Husband wants to put teen on birth control

[Maine52]

**If a couple is going out with each other for longer then 2 years and they still do not know if they are to be married then they must break it off, as obviously they don’t love each other that much. In this case the mother needs to tell her daughter and the boyfriend it’s time for you two to marry or split up. It’s either love that is for ever or it’s horse&$@&. **

**If the daughter is so mature to have a boyfriend with the parents blessing its time she moved out and started her own life in matrimony. **

Start organising a wedding for them for a set date and tell them they have a month to decide and then you are inviting everyone. That will avoid the need to talk about potentially carcinogenic but definitely unhealthy contraceptive pills.

The children are under the Parents care until the Children get married or reach a reasonable age of reason which is about 24-26 in males and slightly less in females. The parent has the right to interfere in their children’s lives to ensure that they do not make mistakes that will bring the family unit down.

It’s either marriage, a break up or the highway is what I would tell me daughter.

You do realize they are only 17.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I also wonder why you couldn’t just ask her straight up, “Are you and [name] having sex?” If they are, ask her why. If she won’t answer, ask her why. If she says no, explain why you want to know. You don’t need all the sordid details, but you are her mother and you do still bear some responsibility for her actions as a minor. I know I would have appreciated more direction from my parents on this issue (although at the time I would have been embarrassed), instead of just sticking their heads in the sand and pretending their precious little girl wouldn’t ever be interested in something like that.

I wouldn’t go this far, but I would say that your daughter probably thinks that at some level you “don’t want to know”. If you can express to her that (a) you want to know, (b) you do not judge, and (c) you will not force her to do anything, then I think she would likely respond with more openness.

Even if she is chaste right now, she’s probably feeling guilty for some aspect of the relationship, and she needs to talk to someone about that. If it’s not you, it will likely be someone far less trustworthy.

Oh, and a fourth thing: I think she needs it to just be between you and her. Her father doesn’t need to know anything unless she tells him. It’s time to start treating her like an adult.

 

[PaulinVA]

I had the same reaction! I wouldn’t exactly be jumping for joy if she conceived out of wedlock, but I’d still love and keep my grandchild.

There was a thread or two on this recently. Very interesting discussion.

My youngest daughter is about 17. We have dinnertime conversations about current events and my daughters (and son) know that if you have sex, you will eventually get pregnant, because that is the “expected” result, in terms of the biology. Condoms break, pills aren’t taken regularly or don’t work, whatever.

If you are not ready for the expected result, don’t do it. When you are ready, with a spouse, that’s great.

Since the pill isn’t totally effective (womenshealth.gov says that using the pill, 5 women out of a hundred will get pregnant in a year), putting your child on the pill and giving them carte blanche to have sex is doing them a disservice.

 

[williamwilliam]

“Dating” has different meanings at different ages. At 17, it is wrong to permit dating when it is not a courtship meant to lead to marriage.

Consider the option of her marrying at a young age. I don’t agree with birth control, but I also don’t agree it’s fair to expect young adults to be chaste for a long period of time. You’re sending mixed messages to your child if she’s allowed to date but encouraged to wait until she’s much older for marriage. In effect, you’re encouraging a behavior that will increase her likelihood to fail at being chaste.

 

[Allegra]

If a couple is going out with each other for longer then 2 years and they still do not know if they are to be married then they must break it off, as obviously they don’t love each other that much. In this case the mother needs to tell her daughter and the boyfriend it’s time for you two to marry or split up. It’s either love that is for ever or it’s horse&$@&.

If the daughter is so mature to have a boyfriend with the parents blessing its time she moved out and started her own life in matrimony.

Start organising a wedding for them for a set date and tell them they have a month to decide and then you are inviting everyone. That will avoid the need to talk about potentially carcinogenic but definitely unhealthy contraceptive pills.

The children are under the Parents care until the Children get married or reach a reasonable age of reason which is about 24-26 in males and slightly less in females. The parent has the right to interfere in their children’s lives to ensure that they do not make mistakes that will bring the family unit down.

It’s either marriage, a break up or the highway is what I would tell me daughter.

The OP’s daughter is a minor. She is not old enough to rent a car. How the heck is she supposed to run a household and mother children? Your post does illustrate the problems associated with allowing a child of 14 to date and be in an “exclusive relationship” in the first place.

