Husband lied about strip club

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liaeona

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My husband and I got married in June 2016. He and I are both practicing Catholics. We had decided once we got engaged to stop having sex for the 10 months until our wedding so that the wedding night could be really special. (We confessed our premarital sex, yes it was bad, but we realized that and made a change.)

When his bachelor party was coming up, I was super clear to him and all of his friends planning the party that strip clubs were a hard no for me. He told me that he had no interest in strip clubs anyway. The bachelor party came and went, and I was given the impression that there were no strippers. I even bragged about how I knew that I was marrying the right guy because they went golfing and to cool bars instead and he didn’t betray my trust.

Fast forward almost two years, and I found out last night through a friend who is dating one of my husband’s best friends that the friend went to a strip club on my husband’s bachelor party. I confronted my husband (unfortunately via text because, as luck would have it, he was flying to Vegas for a weekend with these same guys) and he admitted it. He also admitted that his friends paid for a lap dance for him, and he touched the stripper’s back and stomach. He is so apologetic and seems to really regret it, but I am so beyond hurt right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m hurt that:
  1. He went to a strip club knowing it would hurt me
  2. He got a lap dance and touched the stripper (this is cheating per the definition of our relationship)
  3. He paid to be more intimate with a stripper than he and I had been in nearly a year
  4. He didn’t tell me about it
  5. He lied to me about it
  6. He never would have told me about it
  7. This means that he is willing to lie to me
  8. His friends knew exactly how I felt about strip clubs and encouraged him to go anyway, which shows they don’t respect me or our relationship, which is sad because I consider some of them to be my friends
This was so out of character for him, and I’m honestly in shock that it happened. I just can’t comprehend that he would do this or betray my trust like this. Had I found out about this before we were married, it would have given me serious pause about marrying him. Now that we are married (and have a kid), this isn’t grounds for divorce for me or anything, but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this or move past it. I don’t think he would ever do something like this again (he went to confession immediately), but how can I trust my judgement of him when I thought before that he wasn’t capable of something like this? I feel so hurt that he blatantly disregarded my feelings all for one “wild night” and even more hurt that he hid this from me. I feel like it’s a bad dream and I keep hoping that I’ll wake up. How do we fix this? How do we rebuild the trust? How do we move past this? I feel so broken. I have had a gnawing pit in my stomach since last night, and he isn’t even here for me to talk to in person. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I just feel so powerless and isolated and so unbelievably sad and angry. I would appreciate any advice.
 
I hate to seem insensitive but this seems like a storm in a teacup.
A groom to be normally has no control over where his friends take him for a bachelor party.
He admitted to touching her back and stomach. Come on!
He went to Confession soon after.
Frankly, suck it up and get on with your lives. if that is the worst thing that you have encountered in your life/marriage then you are lucky.
 
He definitely had the ability to say no, and to refuse a lap dance. He was involved in the planning the trip. They took a trip to Arizona, not a place you have to go to a strip club. He is a grown man who can stand up for what is right. And he never told me about it.
 
thistle said:
A groom to be normally has no control over where his friends take him for a bachelor party.
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No, no, and again, No.
My husband had a serious talk with his friends about this and everyone knew that stuff like this isn´t possible. If they tried, he´d leave and would have been very angry with them. And even if someone would like to stay, there is absolutely no force to touch that woman.

Those guys seem to be the opposite of a strong christian friendcircle (sorry, vegas alone sounds bad).
He should think very hard about searching new, real friends who don´t want to see their buddy causing marriage trouble with his spouse.
 
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In the context of your entire relationship, what kind of man is your husband? Do you believe he is otherwise open and honest with you? Do you believe in the two years of your marriage has he been faithful, or has he given you any indication that fidelity is something you should be concerned about? Just things to think about as you process this situation.
 
Makes me wonder about the Vegas trip without his wife. Folks don’t usually go to Vegas with pals for the weekend in order to tour the Churches of the area.

He lied, you found out.

Has he taken this to confession? If so, God has forgiven him.

Now you decide if you will forgive him and if you can trust him.
 
liaeona said:
he was flying to Vegas for a weekend with these same guys
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Ummm… Vegas doesn’t look good either.😐 I think there needs to be an open and honest talk about these “friends” and his “trips”.
 
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I am so sorry that your husband has done this to you. You have every right to feel angry and, in fact, to feel cheated on. You were. I can tell you, without a doubt, had I known my husband would have an affair, I never would have married him. What is worse for you is that your fiance knew that you might not have married him if you knew and he purposely kept what happened from you.

