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I became a thief, alcoholic, addict and was in jail 2 years before I was 22. Not to mention the boys home for three years.
I was also homosexual.
After trying everything I could on my own limited human power and reason to be happy and free, i said a prayer to jesus christ and all of those desires were removed from me and I went from being an evil person, harming everyone around me, to a productive person with an entirely different outlook on life and different belief system.
this all occurred in about 15 seconds of time after saying the prayer.
the problem with people like you, is that reason has not failed you entirely yet and your self inflicted pain is not great enough to look to God. When that occurs, you will come to know the one thing that can solve your problem and give you what you have been seeking all along. Some day you will say, wow, i wish I would have done that sooner.
but the fact is, you cannot, not until you are ready. that may be the day you are dying, but whenever, He is faithful to give you what you need, even if that means being without His grace after this life, which is a horrible place. Even as an agnostic, you are still in the midst of the grace of God, else you would not know love or have any things deemed “good” in your life.