Husband wants to put teen on birth control

[BernieR63]

Our 17 year old daughter has been dating her boyfriend for 3 years now. He’s very sweet, respectful, an all around good kid. We’ve taught her since the day it came up, to wait until marriage. Especially with her being in a 3 year relationship, I do wonder sometimes and get concerned, so I try to mention about once a month the importance of abstaining. I will admit for past year or year and a half she has seemed a little…annoyed by me mentioning that, but I like to think that it’s just because I try to drill it into her head. My husband has mentioned to me that he thinks it’d be best to get her on birth control. We both believe that it’s immoral, and I argued with him, telling him that’s it’s basically a free pass saying “Here ya go, you won’t get pregnant, have fun!” However I do agree with him, I don’t want her to be pregnant if she is sexually active, but if she is, she must be using condoms anyway. I’ve never asked her if they were, because I’m afraid of the answer. I’ve honestly just always done my best to keep my head in the sand and hope that she’s not, which I do regret because it’s not the smartest thing. Anyone have any good Catholic advice?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I agree you are right for not asking, because your job is to teach her right from wrong. If she chooses to sin, it is between her and God.

However, I also agree you should NOT be putting her on the pill because it is giving her a free past. Honestly, I would be more concerned of being able to go to heaven than my daughter getting pregnant.

 

[nodito]

I am inclined not to put the teenager on hormonal birth control. I think it’s bad for her health and sends the wrong message and would basically make the two of you culpable in the sin of contraception if she is having sex.

I don’t think it’s too late for you and your husband to set some new rules if you think it would help her avoid sex with her boyfriend, whether or not they have already been intimate with each other. Like curfews or rules about chaperones, and the like. One thing my husband and I have tried to do in the past is have family confession day about once a month. Everyone comes to the church and you don’t have to confess if you don’t want to, but the opportunity is there and everyone else has to sit quietly/pray/feel their conscience nag at them.

I wonder also if you might consider ramping up your pray life for this particular issue. You can’t fight the temptation for her, but you could be a prayer warrior of sorts, with time devoted every night to praying specifically that she avoids this temptation.

How well do you know the boyfriend? Does he visit your house a lot?

 

[BernieR63]

I am inclined not to put the teenager on hormonal birth control. I think it’s bad for her health and sends the wrong message and would basically make the two of you culpable in the sin of contraception if she is having sex.

I don’t think it’s too late for you and your husband to set some new rules if you think it would help her avoid sex with her boyfriend, whether or not they have already been intimate with each other. Like curfews or rules about chaperones, and the like. One thing my husband and I have tried to do in the past is have family confession day about once a month. Everyone comes to the church and you don’t have to confess if you don’t want to, but the opportunity is there and everyone else has to sit quietly/pray/feel their conscience nag at them.

I wonder also if you might consider ramping up your pray life for this particular issue. You can’t fight the temptation for her, but you could be a prayer warrior of sorts, with time devoted every night to praying specifically that she avoids this temptation.

How well do you know the boyfriend? Does he visit your house a lot?

We’ve always tried to be careful on curfews, no being out after 11, if you’re going to the movies, you’d better be home within 30 minutes of when the movie ends.

I know him pretty well, and I also know his family. He comes over 3 or 4 times a week usually.

 

[DAML72]

I second that it’s bad for her health and sends the wrong message.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Our 17 year old daughter has been dating her boyfriend for 3 years now. He’s very sweet, respectful, an all around good kid. We’ve taught her since the day it came up, to wait until marriage. Especially with her being in a 3 year relationship, I do wonder sometimes and get concerned, so I try to mention about once a month the importance of abstaining. I will admit for past year or year and a half she has seemed a little…annoyed by me mentioning that, but I like to think that it’s just because I try to drill it into her head. My husband has mentioned to me that he thinks it’d be best to get her on birth control. We both believe that it’s immoral, and I argued with him, telling him that’s it’s basically a free pass saying “Here ya go, you won’t get pregnant, have fun!” However I do agree with him, I don’t want her to be pregnant if she is sexually active, but if she is, she must be using condoms anyway. I’ve never asked her if they were, because I’m afraid of the answer. I’ve honestly just always done my best to keep my head in the sand and hope that she’s not, which I do regret because it’s not the smartest thing. Anyone have any good Catholic advice?

Your husband wants to add a sin in case she sins? Not to mention the abortifacient issue. Just bad bad theology and parenting all around!

