Husband's Affair and Offspring Thereof

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PlainJane1980

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Hello CAF! I wish I were here for a better reason, but I needed to vent. My husband had an affair and fathered a child with the other woman. We have 2 kids of our own already and this has really heartbroken me!!! Our intimate life wasn’t always the most exciting, but I always gave it my all. My husband said he felt like an appendix to my life and that I could do it all without him which led him to stray. I have a strong personality so I could see how that could be possible but I’m still in shock over this! He said he tried to tell me to back off but I wouldn’t. He also said that I never seemed to care about his feelings, only mine. I can be an emotional person and I did lean on my husband a lot, but he never shared his emotions with me. I guess we have a communication problem which we’ve agreed to work on.

The situation however is what do I do about this kid of his. He wants to raise the child because the woman he fornicated with is considering abortion (or at least so she says). I’m the primary caregiver for our kids and I do work part-time. How can my husband suggest such a thing? I don’t want to split up our family and want to work on the issues with my husband but taking on another baby that’s not mine is asking a lot. I want to do so for the sake of our family, but I’m still really upset. I feel like I should do this because I pushed my husband into the arms of this woman and wasn’t thoughtful enough of him. Any words of encouragement would be helpful.
 
Hon, first of all, do NOT accept his attempts to blame you for his sin! He made the decision to have an affair, it’s entirely on his head and his conscience. He can’t justify that by saying “you made me.” You need to insist that he take responsibility for his own actions.

The baby is a separate issue. It’s good that he doesn’t want her to have an abortion, but asking you to raise the child is, IMO, over the top. There are a lot of childless couples out there who would love to adopt a newborn.
 
agnes_therese said:
Hon, first of all, do NOT accept his attempts to blame you for his sin! He made the decision to have an affair, it’s entirely on his head and his conscience. He can’t justify that by saying “you made me.” You need to insist that he take responsibility for his own actions.

The baby is a separate issue. It’s good that he doesn’t want her to have an abortion, but asking you to raise the child is, IMO, over the top. There are a lot of childless couples out there who would love to adopt a newborn.
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👍
 
Would you consider seeing a marriage counselor, preferably a Catholic one, say, through Catholic Social Services?

If your husband won’t go, would you consider going on your own?
 
agnes_therese said:
Hon, first of all, do NOT accept his attempts to blame you for his sin! He made the decision to have an affair, it’s entirely on his head and his conscience. He can’t justify that by saying “you made me.” You need to insist that he take responsibility for his own actions.

The baby is a separate issue. It’s good that he doesn’t want her to have an abortion, but asking you to raise the child is, IMO, over the top. There are a lot of childless couples out there who would love to adopt a newborn.
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I can only agree that he has to take full responsibility for his failure of loyalty trust and his vows. These discussions as to how he felt may not entirely be about shifting blame. At least you are both finally talking at a level that may lead to reconciliation, but he has to be the one to take full blame,even if there is a positive learning on your side.
There are many childless couples looking at adoption, he can stay in some contact at a later stage dependent on the child’s interests as the only consideration. But to ask you to take on the mother’s role because the real mother cannot come up to the plate is way too much when there is so much to repair.
 
Please do not allow your husband to guilt you into thinking you were somehow responsible for him committing this sin. The blame is ALL on him, NOT YOU. Regardless of what he says, he was the one who willingly chose to fornicate with this woman. And right now, he’s just fishing for excuses to try and put the blame on you.

As for the child, that is a tough one. I personally would take in every last child if I could, even in a situation like yours, BUT I can definitely see where you would have an issue here. It’s bad enough that he committed adultery but now he expects you to be okay with helping to raise the child.

Please speak to your priest. I know that he will give you sound advice on how to handle it. I will be praying for you!
 
I have several friends who are raising or have raised the child(ren) of their husband’s extramarital affairs, or from past relationships that they never disclosed, lied about, or (in one case) never knew resulted in a child until she showed up on the doorstep. I won’t say any of them had an easy time with it, but I will say that none of them regretted having the child(ren) in their lives.
 
I’m trying not to give advice, because this whole situation leads me to feel real anger, and I don’t think I’d give positive advice, other than to say, if you are up to the task of loving a child as much as any one of your own, with God’s grace and help… consider this an opportunity to become a saint. The child is innocent, despite the circumstances.

I don’t know how to say anything else, other than I am praying really hard for you, and for your husband, and for that other woman, and for the unborn child. I’m trying to pray without distractions of anger.

