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basilisk
Guest
WG, she posted an update yesterday afternoon on page 2 mentioning porn…
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ElizabethPH
Guest
I wonder if he is asking for money? Or large sums to ‘invest’ as you say. I would also be worried about that, if that’s the case. I am hearing of more and more guys that are ‘day trading’ in the market and like Vegas will very rarely gain and always eventually lose. It is a sickness. Some even look at it as a ‘job’ and a legitimate even prestigious way of making money. 
Of course I’m just speculating, but that you mention he invests sometimes…makes me wonder.
Of course I’m just speculating, but that you mention he invests sometimes…makes me wonder.
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whatevergirl
Guest
Oh yes–lol I actually replied to that. Maybe I’m confusing this thread with another.
Bama’s advice stands for the computer being cut off then…I am sorry Bama. 
Okay basilisk…you still shouldn’t have prefaced your sentence using my name like that
…when I don’t feel that way at all. I would never advocate a man choosing to not work, and take advantage of his wife.
Bama’s advice stands for the computer being cut off then…I am sorry Bama. Okay basilisk…you still shouldn’t have prefaced your sentence using my name like that
…when I don’t feel that way at all. I would never advocate a man choosing to not work, and take advantage of his wife.
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basilisk
Guest
WG, I really didn’t mean any offense. You accused Bama of having a double standard. IME, people who react that way are the type who like to deny there are any substantive differences between the sexes. That was why I responded as I did. I never said I thought you advocated people not working.
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BamaRider
Guest
I tried to get at deal like this way back when, when Debbie went to work with this firm, but she said it wasn’t gonna fly. LOL.
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whatevergirl
Guest
Okay…I see. The stupid thing is that I read that part about the porn, and even replied…and forgot I replied. Oh well. When I saw Bama’s reply…I was like…just because he is surfing the net the computer should be cut off?
LOL
Carry on…I will just lurk from now on in this thread. lol
PS–you could remove my name out of your post, basilisk. Just sayin’. It really reads like I think men should stay home and do nothing.
Oh well. When I saw Bama’s reply…I was like…just because he is surfing the net the computer should be cut off?LOL
Carry on…I will just lurk from now on in this thread. lol
PS–you could remove my name out of your post, basilisk. Just sayin’. It really reads like I think men should stay home and do nothing.
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basilisk
Guest
No worries… my kids and DH get exasperated with me all the time because I forget stuff right after I say it! They think I am nuts. I joke about having short-term memory loss.
Can’t edit the post any longer… outside the time limit.
Can’t edit the post any longer… outside the time limit.
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whatevergirl
Guest
It is funny…but then it’s scary. lol I honestly couldn’t remember reading this recently? and POSTING?
I should stay in the clubhouse section…lighter topics there. lol
I should stay in the clubhouse section…lighter topics there. lol
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Suse_B
Guest
Hi Everyone,
I want to give you an update and ask for help. The bus is leaving the station and he’s not getting on board. There have been no changes of substance. He has emphatically stated he will never go to counseling -that it causes nothing but problems. He blames me, our son, the economy, etc etc and will not accept any responsibility. He’s still yelling, bitter, angry, not feeding our son while under his care, still watching tv til 3 or 4 am, etc etc. He has said he “is looking for a job but there’s nothing out there” by sitting at his computer and scanning job postings but not getting out and talking/meeting with anyone. I gave him several sources of contact for free services to do skills assessment/help get back into the workforce but he’s done nothing with them. Our son is now telling other people that he doesn’t need to get good grades in school because he won’t need a job- his wife will work. The other day he mouthed off to me and I told him that was not an acceptable way to speak to his mother. He replied “Dad talks to that way and he doesn’t get in trouble.”. I am so burned out. I need some space apart from him. Not necessarily permanently, but at least temporarily to protect my son and have some peace to pray about the future. I am asking for any words of encouragement you might have. Thank you all.
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basilisk
Guest
I think you are doing the right thing to leave him. Look how he is damaging your son. If you don’t leave, you will be allowing and supporting that damage. And you can’t do that. :console:
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rahrao
Guest
I have only read your initial post, but I wanted to throw an idea out there. Maybe he has low testosterone. I would do a little research on this and see if hormonal unbalance could be affecting his behavior.
Bless You.
Bless You.
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SJG1759
Guest
I agree! Boys learn how to treat women from watching their fathers, and your son is getting a terrible example at home. Get him out of there now so that he’ll have the chance to grow up to be a gentleman. Someday, his wife and kids will thank you.
And maybe, just maybe, you & your son leaving will be a wakeup call for your DH, and he’ll start to mend his ways. It’s a long shot, but it might be the jolt he needs. I’ll pray for all three of you.
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TamM
Guest
I’m so sorry Suse B, that you’re going through this. I’ve been there (though not nearly as long as you have) and I understand some of what you are going through. You have given him more than enough time to get his act together, and he’s done nothing. You’ve done everything you can for your husband and now it’s time to do what you can for your son, as your time with him isn’t indefinite…he’ll be a husband himself in the blink of an eye. Leaving will be hard but watching your son walk in your husband’s shoes will be harder. And when you leave, your husband might change his tune about therapy…
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HOPEFUL_IN_UK
Guest
“Leaving” doesn’t necessarily mean “divorce.” If you leave him, it will be a form of tough love that can actually help him. He needs to get himself straightened out, and your leaving could be what he needs. If he gets straightened out, you may be able to reconcile at a later time.