I remember two school mates of mine whose parents allowed them to be a “couple” in the seventh grade. They drove them to dates, let them spend the night at each other’s houses , celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with each other’s families, and basically treated them like an adult couple. The rest of the students really didn’t know what to do with the situation as most of us were still playing with dolls and silly putty.

In the 9th grade, the boy’s parents bought a diamond ring for their son to give to the girl so they could be engaged! They were 14 years old! The only thing I can figure was that the parents thought it was some sort of cute pretend engagement for little kids who were just innocently playing. However, when the “bride to be’s” parents started sending out engagement party invites to the extended family, things suddenly got REAL! DFS was called. Court dates were set. Restrainging orrders were issued. etc. Their relationship went downhill really fast. The boy ended up transfering to a private school.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I had the same reaction! I wouldn’t exactly be jumping for joy if she conceived out of wedlock, but I’d still love and keep my grandchild.

Really? I actually was very impressed by the firmness of this mother. Telling her daughter she is responsible for her actions. I think if more people set her example, teen pregnancy rates would go down. After all, if mommy and daddy are always going to pick up my mess, what motivation is there for a child to behave.

Not to mention, children being brought up by grandma and grandpa aren’t always in the best situation. They get attached to their grandparents and then when they grow up, mom gets her own place and they no longer live with their grandparents. Not to mention grandparents no longer have as much energy and the kid is not disciplined properly.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I would think that would be a recipe for disaster. And abortions. My kids can come to me with anything, even a pregnancy and I will help them with that issue, and when you are talking about maternal emotions, potential grandchildren, and support that all will need, laying down an ultimatum like that seems counterproductive to what we should be trying to do. Rules are rules, is hardly a good idea when it comes to things like babies.

She never said her kids could not come to her with those issues, she simply said they would have to give the kid up for adoption. I think it is a lot more fair to tell children upfront what will happen they to have them thinking ‘I am/my GF is pregnant what will my parents say’

I know a lady whose daughter got pregnant so she let the BF move into their house so the grandkid could live in the same house as her father. Her younger son did not appreciate having all these people suddenly in the house and it cause tension. Why is this boy being inconvenience because of his sister’s actions?

 

[BernieR63]

I don’t see how you can provide your daughter with birth control. It sends horrible messages, especially if she isn’t having sex! You are basically telling her that you don’t have the expectation that she will be able to abstain, despite what you have taught her. You are essentially drugging your daughter with a dangerous cancer-causing substance in order to make her available for sex with boys who don’t love her. In addition to that, it is an abortifacient.

Other than normal motherly worrying, do you have any reason to believe that she is having sex? What does she say when you mention chastity? Have you talked to her about maintaining the virtue of chastity as she grows older? In case anyone is wondering, most high school sex ed classes do not cover Theology of the Body or Holy Sex! A person is going to either learn it from their parents or they have to learn it on their own. Explain how sex is part of a sacrament. It’s something holy and sacred. Explain how chastity now will effect her future marriage. Explain how the virtue of chastity influences your marriage.

People always complain that abstinance-only sex education doesn’t work. That’s because most of such programs promote virginity-until-you’re-old-enough and not chastity-for-a-lifelong-healthy-marriage-and-family.

When I mention it, it seems like it does annoy her, and its always the classic “I know” “I know” “OK mom” “I know” probably because I have mentioned it so many times, and I can’t really blame her getting frustrated at that. I don’t really have anything that could make me think 100% that they’re having sex, I just know that they clearly must really like each other, they spend a lot of time together…and they’re human.

 

[BernieR63]

If a couple is going out with each other for longer then 2 years and they still do not know if they are to be married then they must break it off, as obviously they don’t love each other that much. In this case the mother needs to tell her daughter and the boyfriend it’s time for you two to marry or split up. It’s either love that is for ever or it’s horse&$@&.

If the daughter is so mature to have a boyfriend with the parents blessing its time she moved out and started her own life in matrimony.

Start organising a wedding for them for a set date and tell them they have a month to decide and then you are inviting everyone. That will avoid the need to talk about potentially carcinogenic but definitely unhealthy contraceptive pills.

The children are under the Parents care until the Children get married or reach a reasonable age of reason which is about 24-26 in males and slightly less in females. The parent has the right to interfere in their children’s lives to ensure that they do not make mistakes that will bring the family unit down.

