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Naomi
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He makes his own scheduel . He chooses to work out side his field. If I work the night shift and do the mom thing in the day , when do I sleep ? Is a sleep deprived mom healthy foe the family ?
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Naomi
Guest
There is no such thing as too many children . We don’t need 6 figures . 50k would be a fortune . 50k is starting salery in his degree field. He has been under employed for 18 years .
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LilyM
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If he makes his own schedule then he can stay at home and look after the children during the hours when you are working - whether that’s day or night.
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Naomi
Guest
I have a problem with the way you’ve titled this thread: you said that your husband “won’t work.” Obviously, he does work. He works six days a week and it looks like his job isn’t an easy one. You’re just not happy with how much money he is bringing in. You utterly discount the work he does and say that he “won’t work.”
There are men out there who honestly will not work. They’re lazy. They let other people support them. Your husband is not one of those people.
I can understand being frustrated with that, but there’s really nothing you can do. I am pretty sure that yelling at him to make more money won’t help matters, any.
Maybe he could find a job that pays the same amount of money within more normal hours so that you could get a part-time job when he is home?
Other than that, all I can say is that the two of you need to figure out how to live on the income he brings in./QU Okay . He won’t work - smart .
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Naomi
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He runs a store . He has to open . He’s not suppose to close .He’s not suppose to work weekends. All the employees are supose to show up. Everything that I do has to fit into his schedule. I’d have to be at work at 11pm , he leaves the house at 6am , the bus comes at 7am , I’d just be getting off at 7 am , I think the big kids just missed the bus. he gets home at 5pm , I go to sleep . If I skip my shower I can sleep until 1030pm.
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1ke
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So, Naomi, you haven’t answered my question. What does your husband say when confronted with the balance sheet and the budget? With the **facts **that you have $X in bills/expenses and $Y in income? What does he say about why he continues to stay underemployed and disregard the family’s needs?
Does he support you going to work full time? You could do so as a teacher by gaining your emergency certification and then getting your full certification. You could get a full time job in another field. Yes, you would have to have day care, but you should still come out ahead.
Does he support you going to work full time? You could do so as a teacher by gaining your emergency certification and then getting your full certification. You could get a full time job in another field. Yes, you would have to have day care, but you should still come out ahead.
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kage_ar
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Another unanswered question, was you being a SAHM a decision the two of you had before marriage?
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Naomi
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It’s this one !
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Appleby
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I have found in dealing with the 8 divorces my 4 sisters have shared among them that the underlying problem is people assuming that other people understood and agreed with them on subjects that later they discovered was not the fact at all. Men and women need to speak plainly about these things, not just guess and speculate and hope.
Did you tell him that you were planning to stay home and not work? Did he tell you what his ambitions in life were, what kind of career he planned to pursue and how he planned to pursue it? Did he sound passionate about what he wanted to do? Why is he not doing what he was trained to do? Was his plan unrealistic? Did it depend on something he could not control? (For example, a friend of mine took a degree in math and computer science; by the time she graduated, the computer science part of the degree was already obsolete. She then planned to become a CPA. She could not pass the examination.)
Did you discuss in concrete terms how you would achieve your goals? Are you doing any of the things you planned to do? Why not?
Did you tell him that you were planning to stay home and not work? Did he tell you what his ambitions in life were, what kind of career he planned to pursue and how he planned to pursue it? Did he sound passionate about what he wanted to do? Why is he not doing what he was trained to do? Was his plan unrealistic? Did it depend on something he could not control? (For example, a friend of mine took a degree in math and computer science; by the time she graduated, the computer science part of the degree was already obsolete. She then planned to become a CPA. She could not pass the examination.)
Did you discuss in concrete terms how you would achieve your goals? Are you doing any of the things you planned to do? Why not?
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Naomi
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He says, " I just don’t know what to do ." He 's been trying to get out of retail for 12 years . He doubled his credit card debt inthe last 2 months . I looking for a study group . I need to take the GRE after 20 years . Wow ! Can’t believe 20 have come and gone. I guess this time wiil pass also.
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Naomi
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He always wanted a large family and we agreed that I should stay home .
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1ke
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He is clearly not going to do anything. As others have said, he is what he is and he is going to keep on doing exactly what he has been doing-- nothing.
You do not need to go to graduate school to teach in Georgia. Here is a link to the alternative certification options for those with bachelor’s degrees in subjects other than education:
gapsc.com/Certification/Documents/alt_routes.asp
You can do something now. You can get a job. You need to contribute financially to the household. It’s just the reality.
You entitled your post “husband won’t work” but you could have entitled it “wife won’t work… outside the home.” You need to look at yourself too. Why won’t you take the bull by the horns and get a full time job? He hasn’t changed in 18 years, time to make a change for yourself if he isn’t willing to.
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Naomi
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I didn’t trap him . I never though of him as a fixer upper .I was very clear about my expections . I knew/know that marriage is for life . I knew that unspoken expectios are danger ous . He has approval issues . He has admitted to telling me what he thinks I want to hear . He doesn’t get that that is lying .
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1ke
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I don’t think anyone is implying you “trapped” him or that you were not up front about being a stay at home mom. Clearly it seems that was the goal both of you agreed on.
I don’t know what the root of his problem is, but I do think that short of serious therapy for your husband you are just going to have to decide to do something yourself regarding income for the household. This is a deep-seated issue that your DH has regarding work and probably has some serious depression going on.
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graceandglory
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Tell that to 3/4 of the Christian world where both the mothers and fathers have to work in order to feed their children. Oh yeah, they also share their home with about ten relatives, and all the adults work in order to eat.
If your husband isn’t a wealthy man, you are going to have to make some serious changes in order to live the luxury life you want and stay home with your children.
He is gainfully employed. He’s just not earning enough to support his family.
Welcome to 21st Century USA.
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graceandglory
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That’s what I thought. I’m sorry to hear that.
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Appleby
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You were clear about your expectations – were you clear about HIS expectations? Did HE know that marriage is for life? Did HE understand that a large family requires a large income? What size family does he come from? Did you see him in his family habitat and notice how he related to his mother and father, before you married him? What kind of person was his father? Is his father spineless and does his mother order him around?
It sounds to me like you have married a man without a backbone. That means that you will have to grow one and wear the pants in the family. Someone has to be the boss, and he clearly is not the type. Two ladders cannot lean against each other; one has to lean against something solid. You may have to be that solid wall whether you intended to be or not.
I agree that you probably need counseling if you can get him to go. It would be best if you could get that from your priest.
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1ke
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Oh please stop with beating up this woman with comments like her wanting a “luxury” life. She wants to get off welfare for Christ’s sake. That is not a “luxury” life.
Her point is not that he is incapable of making enough to support his family but rather that he has the *ability *to earn enough to support the family and *refuses *to do so.
She’s frustrated. She’s tired. She’s at the end of her rope. She doesn’t need people tieing the knot in the noose for her.
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