Husband wants a divorce - Update

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I’m so happy for you, Contra! God has the power to transform the greatest tragedies into something good and beautiful.

I literally had to read your post from today a couple of times, because I wasn’t sure if I had read the text correctly!

Alll great posts above…Schieffelin, I really like your points about both individual and couple’s counseling…and your emphasis on how well Contra approached the whole situation.

I suppose it’s only natural to feel numb and a bit guarded. I hope it eventually lessens. It seems that it both of you will have to be willing to make yourselves extremely vulnerable to talk though these things…maybe even more so than when you first met.

Praying that things will continue to improve–and that you will find a very good therapist, preferably an orthodox Catholic one!

Peace.
 
I am so happy to read that there is hope. I pray for all the perfect miracles for the highest love and for your Marriage to be blessed by God. Amen
 
This is great. I will pray for you - however, proceed with caution and protect your assets. My ex did this to me once as a way of getting my trust and getting more money out of the household. Be careful.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
We have had a few unexpected turns here. I have no idea what has happened but my husband seems to have snapped out of it. On saturday he went out for the afternoon, came back and apologised for the craziness. We talked. He doesn’t want to lose us. He told me he loved me. I am in complete shock again and am still trying to process it all. I really don’t know what to say. He thinks it was stress and then something pushed him over the edge. He said that he just wanted to run away from everything because he couldn’t cope. He has a doctor’s appointment on monday. He was against marriage councelling at first but has now agreed to go because I insisted. I don’t know what to expect. I still feel frozen inside and I think I will need councelling to help me heal.

I ask for your ongoing prayers and advice on how to handle this stage of marital crisis if you have some thoughts.

Thank you all for your support. It has made a world of difference to me in the last few weeks.
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This is my first time posting, but I have been following your posts since your initial thread. You were receiving so much good advice from others, I didn’t want to congest your thread, as I didn’t have anything new to add.

I wanted to tell you how happy I am for you. I’m shocked as well. As others have suggested, proceed with caution, but this could have been a product of everyone’s prayers. God bless you and your family.
 
joanofarc2008 said:
This is great. I will pray for you - however, proceed with caution and protect your assets. My ex did this to me once as a way of getting my trust and getting more money out of the household. Be careful.
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Excellent advice. I would be wary as well. For someone to go back and forth like this so abruptly, I would worry that he still cannot be trusted. It seems terrible to say that, and yet…Once burned, twice learned. We older folks have seen it all.
 
Hmmm. Yes, proceed with caution. All of a sudden he comes to his senses. He loves you.

A friend went through this same thing, naturally took her husband back into the home. Naturally, wanted to believe he is sincere and wanted to keep the marriage together.

While she was at work he loaded up the furniture and the rest of the household goods and cleaned out the bank accounts.
 
OP: I meant to add that I hope this scenario is not in your future and that your husband is being truthful with you but do be on guard too.
 
Thank you for the comments and advice. I’m still amazed how many people have been praying for me and wishing me well.

I will look into marriage councelling in the next few days and perhaps go individually for a few sessions. I need to process what has happened. This numbness that I have been feeling has probably been a coping mechanism, as well as shock.

Of course, it will take a while for trust to return. No need to worry that he is back because of some financial gain because there is none. We have no savings, we don’t even own our furniture.

I guess I will simply have to assume that him coming back to us is for real if we are going to make this work. I can’t proceed with doubt, but I will proceed with caution. I know he can turn around and leave. It is a risk I will have to take. I have never imagined that our marriage crisis would look like this, I always assumed I would be the one to lose it and do something stupid. Oh well, life is full of surprises.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Why is he going to the doctor? Or is it a psychiatrist? Just wondering why he’d choose to go now instead of before he threw you into a tailspin and nearly torched his life.

p.s. Still praying for you.
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He is going to see a GP first, and then a specialist if the GP decides he needs one. I hope that he does end up seeing someone because I am worried about him. A friend who works in the field of psychiatry thought it was stress from the beginning, rather than mental illness. She said that stress can be seriously dangerous and it can make some people lose the plot. At one point I started believing in this myself, after I ruled out other possibilities. I am very happy he will see a doctor about this and take necessary steps. He only now realises what he has done, he thought his actions were completely rational so that is why he did not go sooner.
 