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Viki63
Guest
The hardest thing I ever did in my life was leave my first husband. I had a counsellor’s support, he was abusive and violent, but it was so hard.
But if I had stayed, my children might have been injured, they would surely have become depressed, and I would have lost all my self respect.
It’s best to have a plan all worked out, so that you can go through the steps in order and not get side-tracked by husband’s pleas or threats.
My plan was: warn him in advance that if such and such happens (or doesn’t happen) you will do whatever it is. Actually it’s your house, isn’t it? You should consult a lawyer (most will give you a free consultation) to find out your rights and protect your property and your son.
So I said, if you hit me again I will leave. Two weeks later he did, (and came close to hurting my two year old also) so I packed, called a friend to pick me and my son up, and left. I stayed with her until I could find a place to rent. I thought it would only be until he went to counselling and we could get back together, but he never chose to. I divorced him 5 years later, and got an annulment later on. No regrets, but I still pray for him.
I’ll be praying for you, that God will bless and keep you.
But if I had stayed, my children might have been injured, they would surely have become depressed, and I would have lost all my self respect.
It’s best to have a plan all worked out, so that you can go through the steps in order and not get side-tracked by husband’s pleas or threats.
My plan was: warn him in advance that if such and such happens (or doesn’t happen) you will do whatever it is. Actually it’s your house, isn’t it? You should consult a lawyer (most will give you a free consultation) to find out your rights and protect your property and your son.
So I said, if you hit me again I will leave. Two weeks later he did, (and came close to hurting my two year old also) so I packed, called a friend to pick me and my son up, and left. I stayed with her until I could find a place to rent. I thought it would only be until he went to counselling and we could get back together, but he never chose to. I divorced him 5 years later, and got an annulment later on. No regrets, but I still pray for him.
I’ll be praying for you, that God will bless and keep you.
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Suse_B
Guest
Thank you so much. This is just the encouragement I need.
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Suse_B
Guest
Hello Everyone,
Well, I did it. My husband and I have been separated since late January. He is living with his mother, and my son and I are living in our house. I’m not sure if he’s truly making - or trying to make - changes or if it’s just surface / for show. He is going to a counselor and has been kinder to our son and to me. On the other hand, he has not admitted he has a problem with abusive anger, has not apologized, and I’ve seen indications of the anger just below the surface. I’m finding it hard to trust him; I fear that if he comes back, eventually the anger will return. In the past he’s gone through periods of being kind, only for the anger to resurface.
Our son is handling this remarkably well. I’m taking him to a child psychologist and that’s helping. A concern is that my husband has told him more than once that he wants to come home but I won’t let him. That’s upsetting to my son and he blames me for being the “bad guy” and not seeing how Dad is nice now.
As for getting a job, he has applied for one job - my brother-in-law knew of an opportunity and literally sat down next to him and walked him through the on-line application. That was four weeks ago and he has yet to submit his resume. Says he keeps “working on it”. It’s a governmental job for which he has to take an exam and the exam is next week. He’s already hinted that he has a sore throat and if it develops into a cough will have to reschedule the exam. This will put him on a list of qualified candidates for when the agency actually does hire for that position. Other than that, he has been “looking at Monster.com every day.” Nothing else.
He believes that since he has gone to counseling and is “looking for a job” that is enough and he’s ready to come home. I want to tell him that I need a husband who HAS a job, and that when he HAS a job we can then talk about him coming home. I’ve spent over 10 years listening to promises, reassurances, excuses, and rationalizations about him not having a job. I need results not more lip service. Do you all think that is a reasonable request?
I have to say I feel great peace and tranquility with him being gone…and I have conflicting feelings of guilt over that.
Thank you for your feedback!
Well, I did it. My husband and I have been separated since late January. He is living with his mother, and my son and I are living in our house. I’m not sure if he’s truly making - or trying to make - changes or if it’s just surface / for show. He is going to a counselor and has been kinder to our son and to me. On the other hand, he has not admitted he has a problem with abusive anger, has not apologized, and I’ve seen indications of the anger just below the surface. I’m finding it hard to trust him; I fear that if he comes back, eventually the anger will return. In the past he’s gone through periods of being kind, only for the anger to resurface.
Our son is handling this remarkably well. I’m taking him to a child psychologist and that’s helping. A concern is that my husband has told him more than once that he wants to come home but I won’t let him. That’s upsetting to my son and he blames me for being the “bad guy” and not seeing how Dad is nice now.
As for getting a job, he has applied for one job - my brother-in-law knew of an opportunity and literally sat down next to him and walked him through the on-line application. That was four weeks ago and he has yet to submit his resume. Says he keeps “working on it”. It’s a governmental job for which he has to take an exam and the exam is next week. He’s already hinted that he has a sore throat and if it develops into a cough will have to reschedule the exam. This will put him on a list of qualified candidates for when the agency actually does hire for that position. Other than that, he has been “looking at Monster.com every day.” Nothing else.
