husband won't work

[Eliza10]

Naomi, I think if your heart is telling you to stay home with your 20 month old and 4 year old and also the 6 and 12, you should do everything you can to keep doing that. It sounds like a holy aim for me. You can be sure Our Lady stayed home with Jesus, and that her heart is with you in this, and she will assist you in doing that if you call on her for help.

Is adding one child to your household, for babysitting, a possiblity? Perhaps on a trial basis? Or perhaps after school and/or before school care is an option?

Another option - one housecleaning job a week could bring you $30-50 a week for 3 hours of cleaning, depending on the going rate in your area.

Its not much, but it will mean he can no longer feel sorry for himself as the only one earning.

Entrust your family to the Holy Family. Since your husband is not being the husband he should, ask St. Joseph to step in and be your provider and protector.

I don’t have a husband now so I pray to the Holy Family constantly, and always rely on St. Joseph to be my provider and protector. I have a statue of him in a prominient place and I also have a honey-do list for him on my refridgerator, and things get done! I have to say St. Joseph has never let me down, and we live pretty close to the edge a lot of the time.

Just like you have experienced here, I have expereinced advisors suggesting the anwer is that I make use of babysitting or leave my son alone while I work more. But it makes me feel sick inside when I consider it; it never feels right to me. I am working as much as I think I should as a mother which means its hard to pay bills sometimes. But I contine to do what my conscience says is right even though it is not what others choose, and I rely on heavenly help to fill in the gaps.

So maybe thats what you need to do - rely more on heavenly help and less on your husband. It takes practice to rely on God. But He won’t let you down - you’ll learn that. And in the process you will take the pressure off your husband, and then who knows - he might even step up a bit.

 

[sanctamaria17]

We’re not talking about 3/4 of the Christian world (and I know that it is reality for many people). We’re talking about a woman who was clear about her expectations from the get-go and whose husband agreed with them. But he’s not realizing that unless he changes his tune, he’s going to end up in a) worse financial trouble and b) single.

Yes, we know what the realities are for many people. It’s not that the only job he can get is retail, it’s that he apparently refuses to look for a job more suited to his field, which would be better off for his family. It’s not right that they’re on welfare because he’s not seeking a more suitable employment.

Of course, Naomi, you’ll have to get out there and do something to aid your family if he isn’t. I’ll be praying!

 

[Naomi]

Tell that to 3/4 of the Christian world where both the mothers and fathers have to work in order to feed their children. Oh yeah, they also share their home with about ten relatives, and all the adults work in order to eat.

If your husband isn’t a wealthy man, you are going to have to make some serious changes in order to live the luxury life you want and stay home with your children.

He is gainfully employed. He’s just not earning enough to support his family.
Welcome to 21st Century USA.

KISS MY GRITS !!!

 

[Naomi]

Oh please stop with beating up this woman with comments like her wanting a “luxury” life. She wants to get off welfare for Christ’s sake. That is not a “luxury” life.

Her point is not that he is incapable of making enough to support his family but rather that he has the *ability *to earn enough to support the family and *refuses *to do so.

She’s frustrated. She’s tired. She’s at the end of her rope. She doesn’t need people tieing the knot in the noose for her.

Thank you

 

[Sheeniac]

Yes, you would have to have day care, but you should still come out ahead.

I wonder if this is really true. Once you take taxes, daycare, transportation, clothing, etc into account, does it really pay? Perhaps when the youngest one is a bit older.

I would like to second the opinion about babysitting or cleaning houses. That just might work!

Also - I would think that your husband could be working up the ladder in retail. If a store is a chain, they do have higher level management positions available. If not, he could try to switch to a place that allows for advancement. Is that part of the problem?

 

[Naomi]

Naomi, I think if your heart is telling you to stay home with your 20 month old and 4 year old and also the 6 and 12, you should do everything you can to keep doing that. It sounds like a holy aim for me. You can be sure Our Lady stayed home with Jesus, and that her heart is with you in this, and she will assist you in doing that if you call on her for help.

Is adding one child to your household, for babysitting, a possiblity? Perhaps on a trial basis? Or perhaps after school and/or before school care is an option?

Another option - one housecleaning job a week could bring you $30-50 a week for 3 hours of cleaning, depending on the going rate in your area.

Its not much, but it will mean he can no longer feel sorry for himself as the only one earning.

