Husband says we'll have time for us later

[JLCecilia]

Thank you Serap for your kind response.

I finally got to TT DH last night and ask him what it was he didn’t like about my friend and heard exactly what I expected - she and her family are too white trashy and he doesn’t want our kids associating with them. He thought Dave Ramsey even said that if you want to be ‘successful’ you must associate yourself with successful people. Okay, I’ll give you that, but what if the people WE hang out with felt that way about US? That hanging out with US brought them down? At what point are we ourselves dismissed of the duty to be that inspiration to others? Not that I think any of this really factors in to my friendship with this person.

But I asked him who our kids will be friends with if he refuses every invitation our family receives to spend time with other familes just b/c they’re all from the church he left? And he refuses to have host his entire family for the kids’ birthdays. He has one friend he mentioned that he likes and likes their kids (their entire family converted, but they’re friends from HS). Don’t get me wrong, I think I’d like to start getting together with them, but they have 2 girls and we have all boys. There’s no reason they can’t get along, but for lasting friendships, my boys need boys to be around (and my GF has 3 sons).

He actually said that my friendship with her was enough to make him want to move, and that’s saying a lot considering how attached he is to our family. Sheesh! He said he wouldn’t tell me to stop seeing her. I challenged him to make friends with other families where we can have adult time with others without having to ditch our kids all the time - it’s hard on his folks who are our only reliable babysitters. But also, I want my kids to be around other kids outside of school and it’d be really nice if we had family friends (I know this won’t always happen, but it doesn’t hurt to try). And I challenged him to find ways that we can enjoy quality time together as a family instead of refusing to do anything unless it was without children.

My heart is breaking.

 

[StSentry83]

Thank you Serap for your kind response.

I finally got to TT DH last night and ask him what it was he didn’t like about my friend and heard exactly what I expected - she and her family are too white trashy and he doesn’t want our kids associating with them. He thought Dave Ramsey even said that if you want to be ‘successful’ you must associate yourself with successful people.

That sentiment is very unchristian and I think this Dave Ramsey thing is getting to be a cult.

 

[JLCecilia]

I honestly believe that Dave Ramsey would rebuke someone for using his advice out of context as DH did. I think what DH was bordering on suggesting amounts to usery.

I told DH that the thing that draws me to my GF the most is her joy and her diligence. She is heavy on community service and organizing family-friendly gatherings oftentimes at her own expense b/c she loves people, especially children. B/c I have an Eyor personality and would happily never leave my home, I need people like her to draw me out of myself and serve.

I was lamenting to her once that DH hates feeling like we’re ‘poor’ and she just simply said “You’re not poor.” Maybe she didn’t mean it as deeply as I took it, but here is a gal who has less than we do, materially speaking, but doesn’t get down about it. And when she didn’t get the job she wanted, she didn’t have a pity party. I know there are people who experience real poverty, but I think in this case, ‘poor’ is a state of mind.

DH rejects religion on the basis that too many people use it as a weapon of hate (particularly towards homosexauls). It seems to me that DH is using financial ranking as a method hate.

 

[Xantippe]

I honestly believe that Dave Ramsey would rebuke someone for using his advice out of context as DH did. I think what DH was bordering on suggesting amounts to usery.

**Usury isn’t the right word, because it means lending money at sky high interest, but other than that, yeah.

Presumably, Dave Ramsey means that you should have some professionally successful, financially solvent friends who can be a good example to you.

And speaking of Dave Ramsey, what does DR say about taking expensive trips when you’re broke?**

I told DH that the thing that draws me to my GF the most is her joy and her diligence. She is heavy on community service and organizing family-friendly gatherings oftentimes at her own expense b/c she loves people, especially children. B/c I have an Eyor personality and would happily never leave my home, I need people like her to draw me out of myself and serve.

I was lamenting to her once that DH hates feeling like we’re ‘poor’ and she just simply said “You’re not poor.” Maybe she didn’t mean it as deeply as I took it, but here is a gal who has less than we do, materially speaking, but doesn’t get down about it. And when she didn’t get the job she wanted, she didn’t have a pity party. I know there are people who experience real poverty, but I think in this case, ‘poor’ is a state of mind.

DH rejects religion on the basis that too many people use it as a weapon of hate (particularly towards homosexauls). It seems to me that DH is using financial ranking as a method hate.

How about that John Gottman book?

 

[Xantippe]

JLCecilia,

If your husband is doing Dave Ramsey, have you been able to take the Financial Peace University class together?

It might be beyond your means at this point, but I think that it would be a good thing for you guys to do together.

It feels like you guys are on totally different wavelengths right now, and I think you need to put some effort into getting back on the same wavelength.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I thought about telling him once more that he and his brother could go or just he go alone to see his buddy, but my BIL wouldn’t make that big of a trip withoutt his wife and DH doesn’t want to be the only one going stag.

Well I think you are a kinder person than I would be. I would simply refuse to go and if DH gets mad simply say ‘the fact that I am letting you go on this trip when we just got another bill for 1K in tuition and I am giving up our 10 year anniversary trip so you can go on this trip makes me very generous’

You deserve better than to be the tag along.

As for you anniversary trip, as much as it means a lot to you, I think it could end up being a disaster. I would try to find ways to mend the marriage first and then take the trip when it is something you could both enjoy

 

[Xantippe]

Well I think you are a kinder person than I would be. I would simply refuse to go and if DH gets mad simply say ‘the fact that I am letting you go on this trip when we just got another bill for 1K in tuition and I am giving up our 10 year anniversary trip so you can go on this trip makes me very generous’

You deserve better than to be the tag along.

As for you anniversary trip, as much as it means a lot to you, I think it could end up being a disaster. I would try to find ways to mend the marriage first and then take the trip when it is something you could both enjoy

Yes.