husband won't work

[Naomi]

I’m really struggling with a lot of negative feeling about my husband .He has a really good degree but he won’t take a job that pays well .Last week after the bills were paid I had 139.00 for gas and grocerys for the next 2 weeks .We don’t have cable , or go out or buy new . Ther isn’t anywhere to cut expences . We are a family of 6 ! He also isn’t interested in the chart . He always get cozy during phase 2 . I hate always having to say no. I really hate welfare and borrowing from friends and family. I really don’t know what he thinks about . Why does he do this ? Does he enjoy this spiral slide ? Why won’t he take care of us ??

 

[Et_Cetera]

Just get yourself far away from the situation. Ayn Rand once said that a true scoundrel is someone who takes more from society than he gives back. Leave this lazy scoundrel.

 

[bilop]

I’m really struggling with a lot of negative feeling about my husband .He has a really good degree but he won’t take a job that pays well .Last week after the bills were paid I had 139.00 for gas and grocerys for the next 2 weeks .We don’t have cable , or go out or buy new . Ther isn’t anywhere to cut expences . We are a family of 6 ! He also isn’t interested in the chart . He always get cozy during phase 2 . I hate always having to say no. I really hate welfare and borrowing from friends and family. I really don’t know what he thinks about . Why does he do this ? Does he enjoy this spiral slide ? Why won’t he take care of us ??

Does he work steadily? Or does he just refuse to look for a better job? Have you discussed it with him?

God Bless

 

[kevinsgirl]

I’m really struggling with a lot of negative feeling about my husband .He has a really good degree but he won’t take a job that pays well .Last week after the bills were paid I had 139.00 for gas and grocerys for the next 2 weeks .We don’t have cable , or go out or buy new . Ther isn’t anywhere to cut expences . We are a family of 6 ! He also isn’t interested in the chart . He always get cozy during phase 2 . I hate always having to say no. I really hate welfare and borrowing from friends and family. I really don’t know what he thinks about . Why does he do this ? Does he enjoy this spiral slide ? Why won’t he take care of us ??

Like other posters have asked, does your husband have a steady job? If he does, have you discussed ways to supplement the income and improve his pay?

Have you sat down with a sheet of your expenses and income with your husband and asked him what he thinks about it?

Your husband is behaving immaturely if he refuses to work harder/search for a better job and also to try to provide adequately for your children.

Are you on welfare currently? How old is your youngest child? What does your husband’s work schedule look like?

If I were you, I’d discuss things with your DH first. Then I’d use NFP and tell him that you have to provide for your children by using it until you are in a better situation. If he wants to break the NFP rules, ignore him. Yes, you have a responsibility to be a good wife, but you also have a responsibility to be a good mother. Using NFP right now because you want to be able to feed your other children is a good reason.

Depending on your husband’s work schedule and the age of your other children, I’d go get a job to supplement the family income.

I’d also recommend that you meet together with your parish priest to discuss your situation and what he suggests for you both to do to work on your marriage.

 

[Appleby]

Was he like this when you married him? Has this decision not to work happened recently (relatively speaking)?

If he was like this when you married him, I would say you are stuck with it; what you see is what you get when it comes to marriage. Perhaps you thought it was ‘cute’ that he was a ‘free spirit’ and did not realize that he was in fact a parasite looking for someone else to pay the bills while he spent his time ‘finding himself’.

If this change in attitude has happened recently, perhaps he has a medical problem, is suffering from depression, has fallen in with a bad crowd who encourage him to live off you, or is engaged in another life on the side.

In any event, direct confrontation is your best method of handling the situation. I would advise the plain language you used above, i.e. tell him that you hate being a beggar on welfare and having people ask you, “Why won’t your husband support your family?” and that it is humiliating the children too.

 

[Larowyn]

lol, Ayn Rand.

 

[bilop]

Just get yourself far away from the situation. Ayn Rand once said that a true scoundrel is someone who takes more from society than he gives back. Leave this lazy scoundrel.