It’s either marriage, a break up or the highway is what I would tell me daughter.

Well, they’re 17. I’m not going to make her get married at 17, when I have asked her and she said that they have talked about their future, and do plan to get married when the time is right.

 

[BernieR63]

“Dating” has different meanings at different ages. At 17, it is wrong to permit dating when it is not a courtship meant to lead to marriage.

Consider the option of her marrying at a young age. I don’t agree with birth control, but I also don’t agree it’s fair to expect young adults to be chaste for a long period of time. You’re sending mixed messages to your child if she’s allowed to date but encouraged to wait until she’s much older for marriage. In effect, you’re encouraging a behavior that will increase her likelihood to fail at being chaste.

I’ve discussed marriage with her, and they do plan to get married when they’re out of high school.

 

[BernieR63]

The OP’s daughter is a minor. She is not old enough to rent a car. How the heck is she supposed to run a household and mother children? Your post does illustrate the problems associated with allowing a child of 14 to date and be in an “exclusive relationship” in the first place.

I remember two school mates of mine whose parents allowed them to be a “couple” in the seventh grade. They drove them to dates, let them spend the night at each other’s houses , celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with each other’s families, and basically treated them like an adult couple. The rest of the students really didn’t know what to do with the situation as most of us were still playing with dolls and silly putty.

In the 9th grade, the boy’s parents bought a diamond ring for their son to give to the girl so they could be engaged! They were 14 years old! The only thing I can figure was that the parents thought it was some sort of cute pretend engagement for little kids who were just innIfdiently playing. However, when the “bride to be’s” parents started sending out engagement party invites to the extended family, things suddenly got REAL! DFS was called. Court dates were set. Restrainging orrders were issued. etc. Their relationship went downhill really fast. The boy ended up transfering to a private school.

That’s crazy! How in the world did they not see it was real before? 9th grade is a little too old to be playing wedding! Also, how do parents let kids stay the night together and expect them not to do anything? I’d never permit a sleep over at 17, I don’t care if they’ve been together 3 years or not. It may be happening, but I will never accept it like that.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

She never said her kids could not come to her with those issues, she simply said they would have to give the kid up for adoption. I think it is a lot more fair to tell children upfront what will happen they to have them thinking ‘I am/my GF is pregnant what will my parents say’

I know a lady whose daughter got pregnant so she let the BF move into their house so the grandkid could live in the same house as her father. Her younger son did not appreciate having all these people suddenly in the house and it cause tension. Why is this boy being inconvenience because of his sister’s actions?

When you are dealing with pregnancy and shut the door on some of the pro life choices right off the bat you are risking so much. When dealing with young girls who get pregnant one of the highest reasons for abortion is the parental aspect. Not to mention that telling a person that you will not help with the baby is really a bad step to take because either like the poster said “rules are rules” and if the daughter decided to keep a baby you would not help with it, thereby punishing a child. Or like common sense would dictate, you would love that child and help your own daughter no matter what her decision but you would go back on your scare tactic of not helping and trying to force an adoption. It is not good either way. Hey here is an idea, how about talking and educating a child and helping them make responsible choices and then if a mistake happens, dealing with it with love and a Christlike parental attitude.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

She never said her kids could not come to her with those issues, she simply said they would have to give the kid up for adoption. I think it is a lot more fair to tell children upfront what will happen they to have them thinking ‘I am/my GF is pregnant what will my parents say’

I know a lady whose daughter got pregnant so she let the BF move into their house so the grandkid could live in the same house as her father. Her younger son did not appreciate having all these people suddenly in the house and it cause tension. Why is this boy being inconvenience because of his sister’s actions?

Seriously? If my brother was dealing with his girlfriend’s unintended pregnancy, my mother would have without question opened her home to the girl and the child so that the family could be together.

If I “did not appreciate” this and complained about being “inconvenienced”, my mother would have let me know in no uncertain terms that my new niece or nephew was far more important that anyone’s “convenience”, and although it is unexpected, our family is growing and I need to be ready to provide love and support. That’s just what family does-even when it isn’t easy.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

When you are dealing with pregnancy and shut the door on some of the pro life choices right off the bat you are risking so much. When dealing with young girls who get pregnant one of the highest reasons for abortion is the parental aspect. Not to mention that telling a person that you will not help with the baby is really a bad step to take because either like the poster said “rules are rules” and if the daughter decided to keep a baby you would not help with it, thereby punishing a child. Or like common sense would dictate, you would love that child and help your own daughter no matter what her decision but you would go back on your scare tactic of not helping and trying to force an adoption. It is not good either way. Hey here is an idea, how about talking and educating a child and helping them make responsible choices and then if a mistake happens, dealing with it with love and a Christlike parental attitude.

