Husband Okay with Wife Watching Porn?

[elise526]

Hey everyone,

I’m brand new here and had to ask a question. I’m upset with my husband right now and want to know if I am overreacting.

Our conversation started about him watching a show that involves a lot of nudity and sex scenes in every episode (and also a lot of violence). He says he doesn’t watch it for the sex scenes but he likes the show. It really bothers me that he can watch movies and shows with graphic violence and sex scenes because I feel like that would make anyone become “numb.” And honestly, I don’t know how a guy can watch a scene of a naked woman doing sexual things with a man without getting some kind of sexual satisfaction from it. It makes me feel the same way as I would if he watched some porn on the computer, I really don’t see a difference.

Anyway, the conversation progressed to the topic of pornography and he said that he would not have a problem with me looking at porn to get “turned on” as long as I only had sex with him. As far as I know, he doesn’t watch porn himself (he says he doesn’t), but I think it is only because he knows it would hurt me, not because he thinks it is actually an immoral thing to do, as evidenced by the fact that he wouldn’t have a problem with me watching it.

I really didn’t know until now that that’s how he felt about the subject. I know he is just being honest with me but now I feel angry, hurt, and betrayed in a way. Am I being too much of a prude? What can I say to him about all of this?

 

[Jon_S_1]

Hey everyone,

I’m brand new here and had to ask a question. I’m upset with my husband right now and want to know if I am overreacting.

Our conversation started about him watching a show that involves a lot of nudity and sex scenes in every episode (and also a lot of violence). He says he doesn’t watch it for the sex scenes but he likes the show. It really bothers me that he can watch movies and shows with graphic violence and sex scenes because I feel like that would make anyone become “numb.” And honestly, I don’t know how a guy can watch a scene of a naked woman doing sexual things with a man without getting some kind of sexual satisfaction from it. It makes me feel the same way as I would if he watched some porn on the computer, I really don’t see a difference.

Anyway, the conversation progressed to the topic of pornography and he said that he would not have a problem with me looking at porn to get “turned on” as long as I only had sex with him. As far as I know, he doesn’t watch porn himself (he says he doesn’t), but I think it is only because he knows it would hurt me, not because he thinks it is actually an immoral thing to do, as evidenced by the fact that he wouldn’t have a problem with me watching it.

I really didn’t know until now that that’s how he felt about the subject. I know he is just being honest with me but now I feel angry, hurt, and betrayed in a way. Am I being too much of a prude? What can I say to him about all of this?

I will be blunt.

If that is your husbands attitude about porn, I would have to say he is likely viewing it.

As far as the TV show, you have valid concerns, but it is a bit more of a gray area. I wouldn’t sweat the TV show too much.

It’s far more concerning that he sees porn as a sexual tool you can use. I would think he gets that from using it himself as a tool.

Check your computer 'a history.

If it’s cleared or there is not more than a weeks worth of history it’s because he’s wiping the history after looking at it.

Check his phone too.

If you discover he is looking at porn be very gracious but firm it needs to stop.

Regardless get some priestly counseling for the both of you.

 

[elise526]

I don’t think he looks at porn, but I could be wrong. I might confront him about it though. We use Firefox for our browser and there is a private browsing option that he could use if he looked at porn, so there’s no way I would know just by looking at the history. We share a cell phone and it’s not one of those newfangled things so that’s not really an issue.

As far as the TV show, how is it a gray area? What makes two people, naked and having sex, on a TV show different than two people having sex in a movie “labeled” as porn? Heck, even Playboy magazines are just pictures of naked women, which is considered porn. Seems like a show with naked people doing sexual things is more explicit and worse than that…

Honestly, if someone watches a show or movies with scenes like that, it would numb them to it. Really, considering my husband watches it, I guess I’m not really very surprised about his attitude toward pornography.

 

[1ke]

Is he a Catholic?

 

[elise526]

Yes he is, though not super strong in his faith.

 

[Jon_S_1]

I don’t think he looks at porn, but I could be wrong. I might confront him about it though. We use Firefox for our browser and there is a private browsing option that he could use if he looked at porn, so there’s no way I would know just by looking at the history. We share a cell phone and it’s not one of those newfangled things so that’s not really an issue.

