Husband Refuses to Work

[Ridgerunner]

Whether, in his heart he loves you is not the question. The reality is that he is leading a terribly destructive and abusive life.

You know what? If the economy was so bad that I absolutely could not get a job anywhere, doing anything at all (and it’s not that bad) I would go to some Church or charitable organization and volunteer. They’ll take volunteers at soup kitchens; at homes for the homeless, at parishes, at grocery and clothing distributing places. A man can go work in a monastery if it comes to that, as a lay volunteer. I know one near here where a man can go and help the monks make the things they sell for self-support. Every now and then I read an account of some man who spent some time there working and rethinking life before rejoining the world. If I was looking for a job, I would a lot rather tell my prospective employer that I was doing volunteer work at present rather than tell him I was sitting on my backside, doing nothing.

Under no circumstances would I further “enable” him by participating in the lie he wants to perpetrate (or says he does) on his out-of-town sister. Frankly, I question whether he is ever going to rejoin the real world. But helping him evade the consequences of his choices sure won’t aid that process. Truthfully, I don’t buy that whole tale. His local sister and his mother know, but they haven’t told his out-of-town sister? Highly improbable.

If I thought he would literally “barge in” against your will, I would file for legal separation and get an order preventing him from doing it.

 

[Appleby]

God bless you and send you the strength to perservere.

 

[Suse_B]

Thank you, Ridgerunner and Appleby.

 

[Marycruz]

I really think that you’ve done the right thing for you and your son Now it’s your husband’s turn to step up and do something if he wants to come back.

Pray for the strength to not let him just barge back home before he changes his ways. That way he will realize that it’s not just something that will “blow over”, and he will have no choice but to do something.

As for you husband making you seem like the “bad guy” when he talks to your son, I’m sure that your son will eventually understand, and his safety is the priority.

 

[mommybug47]

Hon, I just found your post and will be praying for you…
I have been there with you. I had to get a restrainig order to get him out. He then filed for a divorce, he refused counseling. Keep seeing the counselors and your priest. We are here and can tell you that you are doing the right thing, but we can not give you thehug you so desperatly need.
PM me if you need to talk. it is a hard road and a 12 year abusive selfish habit will not turn around anytime soon. you may tell him he must be fully employed for 6 mo - a year before he lives at home. He has alot of trust to rebuild. If he wants to come back I strongly suggest dating again. make him rewin you and relearn how to treat you with repsect. DO NOT go back because he has convinced you. Dont feel guilty for not being a “good Wife” A good wife will lead her husband to heaven, he is not headed in that direction!

 

[kevinsgirl]

Suse B–good for you! I think you’re doing the right thing for your son, yourself, and your marriage. I hope that your husband starts to really change, but from what you’ve said, it may definitely take a while.

Prayers,
KG

 

[jwashu]

As I write this, I can’t remember if I replied back in Nov or not, I try to be empathetic in that I pray I never have to go through looking for a job. It’s easy to say, well I’d do this or that but until you are there… it’s just a lot talk IMHO.

However it’s been over 10 years… a DECADE.

Suse I believe you are doing the right thing. I’m sure thing might be a little different if your husband had been a SAHD right? but that’s obviously not the case. It sounds like you have been both parents for years and making your husband get a job before coming home will be a good role model thing for your son - it will help him realize you just don’t do that to your spouse.

Boys need good role models, I’m sure your husband was one at one time, he needs to get back to that point again - for you and for HIS son. Stress that to him, if not for him, do it for his son.

The ONLY thing I would keep an eye out for would be depression to the point of suicide. If your husband pulled something like that, your son would blame you no matter what any counselor said. I am NOT saying it would be your fault at all but it would be difficult for a child not to see it that way. Hopefully your husband isn’t anywhere near that.

Prayers Inc…

Joe

 

[GraceDK]

What are my thoughts ya ask?

Here’s what I’d do sweetie. I’d come home one afternoon, turn the tv off, unplug the internet, confiscate his car keys, and say, “By the end of this week, you’re gonna have a job, and I don’t care if its flippin burgers or delivering pizzas, but your days of sitting around here, are over. You’re gonna get a job where you’re accountable to someone 5 days a week, and if that doesn’t work for ya, I’m gonna ask ya to leave.” I know you gotta be tired of looking at him sit around all day, while you’re working and raising a child.

Where is this guy’s father? Call him and tell him to get down there and do something with his worthless son and see if HE can get him to man up.

Until ya do that nuttin is gonna change, because in his mind he has it made.

sorry I know its not funny… but your post just made me laugh…

 

[Katie1723]

sorry I know its not funny… but your post just made me laugh…

Made me laugh tonly way my husband would be sitting around while I was working would be if he was sitting in his own apartment.

Kathy

 

[Suse_B]

You made me laugh too! Thanks for the levity!

 

[Suse_B]

My husband still doesn’t want anyone to know about our separation and says he hopes we’ll work things out and get back together without anyone having to know. I’ve told him I’m uncomfortable in “hiding and keeping it secret” and think it’s unhealthy for our son as well. I’ve told him the time will come when I’m not going to lie and will say that we’re having some issues and are spending some time apart for awhile. No one needs to know anything else.

