But he said this problem started around the last time we made love. He said he wasn’t full then. It was a week ago this past Thursday. I thought he didn’t find anyone else because he wanted to make love to me so badly last week. I have no idea what he does with all his time. He says he works alot now, who knows. He seems to spend alot of time with his sister he says so maybe there is no other woman. But I don’t know that. I try to believe there is no one else. I am reading Dr. Laura’s book Proper care and feedking of Husbands and am half way through. I shoudl have read this a long time ago. It is a very good book. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
God Bless,
Kristen
 
Kirsten,

One other thing I might suggest. Would your husband be up to attending Mass together with you? That might be another way of getting the foot in the door. Maybe then you both could approach the priest (after posting my previous response, I realized that approaching together might be better than going “behind his back”, but I guess if it’s done, it’s done). The reason I keep harping on the “faith” point is this: since your husband is a cathechism teacher, it shows that he at least has a connection to the faith (even if it is going through a rough patch right now), so approaching him from a faith perspective (and it still may need to be done carefully and patiently) might be the “foot in the door” you need (at least I hope so, since I don’t know your husband - you ultimately are in a better position than any of us).
 
Norseman82
I did suggest going to mass together, but he refused. I did speak with our priest today and we prayed together. I am sorrowful for all the pain I have caused him and only want to take all the pain away. I know I cannot the damiage is done. Thank you for all of your guidance. My husband does have a strong faith and I pray that he forgives me for my evil ways. God Bless you.
Kristen
 
kmc404 said:
Norseman82
But he said this problem started around the last time we made love.
Kristen
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I personally think that this aspect of your concerns is not something for public knowledge, Kristen. I wanted to say something the first time you told this forum about it, but did not do so then. I can’t let it go this time.

This is not only none of our business, but could also be viewed as a violation of trust by dh should he ever wander to this forum and read it. This is a topic that should be discussed with a counselor or MD in privacy, preferably with him.

There are boundaries that should not be crossed in husband wife areas that just are no one else’s business, and need to be honored by both parties. Frankly, I am surprised that no one, particularly the men, has said anything about this yet.

When people are hurt, they often say things that should NEVER be said, for whatever reason, to whomever will listen. We violate Trust many times about things that may or may not have anything to do with the current situation. No excuse can justify using private things publicly. Trust lost takes a long time to rebuild, and can ONLY be rebuilt by the person who violated that trust…and it takes… as long as it takes. Pleading won’t change things, talking about it won’t change things… acting MAY change things, slowly. The person whose trust has been broken does NOT have to ‘simply trust me’ based solely on words.

When an adulterous partner repents and returns, only that person can work to reassure the other that it will never happen again. One of the ways that this is done is to be scrupulously honest and accountable to the other person…for as long as it takes.

When the person that we are either trying to hurt, or unconsciously hurting is our spouse, we are shooting ourselves in OUR foot, because we are ‘one flesh’ with that person.

I know that this sounds harsh, though it isn’t meant to BE harsh. But it is meant to bring something to your attention that needs to be attended to.

Sometimes we need to bite our tongue… in this case, fingers. Stop, think… if my husband read this, would he be shocked, hurt, saddened, and what is my purpose (honestly) of wanting to say it publicly? If the answer is yes…and my honest assessment of my actions/words is simply to gain pity from others or to hurt him… best to delete the words before they come back to bite.

God bless~
 
I am sincerely sorry if I offended anyone here reading. I truly am sorry. I thought I was trying to communicate my situation to have another perspective other than my own. Too much information was given and I understand I crossed the line. I would not want to feel slighted if he ever saw this. I was looking for help for a hopeless situation. God Bless you all.
Kristen
 
Kristen, I am concerned that you are taking the complete blame for all of this. Was he perfect? Did he treat you well all the time? Did he *never *do anything wrong as to take the higher ground in this situation?
If you fought, was he a complete gentleman EVERY time?
If not, it is both of you who are at fault, NOT just you.
I know that you want to fix it so to admit it was ALL you may make him give you a second chance. I know, I have been there…but it does no good, unless both people accept fault. If he thinks he is blameless, then he will hold that over you if you reconcile.
I know that you are sorry for what you have done, but he is the one that has left. THAT is wrong too!
Do not take the complete burden of this, your husband had a part to play in this as well, unless he’s a saint.
 
jules11 said:
Kristen, I am concerned that you are taking the complete blame for all of this. Was he perfect? Did he treat you well all the time? Did he *never *do anything wrong as to take the higher ground in this situation?
If you fought, was he a complete gentleman EVERY time?
If not, it is both of you who are at fault, NOT just you.
I know that you want to fix it so to admit it was ALL you may make him give you a second chance. I know, I have been there…but it does no good, unless both people accept fault. If he thinks he is blameless, then he will hold that over you if you reconcile.
I know that you are sorry for what you have done, but he is the one that has left. THAT is wrong too!
Do not take the complete burden of this, your husband had a part to play in this as well, unless he’s a saint.
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Do not project your own issues on her. She has clearly realized her faults and she is ready to work on them. Do not get her to play again the blaming game, it looks like that things started that way.