As far as the TV show, how is it a gray area? What makes two people, naked and having sex, on a TV show different than two people having sex in a movie “labeled” as porn? Heck, even Playboy magazines are just pictures of naked women, which is considered porn. Seems like a show with naked people doing sexual things is more explicit and worse than that…

Honestly, if someone watches a show or movies with scenes like that, it would numb them to it. Really, considering my husband watches it, I guess I’m not really very surprised about his attitude toward pornography.

There are settings in Firefox (I believe) Safari has them that can disable private browsing. I’d look into that.

It’s a gray area because if it is artistic and a critical part of the story than it’s not porn. The naked statue of David is not porn. The tons of nude art in the church is not porn. This theory carries over into other artistic mediums.

Now, if it’s one of those HBO shows that just has gratuitous sex scenes then it’s porn, but in general it really depends on how it’s portrayed.

 

[elise526]

Okay I will look into that for Firefox, thank you.

And yes it is indeed an HBO show with lots of sex.

 

[josie_L]

Okay I will look into that for Firefox, thank you.

And yes it is indeed an HBO show with lots of sex.

Yes, there are quite a few shows on HBO that are very sexualized, i.e., True Blood being one of the more raunchier series.

 

[1ke]

Get rid of movie channels/HBO.

There are many resources such as dads.org and CAF has a book on recovering from porn. Encourage him to meet with your priest. His conscience is seriously malformed, and he is the only one who can properly form it.

 

[arnoldoe]

But it’s the season finale of Game of Thrones today

 

[SighGuy]

I am not really sure whether digging around behind your husband’s back is appropriate or not. I could be corrected, but I’ve never seen this sort of thing end well. It only seems to start a cycle of mutual distrust. If he was telling the truth and finds out you had to check on him, how much would he despise your lack of faith in him? All I’m saying is, when you confess to your priest, he doesn’t follow you around afterwards checking your internet to make sure you’re “really sorry” if you said that you were.

Personally I find it loathsome, excepting extraordinary circumstances. But I don’t teach with the authority of the Church here.

Is your husband logically-minded, or does he operate on a more emotional level? If he’s logically-minded, it might be easier to persuade him to follow the Church’s authority (which logically-minded people should understand with a decent presentation say from a Dr. Scott Hahn) without immediately understanding why porn is wrong-- just that it is.

Start here: youtube.com/watch?v=j2xYspl4PS8 That’s number one of three. If you can convince your husband that the Church has authority, then he intellectually may submit to its teachings and that might be the best way to start for him, instead of trying to change his mind directly.

Anyways, I try to remember this:
Those who enjoy country music are entertained by country music festivals.
Those who enjoy impressionist art are entertained by art museums.
What sort are entertained by gratuitous violence and explicit sex?

This doesn’t mean you can’t watch the Walking Dead which has violence in it-- the Walking Dead is a tale of good vs evil, not about violence or sex. Don’t take it too extremely. But when we’re dealing with a show that’s constantly throwing these things in our face, we must ask ourselves: what is this *really *about, and what does it say about me that I enjoy it?

Most of all, be charitable in the way that you deal with him. Whose sake are you arguing for? Yours, or God’s? If it is God’s, then act in a way that would be commended by God.

 

[Jon_S_1]

I am not really sure whether digging around behind your husband’s back is appropriate or not. I could be corrected, but I’ve never seen this sort of thing end well. It only seems to start a cycle of mutual distrust. If he was telling the truth and finds out you had to check on him, how much would he despise your lack of faith in him? All I’m saying is, when you confess to your priest, he doesn’t follow you around afterwards checking your internet to make sure you’re “really sorry” if you said that you were.

Personally I find it loathsome, excepting extraordinary circumstances. But I don’t teach with the authority of the Church here.

Is your husband logically-minded, or does he operate on a more emotional level? If he’s logically-minded, it might be easier to persuade him to follow the Church’s authority (which logically-minded people should understand with a decent presentation say from a Dr. Scott Hahn) without immediately understanding why porn is wrong-- just that it is.

Start here: youtube.com/watch?v=j2xYspl4PS8 That’s number one of three. If you can convince your husband that the Church has authority, then he intellectually may submit to its teachings and that might be the best way to start for him, instead of trying to change his mind directly.

Anyways, I try to remember this:
Those who enjoy country music are entertained by country music festivals.
Those who enjoy impressionist art are entertained by art museums.
What sort are entertained by gratuitous violence and explicit sex?

