Husband who doesn't like to be intimate

[Katarinita1]

My problem is as simple as it gets. My husband doesn’t like to make love… In general… He’s never been into physical stuff. I didn’t mind before we got married because we wanted to remain virgins until marriage, but now I am confused.
I am sure is better this way in many levels. We get to spend more time talking but often I feel like we are lacking emotions, real romance and so on. We just got married but I feel empty and it kills my feelings for him.
We are using NFP, trying to avoid pregnancy because I am a student and we want to wait for me to finish. Do you have any experience with this? How can I change so I wouldn’t want it anymore, or make my husband to have sex with me more than once a month?! I think he feels afraid that he will get me pregnant. He is very responsible. I don’t know what else I can share that would give you the correct idea, but please, If you can, give me some advice! Thank you so much.

 

[silentfactor80]

My problem is as simple as it gets. My husband doesn’t like to make love… In general… He’s never been into physical stuff. I didn’t mind before we got married because we wanted to remain virgins until marriage, but now I am confused.
I am sure is better this way in many levels. We get to spend more time talking but often I feel like we are lacking emotions, real romance and so on. We just got married but I feel empty and it kills my feelings for him.
We are using NFP, trying to avoid pregnancy because I am a student and we want to wait for me to finish. Do you have any experience with this? How can I change so I wouldn’t want it anymore, or make my husband to have sex with me more than once a month?! I think he feels afraid that he will get me pregnant. He is very responsible. I don’t know what else I can share that would give you the correct idea, but please, If you can, give me some advice! Thank you so much.

Without knowing the details of your relationship it is hard to say. Do you respect him as a man? What does respecting a man mean to you? What is his profession? What are you studying? How old are you both?

There are several main reasons why a man would not be into sex. 1) Biological 2) He is getting it elsewhere 3) His wife is disrespectful and she makes him feel like garbage 4) Psychological issues

Or a combination of those issues…

 

[Katarinita1]

Without knowing the details of your relationship it is hard to say. Do you respect him as a man? What does respecting a man mean to you? What is his profession? What are you studying? How old are you both?

There are several main reasons why a man would not be into sex. 1) Biological 2) He is getting it elsewhere 3) His wife is disrespectful and she makes him feel like garbage 4) Psychological issues

Or a combination of those issues…

Well, I respect him very much and I appreciate him and everything he does. I am cooking for him every day, taking care of him, loving him. He sometimes tells me that I am very sexual, when I am trying to flirt with him. That turns me off and I am hurted. I am 22 and he is 30 years old. He has a great job, degree in Engineering and I am working on Master’s degree in communications. We just got married and everything else is really great. We love being married. I asked him if he is attracted to me and he told me he was very much but he was just scared to get me pregnant. I mean… He likes when we have sex, but he doesn’t really need it and he doesn’t try to look for opportunities to make love at all.

And I am sure he is not getting elsewhere.

 

[Kensho]

If it’s a simple fear of pregnancy, understanding how NFP works and having access to your charts should help. But I must ask, does he want to have children?

 

[silentfactor80]

Well, I respect him very much and I appreciate him and everything he does. I am cooking for him every day, taking care of him, loving him. He sometimes tells me that I am very sexual, when I am trying to flirt with him. That turns me off and I am hurted. I am 22 and he is 30 years old. He has a great job, degree in Engineering and I am working on Master’s degree in communications. We just got married and everything else is really great. We love being married. I asked him if he is attracted to me and he told me he was very much but he was just scared to get me pregnant. I mean… He likes when we have sex, but he doesn’t really need it and he doesn’t try to look for opportunities to make love at all.

And I am sure he is not getting elsewhere.

Do you guys have arguments aside from this one?

 

[Katarinita1]

If it’s a simple fear of pregnancy, understanding how NFP works and having access to your charts should help. But I must ask, does he want to have children?

No, we don’t have major arguments besides this one.
He does want to have children, but not just yet and he doesn’t trust NFP that much and he wouldn’t erect inside. I really don’t know what to do. I think this is not even NFP, it’s not right. I feel hurted and unattractive

 

[silentfactor80]

No, we don’t have major arguments besides this one.
He does want to have children, but not just yet and he doesn’t trust NFP that much and he wouldn’t erect inside. I really don’t know what to do. I think this is not even NFP, it’s not right. I feel hurted and unattractive

Which NFP method are you using? Also, his not erecting is more serious than just being afraid. That may be a biological issue. He might have low testosterone.

 

[Katarinita1]

Which NFP method are you using? Also, his not erecting is more serious than just being afraid. That may be a biological issue. He might have low testosterone.

We are using the one in which I measure the temperature. And he doesn’t have a problem with erection. He erects every time we have sex, he just doesn’t do it inside me.

 

[silentfactor80]

We are using the one in which I measure the temperature. And he doesn’t have a problem with erection. He erects every time we have sex, he just doesn’t do it inside me.

The BBT method alone is eh not the best you could do. Try getting the OvaCue fertility monitor. As an engineer I am sure he can appreciate the science behind it. It is 98% accurate in predicting when ovulation occurs when you use the vaginal sensor. As long as you know when you ovulate you can figure out your fertility window quite accurately. It is a little expensive but worth the investment.

I am totally confused about this erection issue. Does he erect outside you and then loose it when he gets inside?