Maybe its just because I come from a long line of headstrong and devoted women, but this wouldn’t have worked in my family. The women in my family, myself included, would have found somewhere else to live, found a way to get through high school, and found a way to support the child. It’s hard, but it can be done. The grandparents can choose to help or not. But if they refuse to help hoping to strong arm the daughter into an adoption that doesn’t happen, then they will be the ones to lose the relationship with their daughter and never get to be a part of their grandchild’s life.

 

[Allegra]

Seriously? If my brother was dealing with his girlfriend’s unintended pregnancy, my mother would have without question opened her home to the girl and the child so that the family could be together.

If I “did not appreciate” this and complained about being “inconvenienced”, my mother would have let me know in no uncertain terms that my new niece or nephew was far more important that anyone’s “convenience”, and although it is unexpected, our family is growing and I need to be ready to provide love and support. That’s just what family does-even when it isn’t easy.

Furthermore, when you are a member of a family, you are perpetually being inconvenienced by the needs and actions of the other family members, just as they are being inconvenienced by you. Although, I think it would be wise of the hypothetical parents to remember to provide attention to the younger brother and be aware of the stress the situation may cause for him. That doesn’t mean you can’t bring the baby home though.

 

[Anglewannabe]

When I mention it, it seems like it does annoy her, and its always the classic “I know” “I know” “OK mom” “I know” probably because I have mentioned it so many times, and I can’t really blame her getting frustrated at that. I don’t really have anything that could make me think 100% that they’re having sex, I just know that they clearly must really like each other, they spend a lot of time together…and they’re human.

I can’t remember the name of the book but it was by Judy Bloom. A girl got a boyfriend and her parents started to think they were spending too much time together. She was 16 and they made her go away to camp for the summer to take a break from this guy. At the end of the book, they broke up. It just goes to show their love was not that real even though they were always together.

I suggest limiting their time together since it does provide the occasion of sin. If it was meant to be, they will survive it.

Angie

 

[Anglewannabe]

When you are dealing with pregnancy and shut the door on some of the pro life choices right off the bat you are risking so much. When dealing with young girls who get pregnant one of the highest reasons for abortion is the parental aspect. Not to mention that telling a person that you will not help with the baby is really a bad step to take because either like the poster said “rules are rules” and if the daughter decided to keep a baby you would not help with it, thereby punishing a child. Or like common sense would dictate, you would love that child and help your own daughter no matter what her decision but you would go back on your scare tactic of not helping and trying to force an adoption. It is not good either way. Hey here is an idea, how about talking and educating a child and helping them make responsible choices and then if a mistake happens, dealing with it with love and a Christlike parental attitude.

I think it is very Christlike to do what is best for the baby. I think a baby adopted by a loving couple is much better off than one who is being brought up by Grandparents who can’t give them what they really need.

Babies are a LOT of work and I think often, Grandparents keep the baby out of guilt but are not really equipped to do what is best for the baby. I honestly think that a child deserve a mother and father who love them and can care for them. If a teenage girl can not even keep her own apartment, can she really do what is best for a baby.

I am not saying it is wrong for Grandparents to let the baby live with them. I am saying that if the grandparents are not able to provide for the baby, it is much better to be upfront from the beginning.

I knew a girl who got pregnant at 16 and kept the baby. She got pregnant again at 19 and her mom just couldn’t take it and made her move out. She couldn’t handle the two kids so after 6 months she gave them both up for adoption. She said she will never forget leaving her 3 year old son and the way he cried ‘mommy’ as she left the room

I think it would have been better for her to give the kid up when she was 16.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Seriously? If my brother was dealing with his girlfriend’s unintended pregnancy, my mother would have without question opened her home to the girl and the child so that the family could be together.

.

My neighbour had a second baby when her daughter was 9. The daughter found the way the kid crawled into her stuff annoying and was forever taking pillows and hitting the kids face with it. And this was her own brother ! I realize this is an extreme case but it just goes to show the reality or what goes on.