Entrust your family to the Holy Family. Since your husband is not being the husband he should, ask St. Joseph to step in and be your provider and protector.

I don’t have a husband now so I pray to the Holy Family constantly, and always rely on St. Joseph to be my provider and protector. I have a statue of him in a prominient place and I also have a honey-do list for him on my refridgerator, and things get done! I have to say St. Joseph has never let me down, and we live pretty close to the edge a lot of the time.

Just like you have experienced here, I have expereinced advisors suggesting the anwer is that I make use of babysitting or leave my son alone while I work more. But it makes me feel sick inside when I consider it; it never feels right to me. I am working as much as I think I should as a mother which means its hard to pay bills sometimes. But I contine to do what my conscience says is right even though it is not what others choose, and I rely on heavenly help to fill in the gaps.

So maybe thats what you need to do - rely more on heavenly help and less on your husband. It takes practice to rely on God. But He won’t let you down - you’ll learn that. And in the process you will take the pressure off your husband, and then who knows - he might even step up a bit.

Sometimes I think I ask too much of my husband . I remind myself that Jesus is my first love . It’s just hard right now. I’m going to start keeping my cousins baby . She’s due in Dec. that is easy work !

 

[T700]

Friends, perhaps we could all be a little more gentle and charitable toward the original poster. She is in a very difficult situation and I’m sure is doing the best she can.

I’m going to keep her and her family in my family’s prayers.

Paul

 

[embertx3]

I don’t think we’ll be married for very long if I can support myself .

Prayers for you and your family Naomi. Not sure exactly what you mean here but are you saying that if you were to be able to support yourself right now that you won’t be married? I pray that you don’t mean it but just venting your frustration/anger. Get counseling or talk to your priest as suggested by other posters.

God bless

 

[Linda_Marie]

He doubled his credit card debt inthe last 2 months .

You said before that you had to take the check book off him because he spent the money and there was nothing left to pay the bills. Now, he is spending money you don’t have using his credit card. You don’t have to answer me, he needs to answer you, but what is he buying? Is he spending that money on necessities for the family? You might have to think about taking the credit card away from him too.

I agree with the poster about making up an income and expense statement and sitting down with him to discuss it, just like he would discuss the Profit & Loss statement of the store. He might be able to understand what you are so concerned about if he can see it in black and white, dollars and cents. I suppose I’m just having trouble understanding how a person who understands finances and runs a store can not seem to grasp the finances of running the family budget.

Praying for your situation.

O Glorious St. Joseph, who hast the power to render possible even things which are considered impossible, come to Naomi’s aid in her present trouble and distress. Take this important and difficult affair under your particular protection, that it may end happily. Help her and her husband to sort out her family’s financial difficulties that it may stay together and grow in the love of God.

O dear St. Joseph, all our confidence is in thee. Let it not be said that we would invoke thee in vain, and since thou art so powerful with Jesus and Mary, show that thy goodness equals thy power.

St. Joseph, friend of the Sacred Heart, pray for us.

prayerbook.com/Devotions/Joseph/stjoseph.htm

 

[graceandglory]

Thank you

I’m not going to support a woman bashing her husband in public for not making enough to support her in the lifestyle she wants. You brought this to the public forum for public opinions of your situation. We only hear one side of the story. Your husband isn’t represented here.

Trying to make your husband look lazy and using that as a scapegoat and an excuse to leave him is not a faithful Catholic life view. Sorry you don’t like my tough love. To each his own.

Your situation is NOT unique. It is happening all over the US where women expected to be able to stay at home, but their working class husband can’t support it anymore. It really is not personal about you, but look at the economy.
If you want something to blame, blame the economy, not your husband.

I suggest orthodox Catholic counseling for yourself, if you can’t get to marriage counseling with him.

 

[maria29]

Naomi, I think if your heart is telling you to stay home with your 20 month old and 4 year old and also the 6 and 12, you should do everything you can to keep doing that. It sounds like a holy aim for me. You can be sure Our Lady stayed home with Jesus, and that her heart is with you in this, and she will assist you in doing that if you call on her for help.

Is adding one child to your household, for babysitting, a possiblity? Perhaps on a trial basis? Or perhaps after school and/or before school care is an option?

Another option - one housecleaning job a week could bring you $30-50 a week for 3 hours of cleaning, depending on the going rate in your area.

Its not much, but it will mean he can no longer feel sorry for himself as the only one earning.

