Husband texting other women - please help

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TheLittleLady said:
To plant the idea of divorce (required before a Tribunal review of validity) is jumping the gun.
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We’re only seeing 10% of the picture. After intense counseling and many discussions, I wouldn’t be surprised if many things are exposed. Yes, I’m looking at the worst case scenario.
TheLittleLady said:
Validity has to do with what happened on the day of the wedding.
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A neighbor of mine married a man in the Church. I don’t know everything but after 3 years, he cleaned out their account and ditched her. Essentially, he was a conman. It’s unfortunate but these situations can turn ugly fast 🙁
 
The phone isn’t the problem. Getting him to give up his phone will only make him go another route to do what he wants.

The problem is his idea he is free to behave this way.
 
CoffeeAndDonuts said:
He didn’t meet a woman at a restaurant and get caught up in an affair, he didn’t run into his old girlfriend, he wasn’t overcome with emotions in a stressful life or death situation. He went out of his way to go to a website that facilitates (among other things) casual sex.
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Donuts is spot on. He clearly has a sexual addiction… something you should not take personally or take lightly. His addiction has NOTHING to do with your attractiveness. If he does not enter himself into some sort of treatment facility or group therapy, ie serious intervention, I recommend separating your body, yourself from an extremely unhealthy situation. I repeat. This is not something you should be taking lightly. I went through something similar. It doesn’t disappear with couples counseling here and there. People with addictions blame and repeat. You need to force him to get treatment and take responsibility if there is ANY hope for future relationship. And based on your comments about the situation, I recommend you get yourself into a codependent AlAnon group.

I also recommend:
Celebrate Recovery https://locator.crgroups.info/
 
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RosaCarolinae said:
As I think about this more, I wonder if this habit is basically akin to porn for him. Like maybe he enjoys the fantasies or thrill of having these little text conversations with other women but wasn’t actually planning on acting them out? Obviously that is still a huge problem that he or we need to talk about in counseling, but that is my theory at this point.
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It could be. It could also be he has a porn problem in addition. It is very common.
RosaCarolinae said:
I believe him that he is sorry and won’t do it again, but I can’t help thinking that if at some point he were tempted to do it again, he could totally do it all the time and get away with it as long as he remembered to delete the conversations. I am so sad and don’t know what got into his head–any men have any insight?
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He probably is sorry, and maybe not even just for being caught. We can all get caught up in something that is wrong and we know is wrong. The question isn’t so much is he sorry but does he really want to stop this.

When he says he doesn’t know why he did this that could be true, or it could be a lie. Either he doesn’t know what really drives him to do this, and he needs to find out. Or he is lying. He may be lying to hide a deeper problem. Or he may be lying because he is given over to evil, in this regard, and doesn’t want to stop.

I see some advice that is troubling. It seems to say you should write him off. You made marriage vows. You have to keep yours even if he didn’t keep his. You do need to find out the deeper truth here. You need to offer to help him, if he wants to change.

It could be he isn’t as good a person as you thought. It could also be he is a deeply wounded person due to experiences and choices. We are supposed to want to help wounded people, even if that person is our spouse whose actions have hurt us.
 
exnihilio:
I see some advice that is troubling. It seems to say you should write him off. You made marriage vows. You have to keep yours even if he didn’t keep his. You do need to find out the deeper truth here. You need to offer to help him, if he wants to change.
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If you’re referring to my advice upthread, it shouldn’t be troubling. A woman 3 years into marriage—or, frankly, at any point— who has just discovered her husband secretly seeking out sexual encounters with 3 (!) different women is cause for great concern.

He is not acting in her best interests in this fundamental area, and she should arm herself with all information necessary as she decides how to proceed, because he has shown a propensity for deceit and behaviour that puts her at risk, not to mention the grave attachment injury he’s inflicted.

As someone who has had a marriage turn violent suddenly, I cannot stress firmly enough the importance of seeking qualified health professionals to provide the OP support, as well as legal advice. It is far better to be informed and never have to act on some investigative work than to suddenly find yourself in an urgent situation and not have any expert guidance on how best to proceed.

Comments like, “you made your marriage vows, you have to keep yours” are not helpful in these kinds of circumstances. They drive people such as the OP away from informative conversations with spouses and discussions of validity with priests when grounds for a declaration of nullity could well exist. And, canon law provides for the option of separation with the bond intact where shared life becomes unsafe, as could be the case if he sexually infects her.

A discussion of exploring validity is information gathering. The OP is going to have to consult widely inside and outside the church, and engage in some deliberate, clear-headed thinking as she takes her next steps.

OP- I can’t counsel you strongly enough: get those Plenty of Fish records, whether login or chat transcripts, or credit card bills. It may prove helpful as objective evidence should you ever choose to pursue an annulment. And please ask your medical provider to review the Duluth power and control wheel with you to assess whether other problematic risk behaviours are present in your current situation. Seek out a lawyer to ensure you aren’t at risk for your financial assets being absconded with, as well, and discuss safety planning resources in the community (as needed).

I am grateful every day for the guidance I received from a lawyer, psychiatrist, priest, social worker, and police victim crisis worker when I started seeing odd behaviours from my ex-husband. Their feedback is the reason my family and I are alive today.

God bless!
 
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As someone who has been in a situation where an outwardly upright spouse became very much not, I urge you to remain as objective as you can in gathering and interpreting evidence.

