Husband Refuses to Work

[TLM08]

Hello,

I’m a brand-new forum member and want to pose a question to all of you. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We have a 7 year old son. My hsuband has an engineering degree from a prestgious University. About 12 years ago, he was downsized from his job. He has never returned to the workforce. I fortunately have had a steady, good paying job for which I am blessed and thankful, although I’ve always longed to be a stay-at-home - or at least part time - Mom.

At the time of his job loss, he did search for another job, but not earnestly. He eventually decided to invest in the stock market and real estate. For the first few years, he did well in both. Then he lost interest in the real estate / rental housing investing and started to neglect it. We’ve sold all but two properties; one of which has been vacant for a number of years. He hasn’t visited it in 3 years, and has never made a move to put it on the market or re-rent it. Since 2000, he has made only a handful of investments per year yet he calls this his “job.” He stays up until the a.m. hours (2, 3, 4) watching TV, surfing the net (“researching stocks”), and falling asleep in front of the TV. He sleeps until whenever he wishes in the morning, while I go to work, grocery shop, cook, pay bills, etc.

I’ve attempted to discuss - numerous times ove the past years - his sleep habits, doing more around the house, getting a job, etc. Each time I’m either met with anger - “you’re always tearing me down”, “you’re impossible to please,” “why are you so mean”, etc. Or - excuses like, “you know I can never make as much money as you do”, “just be patient - I can make more money in the market than I can anywhere else - as soon as the market gets better you’ll see.” etc.

I’m now in counseling trying to figure out what’s going on and what to do about it.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you!!!

FROM THE BALTIMORE CATECHISM:

Q. 311. What is sloth?

A. Sloth is a laziness of the mind and body, through which we neglect our duties on account of the labor they require.

Sloth is one of the Seven Capital or Deadly sins. It would do you well to read up on how sloth feeds the other six. To kill any particular vice in life we must actively practice the opposite virtue, which in this case would be devotion, zeal and diligence.This is the best answer I can come up with

 

[mesurman]

Suse B

I agree with BamaRider. Your husband won’t change, why should he. He is acting like a teenage boy. He needs a kick in the pants.
Do you have a man in the family that can talk with him and make him realize in a manly way that he is not acting like man-husband-father should. If he has time to trade online and stay up all night he has time to get a real job and once he does he will start to come around. Be firm and stay the course. Do not enable him to do this any longer.

 

[cthulhubryan]

Yeah buddy,

Hanging out for 12 years while the wife earns the living while the wife is not a brain surgeon and doesn’t want to work is seriously slipping in the “at least try to be like St. Joseph” department. Time to be a man or cut em off and start wearing a dress. Excuse my crudity.

 

[Suse_B]

Thank you all for your replies; it’s what I needed to hear. I could go into detail about all of the stringing along I bought into (“at least we saved $ on daycare”, I got a new job and we moved to a new city so he “couldn’t look for a new job in the midst of our move”, etc). But the bottom line is I took my marriage vows very seriously and kept hoping this would get better. I accept the blame for letting this go on for so long and could spend time beating myself up or focus on what to do about it–Finally.

By the way, his father passed away from cancer about 3 years ago, and I’m sure this affected his depression. His dad did try to talk to him about getting a job shortly after he gave up his search, but didn’t have an impact. At that time he really was making good $ with rentals and investing.

I’m working with my counselor to figure out why I’ve denied and enabled so long. My #1 priority is to protect my son. #2 is to heal myself. #3 is to put a plan together. Facing this is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. My parents and a brother have passed on, so my family support group is small-but strong.

I welcome your prayers for protection and direction.

 

[BamaRider]

hey suze thanks for the update. You sound like you have a good plan. Don’t beat yourself thinking about how y’all got here, the important thing is going forward. Hopefully when he sees the bus is leaving he’ll get on board. But if not, be prepared to implement your plan.