He believes that since he has gone to counseling and is “looking for a job” that is enough and he’s ready to come home. I want to tell him that I need a husband who HAS a job, and that when he HAS a job we can then talk about him coming home. I’ve spent over 10 years listening to promises, reassurances, excuses, and rationalizations about him not having a job. I need results not more lip service. Do you all think that is a reasonable request?
I have to say I feel great peace and tranquility with him being gone…and I have conflicting feelings of guilt over that.
Thank you for your feedback!
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Ridgerunner
Guest
I just now saw this thread, and saw how it developed. I totally agree with everything you have done. I’m a man, and work in a responsible, though stressful, mental-type job. I often kid myself and my wife that if, due to age someday or other, I just don’t have the mental capacity to do what I do anymore, I’ll go spread McNuggets on the line at Tyson’s or be the friendliest Walmart greeter she ever saw, though perhaps not the most competent. (“Tool section? Ummm, over there maybe.”). Working is part of being a man; a big part. Any man who’s worth his salt will tell you that. (Not putting down the stay at home dads. I don’t quite understand that unless the guy at least farms a little, but I have heard of ones who are perfectly responsible.)
I’m no shrink, but I have worked with mental stuff for years and years, separations, divorces, kid problems, and have had people with brain chemistry-type depression in the family. What you have been living with is strikingly abnormal, and I can think of only two possibilities: Brain chemistry or selfish jerk.Counseling alone won’t cure either one. Neither will anything you can do or say.
From your standpoint, your requirements have to be total turnaround or don’t even talk about coming back. From what you say, he isn’t anywhere near that point, and may have actually now achieved what he wanted all along.
Now, concerning the poster who wants Bama as his next door neighbor. You do realize Bama has a motorcycle, don’t you? Maye he tunes it up in the yard at 6:00 a.m. Bama strikes me as the kind of guy who would keep his cycle in top running order and is “early to bed, early to rise”.
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Ridgerunner
Guest
Almost forgot. Your son absolutely needs a responsible adult male figure in his life. It could be an uncle, a cousin, a grandparent, an in-law, just about anybody. He needs a LOT of time with one, preferably doing something constructive TOGETHER, even if it’s just painting a porch step, hauling leaves to a recycling center. Just anything.
That’s not to say he should not work with you, particularly in things people usually think of a “male” tasks. I’m guessing you have a fair amount of deferred maintenance around the house; windows that could be caulked, trim that could be painted, and so on. But you (or whoever) have to be with him every second of it.
That’s not to say he should not work with you, particularly in things people usually think of a “male” tasks. I’m guessing you have a fair amount of deferred maintenance around the house; windows that could be caulked, trim that could be painted, and so on. But you (or whoever) have to be with him every second of it.
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Suse_B
Guest
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I truly appreciate it. My support system is pretty small - my counselor, my son’s counselor, and my immediate family (only three of them, two of whom don’t live near me), so any additional objective feedback is valuable to me.
He’s going to push-back big-time when I tell him. He’s going to blame the economy and say that this could take a very long time. He has pressured me frequently about coming back. I’m not sure how much of this is driven by the fact that he really loves me, or that he loves his cushy life he’s been leading.
He has a sister from out of state and her family who are coming to visit his mother in about a month. He has not told her that we’re separated and doesn’t plan to. He thinks this will just blow over and no one will have to know. Problem is, they plan to stay with his mother and he has emphatically stated he “can’t be living with Mom when they’re here.” I’ve suggested a hotel or staying with his other sister who lives in town and does know we’re separated. He emphatically says no. So, to you’re point about whether he has actually achieved what he wanted all along, I’m not sure if his pressuring me to come home is driven by trying to save face with this other sister or if he really loves me. Not sure how I’m going to keep him from just barging back home.
I’m working to keep good role models in my son’s life. He does still spend a lot of time with his father.
Bottom line is that I feel at peace with the decision to hold the line firmly.
He’s going to push-back big-time when I tell him. He’s going to blame the economy and say that this could take a very long time. He has pressured me frequently about coming back. I’m not sure how much of this is driven by the fact that he really loves me, or that he loves his cushy life he’s been leading.
He has a sister from out of state and her family who are coming to visit his mother in about a month. He has not told her that we’re separated and doesn’t plan to. He thinks this will just blow over and no one will have to know. Problem is, they plan to stay with his mother and he has emphatically stated he “can’t be living with Mom when they’re here.” I’ve suggested a hotel or staying with his other sister who lives in town and does know we’re separated. He emphatically says no. So, to you’re point about whether he has actually achieved what he wanted all along, I’m not sure if his pressuring me to come home is driven by trying to save face with this other sister or if he really loves me. Not sure how I’m going to keep him from just barging back home.
I’m working to keep good role models in my son’s life. He does still spend a lot of time with his father.
Bottom line is that I feel at peace with the decision to hold the line firmly.
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