Entrust your family to the Holy Family. Since your husband is not being the husband he should, ask St. Joseph to step in and be your provider and protector.

Just like you have experienced here, I have expereinced advisors suggesting the anwer is that I make use of babysitting or leave my son alone while I work more. But it makes me feel sick inside when I consider it; it never feels right to me. I am working as much as I think I should as a mother which means its hard to pay bills sometimes. But I contine to do what my conscience says is right even though it is not what others choose, and I rely on heavenly help to fill in the gaps.

.

I think sometimes we forget that its not always God’s plan for both parents to stay home no matter how much we want it.

TO the OP:
I worked overnites from 8pm -4 am when ds was younger. I then got about 3 hrs of sleep in and maybe another 3 spread throughout the day. Was I tired? Of course, but I offered it up.

My dh is over educated as well with a BS in Molecular Biology that is now consider expired by colleges, labs and so forth (fyi for anyone going into this field in college your degree can expire after 7 years especially if you want to become a PA, or go to any grad school in the sciences/med) and MA in Theology. He had up until last year worked as a carpenter. Now he’s the asst science lab facilites manager.

My primary vocation as a mother and wife is to help my dh to do what is necessary for our family to survive. If you find a job overnite you won’t have to pay for daycare (which if you get wic you’ll proably qualify for free daycare). Also an overnite job will eliminate extra clothing costs since you don’t have to dress up.

 

[mesurman]

I’m really struggling with a lot of negative feeling about my husband .He has a really good degree but he won’t take a job that pays well .Last week after the bills were paid I had 139.00 for gas and grocerys for the next 2 weeks .We don’t have cable , or go out or buy new . Ther isn’t anywhere to cut expences . We are a family of 6 ! He also isn’t interested in the chart . He always get cozy during phase 2 . I hate always having to say no. I really hate welfare and borrowing from friends and family. I really don’t know what he thinks about . Why does he do this ? Does he enjoy this spiral slide ? Why won’t he take care of us ??

Kick him in the butt. He needs to man-up and get a job and support his family. Stop enabling him and give it to him straight-up. Get a job or get out. He is using and abusing you. Stop letting him. Sloth is a sin and he needs to recognize it. Once he starts working and feels the sense of accomplishment he will do better. But give it to him straight. Be a MAN and get a Job.
Find a man you know and who knows him who can give him some manly advice without couching any of it - "Stop being a lazy bum and support your family, now get out there and get a job, NOW.

 

[Katie1723]

Trying to support a family as a single parent is indeed hard as hell. Living the way you are living is worse. Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to keep yourself and your kids healthy and happy, even if that means taking a job you’d rather not take. Or leaving a relationship that can’t be fixed as long as you stay. Stop making excuses.

Kathy

 

[Eliza10]

Sometimes I think I ask too much of my husband . I remind myself that Jesus is my first love . It’s just hard right now. I’m going to start keeping my cousins baby . She’s due in Dec. that is easy work !

Wow, this seems to be the Love is Tough and Reality is Harsh Forum, with some of these replies you are getting.

Jesus is Mercy and His Graces are many!

Keeping your cousin’s baby is a great idea! The child will always be part of your famiy, and you are strengthening family bonds while you support your family.

God really really wants us to have peace. I think He is jealous of our peace because it is in peace that He meets us. Otherwise its near impossible to listen to Him. So guard your peace jealously.

Pressure will be taken off your husband when you put your trust in heavenly help instead of in your husband. Meanwhile make sure you are doing what you can on the homefront, focusing on your duty, offering up difficulties and praying to God and trusting Him for the help and patience you need. (When times are tough I repeat often: Jesus, I trust in you!). I get through the rough patch, and then I can see how God worked and that I really can trust Him. Trusting God really is being like a baby learning to walk, one faltering step at a time.

When your husband sees you surrounded by peace and not looking at him hawk-eyed and exasperated, it might free him to be responsible rather than act passive-aggressively, leaving you little money to feed the family with racking up debt, and sabotoging NFP as if he wants you to feel as much pressure as he feels from you. It might work that way. But anyway you will have grace and help and peace by trusting in the Lord.

Ask Mary, Seat of Wisdom, constantly for help with wise responses to these behaviors of your husband also.

To God be the Glory.

http://www.spiritsite.com/gallery/art/medmar/RaphaelMadonna.JPG

 

[Eliza10]

In our times mothers are not cherished for their vital role in the development of society. The enemy works without ceasing to persuade mothers to leave their home and give the development of their children over to strangers.

