Husband not supportive of new more modest wardrobe

[fpt]

Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks

You do not have to be:* a “mormon wife”, a “conjugal nun”, a “victorian wife”, a “puritan wife”, a “jansenist wife”, a “prudish wife”, an “uptight wife” and a “scrupulous wife”.
*
You have to be a wife for your husband,** in the respect of the natural moral order**: rights, obligations and duties toward him. The fact of pleasing him and of satisfying him,* in the respect of the natural moral order, is your obligation of wife.* He is your first devotion, by principle.

 

[Galbin]

To your first comment, I think that’s pretty ridiculous. If substituting jean skirts for jeans make my husband run for some other woman then he can stay.

And secondly, I told you guys that I’m not interested in fashion or changing the price tag of the clothes I wear, just the modesty level. And this is why I stay off the forums, ask for encouragement and get the fashion police. How quickly I forget.

Thanks all who gave encouragement and good suggestions, and forget all you who wanted to make negative comments about my marriage and drudge up old posts, and critique my lack of style. Next time remember why I stay away, I don’t have thick enough skin to deal with y’all.

Check out biubiu.pl and urkye.pl for shirts that fit the bust and waist. Basically the way their clothing works is that it comes in normal clothing sizes but has extra room in the bust. So you can find shirts that fit at the bust without being too big at the waist. They are located in Europe., but their shipping isn’t expensive. Campbell and Kate also do shirts like that and they are American, but they are quite an expensive brand.

I am sorry that people’s comments hurt your feelings. However I think that ppl are just worried. Nobody likes to see someone living with who is “mean” and who threatens their wife/

 

[underacloud]

However, what the heck is wrong with dressing in a way that your husband likes? This is not about “controlling” what your spouse wears, but rather, recognizing that your spouse loves you, chose you to be their one and only, and putting forth a little effort to make them feel like you still care about sexual excitement and attraction in your marriage.

…

I would actually go so far as to say that not caring if your husband finds you attractive is unhealthy.

Well said.

If I wore a denim skirt everyday, I don’t think my dh would be too happy. Many are shapeless and drab.

Long denim skirts and short leather skirts are not the only 2 choices.

If my wife wore something like what the OP posted a picture of, I would make my thoughts very clear. It is drab. And if she took to wearing such attire frequently, I would worry that she’d stopped caring that I find her attractive at all. I think both spouses should give strong consideration to presenting themselves attractively for their spouse, as part of the broader marriage debt owed and to stoke the flames of marital affection.

 

[EasterJoy]

If my wife wore something like what the OP posted a picture of, I would make my thoughts very clear. It is drab. And if she took to wearing such attire frequently, I would worry that she’d stopped caring that I find her attractive at all. I think both spouses should give strong consideration to presenting themselves attractively for their spouse, as part of the broader marriage debt owed and to stoke the flames of marital affection.

I’ve worn things not a lot different, and I can assure you the intention is not to look drab. Look at the blouse–nice feminine colors. She is wearing a skirt in order to look feminine, I’m sure. I don’t want to do a fashion break-down, but if the blouse were with jeans or even if the skirt were paired with a white lacy blouse that ended about where the last broad stripe does, her look would be very different. It’s just that the clothing designer didn’t design that particular blouse to be worn outside a skirt, that’s all. (That and the denim is a bit too stiff for a skirt that long.)

 

[underacloud]

I’ve worn things not a lot different, and I can assure you the intention is not to look drab. Look at the blouse–nice feminine colors. She is wearing a skirt in order to look feminine, I’m sure. I don’t want to do a fashion break-down, but if the blouse were with jeans or even if the skirt were paired with a white lacy blouse that ended about where the last broad stripe does, her look would be very different. It’s just that the clothing designer didn’t design that particular blouse to be worn outside a skirt, that’s all. (That and the denim is a bit too stiff for a skirt that long.)

We could discuss the merits of any particular piece of clothing or combination, but it’s somewhat beside the point. The point I think is more relevant, which I think you picked up on yourself earlier, is that her husband does not like this attire, and spouses ought to make an effort for each other in this regard.

 

[EasterJoy]

We could discuss the merits of any particular piece of clothing or combination, but it’s somewhat beside the point. The point I think is more relevant, which I think you picked up on yourself earlier, is that her husband does not like this attire, and spouses ought to make an effort for each other in this regard.

The problem is that one spouse sees “you aren’t trying” and says so, only the other spouse* is* trying and thinks she’s doing as well as a decent woman can, not seeing that the modesty of what she’s chosen isn’t really why it is unattractive, so she assumes her husband wants her to dress like a street walker. Feelings are hurt, distance grows in, and a little thing like clothes can be one of the little things that add up to something fatal to the marriage.

