Husband says: Me or religion!

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MomRN:
My husband and I got into an argument last week about getting our marriage blessed in the Catholic Church (I want it, he thinks it’s unnecessary). He disappeared on Friday and I didn’t see him again until this morning (it’s Monday). When I asked him where he had been he says “Not here.” So I asked him what he was doing. He says “Thinking” About what? Then he says “Choose me or religion.” Well I didn’t say anything for a while after that, then I asked him if he meant just don’t talk about it to him, or stop going to Church and stop believing. He says “Stop everything”. Then he says “Just because you’re asking, I already know what your answer is”. Then he left for work.

Am I wrong to think that this is completely selfish on his part? Giving up my faith is like asking me to stop breathing or eating. I can’t stop believing and if I stopped practicing I would be absolutely miserable and we wouldn’t last long anyway. But he doesn’t get that. He says that religion is coming between us more and more. I do go to Church every week and am a youth coordinator for children’s programs, but I don’t talk about it much with him because I know how he feels about it.

I already know what I have to do, I cannot choose between him and God. If he leaves because I won’t give up my faith then that is his decision. I sort of wonder if he wanted out and this is his way of putting the onus on me to decide, so he doesn’t have to “decide”. To me, giving that ultimatum is deciding himself because he should know that I can’t do what he wants me to.
I know what I have to do, but any (name removed by moderator)ut or thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Heather
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**My husband and I were married outside the Holy Catholic Church. It took 21 years of prayer to finally get him to have our marriage blessed. The children were baptized in the Holy Catholic Church also. We now sit as a family at Mass all seven of us and it is wonderful to worship together. I know part of your pain. My husband never told me him or GOD. I think my husband knew who would win.

I did not nag. I just prayed and cried a lot. It was hard to not be able to take Communion all those years. The joy of being able to share Communion now can’t be described. After our Blessing (our children stood up for us) we have found even more love for eachother.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
**
 
I couldn’t imagine anyone asking me to make that kind of decision. Even though it would be hard, I’d have to go with God. Period.

I don’t know if this may help, but maybe you should read “Rome Sweet Home” by Scott and Kimberly Hahn. He converted and she remained Protestant and even contemplated leaving him, but later she opened her heart and converted too. I realize that your husband is not religious at all like the Hahns, but maybe it can give you some perspective and hope. 🙂
 
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MomRN:
My husband and I got into an argument last week about getting our marriage blessed in the Catholic Church (I want it, he thinks it’s unnecessary). He disappeared on Friday and I didn’t see him again until this morning (it’s Monday). When I asked him where he had been he says “Not here.” So I asked him what he was doing. He says “Thinking” About what? Then he says “Choose me or religion.” Well I didn’t say anything for a while after that, then I asked him if he meant just don’t talk about it to him, or stop going to Church and stop believing. He says “Stop everything”. Then he says “Just because you’re asking, I already know what your answer is”. Then he left for work.

Am I wrong to think that this is completely selfish on his part? Giving up my faith is like asking me to stop breathing or eating. I can’t stop believing and if I stopped practicing I would be absolutely miserable and we wouldn’t last long anyway. But he doesn’t get that. He says that religion is coming between us more and more. I do go to Church every week and am a youth coordinator for children’s programs, but I don’t talk about it much with him because I know how he feels about it.

I already know what I have to do, I cannot choose between him and God. If he leaves because I won’t give up my faith then that is his decision. I sort of wonder if he wanted out and this is his way of putting the onus on me to decide, so he doesn’t have to “decide”. To me, giving that ultimatum is deciding himself because he should know that I can’t do what he wants me to.
I know what I have to do, but any (name removed by moderator)ut or thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Heather
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kick the bum to the curb, if he doesnt care about your soul he is a worthless louse. kick him to my curb and Ill give him a kick in the fanny myself. Time to move on.
 
Try to walk in his shoes for a bit? I don’t know your situation fully, and neither does anyone else here, so its impossible for any of us here to understand your husbands feelings. I’ll just toss in a scenario for you to either consider or reject (hopefully after serious thought).

Why is he acting like this? Is he hard-hearted and anti-God? Or is he simply fearful, through not understanding, that he will lose you to God? Does he feel that you will plonk Fr Localpriest on a higher pedestal than him? Does he fear that the you will drift away from him? Are you “overdoing it” by having the TV permanently on EWTN, filling the house with crucifixes, and loudly praying the Rosary in the bedroom before bed? Is this freaking him out? Are you “talking religion” all the time?

