Husband texting other women - please help

[Tatum]

The advice sounds sound to me.
Considerations of Separation are not a breaking of the marriage vows.

The fairly obvious point is that sticking around purely for the vows as if that is so major a consideration that all other circumstances are rendered irrelevant to any decision to leave is not helpful. Noone needs to be chained to abuse nor do marriage vows require that if the husband is at fault and will not or cannot change.

 

[alphawoman]

Incorrect. Gathering information is not the same as seeking an annulment. It’s developing the base of knowledge required to establish the best course of action for the OP.

And let’s not be confused — I cite my case as an example of the helpfulness of seeking professional guidance from priests, lawyers, mental health professionals, and police services. In no way am I saying, based on the facts presented, that she’s in mortal danger. It was because of the sound advice of these people, and some careful planning, that I made the choIces which supported my family’s well being. If I listened to a bunch of untrained internet strangers saying, “honour your vows”, I couldn’t say the same. A woman is not the husband’s chattel, forever tethered to a hopeless albatross without agency.

These posts, again, are unhelpful. They send the very wrong message that being exposed to abusive behaviour—and yes, that includes emotional abuse through deceit and infidelity, as well as potential or actual exposure to STDs—is whitewashed with marriage vows. Absolutely wrong. Spouses are not required to stand by and take it, wishing the erring spouse would fly right.

No. God created marriage to be an institution of mutual love and support. Separation protects a victim spouse, and annulments exist in circumstances where a marriage was not validly achieved. As I’ve said upthread, the OP needs professional counsel on the ground, specific to her situation. Whether she chooses to separate and/or pursue annulment at a later date is the OP’s decision to make with good counsel.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

So we have an appointment with the counselor in three weeks, although they said that they will contact us if they have an opening on their calendar sooner. My husband went to confession this weekend. I am thinking of talking to a priest together but haven’t made the call yet. Today I made an appointment to get tested for you-know-whats, just to put my mind at rest. (Life is strange; I never thought that would be an issue I would have to worry about.) I doubt there will be anything, but it’s better to find out for sure. Thank you for your prayers; and if you have a moment, I appreciate still more of them!

 

[Daisy]

I’m glad you are going to go talk to a counselor. I guess I’m concerned about how you found this counselor and what area they specialize in. My ex and I went to many different counselors, some for a very long time. None of them addressed the root of the problem but focused on communication and trust issues. These were sort of helpful, but they never solved the deeper issues of my husband’s severe childhood trauma and resulting explosive anger and addiction problems (the issues usually occur in 3’s). Many couples counselors are not thoroughly trained in these areas. While you are waiting to go see this counselor in the next couple of weeks, I recommend calling the last free hotline number I linked and just picking the person’s mind. Here is their site again: https://www.relationalrecovery.com/

 

[RosaCarolinae]

I’m glad you are going to go talk to a counselor. I guess I’m concerned about how you found this counselor and what area they specialize in. My ex and I went to many different counselors, some for a very long time. None of them addressed the root of the problem but focused on communication and trust issues. These were sort of helpful, but they never solved the deeper issues of my husband’s severe childhood trauma and resulting explosive anger and addiction problems (the issues usually occur in 3’s). Many couples counselors are not thoroughly trained in these areas. While you are waiting to go see this counselor in the next couple of weeks, I recommend calling the last free hotline number I linked and just picking the person’s mind. Here is their site again: https://www.relationalrecovery.com/

I have reasonable hope that the counselor I found will be helpful and good. This person is a clinical psychologist with specialties in several areas (trauma actually being one of them) in addition to marriage therapy and was recommended by my diocese’s marriage and family office. I will definitely check out the link you recommended. Thank you, I appreciate it!

 

[TheLittleLady]

Be advised, from the website this does not appear to be a Catholic counseling group. When dealing with a Sacrament, it is best to first seek the sources that were provided by the Diocese.

 

[Paul71]

I don’t think anyone has suggested it yet, but a Retrouvaille weekend might be a good step for healing your marriage as well. It does not and should not replace counseling, but it could be helpful in addition to counseling.

 

[alphawoman]

Good suggestion! Might be most helpful after they’re both fully on side with some recovery.

 

[exnihilo]

So we have an appointment with the counselor in three weeks

This is joint counseling? Will he have individual counseling too? That might be good too. The nature of what he is doing is secretive and hopefully shameful (you hope he is ashamed otherwise he is callous and you unfortunately have a worse problem). He might have trouble getting to the root of his problem if he can’t be open and honest. Your presence might make that harder.

Praying for you both.

 

[RosaCarolinae]

I set up the initial meeting to be joint counseling, but I agree that some individual counseling for him would be beneficial as well. My thought was that we will go together to the initial meeting, and from there we can ask the counselor about individual therapy.

 

[bmaz]

My dear, my heart breaks for you, because I know how this feels. I found my husband emailing another woman, and he lied about how he knew her, how often he talked to her and how often he saw her. I almost left him, but I had three little kids at the time, and I wanted them to grow up with their family intact. It really wrecked the trust in our marriage, but we remained married and I’m very glad we did. Due to an accident three years ago, our lives changed drastically, I became immediately disabled and dependant on him for everything, our lives basically turned upside-down. He has been nothing less than a wonderful care taker and I think I am really seeing how much he always did love me. I see it in his actions every day. We have now been married 34 years. My advice is to pray for him every day, get marriage counseling, and spiritual counseling. You need to determine if he is committed to the marriage and if he actually meant the vow he made to God at your wedding. If he is, this can possibly be worked out. It won’t be easy, though. It is true that some men who do this will continue doing it, no matter what steps you take, but some men also can and will stop. Many prayers for you.