Husband wants a divorce - Update

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There are just too many missing pieces to this puzzle. There is something going on with your husband that hasn’t been discovered yet–and I’m not sure it’s an affair as others have suggested, though it could be.

I know it’s painful but if I were you I wouldn’t make any sudden moves. Make sure you have a lawyer and are ready to defend yourself, but don’t be the first one to file and don’t be the one to kick him out. Again, this is just my opinion but I think you should carry on as normal and make him do all the dirty work.

One thing that I’m especially not clear on is why he’s so adamant about getting separated as opposed to at least living as roommates for a while. If the following things are true then why is he in such a hurry to get away: 1) You generally live in peace and don’t have arguments 2) There’s not another woman he’s trying to get to 3) He allegedly still loves the kids and wants to be a father to them. Have you asked him if he’d be open to just living as roommates for awhile for the sake of the kids? What exactly is his plan after the divorce…I just don’t get why he’s so eager to get away.
 
Schieffelin said:
There are just too many missing pieces to this puzzle. There is something going on with your husband that hasn’t been discovered yet–and I’m not sure it’s an affair as others have suggested, though it could be.

I know it’s painful but if I were you I wouldn’t make any sudden moves. Make sure you have a lawyer and are ready to defend yourself, but don’t be the first one to file and don’t be the one to kick him out. Again, this is just my opinion but I think you should carry on as normal and make him do all the dirty work.

One thing that I’m especially not clear on is why he’s so adamant about getting separated as opposed to at least living as roommates for a while. If the following things are true then why is he in such a hurry to get away: 1) You generally live in peace and don’t have arguments 2) There’s not another woman he’s trying to get to 3) He allegedly still loves the kids and wants to be a father to them. Have you asked him if he’d be open to just living as roommates for awhile for the sake of the kids? What exactly is his plan after the divorce…I just don’t get why he’s so eager to get away.
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Maybe, just maybe, he could be bisexual.
Anyway, tough situation, good luck!

Edit: One fact is obvious, you don’t know your husband well enough. You as a couple did not learn how to open your hearts to each other. You as a couple don’t know how to talk in that regard.
This is the first thing to fix if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage.
 
Jaaanosik said:
Edit: One fact is obvious, you don’t know your husband well enough. You as a couple did not learn how to open your hearts to each other. You as a couple don’t know how to talk in that regard.
This is the first thing to fix if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage.
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We have no way of knowing whether that’s a fact or not. I don’t really see how such a comment can be helpful; it seems it can only be hurtful in fact, especially if it’s not true.

I have friends who have had problems in their marriages in which one partner basically stopped cooperating and communicating. These partners gave in to the temptation of selfishness. It can happen. With God’s grace, though, sometimes these problems do not have to be permanent.

In another instance, the partner had late-onset bipolar disorder, which did not manifest until his late 20s, many years after they had been married. They are still working on finding ways to communicate, which is quite challenging given his disorder.
 
Jaaanosik said:
One fact is obvious, you don’t know your husband well enough. You as a couple did not learn how to open your hearts to each other. You as a couple don’t know how to talk in that regard.
This is the first thing to fix if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage.
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I have now realised that the above is correct. I thought we were close, I thought we comminicated well. It turns out that he hid his feelings and thoughts from me and would always give me an edited version of them. He pretends well and is capable of such level of deceit. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always share about how I feel and what I think. I always confided in him, included him in whatever was happening to me. That is why I felt close to him. He never did the same and it is only now, when I am finally getting the truth out of him and when I am remembering things from the past, that I realise this was the case. He has serious communication problems. This is something that my FIL has confirmed as well. My husband has always been like that. I just didn’t see it.

I do believe this can be fixed and that we can unlearn our bad habits. However, he does not want to. He refuses everything. He just wants out, consequences be damned.
 