This is all foreign stuff to him. And maybe it could be taking the place of stuff that you shared, and which was part of your togetherness-stuff. I love my wife very much, and we’re a very “clingy” couple who do everything together. But we’re both devoutly Catholic. If I was in your husbands position, I believe that I myself would be terrorised of losing her. And maybe I’d be driven to disappearing for a few days, hoping to get a response that says “yes, she still loves me as much as ever”.

Have you explained to him AND SHOWN HIM that your love for God and your Church in no way detracts from your love for him? Have you told him how this is a Church that is pro-marriage, pro-husband, anti-man-hating-feminist, pro-intimacy, pro-marital-sex and pro-family-unit? Maybe you need to emphasize these aspects in what you say and what you do? And maybe the pious stuff, and the “Fr said…”, and “the Pope said…” stuff you can be a little more discrete about? All feelings are valid. We have no control over them. Just because he has no REAL reason to fear losing you to the Church, this does not invalidate his fears. They are REAL, and will remain so until they are lovingly and patiently shown-away and explained-away. You must’ve had good reasons for marrying this man. Don’t let him slip away too easily.
 
A good friend of mine converted to the CC, and her husband was furious. It escalated to within a hair of physical violence. He walked out and she held her ground. She said she could not deny the Eucharist, and Christ’s Presence. Now, her case is probably somewhat different in that her husband was a believer, but vehemently anti-Catholic. He husband was convinced she was going to hell for joining the CC, and that his childrens’ salvation was at risk. Bottom line is, the Lord intervened and changed his heart. I think my friend, and Truth, gained credibility by her holding fast. If you crumble under the threat, then it may appear to your husband that faith is dispensible and that God cannot be trusted.
But, there is also the possbility that he will not hear the Lord’s call. For that, you are not responsible. You can only live your own faith, and pray for the Lord’s Mercy on your husband if he does leave you.
A good time to dedicate the Divine Mercy Novena to your husband! God is never outdone!
 
Tough love lets you allow him to leave- I was in this position and I do not envy what you may be about to go through…

here is my story

My husband talked about leaving over and over- finally he left- and of course he had someone else although I thought I had figured it out - they both denied it…When he was still at home though, he spent a night out like yours did- it was terrible- my kids kept asking where dad was and thought we should call the police to report him missing.
Like I said, he finally left for this younger sweeter blonder gal and started attending Baptist Church with her, divorced me, then wanted our youngest to be in their wedding WITHOUT an ANNULLMENT- our priest said NO, our son was not allowed to even attend this wedding much less particiapte in it… anyways the engagement was called off and he is still alone with noone except the occasional girlfriend to keep him warm./

My prayer after he left was dual- I asked that I could have him back IF and only IF God was first in his life- if not, God surely had other plans for the both of us, which He did! I asked for a way to explain to the boys that daddy could still be loved but I didn’t condone his behavior…the phrase mom always taught us to say when I was younger came to me- “We can love daddy we just don’t like the way he is actinggggg”

I got my annulment 6years ago and remarried a wonderful devoted Catholic man 2 1/2 years ago.
God has plans for you honey- I will pray for you and your family. 😛

mary baby
 
Ted CharlotteNC:
You are correct. I missed her already being married. I am sorry.
My advise was if they were not already married.
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Actualy they are not technically married in the eyes of the Church. That is why she is thinking of having her marriage validated by the church. I would have to advise her not to convalidate at this time.

MomRN, your intentions will be in our prayers. Life is hard enough without our spouses adding this type of stress. I was married to a non-catholic that had hard feelings about the church. Thankfully we were never married in the view of the church so I was able to have little problem when it came to finally marrying a good Catholic girl… 👍
 
I am so sorry friend, you are having this type of strife. Tell your husband his ultimatum is ridiculous, and know he doesn’t mean it. I don’t think he does, but if he insists you provide an answer…that you will choose your faith above all else. Remember Holy Scripture that says: in Matt. 10:37: “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me.”

Sometimes yes, I’m afraid, this just might mean even our immediate family. I know what this is like. I have faced ridicule, scorn, and persecution from not only my husband and my flesh and blood children, but my entire Protestant family as well. My decision to become Catholic has cost me tons. You would be amazed. I’m not. It says in the Bible, “In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.”