 

[Suse_B]

Well, here’s the latest. I stumbled, quite by accident, upon some “inappropriate” content on the computer. This is the same type of porn that I found about a year or so ago. At that time, I confronted my husband about it and he swore it was the “only” time he’d done it, that he was just curious as it had just popped in his e-mail and so he opened it. Then said it was no big deal and nothing for me to get upset over. Then when I showed him the Catholic view of pornography, he said he hadn’t realized and expressed great remorse and promised not to do it again.

Also, a few days ago I was using the computer later in the evening than I usually do when a message box popped up that I’d not seen before. “Deleting private browser history.” Can anyone tell me specifics of what that is? ( From a techie viewpoint- I obviously have an idea of what this all means.) We use Windows Vista.

I’ve not discussed this with him yet.

 

[whatevergirl]

Sounds like he deleted his website history…and left the computer before the box popped up…sometimes a box will pop up to ask the user…‘are you sure you want to delete…’ etc.etc…

I hope he stops viewing porn. I’ll keep praying for you both.

 

[BamaRider]

Well, here’s the latest. I stumbled, quite by accident, upon some “inappropriate” content on the computer. This is the same type of porn that I found about a year or so ago. At that time, I confronted my husband about it and he swore it was the “only” time he’d done it, that he was just curious as it had just popped in his e-mail and so he opened it. Then said it was no big deal and nothing for me to get upset over. Then when I showed him the Catholic view of pornography, he said he hadn’t realized and expressed great remorse and promised not to do it again.

Also, a few days ago I was using the computer later in the evening than I usually do when a message box popped up that I’d not seen before. “Deleting private browser history.” Can anyone tell me specifics of what that is? ( From a techie viewpoint- I obviously have an idea of what this all means.) We use Windows Vista.

I’ve not discussed this with him yet.

Is he any closer to a JOB??

He just has too much time on his hands and is gettin in trouble on the puter, but stay vigilant. I wouldn’t let him know you’re on to something. You know you could be really sneaky and put some spyware on it. I mean after all it is YOUR puter, since you’ve been paying for everything the last 10 years or so.

 

[Suse_B]

No, no closer to a job. Not even actively looking. As for the spyware, he is very computer saavy and is very smart. He constanly runs antispyware software and would know right away if I tried to use spyware.

 

[kevinsgirl]

No, no closer to a job. Not even actively looking. As for the spyware, he is very computer saavy and is very smart. He constanly runs antispyware software and would know right away if I tried to use spyware.

In that case I’d stop paying for internet at home. It sounds like your DH may be using porn and that is the most direct way to cut it out of your life (and maybe get him out the house looking for a job).

 

[BamaRider]

Welll heck, since you pay the bills, turn his Internet off and see how he likes those apples. Buy ya a laptop with a wireless card and when you’re not in, take it with ya. That way you cut him off and can still tawk to your buddies on CAF.

It’s bad he uses your puter and broadband to do bad stuff, with you paying for for it.

But I still think you need to do what we tawked about earlier.

 

[whatevergirl]

But, if the husband was working and the wife was not…would you have the same opinion, Bama? That it is ‘his’ computer…and she shouldn’t use it unless she works? I see a double standard there. When we marry, our ‘things’ becomes united property. The husband needs to get a steady job–no argument there–but we wouldn’t be telling a man to do that if his wife chose not to work, something tells me. I normally like your advice, Bama…but your advice is treading into double standard territory I think.

 

[kevinsgirl]

But, if the husband was working and the wife was not…would you have the same opinion, Bama? That it is ‘his’ computer…and she shouldn’t use it unless she works? I see a double standard there. When we marry, our ‘things’ becomes united property. The husband needs to get a steady job–no argument there–but we wouldn’t be telling a man to do that if his wife chose not to work, something tells me. I normally like your advice, Bama…but your advice is treading into double standard territory I think.

Actually I would argue that a wife who doesn’t do anything at home should go ahead and get a job. And I’d fully support the husband cutting off the internet or cable if that was her addiction that was preventing her from being a contributing, responsible member of the family.