Schieffelin said:
One thing that I’m especially not clear on is why he’s so adamant about getting separated as opposed to at least living as roommates for a while. If the following things are true then why is he in such a hurry to get away: 1) You generally live in peace and don’t have arguments 2) There’s not another woman he’s trying to get to 3) He allegedly still loves the kids and wants to be a father to them. Have you asked him if he’d be open to just living as roommates for awhile for the sake of the kids? What exactly is his plan after the divorce…I just don’t get why he’s so eager to get away.
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This is not clear to me either. Of course, things are quite emotional right now and not pleasant, but we still manage to do things together. We go out for lunch as a family. we take the kids to the park, we go grocery shopping. Our conversations are not filled with crazy screaming, insane accusations and threats and whatnot. He just can’t handle them at all, even when they are calm and reasonable. He honestly expects me to accept it all without a word and to play along with his wishes. Whenever I ask questions about what has happened he snaps at me and tells me that being in the same room is unbearable and so he has to move out. And please believe me when I say this, I am not making scenes and behaving like a crazy person. I just need to understand what has happened and I think I have a right to it. He doesn’t understand why I need to hear the same story again and again. But it is not the same story, every time I learn something new. The puzzle is indeed starting to create a picture. And the picture is that of an extremely immature, disfunctional man who got married knowing he was making a mistake, who fathered two children and is now about to leave them assuming that I will be the one to take care of his mess, who does not know how to communicate and who has no understanding what it means to be married. He was a silly boy who did not manage to grow up into a responsible man. He needs to run away now and that is what he is doing.

I don’t know if this answers the question about why he wants to move out asap (and he knows that will make things even more difficult for me, simply in terms of taking care of the kids if nothing else). I think he wants to do it because he has decided to do it and he can’t stand seeing the consequences of his actions. It is all very messy and unpleasant and too emotional for him.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I have now realised that the above is correct. I thought we were close, I thought we comminicated well. It turns out that he hid his feelings and thoughts from me and would always give me an edited version of them. He pretends well and is capable of such level of deceit. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always share about how I feel and what I think. I always confided in him, included him in whatever was happening to me. That is why I felt close to him.** He never did the same and it is only now, when I am finally getting the truth out of him and when I am remembering things from the past, that I realise this was the case. He has serious communication problems. This is something that my FIL has confirmed as well. My husband has always been like that. I just didn’t see it.
**
I do believe this can be fixed and that we can unlearn our bad habits. However, he does not want to. He refuses everything. He just wants out, consequences be damned.
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It’s a very good step forward for you to realize that. This gives you an idea what went wrong and what needs to be fixed. I am not saying it’s your fault but you are in the middle of the problem.
Right now, the most important thing is to find out if there is a third person involved. That determines your options how to deal with the issue. There are gentle ways how to do that.
If it’s just interaction between two of you then there is a good hope it can be turned around.

I went through similar issues. I turned to a very good book on the subject and at that time I was thinking how come that simple concept is not being taught at high schools and up. I am sure it would help many many couples.

I am thinking about starting a thread “Marriage 1 on 1 - a guide how to build a good marriage”. Our collective wisdom on the internet is amazing.
 
Jaaanosik said:
I am thinking about starting a thread “Marriage 1 on 1 - a guide how to build a good marriage”. Our collective wisdom on the internet is amazing.
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Maybe we can make a joint publication, make it a best-seller, earn an insane amount of money and all retire 😃 I like this plan.

Yes, communication has been the main problem. What I still can’t understand is how I didn’t see it. I am not dumb, yet I didn’t see it. He lied to me about a number of things and he told me many half-truths. No wonder he reached a boiling point where he couldn’t take it any longer and exploded, and I was surprised because it seemed so sudden and unexpected.

The problem is that he refuses to try and change things, he refuses to save our marriage. He has decided to leave and that is that. I have no clue if he will maybe change his mind at some point, but at this moment he sounds very determined and I am preparing for the worst. I am in no rush to leave this country for the time being and will see how things develop.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Maybe we can make a joint publication, make it a best-seller, earn an insane amount of money and all retire 😃 I like this plan.

Yes, communication has been the main problem. What I still can’t understand is how I didn’t see it. I am not dumb, yet I didn’t see it. He lied to me about a number of things and he told me many half-truths. No wonder he reached a boiling point where he couldn’t take it any longer and exploded, and I was surprised because it seemed so sudden and unexpected.