This doesn’t mean you can’t watch the Walking Dead which has violence in it-- the Walking Dead is a tale of good vs evil, not about violence or sex. Don’t take it too extremely. But when we’re dealing with a show that’s constantly throwing these things in our face, we must ask ourselves: what is this *really *about, and what does it say about me that I enjoy it?

Most of all, be charitable in the way that you deal with him. Whose sake are you arguing for? Yours, or God’s? If it is God’s, then act in a way that would be commended by God.

Just to clarify,

I wasn’t advocating going behind her husbands back. If he’s not looking at porn he should have no problems with private search being disabled. As for checking history, that’s something people should just do from time to time for a variety of reasons.

 

[SighGuy]

“If he’s not looking at porn he should have no problems with private search being disabled.”

I agree with this and I apologize if I have misrepresented your advice on the subject.
Personally I do not agree with the follow-up point (checking history) but that is a matter being purely my opinion and thus up to individual judgment (unless it is shown one way or the other through the Church).

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Get rid of movie channels/HBO.

There are many resources such as dads.org and CAF has a book on recovering from porn. Encourage him to meet with your priest. His conscience is seriously malformed, and he is the only one who can properly form it.

Um, why? What is he recovering from?

Quite frankly, all we know is that he likes a show that sounds like Game of Thrones and he has a liberal attitude towards his wife watching porn. This does not sound like he needs to “recover” from porn.

And really, if his wife unilaterally gets rid of HBO because she doesn’t want him to watch his favorite show, he can, should, and will resent her for her efforts to parent him, and he can, should, and will watch the show online.

 

[elise526]

We don’t have HBO, or even cable or satellite TV. He watches online.

I know he’s watched a lot of porn in the past. We actually got rid of the internet for a couple years because of it… and that was his idea, not mine. That’s why I’m pretty shocked about what he said.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I can’t dictate over him and make him do what I say, but at the same time I do consider the show pornographic. I feel the same way about him watching the show as I would if he was watching porn. It makes me feel like ****. Telling him this does not make him stop watching the show, and I can’t force him to stop, so I guess I’m just stuck feeling like **** about my husband watching nude sex scenes on an almost daily basis.

 

[bmaj]

We don’t have HBO, or even cable or satellite TV. He watches online.

I know he’s watched a lot of porn in the past. We actually got rid of the internet for a couple years because of it… and that was his idea, not mine. That’s why I’m pretty shocked about what he said.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I can’t dictate over him and make him do what I say, but at the same time I do consider the show pornographic. I feel the same way about him watching the show as I would if he was watching porn. It makes me feel like ****. Telling him this does not make him stop watching the show, and I can’t force him to stop, so I guess I’m just stuck feeling like **** about my husband watching nude sex scenes on an almost daily basis.

As a wife, I feel your hurt and understand what you’re going through. We have been through that in our marriage and at times are still in your shoes, unfortunately. It sounds to me like the shows he’s watching online are truly porn, even though they’re “just tv shows.” And watching them may be bringing him right back to where he used to be when he was “watching a lot of porn in the past.” It may make him feel less guilty about the sinning because they’re “just tv shows,” but they’re still porn and still sinful, and it’s a habit that’s extremely hard to break. I would highly recommend speaking to a Priest (either together or just you if he won’t agree to that) and/or a Catholic/Christian counselor (again, either together or just you if he won’t go). You and/or any other women reading this and going through the same thing may wish to also join the CAF support group titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” (see top tool bar). It deals specifically with this very common issue. It has also helped me tremendously to ask for Our Blessed Mother’s, St. Monica’s, and St. Michael the Archangel’s intercession and help. God can do amazing things, but we do have to do what we can also and keep the lines of communication open with Him - and in a gentle way with our spouses, too, to try to combat this very effective tool of satan which exists everywhere in this world today.
Please know that you and your marriage are in my prayers.

 

[1ke]

Um, why? What is he recovering from?

Porn.

Quite frankly, all we know is that he likes a show that sounds like Game of Thrones and he has a liberal attitude towards his wife watching porn. This does not sound like he needs to “recover” from porn.

Game of Thrones is a form of porn. Malformed consciences abound and try to say it is “not that bad”. About 99% of what is on TV is that bad. Remember, this is a Catholic site, not an atheist one, and morality is not based on whatever is mutually agreeable. It is based on objective standards.