There are nuns who have more attractive habits than the outfit she had on, and I say that so bluntly only because I’ve picked out stuff like that for myself. I can see the good things she’s trying to do, but the problem is not that the outfit is modest or that it is practical. The problem is that it violates aesthetics. In tune is in tune, harmonious colors and lines are harmonious colors and lines, and some things aren’t open to self-definition. I don’t get to write the rules of aesthetics, she doesn’t either, and we need to accept that.

Her husband may be a bad choice to help her, because he probably isn’t going to choose things with a hemline she likes. That is very common. If she gets some help and describes the problem she’s having, though, she can probably find something that maybe isn’t as revealing as he would like, but that definitely lets him know she does care whether or not she’s dressing in a way that is attractive to him. He may tell her he’d like the skirts shorter, but he won’t be able to complain that she’s not choosing clothing that becomes her.

 

[Stillsosola]

Thanks all for the (name removed by moderator)uts. I wasn’t trying to bring up any past issues and Im certainly not looking for “leave him” advice. I like my jean skirts and the shirts too. Ive never been a fashionista. I hate spending money on clothes. I tend to shop second hand or places like Ross, Burlington, TJMaxx etc where I feel like I am getting more for my money. My goal here is to be out of jeans as my daily clothes. I want to be in skirts, I now own 4 jean skirts 2 long two short, and maybe 10 other types of shirts and 4 dresses. Im finally at the point were I am stocked up and can slowly build up and be more choosy. The jean skirts are a key right now as they can go with all my shirts that I used to wear with jeans. Here is an example of an outfit he didn’t like. I don’t think its that bad. You can’t please them all, Id rather please there Lord. I don’t think my pendulum has swung too far. The other was similar cut shirt in a shiny purple with a dark washed knee length jean skirt. One problem I am having is that Im a bit big busted so stuff that fits my chest that doest over emphasize that area, tends to be baggy around the stomach, giving me a block shape. i1352.photobucket.com/albums/q660/LMCParker/7f218ace-f13c-469c-81b0-e2944ea8cab6_zpsab0f9b37.jpg

Well denim skirts are comfortable but they are very unattractive, and you might consider maybe getting your shirts tailored if they hang around the waist it’s not very expensive if you shop around for a tailor. I would suggest maybe peasant skirts as an alternative since they are bit more attractive and a modest peasant top for a boho look. I hate skirts actually since I was forced to attend a strict evangelical private school that made all the girls wear long denim skirts maybe thats why I find them not cute.

My husband is like yours in the sense he dislikes my clothes now too, I wear loose fitting black tops all of my tops are black and loose but not baggy jogging pants or jeans since I look kind of goofy in skirts And he will whine and complain about how he misses the girl he married I normally just explain to him that as a married woman showing your goodies is an occasion for sin and in Mexico where I live rape and he quit saying anything once I explained the motives behind it.

Have you tried explaining to him your motives to dress modest? Have you discussed that it’s an occasion to sin for others?

 

[marylauravicuna]

go to Nordstrom rack and find some good wool skirts, floor length cotton and black leather (knee length) skirts. Do whatever it takes to make a good impression on your man, don’t let him not find you attractive!!!

Denim skirts are not my favorite either.

Find a hip leather jacket. Don’t sacrifice modesty for good clothing. Modesty does not mean loss of quality.

Thanks for the links.

 

[SusanneT]

I think it’s perfectly possible to dress modestly, almost exclusively in skirts & dresses and with an eye to budget and practicality without looking drab or dowdy, but you do have to get used to looking for the right clothes.

Dare I say it, is there anything wrong with trying to dress to look attractive for your husband ?

 

[NFPWife]

OP, When you posted you said you wanted, “encouragement.” I’m not sure what “encouragement” looks like to you, but I’m guessing that you wanted everyone to virtually pat your back and tell you you’re right and should persist in this style of dress.

You said, “I’d rather please the Lord.” Do you think it pleases the Lord that you’re refusing to take your husband’s desires into consideration? Easter Joy has already given you the Scripture verses regarding your responsibilities to your husband. If you’ve decided that you are moving forward in your marriage and want things to move in a better and positive direction, being stubborn and digging in on this does lend itself to that goal. You’ve selected a position 180 degrees from what your husband desires. I can’t imagine that that “pleases the Lord.”

As I said before there’s a need for compromise between the two of you. This could be a really good topic for the two of you to practice negotiation, boundary setting, communication skills, and compromise.

To the outfit you posted, someone has suggested this and I have to second it. Getting your shirts tailored would be a good idea and should cost no more than $8 or so.

