I am embarrassed, and I am angry

  • Thread starter Thread starter Ophelia23
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
O

Ophelia23

Guest
More than anything, this is just a rant.

Yesterday evening, my husband was volunteering for our Church’s spring festival by helping out with bingo. Other guys from the Men’s Club were helping, too. He said he would be home around 10-10:30. He wasn’t home at that time, but I didn’t worry–I just went to bed on my own. I’ve got small kids. Mornings come very early. 😛

Around 11:30, I got a hugely suggestive text from him. Several texts, actually. Saying things like, when he gets home I’d better run, that he’s ready to go and I need to be ready and waiting, and that he’s going to make me scream and sing. I got the feeling it wasn’t him because he just… it didn’t seem like him. Turns out, another man from men’s club was texting me as my husband. I was not happy about this. When he got home, he was so incredibly drunk. I told him what had happened and how it made me feel, and he laughed. I went from being irritated to being downright angry. He said that the other guy just took his phone and was having fun. I think it’s gross that anybody other than my husband put me in that context. I’m irritated that it got me out of bed for foolery. Well…

Today I went with our kids up to the spring festival so they could play the games. No lie, 5 different men from Men’s Club came up to me at different times this afternoon and said things like, “So, how’d you like those texts??” One actually came up to me and said that he thinks I’m owed an apology. But the fact is, ALL of the men knew what had happened. And what’s even worse, they told me how it happened. My husband OFFERED for them to do it. He gave over his phone declaring “Who wants to text my wife??”

I’m livid. I’m embarrassed. I’m… if I go by the reactions of the men from the club, I’m overreacting. But I don’t appreciate being teh subject of a dirty joke. Poke fun at me all you want, and I can take it AND dish it. But bedroom jokes? Offering for other men to try to make me blush? I feel dirty. Yucky. And while my husband has apologized, after all of the men coming up to me today I feel like I want a whole additional apology on top of it!

I’ve been praying the Rosary a lot more lately, and I happen to be in the middle of a novena for grace. I’m trying to handle the whole situation at church gracefully, but I honestly and genuinely feel disgraced and embarrassed.
 
Ophelia23 said:
More than anything, this is just a rant.

Yesterday evening, my husband was volunteering for our Church’s spring festival by helping out with bingo. Other guys from the Men’s Club were helping, too. He said he would be home around 10-10:30. He wasn’t home at that time, but I didn’t worry–I just went to bed on my own. I’ve got small kids. Mornings come very early. 😛

Around 11:30, I got a hugely suggestive text from him. Several texts, actually. Saying things like, when he gets home I’d better run, that he’s ready to go and I need to be ready and waiting, and that he’s going to make me scream and sing. I got the feeling it wasn’t him because he just… it didn’t seem like him. Turns out, another man from men’s club was texting me as my husband. I was not happy about this. When he got home, he was so incredibly drunk. I told him what had happened and how it made me feel, and he laughed. I went from being irritated to being downright angry. He said that the other guy just took his phone and was having fun. I think it’s gross that anybody other than my husband put me in that context. I’m irritated that it got me out of bed for foolery. Well…

Today I went with our kids up to the spring festival so they could play the games. No lie, 5 different men from Men’s Club came up to me at different times this afternoon and said things like, “So, how’d you like those texts??” One actually came up to me and said that he thinks I’m owed an apology. But the fact is, ALL of the men knew what had happened. And what’s even worse, they told me how it happened. My husband OFFERED for them to do it. He gave over his phone declaring “Who wants to text my wife??”

I’m livid. I’m embarrassed. I’m… if I go by the reactions of the men from the club, I’m overreacting. But I don’t appreciate being teh subject of a dirty joke. Poke fun at me all you want, and I can take it AND dish it. But bedroom jokes? Offering for other men to try to make me blush? I feel dirty. Yucky. And while my husband has apologized, after all of the men coming up to me today I feel like I want a whole additional apology on top of it!

I’ve been praying the Rosary a lot more lately, and I happen to be in the middle of a novena for grace. I’m trying to handle the whole situation at church gracefully, but I honestly and genuinely feel disgraced and embarrassed.
Click to expand...
Wow.

That’s awful–encouraging naughty texts from other men and keeping you from sleeping when you were a good sport about making it possible for him to go out and do his thing. Also, did he drive himself home drunk? If so, that’s yet another demerit.

I think you need to schedule a meeting with your husband and put some options on the table.