This came up again because my son asked if a friend could have a sleepover and my husband said no, because the friend would notice he (my husband) wasn’t home. Privately-our son wasn’t around - he said he was concerned about our son’s friends finding out and giving him a hard time about having a “crazy lunatic dad”. (My husband’s counselor has diagnosed him with dysthymia.) He said " the X kids were destroyed by what people said." The “X” family were childhood neighbors of my husband where the dad went crazy and murdered his mother. I thought it very odd he’d make that connection. That never even crossed my mind.

 

[LongingForLight]

I just saw this thread, and my heart went out to you.

DH and I went through a mini-version of this (but without getting to the point of seperation - just the threat of it) during this past year. He started withdrawing from the family life, stopped communicating, and was being neglectful of our toddlers at home (was a SAHD, except he wasn’t fathering; he has been a great SAHD at other points in the past).

Fortunately, we were able to get help from a counselor. We both realized that we were headed towards long-term seperation or possibly civil divorce, and we both changed - I started expressing what I needed to regain trust in him, and then testing him to make sure he did it. He accepted this and the constructive criticism with humility, and is now much happier.

I agree that you are absolutely right to hold to what you’ve told your DH. When he is able to come back home again, he’ll know he really earned his place back in the family.

BTW, thanks for mentioning that your DH has dysthymia. I will ask my DH if he thinks he might have the condition. The description fits shockingly well, and I strongly suspect he has some sort of chronic, cyclical condition.

This line especially makes me find this likely:

9.In contrast to major depression, these symptoms may not always result in clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, academic, or other major areas of functioning (APA, 2000). People suffering from dysthymia are usually well capable of coping with their everyday lives (usually by following particular routines that provide certainty)

DH reacts very badly to major life changes most of the time, especially moving, and I’ve identified loss of familiar routines as being a large part of that. He does much better at functioning when he has a routine. Unlike most guys, he strongly appreciates me creating a routine for him and then ensuring that he sticks to it. This has been how we coped with my recent return to work. His recent problems during the last year actually started following a major move that disrupted all of his routines. His need for routine is also the main reason he is opting to return to work as soon as he is able.

He went to see a therapist at one point for possible depression, but it was just as he was coming out of the depressed behavior - I think that is the only reason he was able to go. The therapy was inconclusive, and we lost those benefits when I lost my job last January.

ETA: Sorry about hijacking the thread some. I don’t mean to make this about me - maybe I should have put this in a PM. But I wanted to let you know that you may have incidentally helped someone else while working through your own situation.

 

[Suse_B]

I’m glad to have possibly helped. FYI, here’s the link to the info my husband’s counselor gave him on dysthymia:

ssl.search.live.com/health/article.aspx?id=articles%2fmc%2fpages%2f3%2fDS01111.html&q=Dysthymia

In my husband’s case, he’s been non-functioning for 13 years now. I’ve been forewarned that in this case, it’ll take quite an effort and long time to be fully functioning again, if ever. When we first went to marriage counseling after 3 years of marriage, the counselor told us he has narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately that’s another complicating factor.

I am glad you and your DH have been able to rebuild!

 

[Suse_B]

Hon, I just found your post and will be praying for you…
I have been there with you. I had to get a restrainig order to get him out. He then filed for a divorce, he refused counseling. Keep seeing the counselors and your priest. We are here and can tell you that you are doing the right thing, but we can not give you thehug you so desperatly need.
PM me if you need to talk. it is a hard road and a 12 year abusive selfish habit will not turn around anytime soon. you may tell him he must be fully employed for 6 mo - a year before he lives at home. He has alot of trust to rebuild. If he wants to come back I strongly suggest dating again. make him rewin you and relearn how to treat you with repsect. DO NOT go back because he has convinced you. Dont feel guilty for not being a “good Wife” A good wife will lead her husband to heaven, he is not headed in that direction!

Hi Everyone,

I know I’m not a regular “poster” (full time job and dealing w/ single motherhood - son with depression and helping him through that) so I really appreciate all of the replies you’ve graciously sent to me in the past!

Here’s an update…my husband and I have been living apart now for nearly 5 months. He still has no job and has had no job interviews. He took 2 civil service exams - 1 he failed and 1 he’s on a “waiting list” for whenever (if ever) they fill the position (and he’s way down on the list - so he knows it’s not likely he’ll get the job.) He is only looking at jobs on-line. Hasn’t pursued any other options, talked to a recruiter, etc. It’s been 9 months since I first told him I couldn’t live this way any longer and needed a husband who has a job and provides for his family. BTW, it’s now been 13 years of unemployment.

He went to counseling 4 or 5 times and then quit. Hasn’t been since the end of March.

I’ve been going to counseling regularly, reading books, talking to my priest, going to Eucharistic Adoration, etc. and am coming to terms with the reality of my situation. It’s been quite a healing process for me to deal with the anger I’ve pent up for many years. Still working on that - a long way to go still.

Our son was diagnosed with depression and I’m helping him through that. It is something he’s had for many years - the doc says it’s enviromental and likely genetic.