 

[juliamca]

We raised 3 daughters. All have done well. In a recent conversation with my youngest, now 28 the most impressionable thing I said to her was that if they had sex, and got pregnant, they were not going to bring that baby home. They would have to give it up for adoption. I would not raise it.They knew I meant it, because I never went back on what I said. Rules were Rule. My girls had part time jobs and with school ,4 H and basketball, there was little time for boys. They also saw a few of their cousins get pregnant and struggle with an unwanted pregnancies . They were the youngest kids in the family on both sides. They saw a lot and it was not pretty.
Mom, talk to her. Let her know how you feel. You are her mother, but you can talk to her with out asking questions you don’t really want to know the answers to, and she most likely won’t be honest with you anyway. Just talk to her .Give her your point of view and go from there. God Bless you.

 

[R_C]

My husband has mentioned to me that he thinks it’d be best to get her on birth control.

This way of thinking is contrary to the Gospel of Life and would lead your daughter on the road to damnation. Think carefully.

I don’t want her to be pregnant if she is sexually active

This idea may be as bad as the idea of using birth control.

A Christian must **always **welcome life.

Sexuality ought to remain between the spouses, because otherwise it is gravely disordered and sinful. However, conception remains a gift from on high, and if your daughter were to conceive, you should rejoice and give thanks to the Almighty and be ready to support her unconditionally, so that she may bring the child to life.

I understand 17 years old is very young. Instead of insisting on the morality of birth control, which by now she surely gets if you properly educated her, you may want to discuss on the health risk of pregnancy at that age, on the fact that she is not ready to be a mother, and above all else, on the fact that birth control is in no way whatsoever a guarantee that pregnancy will not occur. There is plenty of material for you out there to find and discuss with her. If you don’t believe it, contact your Respect Life diocesan office.

Also I am not in a position to say this, but I will: I think it is a mistake to not discuss this matter with your minor daughter. Don’t you have a duty to do something about it? You may not want to ask if she is engaging in fornication, but you may want to address the matter in some way or another, because she is a child of 17, and she should not be in this situation (she started dating at 14?) even though in this age it is fairly common.

You may want to discuss the matter with other practicing Catholic mothers, or try to reach out to the Respect Life office, or discuss about it with your pastor. Hardly will a forum provide the kind of assistance you and your spouse need.

 

[BettyBoop416]

In a recent conversation with my youngest, now 28 the most impressionable thing I said to her was that if they had sex, and got pregnant, they were not going to bring that baby home. They would have to give it up for adoption.

 

[BernieR63]

I had the same reaction! I wouldn’t exactly be jumping for joy if she conceived out of wedlock, but I’d still love and keep my grandchild.

 

[Pug]

Please don’t put your daughter on the pill. First, it is a vote of no confidence in your daughter and she will hear it well. Second, it will likely lead her to see premarital sex as an inevitability that she must accept, since her parents, who are against birth control, see it as somehow necessary to use a detestable means to stem the tide. People don’t often resist what they perceive as inevitable. Fourth, it will implicate you in willing the contraception to “work” as intended else you would not be giving it to her. Fifth, I don’t think it models the idea of sticking to your beliefs to your child. Children notice that sort of thing, though they don’t always comment on it.

Hopefully one of these will be helpful. I tend to sound robotic sometimes, but I don’t mean to. You must be concerned for your daughter right now! :hug1:

 

[Allegra]

I don’t see how you can provide your daughter with birth control. It sends horrible messages, especially if she isn’t having sex! You are basically telling her that you don’t have the expectation that she will be able to abstain, despite what you have taught her. You are essentially drugging your daughter with a dangerous cancer-causing substance in order to make her available for sex with boys who don’t love her. In addition to that, it is an abortifacient.

Other than normal motherly worrying, do you have any reason to believe that she is having sex? What does she say when you mention chastity? Have you talked to her about maintaining the virtue of chastity as she grows older? In case anyone is wondering, most high school sex ed classes do not cover Theology of the Body or Holy Sex! A person is going to either learn it from their parents or they have to learn it on their own. Explain how sex is part of a sacrament. It’s something holy and sacred. Explain how chastity now will effect her future marriage. Explain how the virtue of chastity influences your marriage.

People always complain that abstinance-only sex education doesn’t work. That’s because most of such programs promote virginity-until-you’re-old-enough and not chastity-for-a-lifelong-healthy-marriage-and-family.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

When my wife was 13 her parents sat her down, handed her a packet of birth control pills and told her she was going to start taking them because they knew she was going to have sex anyway. She hadn’t really thought much about it before then. A week or so later she lost her virginity. What she saw as her parents’ negative attitude toward her was a big part of why she decided to do it. Her friends all waited until they were 15-16, which is when their parents put them on the pill. For the record, it didn’t stop her or a few of her friends from getting pregnant. It also didn’t stop a couple of her friends from becoming walking petri dishes, crawling with an alphabet soup of STD’s. As far as my wife goes, it also led to a whole host of health problems, none of which got any better until after our first daughter was born and she stopped taking the pill altogether.