Baby’s can be really loud and annoying. I think it was one thing to tell a teenager ‘there is a baby in the house because it is your sibling’ and it is another to tell him ‘because you are his uncle.’

Not to mention, you are showing the younger children ‘Feel free to sin and have sex, we will care for you baby’

Angie

 

[guanophore]

Our 17 year old daughter has been dating her boyfriend for 3 years now. He’s very sweet, respectful, an all around good kid. We’ve taught her since the day it came up, to wait until marriage. Especially with her being in a 3 year relationship, I do wonder sometimes and get concerned, so I try to mention about once a month the importance of abstaining. I will admit for past year or year and a half she has seemed a little…annoyed by me mentioning that, but I like to think that it’s just because I try to drill it into her head. My husband has mentioned to me that he thinks it’d be best to get her on birth control. We both believe that it’s immoral, and I argued with him, telling him that’s it’s basically a free pass saying “Here ya go, you won’t get pregnant, have fun!” However I do agree with him, I don’t want her to be pregnant if she is sexually active, but if she is, she must be using condoms anyway. I’ve never asked her if they were, because I’m afraid of the answer. I’ve honestly just always done my best to keep my head in the sand and hope that she’s not, which I do regret because it’s not the smartest thing. Anyone have any good Catholic advice?

May God bless you and your husband for your faithfulness and desire to raise your daughter in the faith,

The truth is that she can go get her own contraception at school or at a clinic without your knowledge by the age of 13 (and some kids get it before that). She can also have an abortion without your knowledge.

Rather than keeping your head in the sand, though, you really need to take the lead in bringing up your concerns as well as common issues. Talk about the effects of sex before marriage. Use the Chastity material on this website, and don’t miss an opportunity to slip in your thoughts and the Teaching of the Church. Parents are the best prevention to teen pregnancy.

You can also pray with her and over her when she goes on a date that God will help her to guard her chastity and invoke the saints protection of her, such as St. Maria Goretti, who guarded her chastity with her life.

Don’t be afraid to ask her what she thinks about sex and sexual activity. I know it will be hard for you, but many teens today don’t think of anything besides intercourse as “sex” (wonder where they got that?) so oral sex is practiced so much that teens are getting sexually transmitted infections in their mouths. Steel yourself! It is likely she has had these discussions with her peers already.

Also, be quick to notice aloud her expression, and ask her what she is feeling and thinking. You are assuming she is annoyed by what you are saying, but does that mean it is because she has already crossed the chastity line? Or is it because you keep repeating yourself? She may not be willling to tell you, but it is important that you are asking and are open to hearing what that annoyed expression means.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

 

[LongingSoul]

Our 17 year old daughter has been dating her boyfriend for 3 years now. He’s very sweet, respectful, an all around good kid. We’ve taught her since the day it came up, to wait until marriage. Especially with her being in a 3 year relationship, I do wonder sometimes and get concerned, so I try to mention about once a month the importance of abstaining. I will admit for past year or year and a half she has seemed a little…annoyed by me mentioning that, but I like to think that it’s just because I try to drill it into her head. My husband has mentioned to me that he thinks it’d be best to get her on birth control. We both believe that it’s immoral, and I argued with him, telling him that’s it’s basically a free pass saying “Here ya go, you won’t get pregnant, have fun!” However I do agree with him, I don’t want her to be pregnant if she is sexually active, but if she is, she must be using condoms anyway. I’ve never asked her if they were, because I’m afraid of the answer. I’ve honestly just always done my best to keep my head in the sand and hope that she’s not, which I do regret because it’s not the smartest thing. Anyone have any good Catholic advice?

I can remember when I was young that my mother always seemed to suspect me of doing sexual things and I didn’t like the feeling of that at all. I didn’t mind her leaving relevant articles from the Majellan magazine or Catholic newspaper on my bed to read but her constant suspicion just felt like an invasion of my boundaries… especially considering that I really was very guarded of my chastity.

I do feel for your dilemma though Bernie R63. It is a constant worry in this permissive day and age. I’ve tried to strike a balance with my own daughter (she’s 20) of letting her know clearly what Catholic teaching on these issues is plus having my own expectation of her as her mother… and trying not to obsess and harbour suspicions. Keep them in your prayers and hand as much of that worry of what might happen over to the Lord.