Husband not very open to life

[SilverLight]

Is it possible your husband suffers from depression or anxiety? That could make it very difficult for him to assess your situation.

This is very possible indeed.

 

[SilverLight]

I must admit, I am very surprised at the responses the OP received.

The primary purpose of marriage is children - the Church has taught this for millenia. To entertain anything else is heretical - no matter the reasoning or rationalization.

The main problem I see in all of this is as a guy, I know what happens when we try to abstain - we end up looking other places - often that other place is pornography.

Whether you believe NFP is right or not (yes, some people believe it is wrong), it can EASILY become a gateway for pornography abuse and addiction.

Get to a priest as a couple as soon as possible!!!

My parents could not conceive and tried so hard to do so and I was eventually adopted. Sometimes due to natural things people can not have children.

I worry personally what would happen if I have children also due to me having ADD, Dyslexia and Anxiety. I do not want another child to have to go through what I did.

 

[Xantippe]

I won’t argue with you as to your intentions, but your bitterness is hardly veiled.

Well, Kelfa was very naturally objecting to the idea that wives need to be always at the ready to throw themselves onto the hand grenade of their husband’s libido, no matter what the cost to themselves or their children.

That sounds disgusting because it is disgusting.

 

[Kelfa28]

I won’t argue with you as to your intentions, but your bitterness is hardly veiled.

Reading posts like that makes my blood boil.

Call it bitterness if you want.

I call it 3 kids in less then 4 years.

I call it difficult pregnancies with excruciating pain.

I call it post partem depression, severe in first and third children.

I call it financial issues that my husband and I cannot escape from.

I call it lack of sleep.

I call it no break from fertility, despite exclusive breast feeding around the clock.

I call it zero intimacy with my husband for five months.

I honestly don’t know why I do this to myself. Posting here and seeing ignorant posts that drive me nuts.
Posts that tell me I’m not a good and faithful Catholic if I don’t want anymore children. Ever.

I’m already questioning my faith on a daily basis. This site makes it way worse.

I’m done. Thank you CAF.

 

[SilverLight]

Reading posts like that makes my blood boil.

Call it bitterness if you want.

I call it 3 kids in less then 4 years.

I call it difficult pregnancies with excruciating pain.

I call it post partem depression, severe in first and third children.

I call it financial issues that my husband and I cannot escape from.

I call it lack of sleep.

I call it no break from fertility, despite exclusive breast feeding around the clock.

I call it zero intimacy with my husband for five months.

I honestly don’t know why I do this to myself. Posting here and seeing ignorant posts that drive me nuts.
Posts that tell me I’m not a good and faithful Catholic if I don’t want anymore children. Ever.

I’m already questioning my faith on a daily basis. This site makes it way worse.

I’m done. Thank you CAF.

Look I understand this site makes you nuts it does for me also.

I’m 23 and have a hard enough time with deciding what to do with my life already and seeing posts about having to get married and have kids is something I do not need. Seeing as I am not sexually active and seem to have no drive to be right now.

Which slightly makes me wonder is something wrong with me? My last ex boyfriend has slightly turned me off from dating guys I think for a while.

You don’t have to keep having children if you do not want to. I am an only child to a Catholic mother and Presbyterian father. I am also adopted to add.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, Kelfa was very naturally objecting to the idea that wives need to be always at the ready to throw themselves onto the hand grenade of their husband’s libido, no matter what the cost to themselves or their children.

That sounds disgusting because it is disgusting.

+1

 

[Filius]

Wow, I’ll remind myself not to post in the women’s lib section of this site next time.

You all are living proof of how society’s “progress” has and will destroy the family.

I suppose I should be careful - next thing I know I’ll be lambasted for saying gay “marriage” is against Church teaching.

 

[SilverLight]

Wow, I’ll remind myself not to post in the women’s lib section of this site next time.

You all are living proof of how society’s “progress” has and will destroy the family.

I suppose I should be careful - next thing I know I’ll be lambasted for saying gay “marriage” is against Church teaching.

Now hold on a second. I can understand that some people may feel pressured by the church in some ways. However not every woman does as far as I know. I am a woman and even I am careful with these subjects.

May I ask how this will destroy the family though?

 

[mwncheesehead]

Wow, I’ll remind myself not to post in the women’s lib section of this site next time.