Schieffelin said:
I commend you for your patience and your grace and for turning it over to God. I am quite sure things would have turned even more nasty if not for the way you handled it.
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Thank you. From the first day it happened I put my trust completely into God’s hands. Normally I rely on myself first and only think of God later. I believe that my trust and reliance on Him in this situation was a result of grace. So many people have been praying for us and that has helped me stay sane. I really feel blessed and don’t know how I would have coped without the support, being so far away from family and friends. God sent help my way in several very real ways and I am grateful to Him. My husband told me yesterday that he is amazed how I handled the situation and his weird behaviour, and that he now realises I am a much better person than he ever gave me credit for. Well, I am glad he thinks so but I will not take the credit for it. I constantly felt I was being carried through this by someone very loving.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
He is going to see a GP first, and then a specialist if the GP decides he needs one. I hope that he does end up seeing someone because I am worried about him. A friend who works in the field of psychiatry thought it was stress from the beginning, rather than mental illness. She said that stress can be seriously dangerous and it can make some people lose the plot. At one point I started believing in this myself, after I ruled out other possibilities. I am very happy he will see a doctor about this and take necessary steps. He only now realises what he has done, he thought his actions were completely rational so that is why he did not go sooner.
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Wow…well, at least he “woke up” before he had seriously torched his life and yours, and his kids’ lives in the process. All the best and I will continue to pray for you.
 
I’ve been checking in on this thread too Contra Mundum, and I was so happy to hear this unexpected news! I’ll keep praying for you and your family!
 
Still praying here.

Echoing others: proceed with caution, paying attention to your children’s and your needs and emotions.
 
I finally got to this thread again after a couple of weeks. He turned around!!! Wow!

I hope it works out! I hope he is in 100%. You must feel so confused right now!
 
Serap said:
You must feel so confused right now!
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Completely.

He wants things to go back to normal but I need some time to process it all. It is I who needs a bit of distance now. No idea how long I will feel like this. It is horrible and I feel like I am in limbo.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Completely.

He wants things to go back to normal but I need some time to process it all. It is I who needs a bit of distance now. No idea how long I will feel like this. It is horrible and I feel like I am in limbo.
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That’s ok. And if he has trouble with that, that’s his own freaking problem. He’s the one who set your life on fire. He’s just lucky that he decided not to throw the gasoline on it. It will take some time to put the fire out and rebuild. First thing’s first: He needs to get some mental help and so do you. That puts out the blaze. Then you can work on rebuilding.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Completely.

He wants things to go back to normal but I need some time to process it all. It is I who needs a bit of distance now. No idea how long I will feel like this. It is horrible and I feel like I am in limbo.
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He damaged your trust in him and in your relationship. That’s real, and it’s going to take time and effort to heal the wounds. If he accepts responsibility for what he did, it will still take some time, and it’s likely that you will never quite trust him in the same way again. Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I have found that trust is a very fragile thing…not easily reconstructed.

😦

That he simply wants things to go back to normal is a concern.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Completely.

He wants things to go back to normal but I need some time to process it all. It is I who needs a bit of distance now. No idea how long I will feel like this. It is horrible and I feel like I am in limbo.
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Well, if you handle the slow process of reconciliation as well as you handled yourself during the period of crisis, and if your persist in your prayer life, we can trust that God’s grace will bring healing eventually. The way in which that will happen is likely best navigated by a qualified marriage and family therapist, so it seems the sooner you and/or her can begin speaking with a therapist, the better. There probably need to be some interventions offered by a qualified person to stay your distancing and guide your husband’s improvement. There are probably no easy answers. Be patient with yourself, and with him.
 
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