husband won't work

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Naomi said:
. But he WON’T take care of us ! Welfare- I have 2 on WIC and 3 getting free lunch . He won’t use the WIC vouchers because he finds it humilating. This is a small town . Everyone knows our business.If he can’t/won’t provide I have to turn somewhere. My baby was a medicare baby . I’ve learned a lot about pride .
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I’m a school teacher, and trust me, not everyone knows your business. I have no idea which of my students receive free or reduced lunches.

A school teacher in my state qualifies for free and reduced lunches for her own children by the way. That’s just the cost of living on one salary.

Your husband can’t support six on his salary. You do not sound appreciative of the work he is doing to put gas in your tank and a roof over your head.

You say your husband has a background in Economics, truly he can see that it is necessary for the two of you to work to support the lifestyle that you want.

If you have a problem being on WIC and welfare, and your husband is working, you need to be working too. It’s a quaint idea of past generations that women get to stay at home and have babies. That isn’t reality in 2008 USA.
 
kevinsgirl said:
Your husband is behaving immaturely if he refuses to work harder/search for a better job and also to try to provide adequately for your children…
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I disagree. It could be that her husband is immature, but he is providing as adequately as he is capable of. It sounds as if she is the one who is refusing to work and search for work to help provide for her family.

People, we are not living off the fat of the land anymore! You can not raise six children and a stay at home wife on that salary.

It’s not unChristian for a wife to work to keep her family together and children fed.

Look at Christian women in the rest of the world.

Certainly, the ideal is to be able to stay at home with the kids. That was a luxury that only a few generations of Americans were able to live.

Can you work 20 hrs a week?
It might mean a loss of WIC and free hot lunches though? Is that something you’d be willing to give up?
 
Naomi said:
PART 2 Our children are 12 , 6 , 4 and 20 months . My degree is in psychology . My goal is to get a teaching certificate so I can start work when the baby startes school. .
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There isn’t anything immoral or sinful with working before your baby starts school. That is a personal wish.

Imagine how much happier you would all be if you were working just 20 hrs a week now and things were better. With 2 happy parents a child in day care can still thrive and grow up into a happy healthy faithful Catholic person. Trust in God. Don’t sit around and try to analyze your husband. Analyze the present economic condition of our country instead. Have some mercy on your husband. Being a sole provider for 6 is daunting when you can’t find the right job.
 
Naomi said:
I’m not the same person I was 18 years ago . Are you ? I like to think that I’ve grown and risen to the challenges in my life .
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I’d hope everyone continues to grow and mature after they turn 18. What I’m talking about is change of your core “you”. I was someone who could get in and organize, plan and execute when I was 10 years old. Same way at 18 and same way now- the maturity has made me better at it 🙂

People who worked with dedication and determiniation, who excelled as kids grow to be hard working, dedicated adults.

Someone who, in college, was running a small business would most likely be a successful business person as an adult.

The person who, as a kid and in college, did not have a strong work ethic is most likely not going to grown one at age 40.

When you were dating, was it his goal to be a success in business while you stayed home to take care of the kids? If that was your shared dream, then, counseling can help you both get back to that dream. If it was not, just getting married and having kids is not going to MAKE switch on his hidden Mr. Business man.

Prayers!!

Have you checked into Retrouvaille?
 
graceandglory said:
I agree with Paul.
It could be a case of “for richer, for poorer” and “in sickness and in health.”

No one ever said that in this day and age, a woman has the right to stay home and not work. If your husband can’t support 6 children, you need to be helping out. The current financial crisis and government bailout is just one symptom of a country that can’t afford a one income family.
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Where did you come from ? We are a family of 6 . That’s 4 children and 2 parents . In any day and age children need a full time parent . That is my job – my vocation . He is in retail . He works 6 days a week . I would need all day day care for one and after school day care for 3 . Twenty hours a week wouldn’t pay for day care , work clothes and gas .
 
graceandglory said:
There isn’t anything immoral or sinful with working before your baby starts school. That is a personal wish.

Imagine how much happier you would all be if you were working just 20 hrs a week now and things were better. With 2 happy parents a child in day care can still thrive and grow up into a happy healthy faithful Catholic person. Trust in God. Don’t sit around and try to analyze your husband. Analyze the present economic condition of our country instead. Have some mercy on your husband. Being a sole provider for 6 is daunting when you can’t find the right job.
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I AM NOT SITTING AROUND ! I raise children, pay the bills , clean house , prepare meals , fix the house , take care of the yards .It is daunting .I’ve been patient and merciful for 18 years.
 
graceandglory said:
I disagree. It could be that her husband is immature, but he is providing as adequately as he is capable of. It sounds as if she is the one who is refusing to work and search for work to help provide for her family.

People, we are not living off the fat of the land anymore! You can not raise six children and a stay at home wife on that salary.