You all are living proof of how society’s “progress” has and will destroy the family.

I suppose I should be careful - next thing I know I’ll be lambasted for saying gay “marriage” is against Church teaching.

Filius, I’d quit if I were you. Btw Xantippe I wasn’t at all defending Filius and his cloddish, uncalled for comments. I took issue with Kelfa’s seemingly all-encompassing generality that men are masturbating, porn-addicted perverts who disrespect their wives and their bodies. I agree that thanks to posters like Filius who have no tact, i can understand the hurt that results from those types of comments.

 

[Xantippe]

Wow, I’ll remind myself not to post in the women’s lib section of this site next time.

You all are living proof of how society’s “progress” has and will destroy the family.

I suppose I should be careful - next thing I know I’ll be lambasted for saying gay “marriage” is against Church teaching.

Just as abstinence may be a source of temptation to some married men (and some married women) to use pornography and engage in non-procreative acts, it’s also true that non-stop pregnancies can be a source of temptation to both sexes. The physical, emotional, and economic burdens of childbearing and a growing family can make both contraception and sterilization look increasingly attractive.

If a husband insists on treating his wife as a sort of handy blow-up doll for dealing with every flicker of the libido, he may be creating an intolerable situation at home and an intolerable degree of temptation for his wife.

The three theological virtues are faith, hope and charity. The four cardinal virtues are fortitude, justice, prudence and temperance. Charity and pretty much all of the cardinal virtues come into play with deciding when to use NFP or when to abstain.

 

[Xantippe]

Filius, I’d quit if I were you. Btw Xantippe I wasn’t at all defending Filius and his cloddish, uncalled for comments. I took issue with Kelfa’s seemingly all-encompassing generality that men are masturbating, porn-addicted perverts who disrespect their wives and their bodies. I agree that thanks to posters like Filius who have no tact, i can understand the hurt that results from those types of comments.

 

[pianistclare]

Wow, I’ll remind myself not to post in the women’s lib section of this site next time.

You all are living proof of how society’s “progress” has and will destroy the family.

I suppose I should be careful - next thing I know I’ll be lambasted for saying gay “marriage” is against Church teaching.

Give. Me. A. Break.
You make a statement alleging that women are to blame for porn addictions (with no statistical backup) and you expect a lot of respect?

What kind of glass house do you live in?

I’ll say this: you can’t take it back now that’s it’s on the internet forever…but you can change your way of thinking. That would be more charitable.

 

[pensmama87]

Wow, I’ll remind myself not to post in the women’s lib section of this site next time.

You all are living proof of how society’s “progress” has and will destroy the family.

I suppose I should be careful - next thing I know I’ll be lambasted for saying gay “marriage” is against Church teaching.

This thread has nothing at all to do with a husband’s sexual dissatisfaction. The husband is the one choosing to abstain during the fertile period because he does not desire additional children. We don’t know why that is. For me, it’s a huge stretch to say, based on the OP, that it’s the fault of NFP or that he “isn’t getting enough.”

I think it is a really dim view of men that says sex is the only motivator of their behavior, and you’re the only one who seems to be promoting that.

If you’d like to clarify, I’d be happy to hear it.

 

[Xantippe]

This thread has nothing at all to do with a husband’s sexual dissatisfaction. The husband is the one choosing to abstain during the fertile period because he does not desire additional children. We don’t know why that is. For me, it’s a huge stretch to say, based on the OP, that it’s the fault of NFP or that he “isn’t getting enough.”

I think it is a really dim view of men that says sex is the only motivator of their behavior, and you’re the only one who seems to be promoting that.

If you’d like to clarify, I’d be happy to hear it.

Yes.

For all we know, the OP’s husband may be quite happy with their intimate life.

 

[MariaHope]

Thank you to those of you who have offered advice and prayers on my situation. The conversation seems to have gone off the rails somewhere along the way…
We really don’t have any problems with my husband demanding sex, making me feel used, or turning to pornography/infidelity. We also obviously do not have the challenge of many young children born back-to-back. These are pretty much the opposite of our problems

I do understand very well the reasons my hubby is afraid to have another child right now, and we have talked about it many times. It’s not that he doesn’t want another child ever, but it seems there is always another reason to postpone. Even after all with been through with infertility he does not seem to grasp the real urgency of the situation. Even if we start trying today there is a good chance I will not be able to conceive again - I just don’t want to have those “what if’s” questions when we look back and realized we shouldn’t have waited.

