Husband lied about strip club

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Objectively, for anyone, infidelity immediately prior to marriage is most certainly possible grounds for an annulment. In any case, the OP should talk with a priest or two about this whole situation. I would also never trust my husband again, at least not without serious counseling and demonstrating there is no other sexual addiction and behavior going on. Going to Las Vegas for guys ’ weekends is the opposite of what I’m talking about.
 
What infidelity immediately prior to marriage says is this: “I am not able to make a permanent commitment of life - long fidelity at the altar.” Talk with a canon lawyer, or a few! I’m sure they would say that could be strong grounds. (Not that she is guaranteed to get an annulment, but that she would have a strong case to be decided by the particular tribunal. )
 
Catrye said:
What infidelity immediately prior to marriage says is this: “I am not able to make a permanent commitment of life - long fidelity at the altar
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I don’t know how you come to this conclusion. There is before the wedding. And there is after the wedding. A very clear line of demarcation. Not married vs. Married.

Make no mistake. I think what he did is terrible.
 
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QwertyGirl said:
I don’t know how you come to this conclusion. There is before the wedding. And there is after the wedding. A very clear line of demarcation. Not married vs. Married.
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What is that supposed to mean? Infedilitey before marriage is ok? Anything goes before marriage?

Would you not expect your fiance to be faithful until after the vows?
 
AdamP88 said:
What is that supposed to mean? Infedilitey before marriage is ok? Anything goes before marriage?

Would you not expect your fiance to be faithful until after the vows?
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This wouldn’t have set well with me. My husband didn’t have a bachelor party. Why? Because we know what bachelor parties are about. He had no interest in it. His interest was in me.

If you are engaged, and your fiance is all about the bachelor party, it sort of sets the scene for how he is feeling about things. If you want to have a pre-marriage party. Have one. My cousin just had one. It was a jack and Jill party, couples celebrating the upcoming wedding.

In answer to your question, being married and not being married aren’t the same thing. Some people see it very clearly, others don’t. I guess this would be a good thing to talk about as a couple before getting too far into the engagement.
 
There is a big difference between before you are married and after you are married! In neither case is it okay to go to strip clubs. Ever. Bachelor parties do not have to be sinful. You can go out for drinks or go golfing or whatever you want, and nothing impure has to happen.
An annulment just says the marriage never occurred because there was a problem with the promise. If you promise to be faithful at the wedding and you are not faithful right before or right after your vows, that shows you did not have what it takes to make the promise to be faithful in your marriage, so no marriage ever occurred (i.e. the marriage is null=zero).
If you are engaged, you are still promising to be faithful to your fiancee unless you break off the engagement. Breaking that promise with strippers is a) hugely immoral and b) a sign that the person has sexual addiction and is unable to be trustworthy.
 
Now wait a minute, mister. He didn’t even kiss her. I think you’re being a little premature with suggesting an annulment when you barely know the situation apart from a few small paragraphs here. I imagine most marriages in America could be annulled with a little bit of bureaucracy but I wouldn’t go around suggesting it apart from situations of physical abuse. Sin doesn’t invalidate the promise of for better or worse.
 
I disagree with this. My husband ran away from his bachelor party when it got out of hand. By “ran away”, I mean he walked home from the neighborhood bar after sneaking out while his friends stayed and got up to who knows what.

Bonus for me he was well-rested the next morning and the wedding went off without a hitch.

To the OP. I think you need to have a conversation with your husband when he gets back from his current trip about your expectations, and let his know that this friend group is on notice. There better not be any funny business on these trips…

Agree with Deacon Jeff that it’s way out of line to be talking about divorce or annulment. However, it is definitely cause for talking to a marriage counselor.
 
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Thankyou Deacon Jeff!!!
I have been thinking of responding for two days, but did not know quite how to say what I was thinking. You are spot on.
 
True. But you know what it says in the bible about not forgiving people. As I recall it’s against it.
 