Some possibilities (and I realize the leave-the-parish one is pretty nuclear):

–quit men’s club (it doesn’t sound like it’s doing anything for his spiritual life)
–change parishes (the nuclear option, but it will fix your embarrassment problem)
–make sure that you get roughly equal outings

Is he still having trouble supporting you guys? If so, that may also need to be one of the issues you need to discuss.
 
So they think this is funny, do they? It is one thing to make bad choices when you’ve mistakenly had too much to drink, bad behavior for which you repent later. Yes, we pardon the brother who repents, even if it is the seventy times seventh time. It is quite another thing to accept it when someone thinks he ought to be able to offend and then exult over the poor butt of his disgusting drunken jokes, instead of repenting and asking for Christian forgiveness. Does it do such souls good to laugh and believe that this was just good fun? No, it does not, not when he is a believer who learned better when he learned Christ. Would you allow the men in your parish to torment another woman this way while you stood by and did nothing to admonish them? Let us hope not.

Our Lord did not tell us that a forgiving heart just lets these things go entirely. Turning the other cheek shows the Christian endurance properly shown to unbelievers who do not know better. The Lord told us to go to a brother who has wronged us and seek his repentance. (This, I would say you have done. So far, so good.) If he doesn’t give it, we take another and confront him again, so as to have witnesses. If that does not work, we go to the church. If even that does not work, we treat them not as brothers, but as tax collectors or Gentiles.

If your husband will apologize to you–without qualification, because there is no excuse for what he did!!–and then take your part and insist to these fellows that this really upset you and they need to apologize and look hard at why they think this is funny and if they do offer an apology, then fine. Let it go. If your husband will not take your part or if they will not apologize, then that would make it time for you to take it outside the circle of the offense. This is disgusting behavior coming from men who profess to be Christians, and I’d call them to account to those most likely to hold them to account.

If my husband repents but some or all of the others double down and stick with their contention that I should accept this kind of abuse, my question to my husband would be this: Who do I tell about their disgusting prank and their bragging to my face about it first–their wives or their pastor? Be very sure, Gentlemen, that I will be going to both for help. If I still get no redress, you will be as unbelievers to me. I will be polite to you, but I will not trust you farther than I can throw a piano, for that would violate prudence. You will not be welcome near my family or at my table. It is sad, but they don’t leave much room for trust after sticking to their guns that they have a right to abuse others in such a disgusting way. Honestly, it must be fairly asked if this “men’s group” doesn’t need the pastor there to supervise them any time they are together, as if they were a bunch of adolescent boys.

For your part, seek the grace to make these corrections with a gentle and sisterly heart, seeking their return to purity of intention more than seeking to repair a wound to your pride. You have suffered no real injury to your own honor in the eyes of anyone with discretion, since the rude words of drunks are no reflection on those they abuse. As their sister in Christ, however, the spiritual work of mercy your ought to see carried out is to admonish the sinner and see to it that serious steps are taken to urge them to repentance.

Read Ephesians, especially chapters 4 and 5, and you will get the picture. You must not let the devil’s success at luring them into drunkenness, lewd talk, and hardness of heart with regards to their impurity and callousness towards your feelings also lure you into bitterness and the nursing of a grudge against them. Keep their spiritual welfare at heart, and you will win mercy for yourself and the faults in yourself to which you are blind.
 
Wow. Really…wow.

Sorry, but, how old is your husband? Because honestly this sounds like something a bunch of teenagers would do.
 
This is really gross behavior. To think that these are supposed to be helping the Church and still do this. BTW, did he explain why he came home late and drunk? This is unacceptable behavior and as such, your husband should be sleeping on the couch for awhile. If not forever. Would he join in if another of the men suggested they do this to his wife? Very juvenile. And, yes, talk with your priest about this. If they were drinking and goofing off while doing a “Church” activity, he needs to know.**
 
Ophelia23 said:
…I feel dirty. Yucky. And while my husband has apologized, after all of the men coming up to me today I feel like I want a whole additional apology on top of it!..
Click to expand...
Make no mistake: this was a gross violation in the trust you ought to be able to have in your brothers in Christ. Do not let anyone tell you differently or shame you for feeling exactly as anyone with two neurons touching ought to be able to see they were trying to make you feel. You trusted them, they abused your trust, and they tried to put the guilt of it on you afterwards. They ought to see that they need to earn your trust back. Forgiveness mends relational fences, but it doesn’t fix broken glass.

