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dmftx
Guest
PLEASE do not be the one to involve the wives! I do’t see anything positive coming from that. Let natural consequences, in that regard, occur.
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nana3
Guest
I hope this men’s club is not the Knights of Columbus, but if it were, I would not be surprised.
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DaveBj
Guest
This kind of activity is so far removed from anything that would go on in our parish that my mouth was hanging open as I read the OP. There’s been a lot of good advice, and perhaps some not so good, but as far as I’m concerned the above bolded should be #1. When parish activities are leading to sinful actions, the parish’s spiritual leader needs to be made aware, so that he can take appropriate action, perhaps starting with revisiting the policy of serving alcohol.
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Ophelia23
Guest
I have to say first and foremost, everybody in the men’s club who was drinking also lives within a three block radius of the church. No drunk driving was involved here. And I also feel like I need to say, my husband rarely drinks. It’s not a common thing at all. Second, I did see the suggestion to leave the parish but I am no where near considering it. I love our parish so much. I am a cantor and the funeral musician/accompanist, I run the youth group, my daughter attends the school…we are invested, and it is my home. My family, and my home.
With all of that said, I’ve tried to have a conversation with my husband about it. He has apologized, but he also says that I am over-reacting. And each time he says that, the more I feel disrespected. He got very, very upset when I mentioned possibly talking to Father about it. He says it is unfair to punish everybody for his stupid move. He initiated it. But everybody got a laugh out of it—at my expense. And when I have tried to talk to him about some kind of consequence to the Men’s Club, he got SO angry and yelled at me about being high and mighty.
I know this will be resolved between us. But for now, I’m feeling very much like he doesn’t have my back and I wish he would.
He has been in ongoing treatment for depression, and it was not even a week ago that his uncle committed suicide. In fact, the 5:00 Mass yesterday was offered for his uncle. There is so much more bubbling under the surface than I presented in my original post, and I’m feeling a little guilty about that. I don’t want it to be a conversation about how bad my husband is. (I know that nobody is saying that, but I needed to say that myself.
)
I suppose I don’t know what I wanted by posting my feelings. Maybe just to put them out there and feel a little validation.
With all of that said, I’ve tried to have a conversation with my husband about it. He has apologized, but he also says that I am over-reacting. And each time he says that, the more I feel disrespected. He got very, very upset when I mentioned possibly talking to Father about it. He says it is unfair to punish everybody for his stupid move. He initiated it. But everybody got a laugh out of it—at my expense. And when I have tried to talk to him about some kind of consequence to the Men’s Club, he got SO angry and yelled at me about being high and mighty.
I know this will be resolved between us. But for now, I’m feeling very much like he doesn’t have my back and I wish he would.
He has been in ongoing treatment for depression, and it was not even a week ago that his uncle committed suicide. In fact, the 5:00 Mass yesterday was offered for his uncle. There is so much more bubbling under the surface than I presented in my original post, and I’m feeling a little guilty about that. I don’t want it to be a conversation about how bad my husband is. (I know that nobody is saying that, but I needed to say that myself.
)I suppose I don’t know what I wanted by posting my feelings. Maybe just to put them out there and feel a little validation.
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Mary_Estelle
Guest
A drunk is a drunk is a drunk. It is what drunks do-stupid and gross deeds and verbal mistakes. My concern is that he is trying to justify his actions and behavior and that of his cronies. I venture to guess that he has been drunk before, but perhaps not in this extreme. I am thinking that he needs a new group of friends. Also, if you have these texts I would take them to your priest-without naming names, but giving an account of what the Men’s Club has done or doing. A good parish priest might just toss them to the curb because this not what they are supposed to be doing or the way the church wants to be represented. I will also surmise that this has been before and may be a pattern with these men. Thank God that one man had the Christian sense of penance to come to you and apologize. Will pray for you.
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asia53
Guest
Awww, Ophelia, we’ve got your back. Validation helps keep the balance, so come for validation anytime.
Do what you think is best. I’ve always enjoyed your posts, you’ve got good sense, and a kind heart.
:hug3:
Do what you think is best. I’ve always enjoyed your posts, you’ve got good sense, and a kind heart.
:hug3:
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nana3
Guest
Despite what we may think, the OP has asked that this not be about her husband. She will work things out as she mentioned. Let us pray for them and her marriage. Let us pray for those men who thought this was funny. The rest is up to the OP. That’s my opinion.
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kptrs
Guest
Prayers for you and your familyI have to say first and foremost, everybody in the men’s club who was drinking also lives within a three block radius of the church. No drunk driving was involved here. And I also feel like I need to say, my husband rarely drinks. It’s not a common thing at all. Second, I did see the suggestion to leave the parish but I am no where near considering it. I love our parish so much. I am a cantor and the funeral musician/accompanist, I run the youth group, my daughter attends the school…we are invested, and it is my home. My family, and my home.