Not an acceptable Catholic Answer.

God Bless

 

[thenewmrssears]

I love Ayn Rand’s literature, but I do not believe that her theories of objectivism really apply to Catholicism…just really economics.

You have a duty to address the situation immediately. Employ the help of your Priest or a Catholic counselor in the situation.

Has he always been like this? How are you both? Did something happen in his life that would cause this recently?

Do you have a degree you can put to use? Maybe he wants to be a stay-at-home dad? Or is he absent from childrearing as well?

There are a lot of unanswered questions that could completely change the sort of answer I would provide.

Assuming that he is just not living up to his “potential” I would show him how low the checkbook is, and ask him how he feels about not providing for his children. This is a bad market, but it isn’t that bad. Depending what his degree is in, he should be able to find a job.

As for the NFP dispute, I would remind him what the Catholic Church calls married couples to do. We are to abstain from the use of artificial birth control. It does not seem as though now is the time to be trying to conceive, and please remind him of that. How are you to have more children when he cannot provide for 6?

Also, pray pray pray! God shows us his love and gives us opportunities in those moments when we come to him. Also, does your husband pray and attend Church? Maybe he needs to regain hold of his faith…

Good luck to you. I can’t imagine how hard this is.

I’ve never been to Retrouvaille, but you may look into it. A number of people on these boards have seen the benefits of the program.

 

[Paul2274]

Praying for you and your family for things to get better.

Might be dealing with a touch of depression?

Paul

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m really struggling with a lot of negative feeling about my husband .He has a really good degree but he won’t take a job that pays well .Last week after the bills were paid I had 139.00 for gas and grocerys for the next 2 weeks .We don’t have cable , or go out or buy new . Ther isn’t anywhere to cut expences . We are a family of 6 ! He also isn’t interested in the chart . He always get cozy during phase 2 . I hate always having to say no. I really hate welfare and borrowing from friends and family. I really don’t know what he thinks about . Why does he do this ? Does he enjoy this spiral slide ? Why won’t he take care of us ??

**I’m sorry Naomi…

It’s not uncommon for people in general, not just men, to be afraid of success. We are taught to plan for it, educate ourselves for it…but when it comes to actually seeking it, it can seem daunting. Because the opposite of success, to many, is failure. So, your husband might be afraid of failing you and the family, so he stays ‘stuck’ in a comfort zone, that is barely making ends meet for the family. And even though he sees the hardship it causes, he has grown used to it, and it’s comfortable. (for him) So, perhaps, discuss that with him. When the kids are in bed, sit with him, and talk with him about his desires, and goals…and if he is fearful of success. I hope things get better, and I’ll be praying for you all.**

 

[rpp]

Et Cetera;4225016:

Just get yourself far away from the situation. Ayn Rand once said that a true scoundrel is someone who takes more from society than he gives back. Leave this lazy scoundrel.

Not an acceptable Catholic Answer.

God Bless

Quite correct, bilop. Dissolution of a marriage is a very grave undertaking and certainly not called for in this circumstance. Ayn Rand’s ideas, based on her atheism, are not compatible with Church teaching, even if a sound bite or two seems reasonable.

Naomi, I hope you can come back and answer some of the very good questions some of the other posters have asked. Does he actually have a job? Do you consider him to be lazy? Does he have confidence in his job skills? Have you talked about why he is unwilling to get a (better?) job?

May God grant you His peace.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I’m not saying all of Rand’s ideas hold up, but that is a fine quote that I paraphrased in my earlier post.