 

[The_Bucket]

PS To clarify, I was not suggesting that you get legal advice so that you could leave your husband. I suggested you get legal advice so that you won’t lose your children, should he preemptively decide to leave you. People usually don’t mean it when they begin to throw around threats like that, but they have this way of coming around to their own talk.

Always take that kind of talk very seriously. Don’t let it be thrown around as if it means nothing. The more often words like that are repeated, the more likely they are to be fulfilled. Think very seriously about things you yourself say, things like “If substituting jean skirts for jeans make my husband run for some other woman then he can stay.” That is a flippant way to talk about something as serious as adultery and the breakup of your family, whether the possibility is likely or not and whether you mean to do it or not.

This. First and foremost this.

Second… I’m glad NFPWife said it first. Mostly because it’s probably best that women raise a bit of an objection to the wardrobe posted before a guy like me chimes in.

Look, my wife is flat-out gorgeous. And I would not love her less if she started wearing stuff like you posted OP. But I would raise an eyebrow. Or two. Or three! Don’t take it as some kind of personal affront, but I think what you posted is… well… not flattering. To a very significant degree. And it does give off the “mormon/quiverfull/fundamentalist” vibe. Basically, as EasterJoy said, it looks like a non-Catholic religious habit for a lay mom.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

This. First and foremost this.

Second… I’m glad NFPWife said it first. Mostly because it’s probably best that women raise a bit of an objection to the wardrobe posted before a guy like me chimes in.

Look, my wife is flat-out gorgeous. And I would not love her less if she started wearing stuff like you posted OP. But I would raise an eyebrow. Or two. Or three! Don’t take it as some kind of personal affront, but I think what you posted is… well… not flattering. To a very significant degree. And it does give off the “mormon/quiverfull/fundamentalist” vibe. Basically, as EasterJoy said, it looks like a non-Catholic religious habit for a lay mom.

I agree. You can definitely dress modestly without looking like a “mormon/quiverfull/fundamentalist”

 

[The_Bucket]

And I certainly don’t mean to rain on anyone’s standards of decorum/decency/modesty. But as I’ve stated repeatedly in other threads, I think “modesty” is primarily about modest of heart, modesty of eyes and modesty of spirit. One can be completely nude and be more modest than someone else wearing sweatpants.

My wife is all about wanting to ensure certain standards. But she frequently wears dresses that end an inch or two above the knee, runs in a sports bra and shorts, loves to wear shorts when it gets real hot, etc. The way she carries herself, however, makes it clear that she’s not trying to attract the wrong kind of attention. Doesn’t hurt that she frequently has a few kids hanging on to her at all times too.

 

[Walking_Home]

And I certainly don’t mean to rain on anyone’s standards of decorum/decency/modesty. But as I’ve stated repeatedly in other threads, I think “modesty” is primarily about modest of heart, modesty of eyes and modesty of spirit. One can be completely nude and be more modest than someone else wearing sweatpants.

My wife is all about wanting to ensure certain standards. But she frequently wears dresses that end an inch or two above the knee, runs in a sports bra and shorts, loves to wear shorts when it gets real hot, etc. The way she carries herself, however, makes it clear that she’s not trying to attract the wrong kind of attention. Doesn’t hurt that she frequently has a few kids hanging on to her at all times too.

---

 

[Walking_Home]

Well denim skirts are comfortable but they are very unattractive, and you might consider maybe getting your shirts tailored if they hang around the waist it’s not very expensive if you shop around for a tailor. I would suggest maybe peasant skirts as an alternative since they are bit more attractive and a modest peasant top for a boho look. I hate skirts actually since I was forced to attend a strict evangelical private school that made all the girls wear long denim skirts maybe thats why I find them not cute.

My husband is like yours in the sense he dislikes my clothes now too, I wear loose fitting black tops all of my tops are black and loose but not baggy jogging pants or jeans since I look kind of goofy in skirts And he will whine and complain about how he misses the girl he married** I normally just explain to him that as a married woman showing your goodies is an occasion for sin and in Mexico where I live rape** and he quit saying anything once I explained the motives behind it.

Have you tried explaining to him your motives to dress modest? Have you discussed that it’s an occasion to sin for others?

---

I see Mexico is still hanging on to a rape culture that blames the woman for being raped. And – I will say – thinking like this – fuels said rape culture.

 

[Galbin]

I see Mexico is still hanging on to a rape culture that blames the woman for being raped. And – I will say – thinking like this – fuels said rape culture.

I agree. Rape is not about women looking sexy. It’s about people who have a lust for power and becoming sexually aroused by dominating and violating others.