With all of that said, I’ve tried to have a conversation with my husband about it. He has apologized, but he also says that I am over-reacting. And each time he says that, the more I feel disrespected. He got very, very upset when I mentioned possibly talking to Father about it. He says it is unfair to punish everybody for his stupid move. He initiated it. But everybody got a laugh out of it—at my expense. And when I have tried to talk to him about some kind of consequence to the Men’s Club, he got SO angry and yelled at me about being high and mighty.
I know this will be resolved between us. But for now, I’m feeling very much like he doesn’t have my back and I wish he would.
He has been in ongoing treatment for depression, and it was not even a week ago that his uncle committed suicide. In fact, the 5:00 Mass yesterday was offered for his uncle. There is so much more bubbling under the surface than I presented in my original post, and I’m feeling a little guilty about that. I don’t want it to be a conversation about how bad my husband is. (I know that nobody is saying that, but I needed to say that myself.
I suppose I don’t know what I wanted by posting my feelings. Maybe just to put them out there and feel a little validation.
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kptrs
Guest
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Xantippe
Guest
This is very hard with your husband having issues with depression and his uncle’s suicide.I have to say first and foremost, everybody in the men’s club who was drinking also lives within a three block radius of the church. No drunk driving was involved here. And I also feel like I need to say, my husband rarely drinks. It’s not a common thing at all. Second, I did see the suggestion to leave the parish but I am no where near considering it. I love our parish so much. I am a cantor and the funeral musician/accompanist, I run the youth group, my daughter attends the school…we are invested, and it is my home. My family, and my home.
With all of that said, I’ve tried to have a conversation with my husband about it. He has apologized, but he also says that I am over-reacting. And each time he says that, the more I feel disrespected. He got very, very upset when I mentioned possibly talking to Father about it. He says it is unfair to punish everybody for his stupid move. He initiated it. But everybody got a laugh out of it—at my expense. And when I have tried to talk to him about some kind of consequence to the Men’s Club, he got SO angry and yelled at me about being high and mighty.
I know this will be resolved between us. But for now, I’m feeling very much like he doesn’t have my back and I wish he would.
He has been in ongoing treatment for depression, and it was not even a week ago that his uncle committed suicide. In fact, the 5:00 Mass yesterday was offered for his uncle. There is so much more bubbling under the surface than I presented in my original post, and I’m feeling a little guilty about that. I don’t want it to be a conversation about how bad my husband is. (I know that nobody is saying that, but I needed to say that myself.
I suppose I don’t know what I wanted by posting my feelings. Maybe just to put them out there and feel a little validation.
Maybe just plan to meet your pastor (with your husband if he’ll come, without him if he won’t) and talk about your feelings. You don’t need to name anybody but your husband. He’s right that it is his fault–without his cooperation none of this could have happened.
You can ask your pastor, how can I move forward? And what is a reasonable way to deal with this?
If your husband balks, tell him that you’re not punishing him, but you’re worried about this and you can’t deal with it alone.
This by itself is not (if it were a one-off) a big deal, but it sounds like your husband needs some more support and accountability in his life, and his men’s club (which sounds a lot like the KofC) is not providing that for him.
Best wishes!
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Bonnie
Guest
If this happened to me, I would definitely talk to the priest. These “men” are Catholic and part of a Catholic mens’ group - I hope not K of C. The priest needs to know what is going on within this group.
Ophelia - I’m with you - I’d feel disrespected, too. And VERY angry!
Ophelia - I’m with you - I’d feel disrespected, too. And VERY angry!
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Allegra
Guest
If my husband did this and offered me any apology that included the word “but”, I would be so livid. His behavior was absolutely unacceptable, and you are NOT overreacting. If he doesn’t get that, he needs to go to see a priest himself and have it explained to him by another man. This “mens’ group” doesn’t seem very manly to me. Your husband is out of line getting angry at you for wanting to bring their repulsive behavior to the attention of the pastor.
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Allegra
Guest
By the way, your husband is wrong. This incident wasn’t one man’s “stupid mistake”. There were several men involved and a group of men encouraging it. They acted as a group and they owe an apology as a group and they need to be informed as a group that sexual harassment will not be tolerated in parish groups or activities.
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Denise1957
Guest
Sorry to hear that your husband suffers from depression. I hadn’t realized that in my last post on this thread, and I was a bit too hasty in my judgment. I can see how it might really upset him if you talk to the priest about it, in that it will reflect badly on him, possibly, in the eyes of the priest. At least he said he was sorry. Maybe he’s just not in a good place right now to have your back, or to deal with the stress of the situation. I’ll offer prayers for him today.I have to say first and foremost, everybody in the men’s club who was drinking also lives within a three block radius of the church. No drunk driving was involved here. And I also feel like I need to say, my husband rarely drinks. It’s not a common thing at all. Second, I did see the suggestion to leave the parish but I am no where near considering it. I love our parish so much. I am a cantor and the funeral musician/accompanist, I run the youth group, my daughter attends the school…we are invested, and it is my home. My family, and my home.