Sadly, you will see advice like this all over these forums on the topic of affairs. “Don’t tell the injured spouse. S/he might divorce you and that would break up the marriage.” Every time this happens, I explain, usually to deaf ears, that it is the affair not the telling that breaks up the marriage. Your fiance took it a step further. He decided that he wanted his “fun” and also the marriage in spite of knowing that you might not consent to it. Furthermore, he obviously colluded with these “friends” in keeping it from you for 2 years and still hangs out with them - even taking a weekend trip to Vegas. (?!)

I am not saying these things to help rile you up - no doubt you already are. There are some resources I always suggest: Affair Recovery Center and Shirley Glass. ARC is a Christian organization devoted to helping couple heal after infidelity (which this is). Glass is considered the expert in affair recovery.

I do not usually suggest seeing a priest as they are rarely well trained in affair recovery. In your case, however, you probably do need to see one as marital consent may be lacking.

Your husband has a new main job which will be helping you to feel safe again. Perhaps this means he gets on the next plane home. Perhaps he cuts off all ties to these “friends.” Perhaps he stops all tempting male outings (with proof of where and when). It will take time, but you can feel safe again.

Please do not ask him any more questions right now. If your mind is spinning with them, write them down - there will be time to ask later. Look through some of the resources on ARC. He must know that he has to tell you the whole story and answer all questions (although asking you if you are sure you want to know is a legitimate response). If he lies or withholds information from you during this period, it will make it much more difficult to work through when you find out.

Many blessings to you. And again, I am so sorry.
 
thistle said:
I hate to seem insensitive but this seems like a storm in a teacup.

A groom to be normally has no control over where his friends take him for a bachelor party.

He admitted to touching her back and stomach. Come on!

He went to Confession soon after.

Frankly, suck it up and get on with your lives. if that is the worst thing that you have encountered in your life/marriage then you are lucky.
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Seriously?

Are you for real?

The groom has no control over where his friends take him? So if his “friends” decide to pay for him to have sex with a prostitute he has to go along with that?

That is just a ridiculous comment.
 
Up until you found out about this, how was your marriage? Good? You mention you have a child. How is that going? Happy family?

This is history you are talking about. No problem being mad about it and talking it over with your husband. But to hold on to it is to create drama for yourself. If you love drama, keep holding on to it. If you don’t, then let it go.

Bachelor’s Parties are bad ideas. Always. This is why. It happens. It is disappointing to the wife. Always.

Live in the present, and move on.

Now on the other hand, if your marriage has been rocky and your home life is a mess… Well that isn’t because of the bachelor party either. The bachelor party didn’t make or break what came after it. If you married a loser, you should have known that about him well before the bachelor party. And if you married a good man, who misbehaved before you were married (the bachelor party), then the bachelor party didn’t change him from a good man to a bad man. Be glad you have a good man.

I am sure you have done things in your life that weren’t " your proudest moment". Did you want to tell everyone about it? Probably not. Same for your husband. Leave it alone and move forward. Unless you married a bad man. In that case, my advice would be to move on.
 
AdamP88 said:
Are you for real?

The groom has no control over where his friends take him? So if his “friends” decide to pay for him to have sex with a prostitute he has to go along with that?

That is just a ridiculous comment.
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You obviously can’t read. The OP did not say her husband had sex with anyone. She said the girl in the bar did a lap dance and he touched her back and stomach. I don’t know where you get either “sex” out of that or with a “prostitute”. The OP never said either of these things. Please stop making things up because these are ridiculous comments!!
 
thistle said:
I hate to seem insensitive but this seems like a storm in a teacup.
A groom to be normally has no control over where his friends take him for a bachelor party.
He admitted to touching her back and stomach. Come on!
He went to Confession soon after.
Frankly, suck it up and get on with your lives. if that is the worst thing that you have encountered in your life/marriage then you are lucky.
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How cruel. The bible says that a man who looks at a woman has committed adultery. What her husband did was sinful. She has very right to be hurt because what he did is not only wrong but he lied and promised her he wouldn’t
 
thistle said:
I hate to seem insensitive but this seems like a storm in a teacup.

A groom to be normally has no control over where his friends take him for a bachelor party.

He admitted to touching her back and stomach. Come on!

He went to Confession soon after.