It’s not unChristian for a wife to work to keep her family together and children fed.

Look at Christian women in the rest of the world.

Certainly, the ideal is to be able to stay at home with the kids. That was a luxury that only a few generations of Americans were able to live.

Can you work 20 hrs a week?
It might mean a loss of WIC and free hot lunches though? Is that something you’d be willing to give up?
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I don’t like WIC and free lunch .
 
Naomi said:
Thanks for all of your replies. I’m going to try and answer all of your questions.Divorce isn’t really aqn option . It’s not Catholic or practical . I’ve never read Ayn Rand . He works in retail always has … He has long hours all over the clock and little pay . Very few people retire from his position . It;s a job . His degree is in economics. We talk . I try to be supportive and encouraging and then I get frustrated and become a shrew . I keep the check book. I had turned it over to him . But that was a big mistake . When he ran out of money , he stopped paying bills . He let a 32$ hospital bill go to collections . 32$ !!! He can run a store . He’s the Financial Secretary for K of C. But he WON’T take care of us ! Welfare- I have 2 on WIC and 3 getting free lunch . He won’t use the WIC vouchers because he finds it humilating. This is a small town . Everyone knows our business.If he can’t/won’t provide I have to turn somewhere. My baby was a medicare baby . I’ve learned a lot about pride .
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I’d suggest that you make it clear that something has to change. It is his responsibility to see that his family is cared for, and he’s falling short. If he has a degree in economics, he might consider jobs with state government. In my agency, at least, there are good careers available for individuals with that degree and a willingness to work hard.
 
Dear Naomi,
I don’t blame you for feeling absolutely furious. I have been through this. We nearly divorced.
Sit your husband down and tell him you expect better. For him to expect you to have gas and groceries for 2 WEEKS is ridiculous. Tell him to “man up” and get a second job if he can’t support you and the kids on one job.
Praying for you,
Lissa
 
You could always look into working an overnite job. I used to do this.Personally I think its better to have 2 working parents versus having one parent who never see their children because they’re never
 
If he was like this at university he is like this at the core, and that is who he is. If your aim is to change him from helpless droop to Donald Trump, you can forget it. We are what we are. My sisters have 8 divorces to show for 9 marriages, and almost every one of them is as the result of having married someone (or having been married by someone) who saw the other as a Fixer Upper and crashed on the rocks. (One sister was married for 18 years to a communist which she found very romantic in the Sixties, who refused to work full time, and who demanded that she keep a clean house which she had never done since the day she was born – one day she simply walked out on him and the kids. The next husband demanded that she keep a clean house and walked out on her when she would not do it. The third one was out of her ethnic group and she found his background romantic until she found out that it was pretty much closed to Outsiders and that he would always put said ethnic group above his outsider wife.)

What you have to do is work with the material you have. If he will not work hard enough to support you, and you would rather be married to a limp dishrag than be on your own, he should stay home and look after the kids and you should go to work. But above all things you should not sit around praying that God will change this frog into a prince. God made him a frog and a frog he will remain. You have to cut your coat to fit your cloth.

P.S. You might want to go over to the thread where 20 year old girls are desperately praying for any husband at all, and warn them of the consequences of grabbing what looks like a life belt and turns out to be an anchor.
 
I understand that you believe your vocation is to be a stay-at-home mom, and I believe a lot of women think that. However, sometimes our callings need to be put on hold while we get where we need to be.

If you are in a situation where one income is enough you have to find a job. Or, you can have a husband who is never around because he needs to get a second job. Your choice.

I understand that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t easy. I watched my mom raise 5 kids, but it is a luxury to be able to stay home…not a necessity.

I have a lot of friends who are absolutely wonderful who were raised by two working parents. Even if you don’t have to work full time. Maybe part-time or flex time. Maybe all it is going to take is you threatening to get a job for your husband to “man up” as someone else said.

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe in this everyone has to have a parent at home thing. While I am sure every parent would like to be home for their kids it just isn’t possible. You can find discounted child care through the Church. Send your children there for a few days a week.

There are a million things you could do to help out: sell Avon, work from home, medical transcription, babysit, clean, etc etc.

Maybe I’m from a new generation where men don’t have to be the breadwinners any more. I don’t know. If you stalk my posts you’ll see I work full-time and my husband doesn’t. He is a stay-at-home spouse. He freelances for some magazines, and he handles the day-to-day cleaning and cooking, but I still handle the finances. We have no children. Marriages are about teamwork.

I hope it all works out. You are in my prayers.
 
thenewmrssears said:
I understand that you believe your vocation is to be a stay-at-home mom, and I believe a lot of women think that. However, sometimes our callings need to be put on hold while we get where we need to be.

If you are in a situation where one income is enough you have to find a job. Or, you can have a husband who is never around because he needs to get a second job. Your choice.