She is the one responsible for her behaviors and she knows that she needs to fix them. I think that some professional help from a Catholic counselor could also add a lot.

Her husband is not perfect by definition. But this has nothing to do with waiting for him to assume responsibilities. This is about her to keep doing what is right.

If you read Ephesians 5:22-33

Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.

She should give him the opportunity of loving her like Christ loved the Church and be ready to die for her. My personal take is that if he really believes in what the Church teaches, and he is still talking to her for any reason then there is a good chance that he will be ready to go back and be ready to be a true husband.
 
Cristiano and Jules 11
I am seeing a catholic counselor through my church. What is the right thing to do? I am trying to show with actions how I love him. I take his rejections and just say OK. I am at a loss. I feel that nothing I do will be right. He sees no good in me at all. I continue to pray for guidance and thank you for your thoughts. God Bless you.
Kristen
 
Cristiano said:
Do not project your own issues on her. She has clearly realized her faults and she is ready to work on them. Do not get her to play again the blaming game, it looks like that things started that way.

She is the one responsible for her behaviors and she knows that she needs to fix them. I think that some professional help from a Catholic counselor could also add a lot.

Her husband is not perfect by definition. But this has nothing to do with waiting for him to assume responsibilities. This is about her to keep doing what is right.

If you read Ephesians 5:22-33

Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.

She should give him the opportunity of loving her like Christ loved the Church and be ready to die for her. My personal take is that if he really believes in what the Church teaches, and he is still talking to her for any reason then there is a good chance that he will be ready to go back and be ready to be a true husband.
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Excuse me? Is there any reason why you need to be so rude? And how could you possibly know my issues? How judgemental of you!
I just cannot get over the lack of charity in your post… there are ALWAYS two sides and sometimes women take all the blame just to fix things… HE LEFT… he has some blame. I am well aware of owning up to your own behaviour, but HE made a vow too and HE is the one that is saying he doesn’t want the marriage. Even if he came back, he needs to accept responsibility for what HE has done wrong or this will happen all over again.
Its all very well to see where you have gone wrong and determine to do better, but for someone to think that they are blameless in a situation is not helpful to reconciliation or staying married.
I think no matter how anyone else behaves, you have a responsibility to be the best you can and be Christlike in every situation. Nothing about a blame game.
I was just trying to get Kristen to see that she may be (I say MAY be not that she IS) taking more blame than is due because of her wanting the marriage restored. She doesn’t need to beat herself up for being such a horrible wife on top of everything else. I just meant for her to keep everything in perspective, thats all.
 
Hi Kristen,

I am keeping you and your husband in my prayers. I am not married yet, but in my job, deal a lot with conflict resolution, so I thought I would chime in.

I think when you see him, you should treat him as lovingly as possible. It sounds like he needs some space, and you need to give that to him, but let him know the door is open. Treat him with as much compassion as possible.

It is never good to discuss points of contention, or areas that need improvement, until both sides are ready. Otherwise, it only backfires. It is also counterproductive to continually bring up past hurts or use threats like divorce.

That being said, both sides need to take responsibility and be accountable for their actions. It was wrong for your husband to leave. Period. That being said, he may need some time to cool down and collect his thoughts–to clear his head so to speak. In the interim, you can use this to think about how you can best communicate how you want to love him better, and how and in what ways he needs to love you better. It may take time before he is ready for this.

The best setting to talk might be in group counseling, because the counselor can help when things get heated. The counselor can also provide tips on how to better communicate etc.

We all make mistakes and it is good to own up to it. But at the same time, we cant let people walk all over us. Your marriage can only be saved with mutual effort. You are doing all the things you can do, and are doing them right. You are praying. You are getting counseling. You are treating your husband with love and respect. We cant change the past, so please do not beat yourself up over past mistakes. Please forgive yourself, and focus on the present.