Frankly, suck it up and get on with your lives. if that is the worst thing that you have encountered in your life/marriage then you are lucky.
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Ditto, bachelor parties are more for the other attendees.
I expect his mates paid for the lap dance.
If he told you right away, you still would feel he did it to intentionally hurt you

Focus on his character and actions as a husband, practice forgiveness so this one incident before you both gave your vows doesn’t poison the relationship. Now, I’m not saying you should ignore it, just be open to forgiveness that he didn’t follow your command.

How did you actually hear all the details of the outing? Seems like someone is intentionally trying to harm your relationship.
 
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OP, I hope you are finding some time to be with our Lord this weekend.

I do agree with the others that you need to consider the kind of man he is and has been.

At the same time, other posters don’t seem to realize that it doesn’t matter if the infidelity happened yesterday, 2 years ago or 20 years ago. The day you find out is just as difficult no matter when it happened. (And we have to acknowledge that he kept it from you possibly keeping you from having informed consent to the marriage, he hasn’t cut off ties from these disrespectful “friends,” and continues to go on outings such as going to Vegas.)

Not knowing either of you, I firmly believe that you will be able to forgive and move on from this blip in your marriage. It just doesn’t feel like a blip right now. Again, I strongly recommend that you do not bombard him with questions when he gets home. Certainly let him tell his story (with a reminder that anything he keeps out will only hurt more when you find out). Write down any questions that you have to address later and possibly over time.

My prayers . . .
 
So. We tried talking everything out last night. I had him tell me all the details of that night from start to finish. He said it was one lap dance that his friends paid for, and they picked the stripper, and that it was at the table, but they did stay at the strip club for 2 hours and he “might” have thrown some of his own money on stage. I asked at the end if there were any details he wasn’t telling me. He hesitated then said no. I caught the hesitation and pushed him to tell me what he wasn’t saying. He admitted that there were three lap dances, they were in a separate room, and that he paid for one of them himself and picked the stripper (each lap dance was with a different girl). I cannot believe he would lie to my face again like that, especially when part of the whole problem was him lying to me. He slept in the guest room last night. We’ve never not slept in the same bed, but I was feeling suffocated by his presence and I couldn’t fall asleep with him in the bed. Just why keep lying? Why is it so easy for him to lie to my face? How can I trust him?
 
Let’s start at the end. Trust. It is a big word. And it is one you don’t need to worry about right now. Safety is your current goal. Your husband has to make you feel safe again. You feel rightfully betrayed and you don’t trust. You can’t feel trust in him until he makes you feel safe again.

When you talk next, remind him again that further lies will only make things worse, and then ask him to tell you if there is anything else you should know. If there are further revelations, do your best not to “punish” him in the moment. Certainly you can express your emotions, but you do want to encourage conversation. Try to avoid any questions, unless it is to clarify something he said that you don’t understand. Write down all of your questions to review after 24 hours so that you can be sure you want/need the answers. If there are too many for him to answer at one time, then ask over time. Again, look into Affair Recovery Center and More Than Friends, by Shirley Glass.

I pray that you feel God’s hand on you and your family during this very difficult time. Others have been through it and gotten through it.

(And don’t listen to anyone who tells you “at least it was only…” Your husband’s betrayal is yours alone. It doesn’t compare to mine or anyone else’s. Honestly, I have heard worse stories and better stories than my story, and I wouldn’t trade my husband’s betrayal for another. I find that is true for others as well.)
 
liaeona said:
So. We tried talking everything out last night. I had him tell me all the details of that night from start to finish. He said it was one lap dance that his friends paid for, and they picked the stripper, and that it was at the table, but they did stay at the strip club for 2 hours and he “might” have thrown some of his own money on stage. I asked at the end if there were any details he wasn’t telling me. He hesitated then said no. I caught the hesitation and pushed him to tell me what he wasn’t saying. He admitted that there were three lap dances, they were in a separate room, and that he paid for one of them himself
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Drama. You are perpetuating the drama. What difference does any of this make? You already knew what happened, at least the main points. I don’t know what you are trying to accomplish.
 
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“Buck up because there are others who have worse things” is called cold comfort.
 
He is going to Vegas with his same friends and without you!!!
Red flags are popping up for me.
 
It may not make sense to you, but for me to move on, I needed to know the entirety of the scenario, or I would always wonder and visualize and drive myself crazy. And I’m glad I did ask because it turned out he was still lying to me, which shows that this isn’t just something that happened two years ago—it is an ongoing and very current problem.
 
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