From The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, Letter 11

The real use of Jokes or Humour is in quite a different direction, and it is specially promising among the English who take their “sense of humour” so seriously that a deficiency in this sense is almost the only deficiency at which they feel shame. Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life. Hence it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame. If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is “mean”; if he boasts of it in a jocular manner and twits his fellows with having been scored off, he is no longer “mean” but a comical fellow. Mere cowardice is shameful; cowardice boasted of with humorous exaggerations and grotesque gestures can passed off as funny.* Cruelty is shameful - unless the cruel man can represent it as a practical joke. A thousand bawdy, or even blasphemous, jokes do not help towards a man’s damnation so much as his discovery that almost anything he wants to do can be done, not only without the disapproval but with the admiration of his fellows, if only it can get itself treated as a Joke.** And this temptation can be almost entirely hidden from your patient by that English seriousness about Humour. Any suggestion that there might be too much of it can be represented to him as “Puritanical” or as betraying a “lack of humour”. *
 
kptrs said:
Wow. Really…wow.

Sorry, but, how old is your husband? Because honestly this sounds like something a bunch of teenagers would do.
Click to expand...
Those who think anything they can think of to do or say after they have had too much to drink with their friends is good clean fun are worse than adolescent boys. Adolescent boys do not have driver’s licenses, families to support, or wives they have promised to love and honor all the days of their lives.

One has to ask, after all: Who drove all these adult Christian men to their homes? At least one woman’s feelings were harmed for fun, but how many were put into bodily danger or into the danger of being widows or orphans because these fellows (in the context of a group for those who consider themselves both Catholic and grown men!!) exercised so little judgment?
 
By no means do you have to answer this, but if I may ask, what is your marriage like overall? These are definitely not the actions of a loving husband. I would definitely have trust issues after this.
 
EasterJoy said:
Those who think anything they can think of to do or say after they have had too much to drink with their friends is good clean fun are worse than adolescent boys. Adolescent boys do not have driver’s licenses, families to support, or wives they have promised to love and honor all the days of their lives.

One has to ask, after all: Who drove all these adult Christian men to their homes? At least one woman’s feelings were harmed for fun, but how many were put into bodily danger or into the danger of being widows or orphans because these fellows (in the context of a group for those who consider themselves both Catholic and grown men!!) exercised so little judgment?
Click to expand...
Agreed. Very well said. 👍
 
Very questionable behavior from a Catholic Men’s Group while engaging in Church activity or at anytime.
 
Ophelia23 said:
I’m livid. I’m embarrassed. I’m… if I go by the reactions of the men from the club, I’m overreacting. But I don’t appreciate being teh subject of a dirty joke. Poke fun at me all you want, and I can take it AND dish it. But bedroom jokes? Offering for other men to try to make me blush? I feel dirty. Yucky. And while my husband has apologized, after all of the men coming up to me today I feel like I want a whole additional apology on top of it!
Click to expand...
You aren’t over-reacting. If this happened to me, I’d go up to each of those guys who texted you (and who didn’t apologize) and give them a piece of my mind. I’d probably yell at them, and have to suppress the temptation to slap them. At the very least, they need to be told that they should go to confession about it. But that’s just me.

I understand that people do things when they’re drunk that they might not otherwise do, and that peer-pressure can be a very strong force, but they’re still responsible for their actions. They need to know that what they did was WRONG. Maybe you should talk to your priest about it.
 
I’d do this:
  1. DH on the couch. A full apology required and a serious conversation. More to come below.
  2. Confront other men and notify their wives.
  3. Advise parish priest.
  4. Contact police to investigate probable DUIs.
I would be concerned about what else was said at the event that led up to the texts. I’m also deeply concerned about DUI. If your husband drove home drunk, I would want him to go in for counseling, as that puts the whole family at risk, as well as the larger community. Absolutely disgraceful!
 
alphawoman said:
I’d do this:
  1. DH on the couch. A full apology required and a serious conversation. More to come below.
  2. Confront other men and notify their wives.
  3. Advise parish priest.
  4. Contact police to investigate probable DUIs.
I would be concerned about what else was said at the event that led up to the texts. I’m also deeply concerned about DUI. If your husband drove home drunk, I would want him to go in for counseling, as that puts the whole family at risk, as well as the larger community. Absolutely disgraceful!
Click to expand...
I think it is very serious, but don’t do anything you can’t take back.
 