 

[LaSainte]

The BBT method alone is eh not the best you could do. Try getting the OvaCue fertility monitor. As an engineer I am sure he can appreciate the science behind it. It is 98% accurate in predicting when ovulation occurs when you use the vaginal sensor. As long as you know when you ovulate you can figure out your fertility window quite accurately. It is a little expensive but worth the investment.

I am totally confused about this erection issue. Does he erect outside you and then loose it when he gets inside?

I think she means he doesn’t ejaculate inside her.

 

[Katarinita1]

The BBT method alone is eh not the best you could do. Try getting the OvaCue fertility monitor. As an engineer I am sure he can appreciate the science behind it. It is 98% accurate in predicting when ovulation occurs when you use the vaginal sensor. As long as you know when you ovulate you can figure out your fertility window quite accurately. It is a little expensive but worth the investment.

I am totally confused about this erection issue. Does he erect outside you and then loose it when he gets inside?

thanks.i will check it out and tell my husband about it.
and about the erection…
when we have sex,before he erects he takes it out so he wouldn’t do it while he is in… i am so sorry but its just hard for me to describe these things.

 

[silentfactor80]

thanks.i will check it out and tell my husband about it.
and about the erection…
when we have sex,before he erects he takes it out so he wouldn’t do it while he is in… i am so sorry but its just hard for me to describe these things.

Also look into the Marquette Method. It uses a different monitor called the ClearBlue but OvaCue has a nice calendar looking thing.

As far as the erection thing goes that isn’t such a smart idea. For starters, you can still get pregnant even if he doesn’t release inside you. Also, I don’t know how he could take that kind of stimulation and not need to release. Either he has low testosterone or he might be finishing himself off in private. When a guy is aroused getting un-aroused is not easy. Unless he has some hideous memory that jolts his brain I would ask him how he can just withdraw and not go crazy.

 

[bolinstephen]

Prayers for you both.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

You said he’s an engineer. Numbers oriented. Might have difficulty in general relating to people. Basically a very nice and decent person. But a little awkward in personal situations.

An old, senior priest/pastor might be able to gently explain to him that he’s allowed to have sex with his wife. And is part of his marital responsibilities.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

We are using the one in which I measure the temperature. And he doesn’t have a problem with erection. He erects every time we have sex, he just doesn’t do it inside me.

I’m sorry to have to inform you that this is a grave sin. It is called onanism. (Assuming you are using erecting as a euphemism for ejaculating.)

 

[nancymarie]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like my own marriage, My husband never changed. I stayed but should have sought counselling, maybe even divorce and an annullment.

Please talk to your priest about this. If he isn’t opne to children at all then you may not have a valid marriage.

 

[Kensho]

Dear, I am so sorry you are going through this. Of course you feel rejected and unattractive. I’ve been there. Be assured that it almost certainly has nothing to do with you.

Inigo is right, what your husband is doing is a grave sin. Is he Catholic? Does he understand the Catholic teaching about marital sexuality?

A couple of thoughts. Obviously I can’t know this since I don’t know your husband and don’t have much information to work with, but one thing running through my head is that your husband may have a secret addiction to pornography. Men who have been using pornography a lot for a long time have difficulty being attracted to a real woman and to acting on the attraction when they feel it. They can get so accustomed to the ease with which they can bring themselves to climax that they cannot climax during normal intercourse.

Or your husband can have an abnormal fear of pregnancy. He needs to understand NFP so he can trust it, but I am even more concerned about his possible rejection of the idea of parenthood. As Catholics, we are to be open to life, and although using NFP is licit in certain situations, this intense fear of pregnancy when there is no life or death need to avoid it is in itself a concern. You say he has a good job, so I don’t know what the great fear would be about. Does he not want to provide for a wife and family?

Please talk to a priest ASAP, preferably together. I am concerned that there may be an impediment against your husband contracting a valid marriage, and IF that is true, it’s better to know sooner rather than later. If not, then there may be medical or psychological problems that should be dealt with immediately.

 

[mwncheesehead]

Please talk to a priest ASAP, preferably together. I am concerned that there may be an impediment against your husband contracting a valid marriage, and IF that is true, it’s better to know sooner rather than later. If not, then there may be medical or psychological problems that should be dealt with immediately.

Good grief, I hope this doesn’t scare away the poor OP from the thread…she never hinted towards porn and lack of a valid marriage. She was just lamenting her husband’s lack of interest in sex… Don’t you think this is taking her question a bit too far at this point?

 

[Kensho]

Good grief, I hope this doesn’t scare away the poor OP from the thread…she never hinted towards porn and lack of a valid marriage. She was just lamenting her husband’s lack of interest in sex… Don’t you think this is taking her question a bit too far at this point?

No, I don’t. She posted wanting advice, and it is impossible even to begin advising without considering all the possibilities. The two scenarios above are not rare. Addiction to pornography in particular is very common, and when she described what happens that’s what I immediately thought of. I said myself that I can’t know for sure – how could I? – but whatever the problem is, it sounds like a serious one to me.

 

[Katarinita1]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like my own marriage, My husband never changed. I stayed but should have sought counselling, maybe even divorce and an annullment.

Please talk to your priest about this. If he isn’t opne to children at all then you may not have a valid marriage.

I didn’t know it was a sin to do it the way we do. And my husband and I want to have children but not just yet. I mean, I am not so keen on having sex all the time. I don’t need it to be happy, neither my husband, but It does bring us closer to each other, at least it should and I know there is sth wrong about it.