And really, if his wife unilaterally gets rid of HBO because she doesn’t want him to watch his favorite show, he can, should, and will resent her for her efforts to parent him, and he can, should, and will watch the show online.

I did not say to unilaterally get rid of anything.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Porn.

Game of Thrones is a form of porn. Malformed consciences abound and try to say it is “not that bad”. About 99% of what is on TV is that bad. Remember, this is a Catholic site, not an atheist one, and morality is not based on whatever is mutually agreeable. It is based on objective standards.

I did not say to unilaterally get rid of anything.

It is not porn, not in the least. You may find it offensive, or sexually explicit, but it isn’t porn. Porn has one purpose, and it is to cause sexual arousal. This series is a complex political drama set in a rich, complex, fantasy world. Millions of people watch it every week-and the sex scenes have nothing to do with it. It is quite possible, and if the threads on CAF about it are to be believed, indeed likely that men and women alike (even devout Catholics) enjoy the show because of the deep, winding plot and interesting characters. (Also, it got a lot of attention for its sexual content first season, but it has noticeably been toned down.)

Approaching her husband with “you need to recover” would be uncharitable and offensive, and it would probably cause him to shut down right away. It assumes that he is watching this show for sexual gratification-when that is probably not the case. In today’s world, if he wanted to watch porn, he would probably just use his computer and google it. I mean, really, why sit through an hour of dense plot for maybe a glimpse at breasts?

I’m more against porn that many on this site, and especially when it comes to married people whose spouses are not ok with it. And if she’s uncomfortable with this show, she definitely needs to bring it up lovingly and gently (without accusing) to her husband. But she also needs to be ready to listen to why he likes this show. Who knows, maybe they can compromise? Maybe he can agree to fast forward through the sex scenes, or agree to watch an edited version online.

But if this is proof that her husband needs to “recover” from “porn”, then my 65 year old disabled mother could use some help, as could Jesuit Priest Father Jim McDermott who wrote an awesome article in praise of the show. Or if you do a quick search of the threads about it here, you’ll see that many devout Catholics, some of whom have sought guidance from their priest, enjoy the show without it damaging their faith or leading them into sin.

 

[1ke]

It is not porn, not in the least. You may find it offensive, or sexually explicit, but it isn’t porn. Porn has one purpose, and it is to cause sexual arousal. This series is a complex political drama set in a rich, complex, fantasy world. Millions of people watch it every week-and the sex scenes have nothing to do with it. It is quite possible, and if the threads on CAF about it are to be believed, indeed likely that men and women alike (even devout Catholics) enjoy the show because of the deep, winding plot and interesting characters. (Also, it got a lot of attention for its sexual content first season, but it has noticeably been toned down.)

Approaching her husband with “you need to recover” would be uncharitable and offensive, and it would probably cause him to shut down right away. It assumes that he is watching this show for sexual gratification-when that is probably not the case. In today’s world, if he wanted to watch porn, he would probably just use his computer and google it. I mean, really, why sit through an hour of dense plot for maybe a glimpse at breasts?

I’m more against porn that many on this site, and especially when it comes to married people whose spouses are not ok with it. And if she’s uncomfortable with this show, she definitely needs to bring it up lovingly and gently (without accusing) to her husband. But she also needs to be ready to listen to why he likes this show. Who knows, maybe they can compromise? Maybe he can agree to fast forward through the sex scenes, or agree to watch an edited version online.

But if this is proof that her husband needs to “recover” from “porn”, then my 65 year old disabled mother could use some help, as could Jesuit Priest Father Jim McDermott who wrote an awesome article in praise of the show. Or if you do a quick search of the threads about it here, you’ll see that many devout Catholics, some of whom have sought guidance from their priest, enjoy the show without it damaging their faith or leading them into sin.

Oh well, if millions of people are doing it then it must be just fine.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Oh well, if millions of people are doing it then it must be just fine.

Yeah, millions of people. That’s all I said, that everyone else is doing it.

Look, I pointed to Catholic clergy who disagree with you. Sure, you can hold the view that it is “porn” all you want, but it doesn’t meet any definition of porn, nor is that it’s primary purpose or use. Now, just as you are free to think that it’s porn so is the OP, and that difference in opinion is one that her and her husband will have to find a way to work through.

But your opinion on this one is just that, your opinion. It is not based on any church teaching and it is important to realize that many people, Catholic leaders included, disagree with you.