I am a 20 year old guy and I feel utterly hopeless.
God please don’t abandon me. I love God but I have to ask him why can’t I have a normal life and be happy? Am I too much a failure to care about?
Pray for me, because I have nobody.
Went through something very much like that myself when I was your age. Lasted a few years. Now I’m 67 and rather happy with my life, seeing how that time actually made me strong, and allowed me to ask questions that wouldn’t have come to me if I was comfortable.
There were a number of factors in my depression; they may possibly apply to you, or not. Some of them aren’t often mentioned, so I will just put them on the table. No need to pick any of them up, if they don’t suit.
Though I was eating, I was malnourished. I was eating a junk diet that included lots of fat, sugar, salt, alcohol, and few if any fresh greens and fruits. I actually ate a cup or more of white sugar and cocoa nearly very day. The resulting chemical imbalance manifested as lack of interest, depression, lethargy and social apathy partly due to a low self image. So eating differently, going more for healthy food, even got to thinking of cooking as a meditation all helped. And by the way, turmeric has been known to be effective with cases of depression. Look it up, if you like.
My perceptions of my self were heavily influenced by overindulgence in feeling that I was a sinner. That is called scrupulosity. It is not healthy. Instead of having an inventory of what I could do, even a little well, and developing that, I dwelt on what was wrong with me. I got to the point where I actually repelled people by my “vibe.” Concentrating even on small things that were good about me opened up a world of things I hadn’t even realized before then. You are where your attention is.
My hygiene was not the best. OK, it was pathetic. And I didn’t even have a clue until someone actually came up to me and sprayed an entire can of Right Guard on me, even as I was trying to run away. (Did you know “hygiene” comes from the name of the Greek Goddess of well being, Hygieia?
) I learned to brush my teeth, take showers, change my underwear, use deodorant, etc. Eventually I got so good I actually had a job as a member of staff in a completely old world elegant mansion. I fooled even me!
I wasn’t interested in anybody else. It was
all about me. Eventually, somehow, it got to where I saw that being interested in others got my energy up, either by agreement or contrast, and I actually had things to talk about. I got to me willing to make an utter fool of myself just to see what would happen if I talked to someone. God, talk about fear and pain. But I was desperate. I was tired of being a recluse. even in public.
Twice I was absolutely certain I would just die, or was dying. Many things were going on, and eventually I got through them and even later found psychological or physiological explanations for some of them.
At one point, I was, along with the above, also sure I was going mad. For three days my only friend was a lump of clay that I “kneaded/needed.” I had a 14’ stuffed calico snake my sister made me, and I wore it on college campus, wrapped around me and got to be known as “snake guy.” But I got through that, too.
I got c-r-a-p advice. One counselor even told me that if nothing else worked, just keep telling myself “Jinkees, it’s great to be a clam!” And for what it’s worth, all the “keep your faith” and “we’ll pray for you” were of no noticable help, or worse.
I was knocked out, and upon wakening, had realized something about myself and the nature of my mind that was totally unexpected and had no explanation or remedy in my faith. Some people thought I needed a psychiatrist, even though my grades and abilities improved. I had to totally re-asses what I thought I was as a person, and what “God” meant to me. It took years to stabilize from that one. Eventually there was a handle for that, too, from a totally unexpected direction.
Somehow, through all of it, I knew there was “God,” even if my definition or understanding was whacked. I was also totally sure I couldn’t hurt God by doing my sincere best to find out what I was about, conforming to my faith, or not, going by sincere inquiry about my experience and nature. Yes, I eventually had a total revamping of that concept through a lot of prayer, I guess it cold be called, but more likely meditation or contemplation. I am totally convinced that no one is outside of the Arms of Love. We are
ALL in that embrace. And if we feel that we are not, it is because our thoughts about God and ourselves are making the wall we can’t see through. But we are still there.
So, Mike 2112, I don’t believe I’ve ever told all that to anyone on one plate. I’m only telling you, because it sounds like you could use some company and some comfort. I can’t be there, but maybe my story will help. For what it’s worth, 47 years later, I’m a successful artist with work in Europe, Canada, and all over the States. I am a part of the community here both in business as a house painter and as a volunteer in the Arts and with the County as a successful counselor for Seniors. My “take” on God is a bit different than most, but I know for certain that no matter what it looks like, Love rules the field. I hope that maybe some f what I went through helps you, or at lest give you some hope! Blessings on you!
I always believe that God is always giving us the grace that we need, the problem is our capacity to receive it and to believe in it.
