Husband's Past

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atugirl said:
Thank you for the replies and advice, especially Evania, KC2844, ReginaLove, Lastingfaith, Viki63, Dorothy, mountee, Loving disciple, Monicad, Joe 5859, FrenzyJen, Kelfa28, LongingSoul, EasterJoy. I find praying with my husband, adoration, and mass helps. I wouldn’t trade my husband for anyone! I simply asked for prayers and wanted to reach out to other single people about my experience in hopes of stopping them from committing mortal sin and saving themselves. God Bless and please continue to pray for me.
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It sounds as though you have things in good perspective, atugirl and good on you for making a valid and sound point for the sake of others. I normally only contribute in this Family Life forum with things I have my own experience of, and I was in the same place as you are. 25 years of marriage later, it really doesn’t have any relevance, but the awareness and acknowledgement of sin really are essential to healing. My husband said that if he knew he was going to meet me, he would never have had sex before and I knew that he meant it based on natural law reasoning (which is presupposed by divine law) since back then he was only a nominal Catholic.

God Bless you and you husband. You’ll be fine.
 
atugirl said:
Thank you for the replies and advice, especially Evania, KC2844, ReginaLove, Lastingfaith, Viki63, Dorothy, mountee, Loving disciple, Monicad, Joe 5859, FrenzyJen, Kelfa28, LongingSoul, EasterJoy. I find praying with my husband, adoration, and mass helps. I wouldn’t trade my husband for anyone! I simply asked for prayers and wanted to reach out to other single people about my experience in hopes of stopping them from committing mortal sin and saving themselves. God Bless and please continue to pray for me.
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You’ll get through this, and many more things, besides. Love covers a multitude of sins, challenges, missteps, misunderstandings, stupid mistakes, real concerns, imaginary concerns, demands from friends and family, crud brought home from work, stuff dragged in from childhood, insanity brought on by the world, and so much more…plus it makes all the good stuff better, too! 👍

Prayer and the sacraments are often-neglected components of true love. When you really need some grace, it helps to know your way quickly to the Fountain. Oh, and I’m not against counseling at all. It turns out that there are skills you can learn to help yourself get the better of compulsive thoughts that dog you. If you sense that you’re just not working through this, by all means seek out a good counselor.
 
Dear atugirl,

Best wishes on your marriage!

Did this issue bother you before you were married? If your sadness is new, it might be more of a case of post-wedding letdown (now you’re no longer the center of attention etc), which is totally normal.

But I also agree with the posters who said to talk to your hubby about your feelings!
 
Thank you, no it did not bother me too much before marriage. I thought about it but didn’t realize what sexual intimacy entailed completely until I experienced it myself, being a virgin and all. No this isn’t a post-wedding let down. I loved our engagement and our wedding day was very special, but I would not want to relive it again. It was very tiring! God bless.
 
This is my opinion as to looking at the past. The past is exactly that. It’s over and what’s done is done and you have to live with it. We all make mistakes. The thing that matters is that you have to want to change and know how to change. People don’t just suddenly become someone else even though they want to sometimes. It’s the present and the future you need to be concerned about. Is there a chance of infidelity 🤷 people are also not perfect. Look at Peter the head of the church and what he did. What kind of a Man is he now.

HTH in some way.
God Bless
 
“I lloved our engagement and our wedding day was very special, but I would not want to relive it again. It was very tiring and I don’t necessarily like being the center of attention.”

Your answer made me smile–you sound very sensible! 😃

I might be so totally off the mark here, so forgive me…I’ve noticed that there’s a really big sense of sexual competition in the outside culture, boiling down to “# of sexual partners=how cool/sexy/desirable/whatever”. I’ve seen TV show plots centered around this!!! Might it be possible you absorbed some of it subconsciously? Or if you felt kind of awkward or inadequate before you met your hubby, it’s bubbling back up to the surface?

Anyhow, keeping your new marriage in my prayers!
 
I only watch EWTN. I was hurt because my husband slept with other people besides me. Thank you for the prayers.
 
Easter Joy said:

“Well, now, that’s a fine Catch-22! If someone maintains her virginity prior to marriage, you in the “protect the husband (the one she never attacked in the first place)” crowd are going to chide her or being too picky–bringing up the possibility that she might DIE ALONE even!?!–if she won’t look past a potential spouse’s sexual past, and yet also chide her for finding the sexual past difficult to adjust to if she does elect to try to get past it!! And yet somehow I’m the one who’s being lectured at because admitting that sexual sins have temporal consequences, lest I be to judgmental towards her husband?”
  1. Don’t think of it as being “protect the husband.” I would phrase it as “protect the marriage.” I am concerned (and I suspect others are) because I feel that her marriage is in danger.
  2. I didn’t invent the Catch-22–either one waits for somebody that meets all of one’s requirements in a spouse, or one makes compromises and takes what’s available and makes the best of it. Different people will make different choices, but that’s the essential problem, and there are endless variants on it.
I have another analogy to demonstrate that one does not owe virginity to a spouse. Let’s say that a woman meets a man with only one hand. He lost the other hand in a stupid teenage accident. The woman doesn’t think it’s a big deal and they get married. Years later, she realizes all that she has sacrificed by marrying him–there is a wide assortment of things he can’t do for her or the children because of his disability, which was caused by his own thoughtlessness and carelessness. Now, is it fair to say that he owed her that hand that he lost? I don’t think so. She fell in love and married a man with one hand–he does not somehow owe her for the lost hand.
 
I feel as though it isn’t necessary to continue this thread. Can an admin close it please? Being the OP, I appreciate the advice and prayers, please continue to pray for me, but arguing about my situation when you don’t have enough details to understand it completely isn’t very helpful. If you’ve already stated your advice, please leave it at that and know I appreciate your time and help very much. Thank you again and God Bless!
 
Xantippe said:
Easter Joy said:

“Well, now, that’s a fine Catch-22! If someone maintains her virginity prior to marriage, you in the “protect the husband (the one she never attacked in the first place)” crowd are going to chide her or being too picky–bringing up the possibility that she might DIE ALONE even!?!–if she won’t look past a potential spouse’s sexual past, and yet also chide her for finding the sexual past difficult to adjust to if she does elect to try to get past it!! And yet somehow I’m the one who’s being lectured at because admitting that sexual sins have temporal consequences, lest I be to judgmental towards her husband?”
  1. Don’t think of it as being “protect the husband.” I would phrase it as “protect the marriage.” I am concerned (and I suspect others are) because I feel that her marriage is in danger.
  2. I didn’t invent the Catch-22–either one waits for somebody that meets all of one’s requirements in a spouse, or one makes compromises and takes what’s available and makes the best of it. Different people will make different choices, but that’s the essential problem, and there are endless variants on it.
I have another analogy to demonstrate that one does not owe virginity to a spouse. Let’s say that a woman meets a man with only one hand. He lost the other hand in a stupid teenage accident. The woman doesn’t think it’s a big deal and they get married. Years later, she realizes all that she has sacrificed by marrying him–there is a wide assortment of things he can’t do for her or the children because of his disability, which was caused by his own thoughtlessness and carelessness. Now, is it fair to say that he owed her that hand that he lost? I don’t think so. She fell in love and married a man with one hand–he does not somehow owe her for the lost hand.
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The hand analogy is perfect!👍
 
Before it is closed, I would like you to know that because of following this post, it reminded me of things that I had for a long time tried to ignore. I finally decided to give it some more thought, and re-address it with my husband (his pre-marriage “experiences” with another woman).

We, because of your post, are now in an even sweeter spot. Please know that you helped us, and that this does get easier with time. God bless you!!
 
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