Believe it. I do. Put your faith in action…TODAY.

Jesus Loves You.
 
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puzzleannie:
Do you mind if I save, print and distribute this sad message to everyone who comes to our parish seeking a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic? there is a path for you if your husband refuses to participate in convalidation, please see your parish priest immediately. Simply tell your husband that in respect to his feelings you will no longer bring up the topic, and ask if he can return the respect as you continue to go to Church. Live your faith, don’t talk it.
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I think it would be wrong to do this. A majority of non-catholic spouses would not behave in this way and many marraiges work well.
 
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MomRN:
My husband and I got into an argument last week about getting our marriage blessed in the Catholic Church (I want it, he thinks it’s unnecessary). He disappeared on Friday and I didn’t see him again until this morning (it’s Monday). When I asked him where he had been he says “Not here.” So I asked him what he was doing. He says “Thinking” About what? Then he says “Choose me or religion.” Well I didn’t say anything for a while after that, then I asked him if he meant just don’t talk about it to him, or stop going to Church and stop believing. He says “Stop everything”. Then he says “Just because you’re asking, I already know what your answer is”. Then he left for work.

Am I wrong to think that this is completely selfish on his part? Giving up my faith is like asking me to stop breathing or eating. I can’t stop believing and if I stopped practicing I would be absolutely miserable and we wouldn’t last long anyway. But he doesn’t get that. He says that religion is coming between us more and more. I do go to Church every week and am a youth coordinator for children’s programs, but I don’t talk about it much with him because I know how he feels about it.

I already know what I have to do, I cannot choose between him and God. If he leaves because I won’t give up my faith then that is his decision. I sort of wonder if he wanted out and this is his way of putting the onus on me to decide, so he doesn’t have to “decide”. To me, giving that ultimatum is deciding himself because he should know that I can’t do what he wants me to.
I know what I have to do, but any (name removed by moderator)ut or thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Heather
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My Mum once said, “Get that bible out of my house!”, I then said, “Your gonna have to throw me out with it!”

Its impotant that we love God more then anyone elses, because nobody loves us more then God, and we would be nothing without him. Its hard, but You are strong 👍 I will Prey that God Opens his eyes and penetrats his heart with the holy spirit! 🙂 .
 
Dear Heather,

I certainly feel for your situation. Many here have given wonderful advice. My inclination here is that we have such little information to go on, we no none of your history with your husband. That being the case you need to go talk to your priest. It sounds to me as though there are much deeper issues in your marriage and this may just be one of the aspects of trouble. I agree whole heartily that you can’t renounce God for your husband. But I think that was something he threw out there because of deeper issues. You should talk to your priest, then talk to your husband. You need to find out if your husband is willing to work this marriage out. If you can find a good counselor and if he would be willing to go, then maybe you can get to the bottom of it. I’ll add you and your husband in my prayer journal and include you in my daily intentions. God Bless You!
 
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Linnyo:
I think it would be wrong to do this. A majority of non-catholic spouses would not behave in this way and many marraiges work well.
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This is true - but you cannot be sure.

Two examples from personal expereince -

my mother grew up with a Lutheran dad. He hated Catholics and would bad mouth them every chance he got. Nonetheless, my grandmother raised my mother and her 8 siblings Catholic and they are all very strong Catholics. However, my mother remembers a lot of sadness (on the religion front) when she thinks of her childhood.

My brother married a baptist who was very sweet and supportive all through their courtship and wedding. Met with the priest, had no problem with raising children Catholic, etc. As soon as the first child was born - bam - no way jose any kid of hers was going to be Catholic. blah blah blah. It has caused much friction in the marriage and the poor kids only want to please both of their parents.

I’d say my brother’s experience is the best example b/c he thought he’d walked into a marriage with everything discussed and agreed upon up front. Well, he did. But his wife went back on her words.

You are probably right - this probably hasn’t happened in the majority of mixed faith marriages - but it can happen and it is so sad when it does.

Just something to think about.
 
