**pyro_alchemist,
What a great name for an alcoholic!
One night I awoke in a motel room in Denver with my face in a large pile of broken glass. There was vomit on the floor. I had no idea, nor do I know to this day, what happened or how I ended up in such a shambles.
I had reached the point of maintenance drinking - a quart of Absolut a day, and that was just the vodka. On top of that I was using lots and lots of drugs and burning bridges all day every day.
My boss said, “You’re a mess, I can’t have you on my bandstand. Get some help!” Through his generosity I went through a 4-week outpatient program for alcoholics and drug abusers (it took me 6 weeks because my father died in the middle of my treatment). I went back to work after 8 weeks and toured all over the U.S. as a vocalist, as a sober** vocalist. The fear was excruciating. The best I could do was say this prayer over and over, before/during/after each show: “God, please remove my fear and direct my attention to what You would have me be.” Fear subsided, color returned to my world, laughter became natural, and I was supported by friends and family through the incredible program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
God willing, in 24 days I will celebrate 25 years of continuous sobriety. I was given a reprieve from the craving, the obsession, the covering up, the charade; and the gift of sobriety was mine through working my program one day at a time.
Nothing worth having or doing is easy. There are people on this forum, myself included, who are willing and able to help guide you toward the wellness and fullness of life that you are seeking. You can also find meetings online if you just search for “Alcoholic Anonymous Online” or “AA Online”. These do not take the place of face-to-face meetings, which are essential to recovery; but they help some folks “get their feet wet”.
I think because you sound like you have a real relationship with God it shouldn’t be too difficult for you to find more similarities than differences between yourself and others recovering in AA. I hope you will pursue it and that you will let us know how it’s going for you. The newcomers are the lifeblood of the program - you help keep us all sober. Blessings, and remember: courage is fear that has prayed.
Limerick