If I’m being honest my deeper worry is that most of his fears come back to a lack of trust in God and his understanding of the purpose of marriage. He doesn’t have a strong Catholic upbringing and it really shows through at times like this. He has the very worldly mentality that all of your ducks must be in a row before you have kids - the truth is no one ever has all their ducks in a row. I would like for us to talk to a priest but it feels so awkward and embarrassing to bring up. Plus they are so busy with so many more important things. Are there books or other ways that he could learn and grow in this area?

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you to those of you who have offered advice and prayers on my situation. The conversation seems to have gone off the rails somewhere along the way…
We really don’t have any problems with my husband demanding sex, making me feel used, or turning to pornography/infidelity. We also obviously do not have the challenge of many young children born back-to-back. These are pretty much the opposite of our problems

I do understand very well the reasons my hubby is afraid to have another child right now, and we have talked about it many times. It’s not that he doesn’t want another child ever, but it seems there is always another reason to postpone. Even after all with been through with infertility he does not seem to grasp the real urgency of the situation. Even if we start trying today there is a good chance I will not be able to conceive again - I just don’t want to have those “what if’s” questions when we look back and realized we shouldn’t have waited.

If I’m being honest my deeper worry is that most of his fears come back to a lack of trust in God and his understanding of the purpose of marriage. He doesn’t have a strong Catholic upbringing and it really shows through at times like this. He has the very worldly mentality that all of your ducks must be in a row before you have kids - the truth is no one ever has all their ducks in a row. I would like for us to talk to a priest but it feels so awkward and embarrassing to bring up. Plus they are so busy with so many more important things. Are there books or other ways that he could learn and grow in this area?

1. If he doesn’t seem to grasp the urgency, can you take him to one of your appointments and have your doctor spell it out?
2. Don’t worry about your priest having “more important things” to deal with. This is plenty important.
3. I don’t think a book is going to do it.
4. You’ve been using language about your husband (like “selfish” in the OP and “worldly” here) that may not be fair. There’s a level of anxiety that you are describing in him that goes well beyond typical. You wrote in the OP:

“My husband is always worried about something - money, burn out, sleep deprivation, international trips to visit his family, jobs, etc and he always wants to postpone more. I feel he is being incredibly selfish and not trusting God and not being grateful for the miracle we were given. Is there something I can do to help change his attitude?”

I think the anxiety is the thing to work on. He should talk to his doctor and he may need therapy and maybe even medication.

1. Bear in mind that parenthood may be taking a lot more out of your husband than it is taking out of you, so be compassionate to him. His worry and anxiety is probably causing him a lot of suffering, even if it is completely groundless.
2. That said, if he’s living far from his family, international travel to see his family and his homeland isn’t a frill, anymore than it would be a frill if you were living abroad and wanted to see your family back home on a regular basis–family relationships are important and they are worth investing in. And yes, it will be harder and more expensive to travel with 2 small children than with just one.

 

[pianistclare]

1. If he doesn’t seem to grasp the urgency, can you take him to one of your appointments and have your doctor spell it out?
2. Don’t worry about your priest having “more important things” to deal with. This is plenty important.
3. I don’t think a book is going to do it.
4. You’ve been using language about your husband (like “selfish” in the OP and “worldly” here) that may not be fair. There’s a level of anxiety that you are describing in him that goes well beyond typical. You wrote in the OP:

“My husband is always worried about something - money, burn out, sleep deprivation, international trips to visit his family, jobs, etc and he always wants to postpone more. I feel he is being incredibly selfish and not trusting God and not being grateful for the miracle we were given. Is there something I can do to help change his attitude?”

I think the anxiety is the thing to work on. He should talk to his doctor and he may need therapy and maybe even medication.

1. Bear in mind that parenthood may be taking a lot more out of your husband than it is taking out of you, so be compassionate to him. His worry and anxiety is probably causing him a lot of suffering, even if it is completely groundless.
2. That said, if he’s living far from his family, international travel to see his family and his homeland isn’t a frill, anymore than it would be a frill if you were living abroad and wanted to see your family back home on a regular basis–family relationships are important and they are worth investing in. And yes, it will be harder and more expensive to travel with 2 small children than with just one.