Lord Jesus, come to our assistance. Give us all the grace to be loving in the face of huge sin, forgiving, and open to life, no matter the circumstances. GIVE this woman the grace to become a saint! And may she by her loving action, reunite and rekindle the spark of love between her husband and herself.

O Lord, Please, hear and respond to us. HELP!
 
If you took the child it would be a reminder of your husbands unfaithfulness to his marriage vows every time you looked at the child innocent as the child is, best bet is to get your husband to step up to the plate instead of trying the oldest trick in the book blaming someone else for his failings and lust, get the child adopted and your husband could then have visiting rights later on if he wants. Its his problem let him sort it out, and you stay clear, you have been a good wife he has been a bad one. Trust is so important in a relationship. Can you trust him again, if you want to give your marriage a go it might be best to go to a Catholic Marriage Councillor and go from there.
 
PlainJane1980 said:
Hello CAF! I wish I were here for a better reason, but I needed to vent. My husband had an affair and fathered a child with the other woman. We have 2 kids of our own already and this has really heartbroken me!!! Our intimate life wasn’t always the most exciting, but I always gave it my all. My husband said he felt like an appendix to my life and that I could do it all without him which led him to stray. I have a strong personality so I could see how that could be possible but I’m still in shock over this! He said he tried to tell me to back off but I wouldn’t. He also said that I never seemed to care about his feelings, only mine. I can be an emotional person and I did lean on my husband a lot, but he never shared his emotions with me. I guess we have a communication problem which we’ve agreed to work on.

The situation however is what do I do about this kid of his. He wants to raise the child because the woman he fornicated with is considering abortion (or at least so she says). I’m the primary caregiver for our kids and I do work part-time. How can my husband suggest such a thing? I don’t want to split up our family and want to work on the issues with my husband but taking on another baby that’s not mine is asking a lot. I want to do so for the sake of our family, but I’m still really upset. I feel like I should do this because I pushed my husband into the arms of this woman and wasn’t thoughtful enough of him. Any words of encouragement would be helpful.
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Your husband will be caring for this child one way or another (Child support). It is our duty to try and do all we can to care for the innocent child that was conceived and is alive right now! You both need to do all you can to prevent the murder of his child.

Once the child is born , he has a right to know and be raised by his mother and father. Try and view this whole thing from the innocent child’s perspective…when he is 10 and wishing he knew his dad, or his dad was at his baseball games.

This is not to say it is easy. It’s not, I’m sure it’s very difficult. But these types of challenges are true opportunities to become a Saint.

Kudos by the way for choosing to stay and work on the marriage. I hope you both are able to repent of your sins against each other and you both can grow closer.

My prayers for you and your family.
 
Don’t let anyone force you take a baby that is not yours, and bring it up as yours, let the other woman bring up her child, or get it adopted, if she is going to murder the innocent baby. There are plenty of couples out there praying every day for a baby. Put it like this if you had an affair with another man and asked your husband to bring up this baby as his, what would he say. ?
 
Celtic_Maiden said:
Don’t let anyone force you take a baby that is not yours, and bring it up as yours, let the other woman bring up her child, or get it adopted, if she is going to murder the innocent baby. There are plenty of couples out there praying every day for a baby. Put it like this if you had an affair with another man and asked your husband to bring up this baby as his, what would he say. ?
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I’m sorry, but what does that do for the child ??

Is that love or just for the child?

Granted adoption may be best, but if the mom keeps the child the husband has a duty to the child and needs to be involved.

His responsibility doesn’t end with depositing his seed.

By nature of the marriage bond, the mans wife is affected by this. The child needs to not be punished though despite the difficult situation.
 
Cheating makes me livid. My husband knows that if he cheats, I’m gone (or he is dead because I’m a deadly shot). There would be no staying to work things out. I would divorce ASAP, and get my husband for everything he has. I wouldn’t stay and raise his illegitimate child. So even that the OP is thinking about it means she is a better person than me.

I know the child is innocent, but the child is also a result of cheating. So I couldn’t be around it. My hatred of cheaters would taint the child. The wife is innocent as well, why should she be punished by the child’s presence as well? She has a cheating husband, isn’t that enough?
 
Jon_S said:
I’m sorry, but what does that do for the child ??

Is that love or just for the child?

Granted adoption may be best, but if the mom keeps the child the husband has a duty to the child and needs to be involved.

His responsibility doesn’t end with depositing his seed.