 

[wmw]

This is the modern equivalent of the medieval practice of putting chains and metal plate on a daughter to form a “Chasity belt”. I don’t see why other parents would even think that this sort of forced control of their children’s body is reasonable. It looks to be abuse to me. DSHS would look the other way since they are so pro-pill, but the physical equivalent would likely make her a ward of the state.

 

[DeniseNY]

This is the modern equivalent of the medieval practice of putting chains and metal plate on a daughter to form a “Chasity belt”. I don’t see why other parents would even think that this sort of forced control of their children’s body is reasonable. It looks to be abuse to me. DSHS would look the other way since they are so pro-pill, but the physical equivalent would likely make her a ward of the state.

What?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

What?

It makes perfect sense. The purpose of a chastity belt, after all, wasn’t to keep a girl mentally and emotionally chaste; it was to keep her from getting pregnant and ruining the family. That’s exactly what the Pill is used for nowadays.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

We raised 3 daughters. All have done well. In a recent conversation with my youngest, now 28 the most impressionable thing I said to her was that if they had sex, and got pregnant, they were not going to bring that baby home. They would have to give it up for adoption. I would not raise it.They knew I meant it, because I never went back on what I said. Rules were Rule. My girls had part time jobs and with school ,4 H and basketball, there was little time for boys. They also saw a few of their cousins get pregnant and struggle with an unwanted pregnancies . They were the youngest kids in the family on both sides. They saw a lot and it was not pretty.
Mom, talk to her. Let her know how you feel. You are her mother, but you can talk to her with out asking questions you don’t really want to know the answers to, and she most likely won’t be honest with you anyway. Just talk to her .Give her your point of view and go from there. God Bless you.

I would think that would be a recipe for disaster. And abortions. My kids can come to me with anything, even a pregnancy and I will help them with that issue, and when you are talking about maternal emotions, potential grandchildren, and support that all will need, laying down an ultimatum like that seems counterproductive to what we should be trying to do. Rules are rules, is hardly a good idea when it comes to things like babies.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

The question you have to ask yourself is this: do you want your daughter’s life to be pleasant, or do you want her to be a good and honorable person?

If you pick the latter, then she needs to experience the natural consequences of her actions.

She’s not dumb, and it’s possible for her to contracept without you knowing it. If she IS sexually active and doesn’t contracept, then she knows exactly what she’s doing. Daddy wants her life to be perfect, but Daddy can’t always be there to save the day. His little girl needs to learn to stand and walk on her own.

 

[pensmama87]

I agree with other posters that giving her birth control would be sending the wrong message.

However, I also have something to add, based on my experiences as a teen and then as a high school teacher:

If your daughter has been dating this guy for three years, she is probably having sex with him. That is a long time to be in an exclusive relationship (if they were adults, we’d be telling them to go ahead and get married already!). I knew a lot of teens who were in exclusive relationships who basically saw themselves as being married, but living in different houses. Does this absolutely have to be the case for your daughter and her boyfriend? No. But it does make me really wary about letting a 14 year old date.

I also wonder why you couldn’t just ask her straight up, “Are you and [name] having sex?” If they are, ask her why. If she won’t answer, ask her why. If she says no, explain why you want to know. You don’t need all the sordid details, but you are her mother and you do still bear some responsibility for her actions as a minor. I know I would have appreciated more direction from my parents on this issue (although at the time I would have been embarrassed), instead of just sticking their heads in the sand and pretending their precious little girl wouldn’t ever be interested in something like that.

 

[Aaahm28]

If a couple is going out with each other for longer then 2 years and they still do not know if they are to be married then they must break it off, as obviously they don’t love each other that much. In this case the mother needs to tell her daughter and the boyfriend it’s time for you two to marry or split up. It’s either love that is for ever or it’s horse&$@&.

If the daughter is so mature to have a boyfriend with the parents blessing its time she moved out and started her own life in matrimony.

Start organising a wedding for them for a set date and tell them they have a month to decide and then you are inviting everyone. That will avoid the need to talk about potentially carcinogenic but definitely unhealthy contraceptive pills.

The children are under the Parents care until the Children get married or reach a reasonable age of reason which is about 24-26 in males and slightly less in females. The parent has the right to interfere in their children’s lives to ensure that they do not make mistakes that will bring the family unit down.

It’s either marriage, a break up or the highway is what I would tell me daughter.