+1

 

[pensmama87]

1. If he doesn’t seem to grasp the urgency, can you take him to one of your appointments and have your doctor spell it out?
2. Don’t worry about your priest having “more important things” to deal with. This is plenty important.
3. I don’t think a book is going to do it.
4. You’ve been using language about your husband (like “selfish” in the OP and “worldly” here) that may not be fair. There’s a level of anxiety that you are describing in him that goes well beyond typical. You wrote in the OP:

“My husband is always worried about something - money, burn out, sleep deprivation, international trips to visit his family, jobs, etc and he always wants to postpone more. I feel he is being incredibly selfish and not trusting God and not being grateful for the miracle we were given. Is there something I can do to help change his attitude?”

I think the anxiety is the thing to work on. He should talk to his doctor and he may need therapy and maybe even medication.

1. Bear in mind that parenthood may be taking a lot more out of your husband than it is taking out of you, so be compassionate to him. His worry and anxiety is probably causing him a lot of suffering, even if it is completely groundless.
2. That said, if he’s living far from his family, international travel to see his family and his homeland isn’t a frill, anymore than it would be a frill if you were living abroad and wanted to see your family back home on a regular basis–family relationships are important and they are worth investing in. And yes, it will be harder and more expensive to travel with 2 small children than with just one.

It’s a very easy habit to get into, but I would especially caution about labelling your husband’s motivations. As much as you can, I’d treat him like he’s on your team even when you’re disagreeing. It can be toxic to treat him like an adversary when there are lots of other possible motivations for his behavior.

 

[MariaHope]

OK, thank you. I think you are right I need to be more empathetic with my husband and giving him the benefit of the doubt. It’s a very raw subject for many reasons. It’s not that he doesn’t have some valid concerns, and I do acknowledge those, they just don’t seem big enough to risk not ever having children again. I want my daughter to have at least one sibling. I also hope we are not abusing NFP - I thought you were not supposed to use it with a contraceptive mentality. Maybe we aren’t but it sure feels like it to me and it weighs on my conscience.

He does have some issues with ADHD and anxiety and we have been to doctors but he doesn’t want to take the medication that has been prescribed for him. I don’t know what to do about that other than pray. We’ve also been to multiple counselors about various issues and it has helped some; he’s not interested in doing that anymore though as he feels we’ve gotten all out of it that we can, and I tend to agree with him.

I will try to talk to him about talking to a priest. I think he will be too embarrassed but maybe I can gently convince him.

 

[pianistclare]

OK, thank you. I think you are right I need to be more empathetic with my husband and giving him the benefit of the doubt. It’s a very raw subject for many reasons. It’s not that he doesn’t have some valid concerns, and I do acknowledge those, they just don’t seem big enough to risk not ever having children again. I want my daughter to have at least one sibling. I also hope we are not abusing NFP - I thought you were not supposed to use it with a contraceptive mentality. Maybe we aren’t but it sure feels like it to me and it weighs on my conscience.

He does have some issues with ADHD and anxiety and we have been to doctors but he doesn’t want to take the medication that has been prescribed for him. I don’t know what to do about that other than pray. We’ve also been to multiple counselors about various issues and it has helped some; he’s not interested in doing that anymore though as he feels we’ve gotten all out of it that we can, and I tend to agree with him.

I will try to talk to him about talking to a priest. I think he will be too embarrassed but maybe I can gently convince him.

It may be a cultural thing. He may not view the meds as something a head of household would/should need.
Stress that you pay Doctors a lot of money for their expertise, and if the Physician says he needs the medications, then he ought to consider that the guy just might know something. No wonder he’s anxious! He is dismissing professional opinion, not just yours.
Ask him if he would think it was reasonable for YOU to dismiss a Dr.'s advice for yourself or your child. NO, he wouldn’t. Tell him that whether or not you ever have another child by the grace of God, the child he DOES have and wife he DOES have should have a healthy and high-functioning daddy and spouse.
It’s his proper place in the family dynamic to set an example of being able to admit that he’s got anxiety issues and to deal with them in conventional ways. Not hide from them.
Nothing manly about that.
In other words…use his fears to shine a light on how they impact the family.
He might be right about some of the issues, but these things need not debilitate us. Prayer is not going to help much when we won’t help ourselves out of despair.
A big part of our Christian life is HOPE and TURST. Help him get some.