 

[Naomi]

Thanks for all of your replies. I’m going to try and answer all of your questions.Divorce isn’t really aqn option . It’s not Catholic or practical . I’ve never read Ayn Rand . He works in retail always has … He has long hours all over the clock and little pay . Very few people retire from his position . It;s a job . His degree is in economics. We talk . I try to be supportive and encouraging and then I get frustrated and become a shrew . I keep the check book. I had turned it over to him . But that was a big mistake . When he ran out of money , he stopped paying bills . He let a 32$ hospital bill go to collections . 32$ !!! He can run a store . He’s the Financial Secretary for K of C. But he WON’T take care of us ! Welfare- I have 2 on WIC and 3 getting free lunch . He won’t use the WIC vouchers because he finds it humilating. This is a small town . Everyone knows our business.If he can’t/won’t provide I have to turn somewhere. My baby was a medicare baby . I’ve learned a lot about pride .

 

[kage_ar]

Perhaps you can find a job to assist with supporting the family? Is an aunt or grandma who would watch the kids (you know, the way families used to do)? If you have moved far from your family, perhaps you can find something that is different days/hours so you can work when DH is home with the kids?

Like it or not, the US economy is built around two income families - unless one spouse has a job that pays well, both may need to work or one work two jobs.

You say his degree is in economics - is this a bachelors? What did he plan to do with the degree when he was in college?

 

[Naomi]

PART 2 Our children are 12 , 6 , 4 and 20 months . My degree is in psychology . My goal is to get a teaching certificate so I can start work when the baby startes school. We met in college . Everyone was broke . He is the first one of his family to go to college .( His brother didn’t even graduate from high school ) I thought that this indicated he goal oriented and motivated. He was like this early in out 18 yr marriage .But I had a job and there were no children. The 4th baby , gas and food prices … we’re sliding . He has tried antidepressants . It helped with the NFP problem. LOL . I think fear of success is part of the problem . He plays with the children but he doesn’t parent them . BUT , he loves us , he doesn’t drink ,he doesn’t yell , he doesn’t chase women . I have alot to be grateful for . Most fo our friends would be suprise and shocked to read this. Thanks for listening.

 

[magic_stick]

As far as saving money, you can discountinue your internet service. That would save money too. Just a thought because my sister had to do that at one point.

 

[kage_ar]

He was like this early in out 18 yr marriage .But I had a job and there were no children.

If he was like this when you dated and married, (not to sound too much like “Dr Laura”)… this is the person he is. So many women think the man will change after marriage and children, and, as you know, are sadly dissappointed.

Perhaps he will thrive as a Stay at Home Dad?

 

[1ke]

Naomi,

Some will probably disagree with me and say you have to let your husband be the “head” no matter what. But, it is my opinion that he has abdicated that role and the respect and submission that goes with it.

As you said, this is about your children having a roof over their head or not. Your husband may have some deep mental problems, and if he won’t seek help then I don’t know what you can do. He refuses to do what is necessary for your family.

So, if it were me, I would get emergency certification immediately and go to work NOW. I would not wait the three more years until the youngest is school age. That three years might be the difference between complete ruin and turning the corner.

I don’t care how “loving” he is, his behavior is unacceptable. I would not be grateful, I would be FURIOUS. I don’t think I’d be able to stay in such a situation.

What does he say when you **confront **him with the facts?

 

[Naomi]

If he was like this when you dated and married, (not to sound too much like “Dr Laura”)… this is the person he is. So many women think the man will change after marriage and children, and, as you know, are sadly dissappointed.

Perhaps he will thrive as a Stay at Home Dad?

I’m not the same person I was 18 years ago . Are you ? I like to think that I’ve grown and risen to the challenges in my life . When I confront him he acts sad and compairs himself to a washing machine . " I work hard but so do washing machines " . I am furious . But I want to keep peace in my family . Other than when I blow it is a very low conflict relationship. Most people think we have something special . I can’t decide if I’m living a lie or making the best of a bad thing.

 

[graceandglory]

Praying for you and your family for things to get better.

Might be dealing with a touch of depression?

Paul

I agree with Paul.
It could be a case of “for richer, for poorer” and “in sickness and in health.”

No one ever said that in this day and age, a woman has the right to stay home and not work. If your husband can’t support 6 children, you need to be helping out. The current financial crisis and government bailout is just one symptom of a country that can’t afford a one income family.