If you aren`t doing it already, you might think about writing in a journal. It is a great way to express anger, without hurting anyone else. Overtime, you can also note trends and patterns in your thinking.

I will keep both you and your husband in my prayers. No matter what happens, you are doing everything you can to save your marriage, and you should feel proud about that.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Cristiano said:
Do not project your own issues on her. She has clearly realized her faults and she is ready to work on them. Do not get her to play again the blaming game, it looks like that things started that way.
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This is very mean-spirited and hurtful.

Kristen came here asking for advice, and people who are concerned for her and her marriage are giving her their honest recommendations. Kristen is a grown woman and can sort through everyone`s advice and decide what is best for her personal situation. By addresing Kristen in the third person, it makes her sound like a child. She is a smart women doing everything she can to save her marriage. The fact that she is praying, seeking advice from her priest, and receiving professional counseling illustrates this.

Jules, along with the rest of us, expressed her support and prayers for Kristen, and also gave her advice. It is okay for you to disagree with the content of a poster`s advice, but what you wrote above is completely uncalled for, and comes across as mean and judgemental.

I know you made your post with Kristen`s best interests at heart. So did Jules. If you are concerned that the advice someone is giving is destructive, using the PM function, or expressing your opinion without attacking another poster would be more charitable.

CAF is a place where people can seek love and support and feel safe expressing their problems. I hope we will all make sure our comments reflect the care and support we all have for each other.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
kmc404 said:
Cristiano and Jules 11
I am seeing a catholic counselor through my church. What is the right thing to do? I am trying to show with actions how I love him. I take his rejections and just say OK. I am at a loss. I feel that nothing I do will be right. He sees no good in me at all. I continue to pray for guidance and thank you for your thoughts. God Bless you.
Kristen
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Hi Kristen,

You are doing all the right things. You are seeing a Catholic counselor. You are praying with your priest and seeking his advice. You are asking others to pray for you and your husband. You recognized you make mistakes and are learning for them. You are showing your husband the love and mercy that you hope he will show you. You should be very proud of yourself.

Please keep praying and getting counseling. Your husband needs to do the same. But it may take more time for him to make this step. Giving him some space, while letting him know you love him and want to come home, might be the gift he needs from you right now.

He needs to take some responsibility too, because clearly, this is not all your fault. Anytime a relationship starts to falter, failures on both sides are usually involved. But sometimes, timing is everything, and it can backfire to remind him of his mistakes when things are so fragile. I know you are afraid of losing him. But in order to save your marriage, both of you will need to work on it. You need to let him reach the point where he is ready to do this, and ready to accept responsbility.

None of know what will happen. But we know your husband loves you, and that he is a devout Catholic. God loves you too. And we are all praying for you. Sometimes things take more time than we like. But trust in God. No matter what happens, God is right here at your side, and we are here for you anytime you need us.

Hang in there, and keep on praying. Please show yourself the same mercy you are showing your husband.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
kmc404 said:
I now am going to try to be the strength of our marriage and to remain their no matter what my husband does. Almost like Jesus’ unconditional love. To be a safe place for my husband to want to come home to. I pray for strength and peace. Thank you all and God Bless.
Kristen
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I think he is afraid of coming back to the same problems. He is afraid of coming back and getting hurt once more. Afraid of the fights and how things turn out afterwards. If there is name calling and bad words, then that does not make a couple’s fight any easier. I suggest when you get back together to make it a rule to hold back totally on the name calling, screaming, and bad language. That will help tremendously. We are human and we get emotional, but we have to be strong enough to control ourselves from hurting the other person simply because we are hurt. When we get married with become one and therefore, one should treat the other as if it is one self. Treat each other with kindness (it’s got to go both ways) and always put each other first (even before the children). If whenever you are upset, let the other one know by telling the spouse I am angry, sad, happy, etc… without having to scream when you are angry…etc…

Whenever you are thankful about something, always say thank you and describe what you are thankful for to the best possible. I offer you my prayers. I have a feeling that everything will turn out well, if it has not yet, since I just read up to this post that I quoted above.

Keep hanging in there. God works in mysterious ways and it looks that you have had alot of patience. Patience is another key ingredient in anything that we want to succeed in.

God Bless You! 🙂 and hope my 2 cents help, too. 😉
 
jules11 said:
HE LEFT… he has some blame. I am well aware of owning up to your own behaviour, but HE made a vow too and HE is the one that is saying he doesn’t want the marriage. Even if he came back, he needs to accept responsibility for what HE has done wrong or this will happen all over again.
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He isn’t here.