The problem is that he refuses to try and change things, he refuses to save our marriage. He has decided to leave and that is that. I have no clue if he will maybe change his mind at some point, but at this moment he sounds very determined and I am preparing for the worst. I am in no rush to leave this country for the time being and will see how things develop.
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I was in a relationship like this once. Thank goodness he showed his true colors before we could walk down the aisle. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re not a mind reader and you should not be expected to be. It’s why honesty is so fundamentally important in relationships because it’s literally the starting point for all communication.

It’s not your fault that he’s been dishonest for so long. It sounds like he doesn’t even have the self-knowledge necessary to be in an adult relationship. At the same time, don’t throw out the good with the bad. I’m sure there were things that were good and true in your relationship that he just can’t see right now because Satan has such a firm hold in his mind. Keep praying for a miracle and be sure to take care of yourself. :console:
 
Schieffelin said:
It’s not your fault that he’s been dishonest for so long. It sounds like he doesn’t even have the self-knowledge necessary to be in an adult relationship. At the same time, don’t throw out the good with the bad. I’m sure there were things that were good and true in your relationship that he just can’t see right now because Satan has such a firm hold in his mind. Keep praying for a miracle and be sure to take care of yourself. :console:
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Thank you.

It is good to be reminded that I can’t read minds, especially when people are good actors. But it is hard not to blame myself. I have to stop and accept reality, what my contribution to this mess was and what it was not.

There were many good things. He is in such a dark place right now so he doesn’t see them. I pray that he will at some point come to his senses and be more aware about the facts about our relationship and not hold on to this extremely negative image of everything.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Maybe we can make a joint publication, make it a best-seller, earn an insane amount of money and all retire 😃 I like this plan.

Yes, communication has been the main problem. What I still can’t understand is how I didn’t see it. I am not dumb, yet I didn’t see it. He lied to me about a number of things and he told me many half-truths. No wonder he reached a boiling point where he couldn’t take it any longer and exploded, and I was surprised because it seemed so sudden and unexpected.

The problem is that he refuses to try and change things, he refuses to save our marriage. He has decided to leave and that is that. I have no clue if he will maybe change his mind at some point, but at this moment he sounds very determined and I am preparing for the worst. I am in no rush to leave this country for the time being and will see how things develop.
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Don’t make the mistake of believing everything he says NOW. He could be lying or seeing things from a different perspective, while back THEN he was just fine and dandy or doing better than he can admit from where he is now. KWIM? He’s got blinders on now, and is evaluating your relationship with those blinders on. So take what he says with a grain or two of salt. Just keep your sanity however you can, and try to get further information from him. Any possibility that he is seeing someone while AT work?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Don’t make the mistake of believing everything he says NOW. He could be lying or seeing things from a different perspective, while back THEN he was just fine and dandy or doing better than he can admit from where he is now. KWIM? He’s got blinders on now, and is evaluating your relationship with those blinders on. So take what he says with a grain or two of salt. Just keep your sanity however you can, and try to get further information from him. Any possibility that he is seeing someone while AT work?
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You are right. I know I should take everything he says with a block of salt, but I forget due to stress and his convincing tone.

I am working hard to keep my sanity and feel much better than I did just a few days ago. God is sending help my way and I feel more in control, stronger.

I think that if he is seeing someone, than it is at work. If he doesn’t fess up and my suspicions don’t go away, I will have to find a way to learn the truth.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
You are right. I know I should take everything he says with a block of salt, but I forget due to stress and his convincing tone.

I am working hard to keep my sanity and feel much better than I did just a few days ago. God is sending help my way and I feel more in control, stronger.

I think that if he is seeing someone, than it is at work. If he doesn’t fess up and my suspicions don’t go away, I will have to find a way to learn the truth.
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Private detectives have their ways.
 
Is there a way to find out if it is a case of him just liking someone, a flirtation? How on earth can I find out and prove it?