Do I see anything wrong with a spouse not working (man or woman)? Absolutely not provided there isn’t a strain on the other spouse and they are contributing as much as they can to the care of the children and home. If they are staying home simply to mooch off the hardworking spouse, I have a huge problem with that.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think that’s just putting a bandaid on a much larger problem…I think that the husband in question here, definitely needs to get some counseling and to find a job. No question. But, there seems to be more at work here, than someone addicted to the internet. Just my take.

 

[whatevergirl]

Actually I would argue that a wife who doesn’t do anything at home should go ahead and get a job. And I’d fully support the husband cutting off the internet or cable if that was her addiction that was preventing her from being a contributing, responsible member of the family.

Do I see anything wrong with a spouse not working (man or woman)? Absolutely not provided there isn’t a strain on the other spouse and they are contributing as much as they can to the care of the children and home. If they are staying home simply to mooch off the hardworking spouse, I have a huge problem with that.

I agree with your second paragraph wholeheartedly!

 

[kevinsgirl]

I think that’s just putting a bandaid on a much larger problem…I think that the husband in question here, definitely needs to get some counseling and to find a job. No question. But, there seems to be more at work here, than someone addicted to the internet. Just my take.

I agree that there is a bigger problem, but my first move would be to get rid of the internet since it seems very likely to me that it’s being used for porn. Is that all I would do? No, but it’s the relatively easy first step.

 

[whatevergirl]

Ok…let me reread this thread. I must be missing something. I didn’t read anything about porn when I first read this a few weeks ago.

 

[basilisk]

A spouse of either sex who refuses to pull their weight, whether that means paid work or not, who chooses instead to indulge in disgusting immorality with the computer should definitely have their internet yanked. Not fair to the person who is pulling their weight.

And whatevergirl, I am sure you won’t like hearing this, but to most people, a wife supporting a husband is just different from a husband supporting a wife. In the scenario where the man is a stay at home parent and the family has agreed that that is best for them, then it is perfectly equivalent to a working dad/SAHM situation.

But society looks down on men who WON’T get jobs to support their families, and people look askance at a woman supporting a man like that. It is seen as foolish and unwise. And it is. Men and women are different, and these attitudes are old and based on women needing protection because of the vulnerability and obligations that come with giving life. Whether that is a double standard or not… well, I guess it is, but some of those old-fashioned ideas make more sense than we modern types want to admit.

The fact is, the guy is taking advantage of his wife, and disrespecting her at the same time. He wants her to feed him and pay his bills while he pleasures himself to nasty pictures of what are, most likely, drug addicted sexual abuse victims. I agree with Bama.

 

[whatevergirl]

Ok…stop the presses. I would stop cooking if I was working full time with a husband sitting at home, not cooking, cleaning, or working. That definitely would be an area I’d change. ]

I still don’t see anything about porn. I’m still reading.

 

[whatevergirl]

A spouse of either sex who refuses to pull their weight, whether that means paid work or not, who chooses instead to indulge in disgusting immorality with the computer should definitely have their internet yanked. Not fair to the person who is pulling their weight.

And whatevergirl, I am sure you won’t like hearing this, but to most people, a wife supporting a husband is just different from a husband supporting a wife. In the scenario where the man is a stay at home parent and the family has agreed that that is best for them, then it is perfectly equivalent to a working dad/SAHM situation.

But society looks down on men who WON’T get jobs to support their families, and people look askance at a woman supporting a man like that. It is seen as foolish and unwise. And it is. Men and women are different, and these attitudes are old and based on women needing protection because of the vulnerability and obligations that come with giving life. Whether that is a double standard or not… well, I guess it is, but some of those old-fashioned ideas make more sense than we modern types want to admit.

The fact is, the guy is taking advantage of his wife, and disrespecting her at the same time. He wants her to feed him and pay his bills while he pleasures himself to nasty pictures of what are, most likely, drug addicted sexual abuse victims. I agree with Bama.

why wouldn’t I like hearing this? I don’t advocate men staying at home and not working or taking care of the kids. Why did you preface that like that? I work, but so does my husband. I would feel that my husband was taking advantage of me, if I were in the OP’s shoes.

I’m still rereading to see where the porn activity comes in. That definitely has to stop, if that is going on…and the internet being cut off makes sense, in that case.