I understand that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t easy. I watched my mom raise 5 kids, but it is a luxury to be able to stay home…not a necessity.

I have a lot of friends who are absolutely wonderful who were raised by two working parents. Even if you don’t have to work full time. Maybe part-time or flex time. Maybe all it is going to take is you threatening to get a job for your husband to “man up” as someone else said.

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe in this everyone has to have a parent at home thing. While I am sure every parent would like to be home for their kids it just isn’t possible. You can find discounted child care through the Church. Send your children there for a few days a week.

There are a million things you could do to help out: sell Avon, work from home, medical transcription, babysit, clean, etc etc.

Maybe I’m from a new generation where men don’t have to be the breadwinners any more. I don’t know. If you stalk my posts you’ll see I work full-time and my husband doesn’t. He is a stay-at-home spouse. He freelances for some magazines, and he handles the day-to-day cleaning and cooking, but I still handle the finances. We have no children. Marriages are about teamwork.

I hope it all works out. You are in my prayers.
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:amen: Naomi, we’re talking about your children’s wellbeing here. It’s too important and too urgent an issue for you to sit back and push and hope for a magical change (unlikely at best) to occur in your husband that will allow you to stay at home without doing paid work.

You can do something about it right now, by finding work for yourself - something much more positive than just putting your worries onto your husband.

You’ll be a better wife because you won’t be on his case as much, he’ll almost certainly be a better husband because he won’t feel the enormous pressure of being sole breadwinner. And I live on my own, and AM sole breadwinner, trust me it always looks easier than it is to people who aren’t. Besides which, you’ll both be better parents if you’re not arguing over money as much.

I know, from personal experience as well, that having people around me who are doers themselves helps me more in terms of being a better person, than being with people who instead spends their time and energy telling me what I should be doing.

By the way, if he’s working full time and not for minimum wage, it’s just possible that there actually isn’t all that much more he can do, at least in the short term.

So explore your work options, there are plenty that have been pointed out that will still enable you to be there for the kids. There’s an old saying “God helps those who help themselves”, and I think finding some work for yourself is the best help you could give yourself and your family.
 
maria29 said:
You could always look into working an overnite job. I used to do this.Personally I think its better to have 2 working parents versus having one parent who never see their children because they’re never
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I agree with this. I don’t think it’s healthy for the marriage, or for the husband to be working so many hours, that he hardly bonds with his kids. Just my two cents.
 
thenewmrssears said:
I understand that you believe your vocation is to be a stay-at-home mom, and I believe a lot of women think that. However, sometimes our callings need to be put on hold while we get where we need to be.

If you are in a situation where one income is enough you have to find a job. Or, you can have a husband who is never around because he needs to get a second job. Your choice.

I understand that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t easy. I watched my mom raise 5 kids, but it is a luxury to be able to stay home…not a necessity.

I have a lot of friends who are absolutely wonderful who were raised by two working parents. Even if you don’t have to work full time. Maybe part-time or flex time. Maybe all it is going to take is you threatening to get a job for your husband to “man up” as someone else said.

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe in this everyone has to have a parent at home thing. While I am sure every parent would like to be home for their kids it just isn’t possible. You can find discounted child care through the Church. Send your children there for a few days a week.

There are a million things you could do to help out: sell Avon, work from home, medical transcription, babysit, clean, etc etc.

Maybe I’m from a new generation where men don’t have to be the breadwinners any more. I don’t know. If you stalk my posts you’ll see I work full-time and my husband doesn’t. He is a stay-at-home spouse. He freelances for some magazines, and he handles the day-to-day cleaning and cooking, but I still handle the finances. We have no children. Marriages are about teamwork.

I hope it all works out. You are in my prayers.
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That is a great post. 👍
 
Applle said-
You might want to go over to the thread where 20 year old girls are desperately praying for any husband at all,
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What thread would that be?
 
I have a problem with the way you’ve titled this thread: you said that your husband “won’t work.” Obviously, he does work. He works six days a week and it looks like his job isn’t an easy one. You’re just not happy with how much money he is bringing in. You utterly discount the work he does and say that he “won’t work.”

There are men out there who honestly will not work. They’re lazy. They let other people support them. Your husband is not one of those people.

I can understand being frustrated with that, but there’s really nothing you can do. I am pretty sure that yelling at him to make more money won’t help matters, any.

Maybe he could find a job that pays the same amount of money within more normal hours so that you could get a part-time job when he is home?

Other than that, all I can say is that the two of you need to figure out how to live on the income he brings in. 🤷
 
Either he’ll have to get a better job or you’ll have to get one. I, too, was under the impression that he wouldn’t work, but he clearly has a job. To me the crux of the issue seems to be too many children and not an adequate family income. If he’s not in the six figures, then it’s probably going to be difficult to provide a nice surrounding for four children.
 
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