A friend has just told me how many people experience such things and claimed that she knows of several people who left their partners/spouses because they fell in love with someone at work and kept it platonic.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Is there a way to find out if it is a case of him just liking someone, a flirtation? How on earth can I find out and prove it?

A friend has just told me how many people experience such things and claimed that she knows of several people who left their partners/spouses because they fell in love with someone at work and kept it platonic.
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Well, not to get inside his head, no. If they are flirting to the point of going out to lunch, then the detective would have something to work with, or if your husband leaves the workplace to go on sales calls or whatever, it would be easier to observe whatever might be going on.

I, too, have heard of people who fall in some sort of “love,” or lust, or whatever, with someone at work, but who keep it secret. It’s a one-sided emotional affair, but the contrast between what they feel for the other person and what they feel (or don’t feel) for their spouse is too great to continue the marriage, or so they believe. So they tear up their marriage and family, sometimes even leave the workplace, and eventually hook up with someone else and commit real adultery.

The whole thing is simply terrible. Still praying for you.
 
A friend placed a voice activated tape recorder under the bed and left for a few days to be with her Mom. Once back home she had all the proof she needed.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
It’s been a few days, Contra - how’s it going now?
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I don’t know. I still feel numb. I don’t think it is an affair. I am now convinced that he is a seriously messed up person, and has always been. I didn’t see it because he hid it well. Plus, I grew up with emotional abuse from my narcissistic father, and according to my friend who is a psychiatrist, it is very common for women like that to unconsciously seek men who have emotional issues. Apparently I am a textbook example of that. I did see some things in my husband back then, but I explained them away, I justified him and was fooled by his good acting skills. Everybody has been fooled by his acting skills. My friends and family are in absolute shock and can’t believe this is happening.

The only thing that is preventing me from staying in bed depressed is that I have to take care of the kids. My husband is in such a state now that I can’t rely on him when it comes to the children. The only thing he can now do is look after them for maybe a couple of hours. He is on the edge.

I’m trying to negotiate things that will work for me and the kids. Unfortunately, he insists I do what he wants and has started manipulating me into believing I am the selfish one who refuses to do the right thing. I’m trying hard to stay rooted in reality. I don’t think I’ll stick around for much longer.

Thank you for thinking about me. It means a lot.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I don’t know. I still feel numb. I don’t think it is an affair. I am now convinced that he is a seriously messed up person, and has always been. I didn’t see it because he hid it well. Plus, I grew up with emotional abuse from my narcissistic father, and according to my friend who is a psychiatrist, it is very common for women like that to unconsciously seek men who have emotional issues. Apparently I am a textbook example of that. I did see some things in my husband back then, but I explained them away, I justified him and was fooled by his good acting skills. Everybody has been fooled by his acting skills. My friends and family are in absolute shock and can’t believe this is happening.

The only thing that is preventing me from staying in bed depressed is that I have to take care of the kids. My husband is in such a state now that I can’t rely on him when it comes to the children. The only thing he can now do is look after them for maybe a couple of hours. He is on the edge.

I’m trying to negotiate things that will work for me and the kids. Unfortunately, he insists I do what he wants and has started manipulating me into believing I am the selfish one who refuses to do the right thing. I’m trying hard to stay rooted in reality. I don’t think I’ll stick around for much longer.

Thank you for thinking about me. It means a lot.
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Still wish he could be kicked out…based on what you say. But I understand - you have to take care of yourself and your children. I am praying for you as always, and I know lots of others here are too.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Still wish he could be kicked out…based on what you say. But I understand - you have to take care of yourself and your children. I am praying for you as always, and I know lots of others here are too.
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Thank you very much. I believe that all these prayers are keeping me sane.

I talked to my FIL again and gave him an update. After a short pause he said that it seems that my husband is not coping well with being a father and a husband, that he is just not coping well with life. I completely agree. He seems like a child to me now, lost and helpless and really mean to me. I’d love to help him but he is not letting me. I am not excusing him at all, I have just come to a sad realisation that I married a boy in a man’s body, a boy who is very confused and emotionally messed up. I really hope that I will have grounds for annulment because it doesn’t seem like what we’ve had is a marriage.
 
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