Little Mary:
My brother married a baptist who was very sweet and supportive all through their courtship and wedding. Met with the priest, had no problem with raising children Catholic, etc. As soon as the first child was born - bam - no way jose any kid of hers was going to be Catholic.
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I am going through a similar situation with my wife only she is the one who is Catholic. I’m Mennonite and before we were married we agreed that the children would not be baptized until they were ready to make an informed decision as is the tradition. I only found out years later that she had no intention of following up on this and now we are separated and in counseling. The issue is not just religion in these situations it is about honesty. I honestly believe that if my wife was honest we would not have gotten married and that probably would have been best. The same goes for the Baptist/Catholic couple. Either way It behooves people to be honest before entering into marriage, both to themselves and their spouse.
 
Heather,

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. There is much good advice here, and your situation reminded me that I know several couples that have the husband complaining about the devotion of the wife. The husband resents her doing much beyond mass. This may not be related to you at all, but I will relay some words of St. Francis de Sales,
But in all this, be very careful that your husband, your servants, and your relatives be not inconvenienced by overly long visits to church, by too lengthy withdrawals to pray and noticeable neglect of your household responsibilities, or, as sometimes happens, by your trying to control the actions of others…
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Letter to Madame Brulart (he wrote letters of spiritual direction) May 3, 1604

If it were me, and my spouse thought I was doing too much religious stuff, I’d cut back and keep any religious talk to myself. If they demanded that I not believe in God, I’d keep believing and try to be very focused on their happiness, so that absolutely no charge might be laid at my door in that department, and I’d pray their mind would change. If they left me, (gulp!) so be it.

I am so lucky that I have no current conflict on this issue! Others have remarked on it, so I must be lucky.
 
Heather,

I’m sorely greived at your situation. While I cannot sympathise (being a 24 year old single male) this is my simple understanding.

If he wants you to choose him between God, then he doesn’t love you enough to respect your decision - simple, fullstop.

Secondly, He doesn’t love you if he is going to spend all that time away without telling you.

Peace & Prayers,
Lionheart
 
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LionHeart1981:
Secondly, He doesn’t love you if he is going to spend all that time away without telling you.

Peace & Prayers,
Lionheart
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When our marriage was going through a really rough period (several years ago) my husband took off and didn’t come home for two days after a fight. Just because people do things that are hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you. Angry/hurt people do stupid things sometimes.
 
easy. religion. The Lord is more important than anything else in this world, and any person in this world. Anything that draws you away from faith is from the evil one. I think of the dialogue between Jesus and Peter when Jesus told Peter that he was going to Jerusalem to be handed over to sinners and crucified. Peter rebuked him. Jesus said “get behind me satan! You have not the thoughts of God but the thoughts of men.” (paraphrased!)

If you decide to leave your husband (or vice versa), and you mourn, think of the beatitudes. Jesus promises great things to those who suffer because of their faith.
 
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Shlemele:
I am going through a similar situation with my wife only she is the one who is Catholic. I’m Mennonite and before we were married we agreed that the children would not be baptized until they were ready to make an informed decision as is the tradition. I only found out years later that she had no intention of following up on this and now we are separated and in counseling. The issue is not just religion in these situations it is about honesty. I honestly believe that if my wife was honest we would not have gotten married and that probably would have been best. The same goes for the Baptist/Catholic couple. Either way It behooves people to be honest before entering into marriage, both to themselves and their spouse.
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I think in my brother’s case his wife saw her biological clock ticking away, faced having to work to support herself and losing all her military dependent beneftis (can’t shop at the BX anymore). So, my brother was a ticket to more children before she got too old, got to stay at home and not work and continued her military dependent benefits.

btw - this is her third marriage. The first one produced a son who is now 27 and a total moocher and bum, niether first or second marriage lasted long at all b/c this woman just looks for trouble. The only reason my brother and this woman are going on 16 years of marriage now is the rock solid faith and sacrifice and resolve of my brother to keep it together.

She, of course, is too proud, shallow and thick headed to see any of this. So we (our family) pray for my brother and his trials. I, for one, think he will be exempt from purgatory!!!
 
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LionHeart1981:
Secondly, He doesn’t love you if he is going to spend all that time away without telling you.
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Men, and I’m sure women, do this sort of thing from time to time. It does not mean they don’t love. It may mean other things. I suppose for the unusual fellow it could mean he doesn’t care at all. I would guess it more likely that something else is going on…immaturityor whatever. Some people can really go over the deep end when they are mad. (I don’t recommend this as a general behavior!)
 
I respectfully disagree- short of a hospital emergency visit, it is inexcusable not to come home at night if you are married, if you have children- double the shame~~~
 
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