My priest counseled me to take care of our son, continue to grow in holiness, and pray about a timeline. (He said “how long are you going to wait?” and we discussed legal separation and divorce/annulment.)

I’d appreciate your objective perspectives on this. Thank you.

 

[Sr_Sally]

Susie, I am SO glad you have a supportive priest and counselor. It sounds like you have worked on all your available options.

Here are a few questions your update brought to mind. Where is your husband living? I hope you kept the house and he is in an apartment. What is he living on? I assume you pay the rent. Would you be willing to cut his allowance? Set up an account in his name and only put a certain amount in it each month? If he doesn’t have any financial fallout out from the separation, he may continue to be perfectly happy to be in his own place with you still paying all the bills. It is hard, but I would definately tighten your purse strings.

Adoration and your prayer life will get you through this. I will pray for you and your situation.

 

[Suse_B]

He is living at his mother’s house. She does not charge him “rent” or have him chip in for any expenses for food, utilities, etc. He has access to our bank accounts, which are joint accounts. He just withdraws whatever he needs for dinners out and other minor purchases. My priest said that as long as he is provided for, he’s not going to move out of his comfort zone.

I have kept the house and our son lives with me, but my husband comes over nearly daily. During the school year he picked up our son after school and brought him to our house and stayed there until I got home, and would sometimes stay for dinner. Now that school is out, I had arranged a fun day camp but with his depression, our son is having great difficulty with that - panic attacks even - and has not made it through an entire day. We’re working on that via suggestions from our son’s therapist. So, my husband comes over and stays during the day at our house now also. He doesn’t really do much with him…our son mainly is left to his own devices and (in my opinon) spends too much time in front of the tv and playing video games.

 

[Sheeniac]

So sorry about this… Perhaps you can give him only enough money to ‘survive’? He does ‘help’ with your son, but…

I know someone who’s husband couldn’t find work for over a year - all the offered jobs were beneath him. Sigh… I was discussing this with another co-worked, and we decided the guy could at least sell his platelets every week to bring in money.

You’re in my prayers…

 

[Suse_B]

Yep, he does “help” - in that there is a person there with him. My concern is that in summers past, many days when I’d arrive home from work our son would still be in his PJs, not brushed his teeth, and perhaps had not been given lunch or breakfast. My husband strongly believes that is is a waste of his time to make a meal that won’t be eaten, so if he asks our son if he’s hungry and he happens to say “no” - there is no meal provided for him at all and he is starving when I get home - or he has served himself “snacks” all day.

Also, our son’s therapist has said that it w/b best to minimize the time he spends with his father, at least until my husband gets his life under control.

So, I worry about the effects on our son. I have no family nearby - parents are deceased and only one sister who lives 3 hours away. Our son is reluctant to have a sitter, but I do have a family friend lined up if I can’t get him to go to day camp soon.

 

[flyingfish]

He is living at his mother’s house. She does not charge him “rent” or have him chip in for any expenses for food, utilities, etc. He has access to our bank accounts, which are joint accounts. He just withdraws whatever he needs for dinners out and other minor purchases. My priest said that as long as he is provided for, he’s not going to move out of his comfort zone.

Since he does not work, have you thought about opening personal bank accounts that he does not have access too? Maybe using the money in the joint accounts to pay bills etc (since presumably it is all your money) and letting it run out that way?

I would agree with your priest, it seems your husband has a very nice set up where he does not have to do anything and is living the life of a wealthy man at the expense of you and his mother. If he has been this way for 14 years, he will likely never change unless he needs to to survive.

And the example of you coming home from work to find your child has not even brushed his teeth?! Maybe the reason he is coming over is not to take care of your son, but to do whatever it is he does without his mother looking over his shoulder. Once you start divorce/legal separation proceedings you can get rid of him that way too.

Becoming legally divorced is also something you need to consider even if you have not given up on your marriage, but doing so simply so that any money you are making now he will not be able to claim during divorce proceedings.

 

[crenfro]

Al-Anon helped me enormously. It is for relatives, friends and spouses of those who’ve been affected by an alcoholic somewhere in their lives. Or simply just alcoholic behavior. Al-anon deals directly with one’s own enabling behaviors, and does it with love. Helping someone persist in destructive habits isn’t love.

Please don’t confuse it with alcoholics anonymous, which is for the actual alcoholic.

I probably wouldn’t be making this post today if it weren’t for Al-anon. It saved my life.

I’m a childless 49 year-old woman who stays at home. I’ve had a lot of bad job losses and I’ve been on anti-depressants for many years. My husband would love for me to work - the last job I had was part-time two years ago and way below what I’ve trained for. And even with that job, this supposedly low stress job, I’d break down into tears and have to be sent home.

I’d also like to remind us about the old “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you” axiom. Lots of fun to be cavalier in condemning someone’s behavior or self-righteously making correction, unless you’re the recipient.

Anyway, I don’t know what the best answer is for you and your husband, but I do know that no one should accept unacceptable behavior and that all of us are accountable for what we do or don’t do.

Will try to shut my mouth now.

Thanks for listening.