By nature of the marriage bond, the mans wife is affected by this. The child needs to not be punished though despite the difficult situation.
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HIS responsibility does not translate into an obligation for his wife to take on. HE needs to step up and find a solution that is both good for the child and that will not cause more pain for the woman he cheated on. She is certainly affected but she doesn’t have to be a doormat. There is also the possibility that this is a ploy of his to keep the other woman in his life.

There are several innocents here. The wife, the unborn child AND the other two children. The love and duty do not start and end with the unborn child. He/she is one of several people that need love and compassion.
 
You guys are probably right.

Probably best to abandon the child to save the emotions of others.

Send this thread to the pro abortion folks. Perhaps they are right…no concern for the children after they are born.

:smh:
 
Jon_S said:
You guys are probably right.

Probably best to abandon the child to save the emotions of others.

Send this thread to the pro abortion folks. Perhaps they are right…no concern for the children after they are born.

:smh:
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ok, that was just rude. No one is saying to abandon the baby. But it is unfair to say that the only two alternatives are to abandon the baby or to force the cheater’s wife to accept the child into her and her children’s home. (the logic “folks” call that a false dichotomy)

As for the pro-abortion “folks”, one of their complaints is that Catholics and other pro-life Christians only have compassion for unborn babies and not for people after they are born. This idea that we need to force the wife to give this child a good home no matter who else it hurts just feeds that misconception. We need to be concerned with ALL of the innocent people in this sad situation.
 
agnes_therese said:
Hon, first of all, do NOT accept his attempts to blame you for his sin! He made the decision to have an affair, it’s entirely on his head and his conscience. He can’t justify that by saying “you made me.” You need to insist that he take responsibility for his own actions.

The baby is a separate issue. It’s good that he doesn’t want her to have an abortion, but asking you to raise the child is, IMO, over the top. There are a lot of childless couples out there who would love to adopt a newborn.
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Well stated. Praying for you, your family & this innocent baby.
 
Jon_S said:
You guys are probably right.

Probably best to abandon the child to save the emotions of others.

Send this thread to the pro abortion folks. Perhaps they are right…no concern for the children after they are born.

:smh:
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But the OP has children that are already born (and not products of an affair) that need to be thought of as well. Would they react well to a half-sibling just appearing and be told, “your dad couldn’t keep it in his pants and slept with another woman, so here you go!”.
 
Heal my broken heart, My Lord, Heal my broken soul, I feel torn apart, My Lord, And You can make me whole.

Take me in Your arms, My Lord, And hold me to Your breast, I am oh-so weary, Lord, And You can give me rest.

Wipe away my tears, My Lord, With gentle hands of love, Quiet down my fears, My Lord, With graces from above.

Stay with me awhile, My Lord, For I feel all alone, I’m like a little child, My Lord, With You I feel at home.

Help me bear this cross, My Lord, Help me with this pain, Unite me with Your Cross, My Lord, And I’ll be strong again.

Tell me how to cope, My Lord, Let me hear Your voice, Encourage me with hope, My Lord, Your way, my only choice.

Set me on my feet, My Lord, And stay here by my side, Until I feel Your strength, My Lord, To walk in steady stride.

Nudge me on my way, My Lord, But stay not far behind, Until I reach that day, My Lord, With renewed peace of mind.

And on that day, I will say:

My broken heart is healed, My Lord, And so’s my broken soul, You are all I need, My Lord, And once again, I’m whole.
 
Corki said:
ok, that was just rude. No one is saying to abandon the baby. But it is unfair to say that the only two alternatives are to abandon the baby or to force the cheater’s wife to accept the child into her and her children’s home. (the logic “folks” call that a false dichotomy)

As for the pro-abortion “folks”, one of their complaints is that Catholics and other pro-life Christians only have compassion for unborn babies and not for people after they are born. This idea that we need to force the wife to give this child a good home no matter who else it hurts just feeds that misconception. We need to be concerned with ALL of the innocent people in this sad situation.
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Frankly

The husbands affair will always be part of their life. They can live their life wondering about the son or they can invest in the child. If the parents cannot care for the child financially or emotionally than adoption should be considered. Otherwise the husband must raise this child. It is imperative he is part of the child’s life.

Sarah sent away Ismael, look what became of that.

There is an easy broad road, and a narrow gate in this situation. I would challenge folks to do what is hard for the sake of Christ.

No I am not being rude either. I am challenging people to stop thinking of themselves at the expense of another.

Choosing to force the husband to have no contact with the child for sake of the wife’s feelings is selfish.

The wife needs comfort and care and love and support but not at the expense of the child.

A solution needs to be found in which all parties , the husband and wife who are one flesh, and the child are able to benefit as much as possible.
 
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