Husband wants divorce

[mariemargaret]

OK, I’m back!

What your priest said is correct; you can’t change his mind. My pastor advised me that it takes two to fix a marriage, and if he isn’t interested in fixing the marriage, there is nothing you can do about it. It’s tragic and awful and wrong and unfair, but that is the bottom line.

By the time he came out and said he wanted a divorce, you can be sure he’d been thinking about it for some time already and had decided. It’s not something you say without thinking it through. USMC sounds like he (and his wife) wanted to work towards fixing things, and good for him and them! Mine is not, and out he went. I tried everything I could think of to try to convince him to work things out. You can spend a lot of time and energy doing that, and if you think it will work go for it. But really, if he’s decided that he needs to be away from you to live his life the way he wants to live it, then he’s going to do it.

I think that my -what do I call him?- estranged husband? - is depressed and had been living the way that he thought he was supposed to live, but was not true to himself. Sounds like your guy too. Mine was not clear about how he was feeling (… living the way he thought he was supposed to live), and I didn’t know there was a problem until it was too late.

About the money, like styrgwillidar, I haven’t had to worry too much about money disappearing, but you know your guy. It is possible that he could take all the money. At least create a record of the assets that you have. We are also working with a mediator to split things up which is working pretty well, so I recommend that too if you can work together. It’s a lot less expensive if you go that way.

Him moving out is not the end of the world, by the way. There are lots of stories of people separating and then getting back together; it can happen. As styrgwillidar noted, we don’t know the personalities involved. You know him better than any other person, although I’m betting that he is unrecognizable to you right now. And if he doesn’t come back, well, you will get through that too. At 30, you still have a lot of life to live, and children to raise!

So, practically speaking… he needs to be evaluated/treated for depression, if you can convince him to do it. You and he both need therapy separately and together, if he will go. Pray, pray, pray. Talk to that friend. Take care of your kids and yourself. People kept telling me to take care of myself, and I wasn’t really sure what that meant. I think it means to get out of bed, shower, be sure to eat the right foods, get some exercise, go about your business. Take care of you children. Take care of your emotions and your head. Be true to your values and your faith. Rely on your faith because it will carry you through this.

Ok, I’m not big on bible verses. This one is hard to swallow, but I can attest that there is truth in it: ‘Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.’ James 1:2-4. Rely on your faith through this trial, and your faith will be strengthened and perfected; there is joy to be experienced in that!

Regardless of how your marriage turns out, your faith is eternal. You are in my prayers tonight.

 

[Nettie01]

Thank you all for the really good helpful advice and prayers. I have read and reread all the posts. It helps! Although I still feel like I am in a fog and am confused as to what to do when he comes home from his trip in Sunday morning. I am watching my sister’s house while they are away. Should I stay there? Or should I stay at my house. I don’t want to be clingy or beg and I don’t want to be tempted to do that, but I don’t want to give the impression that I also have thrown in the towel.

Regarding a midlife crisis- His dad has prostate cancer and it spread to his lymph nodes. His dad is an opinionated atheist. Maybe this has something to do with why my husband wanting to leave and as he said 'life is short". Also I understand it must be very hard marry to a Catholic when you are not Catholic. Although he knew what he was signing on for. Especially because we already had a child together. I don’t make him go to church or join in prayers. We do pray for his conversion during the morning offering and he will say grace before meals and bedtime prayers with the kids.

Thank you all again and I will remember you in my prayers also!

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you all for the really good helpful advice and prayers. I have read and reread all the posts. It helps! Although I still feel like I am in a fog and am confused as to what to do when he comes home from his trip in Sunday morning. I am watching my sister’s house while they are away. Should I stay there? Or should I stay at my house. I don’t want to be clingy or beg and I don’t want to be tempted to do that, but I don’t want to give the impression that I also have thrown in the towel.

Regarding a midlife crisis- His dad has prostate cancer and it spread to his lymph nodes. His dad is an opinionated atheist. Maybe this has something to do with why my husband wanting to leave and as he said 'life is short". Also I understand it must be very hard marry to a Catholic when you are not Catholic. Although he knew what he was signing on for. Especially because we already had a child together. I don’t make him go to church or join in prayers. We do pray for his conversion during the morning offering and he will say grace before meals and bedtime prayers with the kids.