 

[fpt]

Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks

In my humble opinion, you are influenced by some non catholic movements who are around you. Be careful; be prudent; be free; be moderated; be on the middle; do not be prudish, puritan, crazy, weird, fundamentalist and co, morally speaking. You need to discuss with you husband, you need to agree with the fact of finding a conjugal compromise with your husband. You have to purify your own mentality and your own view on the praxis of the notion of female modesty in the garment. Do you have the good acception of the notion of female modesty for a wife?

The fact of pleasing him and of satisfying him via the clothing, in the respect of the natural moral order, is your obligation of wife. By principle, your husband is your first devotion. Go shopping with him. A conjugal relooking of you and of him via the clothes, for helping your marriage!!!

You are a wife, not “a conjugal nun”. Do you know what it means?* Do you know the different aspects of your state of female spouse?* Did you enter into the marriage, intellectually speaking, spiritually speaking, morally speaking, physically speaking, “garment-ly speaking”?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

In my humble opinion, you are influenced by some non catholic movements who are around you. Be careful; be prudent; be free; be moderated; be on the middle; do not be prudish, puritan, crazy, weird, fundamentalist and co, morally speaking. You need to discuss with you husband, you need to agree with the fact of finding a conjugal compromise with your husband. You have to purify your own mentality and your own view on the praxis of the notion of female modesty in the garment. Do you have the good acception of the notion of female modesty for a wife?

The fact of pleasing him and of satisfying him via the clothing, in the respect of the natural moral order, is your obligation of wife. By principle, your husband is your first devotion. Go shopping with him. A conjugal relooking of you and of him via the clothes, for helping your marriage!!!

You are a wife, not “a conjugal nun”. Do you know what it means?* Do you know the different aspects of your state of female spouse?* Did you enter into the marriage, intellectually speaking, spiritually speaking, morally speaking, physically speaking, “garment-ly speaking”?

I agree with this completely. Best post on the thread.

I actually have a cloistered nun as a close relative. We talk often about the differences in our marriages, and it’s fascinating to me. But needless to say, there are very real differences in how we fulfill our obligations to our husbands. Here’s prefers habits, mine likes skinny jeans, high heels, and a tunic sweater.

 

[EasterJoy]

Basically, as EasterJoy said, it looks like a non-Catholic religious habit for a lay mom.

No, that is just it! Religious habits are the most non-revealing clothing any contemporary woman is ever likely to wear, but they make aesthetic sense in the age they are in. Habits have or at the very least imply waistlines. The fabric drapes in a graceful way. Twenty women dressed in religious habits could be described as picturesque. “Not that bad” is not ever going to look good in pictures, no matter how you turn it.

When you look at clothing that is well-conceived, it looks good. It suits the person wearing it and the activity she has chosen to do. In contrast, the OP described the outfit she chose as “not that bad.” I have learned to tell myself that “not that bad” is my code to myself as “bad, but I’ll wear it, anyway.” Bad is bad. If the parts are good but the combination is bad, try again. It will not become good by repetition or wishful thinking.

I am willing to tell her this only because I would spare her the mistakes I have made. She will not look back on that outfit fondly, because it is, objectively speaking, a mistake. It is not a “we aren’t wearing that right now” mistake, but a “that is never ever going to be in style” mistake. (I mean the combination. I’m willing to believe the skirt itself could be redeemed by sandals and a better choice of blouse, even though the cut was meant for a fabric with far more drape. It also looks a bit sloppy for the tee to hang out under the shirt: that element does not add to modesty!)

As for the husband, even a blind pig finds an acorn once in awhile. He may be wrong a lot of the time, but it is not reasonable to expect him to like that particular outfit. You are asking him to lie through his teeth, and that is not fair.

 

[fpt]

Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks

Like a new catholic lay person (a convert, cf your profile), you need to avoid overreactions by contrast to your past. The scrupulism, the scrupules, the culpabilism, the pessimism, the negativism, the puritanism, the shame, the strong culpability, the fundamentalism and Co do not have to drive your new life. You need to understand the deep rules of Catholicism: the balance, the middle, the moderation, the respect of your conjugal state (your rights, obligations and duties of wife toward him, toward yourself and toward God). Talk to your husband. Discuss with your catholic priest: ask questions.

You have to be attractive for your husband, in the respect of the natural moral order. You have to seduce your husband, in the respect of the natural moral order, You have to please and to satisfy your husband, in the respect of the natural moral order. You have to keep near you your husband, in the respect of the natural moral order. You have to respect the moral feelings of your husband, in the respect of the natural moral order. You have to regulate the wrong effects of the concupiscence of your husband, in the respect of the natural moral order.