Forgiveness does not mean trust will automatically be restored. In fact, it may be foolish to do so. It sounds like the OP really wants to trust again, but is finding it very difficult when faced with her husband’s dishonesty - it’s not only the initial behavior, but the covering it up. It will take time and a lot of effort from both of them for trust to be re-established.
 
Hello.

It’s really difficult for me to empathize here, but I do hear your hurt.

Counseling & forgiveness can be helpful sometimes.

You are in my prayers. Please pray for me.
 
What makes this so difficult is the “trickle truth”… Unfortunately, this is what my husband did to me. What is worse and more painful than the actual act of infidelity is not confessing. My husband still has not confessed to me. Even though in my heart I know that he had a lap dance in a private room and has been to several strip clubs. I also know that he went to dinner with a female co-worker several times. He still refuses to confess. My intuition has never lied to me. I also have a lot of strong circumstantial evidence and have caught him in lies. My husband will tell a lie to cover the lie. It is so frustrating. I wish that he would just come clean, because this would help restore trust in our marriage and I would have peace in my heart. Sadly, he doesn’t see it this way. He thinks by telling me the truth that I would be crushed and hurt. This is true, however, I am hurt more, because he refuses to confess and tell me exactly what happened.
 
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Sin certainly does not invalidate the promise for better or for worse. Neither does physical abuse.

But you can say the words of a vow and not mean them.

If someone forces you to marry someone, you may say the words of the vow, but they are meaningless or null-- therefore you can get a declaration of nullity of the marriage, right?

Similarly, if you “promise” someone with your words to be faithful to them but are being unfaithful days before or after you make the vow, especially if you are lying about your actions before or after, you can say the words of marriage and not have them mean anything. The vow to be faithful is a lie.

Like you can tell your kids “i promise we’re going to get ice cream tomorrow,” but if you don’t get ice cream tomorrow your words don’t mean anything.

Infidelity does not just mean “having sex with someone else”. Having a lap dance with a stripper (and we already know the husband lied about it multiple times and in different ways so we have no idea if that was all), is 100% infidelity. Ask ANY priest in the world. I’m really concerned that people here don’t think gross sexual immorality with a prostitute (stripper) is major infidelity.

Also WHAT on earth is the husband doing with his guy friends in Vegas? We don’t know, but given the guy’s history with lying, the wife may never know. The husband might be better at lying now. He has already shown himself not to be trusted.

If you’re lying about important matters relating directly to your marriage (prostitutes, bachelor party) right around the time of your wedding, it casts your promise to be married into extreme doubt.

I’m not a tribunal certainly but it would make perfect sense to me if this marriage was found never to have existed (since the husband’s promise seems so defective and untrustworthy), which is all a declaration of nullity means.

With annulments, the church does not dissolve marriages that already exist. That is impossible for anyone – what God has joined etc.

It just declares that the particular marriage in question never existed, because one or both of the people involved did not have the ability or intention to make a permanent vow.
 
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I’m just curious what you mean by zero evidence of infidelity—he admitted to getting several lap dances and touching the strippers. That is 100% infidelity. I’m not looking to get a divorce, and we are going to counseling to work on this, but I don’t agree with your classification of this act.
 
I completely agree that rushing to divorce/annulment in this case is bad advice.

However, the Church does, as far as I can tell, consider it adultery for a man to view pornography. It’s doesn’t have to be a “real” person. He is engaging in virtual sex with another person or persons who are not his wife. If this fiance’/husband is attending strip clubs and putting his hands on another woman in a sexual manner, and fantasizing about having sex with her, that’s adultery.
 
That’s fine. I still disagree. He lusted after another woman with his eyes and his hands, at the least.
Matthew 5:27-28.
 
Absolutely agree with you! I’m surprised that a deacon would say otherwise. Our priest (and others in the diocese) has been pretty firm in his homilies about this.
 
Does anyone know the exact bible verse when Jesus allows divorce? I believe one is:

“That everyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery.”

“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

What is the difference between fornication, sexual immorality and adultery?
 
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