Thank you all again and I will remember you in my prayers also!

Leaving or staying in the house triggers legal issues–talk to a lawyer before doing anything of that nature.

 

[mariemargaret]

The house is a big deal. Do you want to stay in the house or leave it to him? If you want to stay in the house, then you should be there when he returns from his trip. It is possible that he could return and then not let you back in. Since you are the only one working now, you may need to pay the mortgage/rent, whether you are living in the house or not. If he’s in the house and you aren’t, there are issues also with what is in the house and who’s things are whose. It will depend on who he is as a person as to how he handles these things.

If you stay in your house, you will need to decide whether you want to have him in the house with you or not. Can you stand to have him around? What do you think will help to resolve issues, or make them worse? Is he even willing to talk with you or work on any issues? Can he afford to live somewhere else? Can he stay with his brother or dad? It’s tricky with him not having an income; you might have to help to support him during a separation.

What is his relationship with his dad? If they are close, then his dad’s illness surely has him thinking about his life and how it is going.

You could spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure out what is going on in his head, and I can tell you based on my experience, it can be an exercise in futility. When/if you do get some answers to some of your questions, the answers will likely not make sense. And sometime these situations need some time and space for some clear thinking.

I’ll keep praying for you and your kids…

 

[His_helpmeet]

Hi Everyone,

I am typing this for advice and mostly prayers. My husband asked for a divorce on Sunday night and then left for a trip away with his dad and uncle for a week. I don’t want to talk to my family yet and I would like us to go to counseling together, but I don’t know if he will be willing. He said previously that he was unhappy with everything in his life. I thought it was mostly his job, etc. He quit is job and is now unemployed, but I guess he was mostly unhappy with me. We don’t fight really and are not abusive. He says he can not be himself around me and that he dreads when I am coming home, etc. He is non Catholic. We have been married for 6 years and have a 10, 5 and 3 year old together. I have tried to schedule a therapist for myself, but can not get an app until next week. I also called my local parish priest and he said that this is my husbands decision and I can’t change it, but to pray. I feel like everything has shut down and I can’t breath. Please pray for us and my children. Thank you and God Bless!

Will your husband consider going to Retrouvaille? This has been known to be extremely helpful for marriages in crisis.

I also wonder if your husband is possibly depressed. He has said he’s “unhappy with everything in his life”. At the very least, I recommend that he see a doctor for a complete check-up. If he is depressed, this may be colouring his outlook on the situation and he may be more willing to consider therapy if he is able to get treatment.

 

[Nettie01]

I don’t think he would do Retrouvaille. Maybe! I am hoping for therapy though. Do you get diagnosed with depression through your regular doc?

 

[Xantippe]

Will your husband consider going to Retrouvaille? This has been known to be extremely helpful for marriages in crisis.

I also wonder if your husband is possibly depressed. He has said he’s “unhappy with everything in his life”. At the very least, I recommend that he see a doctor for a complete check-up. If he is depressed, this may be colouring his outlook on the situation and he may be more willing to consider therapy if he is able to get treatment.

Yes!

 

[USMC_Convert]

Hey, okay so kind of a just so you know, I wasnt catholic when I married my wife and I converted eventually, also while its wrong to use as a weapon but the biggest I was scared of during my trials was losing my kids or being able to see them. Maybe simply remind him gently of that…

Thank you all for the really good helpful advice and prayers. I have read and reread all the posts. It helps! Although I still feel like I am in a fog and am confused as to what to do when he comes home from his trip in Sunday morning. I am watching my sister’s house while they are away. Should I stay there? Or should I stay at my house. I don’t want to be clingy or beg and I don’t want to be tempted to do that, but I don’t want to give the impression that I also have thrown in the towel.