First of all, I think it goes without saying that your husband’s time in “men’s group” is at an end. All the more time for AA meetings. Secondly, I would be very tempted to show those texts to the pastor, so he can see the sort of activities the parish is sponsoring. (I’m assuming this group is a parish-sponsored group that is advertised as a good spiritual opportunity for the men of the parish.)
 
alphawoman said:
I’d do this:
  1. DH on the couch. A full apology required and a serious conversation. More to come below.
  2. Confront other men and notify their wives.
  3. Advise parish priest.
  4. Contact police to investigate probable DUIs.
I would be concerned about what else was said at the event that led up to the texts. I’m also deeply concerned about DUI. If your husband drove home drunk, I would want him to go in for counseling, as that puts the whole family at risk, as well as the larger community. Absolutely disgraceful!
Click to expand...
I have NO tolerance for drunk drivers. I have lost family and a friend and an aunt and uncle who were left for dead, my aunt never worked again due to permanent brain injury. If I were you, I’d follow the above advice. If it was me, I would have the priest announce what happen and call the men up and chastise them and have them apologize to the whole congregation. Shame on them.
 
alphawoman said:
  1. DH on the couch. A full apology required and a serious conversation.
  2. Confront other men and notify their wives.
  3. Advise parish priest.
  4. Contact police to investigate probable DUIs.
Click to expand...
  1. Absolutely would do this!
  2. I would talk to the other men, telling them how embarrassing, revolting, childish their behavior was. Wives, why? The wives didn’t do anything. Besides this is vindictive and childish, more childish behavior won’t make this better.
  3. Why? The priest wasn’t involved. Besides as with #2, this is vindictive and childish.
  4. Probable? It either is or it isn’t. Nothing can be done about what you might have done or probably did, since the evidence is gone, or you didn’t get caught doing it. These men got lucky this time.
 
WOW! I think you first need to resolve this with your dh. Seriously, where in church doctrine or in the group’s mission statement is this behavior condoned? We all make mistakes and I am not a saint but to involve oneself in this behavior while representing the church - inexcusable. I pray his answer is not that “we were just unwinding or having a little fun”.

Second, and I would do this regardless of your dh’s wishes, I would print the texts out, but black out the sender’s names, and give them to your pastor - EVERY SINGLE ONE. Other than saying how hurt and mortified you are, the words in the texts speak for themselves. There isn’t reason to single people out and destroy personal reputations (and marriages) and I don’t think God would want that. I pray these men are exceedingly repentant and confess this (but that Is between them and God). I hope the pastor will literally dissolve this group and address this, in general but serious terms, in a meeting with the group.

Third, you need to find a way to forgive them as God expects us to do.

Fourth, I would find another parish. For me, I would never want to have anything to do with these men ever again and I would find it difficult to attend church with them. That saddens me because, I for one, am very attached to my parish but I would have a very hard time attending services and participating in church activities with these men.

My heart goes out to you. I always hated the “explanation” that boys will boys and this is horrible representation of you parish.
 
Your husband has a serious problem. He is getting so drunk that he is out of control. Under different circumstances, what else could happen? Anything.

I don’t know how realistic this is, but I think it would be best if he stopped going out drinking with the guys, at least for a few months. If he can’t give up binge drinking, he should seek counseling or therapy.
 
Beryllos said:
Your husband has a serious problem. He is getting so drunk that he is out of control. Under different circumstances, what else could happen? Anything.
Click to expand...
Yeah.

And “anything” covers a lot of territory.
 
asia53 said:
  1. Absolutely would do this!
  2. I would talk to the other men, telling them how embarrassing, revolting, childish their behavior was. Wives, why? The wives didn’t do anything. Besides this is vindictive and childish, more childish behavior won’t make this better.
  3. Why? The priest wasn’t involved. Besides as with #2, this is vindictive and childish.
  4. Probable? It either is or it isn’t. Nothing can be done about what you might have done or probably did, since the evidence is gone, or you didn’t get caught doing it. These men got lucky this time.
Click to expand...
The purpose of informing the priest would be to let him know the behavior that’s going on under the guise of a Catholic men’s group in his parish. If you lived across the street from the parish and these same drunken goons egged your car, would it be vindictive and childish to inform the pastor? I don’t think so. The OP has already taken her husband to task for what he’s done, however, the group should be held responsible for their part in it. I would think that a pastor would want to know if an approved parish group was using their time together to sexually harass another member of the parish.

The purpose of telling the other wives would be to let them know what their husbands are actually doing when they are supposed to be conducting BINGO games. The only problem with this is that it is likely to cause friction in their marriages and the OP really doesn’t know which men were involved in this stunt anyway. I can see some really bad unintended outcomes of telling the wives. I think the pastor is the correct person to speak to.

The only complaint the OP can file with the police is against her own husband, since she doesn’t have any evidence other than hearsay as to how the other men got home and how drunk they were. So if she wants to file a report on her own husband… well, that’s on her. She could file a report about the sexual harassment, but again, I don’t see how without incriminating her husband as well.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top