She cannot change him. She can only change herself, and the way she acts/reacts. If God is working on her, He will also work on him. When he joins the discussion, that will be the time to address his part. Until then, as we say in 12 Step Programs… Let go and Let God.

Justifying our own actions based on someone else’s doesn’t work. It just keeps the same behaviors going. Someone has to stop.

He isn’t innocent of any ‘blame’, and will need to own his own actions, including leaving. She cannot make him do so, nor can she be his conscience, attempting to make him feel guilt. That is the work of the Holy Spirit.

Destructive communication has to end with one starting to learn new ways to think, to act, and to express needs/desires. Long ago, I learned that I am the one responsible for what comes out of my mouth, and no one can ‘make’ me say/do anything. I also learned that all those things that I HAD said … had consequences, including consequences that I had never anticipated. I regretted saying them.

The only way to make amends was to learn not to threaten, and to carry through on what I did say. Mean what I say, say what I mean. Honesty, including owning my actions and not focusing on HIS shortcomings.

It does not take two. It takes one to begin. Two can continue what WAS going on, or one can begin to learn other ways to do things that are healthier.
 
Thank you all for your guidance and support and I am taking action. Sometimes against my better judgement I reach out my hand and now I do not have expectations. I spoke with my counselor regarding expectations and she said when you expect something you are not respecting that person. They have their own issues and you cannot put your own issues onto them. I continue to hope and pray for my husband. I do believe that he is hurt and does not want to return to the same situation with fighting and name calling. I have seen the error of my ways and have learned from them. He has so many pressures and I don’t want to add onto them. I can control only me and I am letting him know that I still love him, without any expectations of that love in return. I am still here riding this current and have not given up hope. God bless you all for your thoughts and prayers.
Kristen
 
WICatholic said:
He isn’t here.

She cannot change him. She can only change herself, and the way she acts/reacts. If God is working on her, He will also work on him. When he joins the discussion, that will be the time to address his part. Until then, as we say in 12 Step Programs… Let go and Let God.

Justifying our own actions based on someone else’s doesn’t work. It just keeps the same behaviors going. Someone has to stop.

He isn’t innocent of any ‘blame’, and will need to own his own actions, including leaving. She cannot make him do so, nor can she be his conscience, attempting to make him feel guilt. That is the work of the Holy Spirit.

Destructive communication has to end with one starting to learn new ways to think, to act, and to express needs/desires. Long ago, I learned that I am the one responsible for what comes out of my mouth, and no one can ‘make’ me say/do anything. I also learned that all those things that I HAD said … had consequences, including consequences that I had never anticipated. I regretted saying them.

The only way to make amends was to learn not to threaten, and to carry through on what I did say. Mean what I say, say what I mean. Honesty, including owning my actions and not focusing on HIS shortcomings.

It does not take two. It takes one to begin. Two can continue what WAS going on, or one can begin to learn other ways to do things that are healthier.
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There is nothing here I disagree with. I think people are missing what I was trying to say.
 
I think we all agree Kristen needs to be as merciful and as forgiving, and as patient as possible. I think we all agree now is not the time to discuss mistakes and hurts of the past. Kristen`s husband, needs to decide on his own, that he is commited to improving his marriage. But when things are not going well, it takes the actions of both parties to bring about postive change.

One person cannot save a relationship. It takes two. But at the same time, sometimes one person in the relationship needs to be the more forgiving one, and this takes a lot of strength, patience, and charity. Sometimes one person needs to take the high road. That is the right decision to make, but that does not mean, all the responsibility of past failures lies on their shoulders. All the blame never rests on one person.

I know from my own experience, that sometimes one needs to brush aside past hurts, until the other person is ready to address ways to prevent those things from happening again. But it is all about timing.

Kristen, I will keep praying for you and your husband. I know you think the majority of the responsibility for the problems you are facing now is because of your past actions. Even if that is true, I hope you know in your heart, not ALL of the blame lies on you. While it might not be best to point this out, I don`t want to sacrifice your self-value in the process of saving your marriage. I know you can have both, your self-esteem, and your marriage. It sounds like you and your husband love each other, and God, very much, but have problems communicating. I know that once you learn to communicate beter, a lot of your problems will dissipate.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. We are all rooting for you and praying for you, and every poster on this thread as your best interests at heart. We may have different approaches on how to best save your marriage, and frankly, you should rely on the advice of a counselor, but we are all here for you, any time you need us!

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
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