Regarding a midlife crisis- His dad has prostate cancer and it spread to his lymph nodes. His dad is an opinionated atheist. Maybe this has something to do with why my husband wanting to leave and as he said 'life is short". Also I understand it must be very hard marry to a Catholic when you are not Catholic. Although he knew what he was signing on for. Especially because we already had a child together. I don’t make him go to church or join in prayers. We do pray for his conversion during the morning offering and he will say grace before meals and bedtime prayers with the kids.

Thank you all again and I will remember you in my prayers also!

 

[mariemargaret]

Hey, okay so kind of a just so you know, I wasnt catholic when I married my wife and I converted eventually, also while its wrong to use as a weapon but the biggest I was scared of during my trials was losing my kids or being able to see them. Maybe simply remind him gently of that…

I hate to say this, but the amount of time either parent gets to spend with the kids depends greatly on where you live. In my state, you don’t need a reason to divorce, and both parents are legally entitled to 50/50 time with the kids. As a matter of fact, in my state, if you interfere with him spending time with the kids, the courts could rule for him having more time with them than you.

There are resources on the web to answer that question for your state. He may not be aware of the legalities of it all, but really, you don’t want to use the kids to get him to stay. If he stays you will want it to be his choice to work on the marriage, not because he might not get to see his kids. In reality, after separation/divorce, neither of you is going to have as much time as you want with your kids.

 

[Nettie01]

I won’t use the kid card. We did have a baby before marriage so we split child time before. Also I doubt he would drain the $ account. There isn’t anything in there to drain. I have cash on the side in case of natural disasters/emergencies. Also it could be another woman but with him being unemployed, he just messes around all day playing video games and staying up late. Also we have each other passwords etc. I can go on his phone anytime. He is always great with the kids and will do anything for them. I just keep praying that therapy will be an option before divorce and keep praying and keep praying. Even if therapy doesn’t end in marraige- it will help us communicate and coparent.

 

[DAML72]

I know you are going through a tough time and wish you well. Make sure you protect yourself financially in this situation. Usually, if a man says he wants a divorce he has been thinking about it for quite some time and there may be someone else in the picture. That has been my experience and the experience of others I know. I grasped at straws and asked mine to go to counseling and he agreed only to get in there and continually say he didn’t want to get back together. So, I guess he agreed to the counseling only so that he would look good - like he was doing something when he really wasn’t. Then he married the woman in his office 6 months later. So, what I am saying is that you can attempt to get him into counseling but at the same time you must protect yourself.

Same here - minus the marrying someone else. She was already married and kept both of them on. Now she’s got man #3 in her life, but I digress. A friend of mind says they never leave unless there is someone else. Well, he hasn’t left yet, and I certainly hope that’s not the case, but it’s a good possibility.

 

[USMC_Convert]

Hmmmm! I think I said this poorly, you guys aren’t taking it the way I meant it. Okay kids are not a weapon, or a card! I’m not suggesting threatening with them, or looking up local laws to see who gets more time…

I would, was I in your position, GENTLY remind him that you have children who are going to be, till the day THEY enter heavens gates, affected by this. I’m certainly glad to hear he and the kids have a good relationship. Financially, I’m sorry, I feel your pain and I’ll add that into my prayers. “Playing video games, messing around all day and staying up late”. Hmmmm all the things I did, told my wife I was doing, and in reality didn’t do when I was cheating. My wife has access to all phones computers accounts banks etc. how do you think she caught me once she thought there might be a possibility.

PLEASE DONT BE PARANOID!!! Be prepared, just open yourself up to the possibility, trust me I’m sure most guys aren’t as big of scumbags as me, but for yours and your kids sake, just think about what I’ve said.

I won’t use the kid card. We did have a baby before marriage so we split child time before. Also I doubt he would drain the $ account. There isn’t anything in there to drain. I have cash on the side in case of natural disasters/emergencies. Also it could be another woman but with him being unemployed, he just messes around all day playing video games and staying up late. Also we have each other passwords etc. I can go on his phone anytime. He is always great with the kids and will do anything for them. I just keep praying that therapy will be an option before divorce and keep praying and keep praying. Even if therapy doesn’t end in marraige- it will help us communicate and coparent.