Yes, you are married. However, your primary responsibility is to yourself. You must be your strongest advocate, even if that means taking a dispassionate view of the situation and asking questions whose answers may frighten you.

Much easier said than done, I know. You are in my prayers, and are certainly welcome to PM if you need support.

Much love!
 
alphawoman said:
As someone who has had a marriage turn violent suddenly, I cannot stress firmly enough the importance of seeking qualified health professionals to provide the OP support, as well as legal advice. It is far better to be informed and never have to act on some investigative work than to suddenly find yourself in an urgent situation and not have any expert guidance on how best to proceed.
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But her situation is not your situation. It isn’t like that yet. The same could happen suddenly in my marriage. But I’m making no preparations because I don’t think it likely.
alphawoman said:
Comments like, “you made your marriage vows, you have to keep yours” are not helpful in these kinds of circumstances.
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How could mentioning vows we made be unhelpful? The vows don’t cease to exist because of bad behavior.
 
alphawoman said:
OP- I can’t counsel you strongly enough: get those Plenty of Fish records, whether login or chat transcripts, or credit card bills
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How would I do that? Wouldn’t it depend on him being willing to hand them over? (Hoping he will be.)
 
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It’s unhelpful because it normalizes the practice of encouraging women to stay in (potentially) abusive situations.

We are all Catholic here. We all understand that vows take place. It bears repeating that, in some cases when those vows take place, both parties are not able to consent to marriage.

And no, her situation isn’t mine, but it’s equally not your template, either. She has raised several risk factors that merit further professional investigation.

Her fact pattern presented is consistent with a spouse with serious behavioural problems (and, likely, mental health/personality disorder issues) that requires professional intervention. She needs a professional risk assessment and more information to gauge her situation and the best strategy.

But no, please don’t appeal to vows as a one-sided imperative that trumps safety, emotional well being, personal security, and dignity. It is judgmental of the OP, and suggests that the mere thought of self-protection and self-advocacy is unwarranted. It is very much warranted and canonically supported.

I don’t think you intended any of that. I could equally have made the same comment before my experience. However—and I say this in the fullness of charity—I would ask that you reflect on my comments.

Thanks. 🙂
 
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It starts with an open conversation. He has betrayed your trust in a fundamental way, and openness is how he will restore that trust. There should be no question of his providing the information.

If he denies you the information, you have an answer of sorts.

It’s terrifying—I know—you didn’t sign up for this, and it feels like having your heart ripped out and rubbed over a cheese grater.

I can say this, and it may be cold comfort. If you receive unhappy information, it’s far better to be informed as you make decisions than not. You are a person of integrity. You are a person of dignity and phenomenal worth. And, even though this is a deeply hurtful situation, nothing your husband does can ever take away from who you are.

With as much love as I can send,
A.
 
There Must be Full disclosure and complete transparency here.

Luke 8:17

“For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.”
 
alphawoman said:
It’s unhelpful because it normalizes the practice of encouraging women to stay in (potentially) abusive situations.
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It’s not abusive.
alphawoman said:
We are all Catholic here. We all understand that vows take place. It bears repeating that, in some cases when those vows take place, both parties are not able to consent to marriage.
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So the context of mentioning vows should only be that they might not have counted?
alphawoman said:
But no, please don’t appeal to vows as a one-sided imperative that trumps safety, emotional well being, personal security, and dignity. It is judgmental of the OP, and suggests that the mere thought of self-protection and self-advocacy is unwarranted. It is very much warranted and canonically supported.
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I never did appeal to them in that way. I am a bit judgmental of what seems to be an immediate leap to get out of the marriage. Of course safety and dignity are considerations, and I never said or hinted that they weren’t.
 
Look exnihilio, you have your views about how to communicate around marital risk and I have mine. Let’s not congest this thread with bickering because we’re not going to see eye to eye. If I had listened to comments like yours, my child and I would be dead.

The OP is on the ground, and she needs professional (name removed by moderator)ut on her specific situation. What you or I think outside that broad directive is irrelevant unless the OP solicits further feedback.
 
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Taking the strict, clear, and strong stance by demanding that her spouse seek the necessary treatment for a compulsive addiction would be an act of love. I did not suggest divorce. Separating is allowed, and in fact required by the church if the spouse is put in physical harm’s way. She will most likely be exposing herself to emotional manipulation by an addict who can put her at risk for std’s.
 
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TheLittleLady said:
One can text on flip phones. Honestly, I do not know of a company who even offers a no SMS plan anymore.
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US Mobile offers completely customizable plans, and you can get a plan with talk+data but no texting, or even talk only, if that’s what you want. However, there are so many other ways to send messages (including making an actual phone call) that I don’t think there is much point in getting that kind of plan for the purpose of stopping the husband from contacting other women.
 
You are making a huge assumption based on very little information. You don’t know he has an addiction and you don’t really know what is going on. Her best option is to for them to get to counseling and let a trained professional make the assessment.

@alphawoman - You can place your experience with you past on to another situation you know very little about. Just because something bad happened to you does not mean that every marriage in trouble will be the same as yours. Planning for an annulment before there is even the thought of divorce would imply the one gathering the information has withdrawn their consent to the marriage. Not what the Church intended.
 
Horton said:
Her best option is to for them to get to counseling and let a trained professional make the assessment.
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This is the best option, yes. There are a great many trained professionals to choose from. Opening a directory for a list of random counselors is not recommended. You might want to start by calling some different numbers such as the one offered in this article and share with them what you have shared with us:

 
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