But no one can love your child like you do and* no one else* cares about their emotional and spiritual development.

Some mothers have to work but many more work outside their home beyond the need for basic neccessities and they will have to answer to God for that. God made children to need their mothers and I believe He wants mothers home with their children whenever possible.

I believe He will provide the neccessary graces and helps to make that happen for you, Naomi. I believe the desire of your heart to be home with your children is God’s desire. Just remember that it is in Him that you trust, so don’t pressure your husband with worries. Tell him the facts and what you need him to do or not to do, and remain calm, jealously guarding your peace which is your God-place, as you remember Who is Lord of all.

http://www.aiwaz.net/uploads/gallery/madonna-della-melagrana-806-mid.jpg

 

[whatevergirl]

In our times mothers are not cherished for their vital role in the development of society. The enemy works without ceasing to persuade mothers to leave their home and give the development of their children over to strangers.

But no one can love your child like you do and* no one else* cares about their emotional and spiritual development.

Some mothers have to work but many more work outside their home beyond the need for basic neccessities and they will have to answer to God for that. God made children to need their mothers and I believe He wants mothers home with their children whenever possible.

I believe He will provide the neccessary graces and helps to make that happen for you, Naomi. I believe the desire of your heart to be home with your children is God’s desire. Just remember that it is in Him that you trust, so don’t pressure your husband with worries. Tell him the facts and what you need him to do or not to do, and remain calm, jealously guarding your peace which is your God-place, as you remember Who is Lord of all.

http://www.aiwaz.net/uploads/gallery/madonna-della-melagrana-806-mid.jpg

I agree as it relates to trying to make it such that a mom can be home with her children, especially in baby years. But, what do you say to posters like Paul, in this thread, who stay home with their kids, and their wives work? We need to look at the times we live in also, and if it is more financially feasible for a mom to work outside of the home, and the dad to stay at home–I don’t see this as hindering the growth of children. In fact, I have seen my fair share of kids who have stay at home moms, and they are brats, to say the least. I have seen working moms who have brats. I don’t think that just because a woman stays at home, that it guarantees more wel adjusted kids. A healthy marriage is flexible, and needs to adjust for the best for the family. If a man is not able to make enough money to support his family, and the wife is…there would need to be a role adjustment made.

It isn’t easy, and I know your post meant well, but it sort of makes it seem like men who stay at home with their kids, with the moms working outside of the home…that it’s not as good as the mom being at home all day.

I politely disagree…I was a stay at home mom, but know of posters on here, and friends and family that have decided it’s best for the dad to stay at home, and it works great.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I agree as it relates to trying to make it such that a mom can be home with her children, especially in baby years. But, what do you say to posters like Paul, in this thread, who stay home with their kids, and their wives work?.

**
I don’t think she was even thinking about stay at home dads… she mentioned “strangers” raising the children as in daycare etc. Stay at home dads can be a wonderful solution but it is a very rare one. **

 

[whatevergirl]

**
I don’t think she was even thinking about stay at home dads… she mentioned “strangers” raising the children as in daycare etc. Stay at home dads can be a wonderful solution but it is a very rare one. **

Ok, I see…thanks Malia.

 

[thenewmrssears]

I am going to come across as a little rude here, but it isn’t my intention. I just can’t type emotion into a post.

So do you want us to tell you that you should continue doing nothing? It is his job to support you, and he is failing, so he should “man up?”

Millions of women work and so do their husbands. What is better for your kids? To have both parents working or to not have food and a roof over their heads?

You need to work. I’m sorry. Keeping one child isn’t going to make up the financial difference.

Women aren’t expected to stay home and live on what their husbands cane make any more. In fact, stay at home parents are becoming the exception to the rule. Sad as that may be, it is reality. There is absolutely nothing wrong with both parents working.

Clearly your husband does not have good money sense, and clearly he doesn’t seem to care where the finances leave you and your children.

Basically, you would rather not work and stay home with the children hoping your husband gets a better job and gets his act together than actually HELP make money to HELP provide for your children.

I just don’t get it…

'Tis better to have two parents working than to not have a roof over one’s head.

 

[bilop]

I don’t understand why people are bashing the OP.

Her husband COULD earn more, but REFUSES to find a better job.

Why is that OK?

God Bless