With all of that said, I’ve tried to have a conversation with my husband about it. He has apologized, but he also says that I am over-reacting. And each time he says that, the more I feel disrespected. He got very, very upset when I mentioned possibly talking to Father about it. He says it is unfair to punish everybody for his stupid move. He initiated it. But everybody got a laugh out of it—at my expense. And when I have tried to talk to him about some kind of consequence to the Men’s Club, he got SO angry and yelled at me about being high and mighty.
I know this will be resolved between us. But for now, I’m feeling very much like he doesn’t have my back and I wish he would.
He has been in ongoing treatment for depression, and it was not even a week ago that his uncle committed suicide. In fact, the 5:00 Mass yesterday was offered for his uncle. There is so much more bubbling under the surface than I presented in my original post, and I’m feeling a little guilty about that. I don’t want it to be a conversation about how bad my husband is. (I know that nobody is saying that, but I needed to say that myself.
I suppose I don’t know what I wanted by posting my feelings. Maybe just to put them out there and feel a little validation.
X
Xantippe
Guest
Come to think of it, if he has depression, isn’t alcohol a no-no?
webmd.com/depression/guide/alcohol-and-depresssion
webmd.com/depression/guide/alcohol-and-depresssion
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underacloud
Guest
Ophelia23, I’m sorry this happened to you and you have every right to be angry about it. Your husband’s behaviour is inexcusable. As is that of the other men.
However, on just one particular aspect of this, may I play devil’s advocate for a moment? How many times must your husband apologise? You say he apologised for this, but it seems you want him to keep saying sorry. How many times? When is it enough?
He certainly owed you a profound appology. And he certainly owes it to you to make it up, as much as it is possible. But we must all be wary of holding things against people after they have apologised to us…along the lines of “as we forgive those who sin against us”.
If people are made to apologise more than once for something, the initial “sorry” tends to turn into a “sorry, but…” On the other hand, if his initial apology was a “sorry, but…” apology, then I understand why it left you unsatisfied.
However, on just one particular aspect of this, may I play devil’s advocate for a moment? How many times must your husband apologise? You say he apologised for this, but it seems you want him to keep saying sorry. How many times? When is it enough?
He certainly owed you a profound appology. And he certainly owes it to you to make it up, as much as it is possible. But we must all be wary of holding things against people after they have apologised to us…along the lines of “as we forgive those who sin against us”.
If people are made to apologise more than once for something, the initial “sorry” tends to turn into a “sorry, but…” On the other hand, if his initial apology was a “sorry, but…” apology, then I understand why it left you unsatisfied.
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WillyAL
Guest
In the interest of full disclosure, I am a non-Catholic married to a cradle Catholic. I attend Mass with my wife every Sunday and often participate in parish activities. With that out of the way…
Regarding some of the (in my opinion) questionable advice you’ve received:
Banish Hubby to the sofa - This will accomplish nothing except to increase the distance between you and aggregate an already stressful situation. Especially if Hubby is dealing with other, serious emotional issues. It might seem to him that you are just piling on.
Call the wives of the other offenders - It is REALLY not your place to cause trouble for other marriages. As someone above already suggested, just let those marriages follow their natural courses. Besides, those other wives already know they’re married to frat boys. They probably won’t appreciate you throwing in their faces.
Inform the pastor - Really? Tattle on them to an authority figure?
Call the police - Get real. Even if this situation did involved drunk driving, it is now way after the fact. Harassment? Calling a few suggestive texts from your own husband’s phone harassment is an insult to woman who have suffered real harassment.
Again, I understand that you were the subject of some very immature humor. You have every right to be irritated. But you’ve expressed your displeasure to your husband and he has apologized. There is nothing to be gained by holding onto a boat-load of anger. Take one for the team, let it go, and hope Hubby does the same for you when you (inevitably) step in it some day.
You are certainly entitled to a rant. You were the subject of some rather crude, juvenile humor. I’d be irritated too. However, contrary to most of the advice you’ve received so far, I think it’s time to let it go. You’ve told your husband how you feel. He’s acknowledged his bad behavior and apologized. Yes, you disagree on how serious an “infraction” this was, but you and Hubby DO agree it was not an appropriate way to behave. He is probably mortified at his behavior and is looking for a graceful way to leave it in the past. My advice is to let him.
Regarding some of the (in my opinion) questionable advice you’ve received:
Banish Hubby to the sofa - This will accomplish nothing except to increase the distance between you and aggregate an already stressful situation. Especially if Hubby is dealing with other, serious emotional issues. It might seem to him that you are just piling on.
Call the wives of the other offenders - It is REALLY not your place to cause trouble for other marriages. As someone above already suggested, just let those marriages follow their natural courses. Besides, those other wives already know they’re married to frat boys. They probably won’t appreciate you throwing in their faces.
Inform the pastor - Really? Tattle on them to an authority figure?
Call the police - Get real. Even if this situation did involved drunk driving, it is now way after the fact. Harassment? Calling a few suggestive texts from your own husband’s phone harassment is an insult to woman who have suffered real harassment.
Again, I understand that you were the subject of some very immature humor. You have every right to be irritated. But you’ve expressed your displeasure to your husband and he has apologized. There is nothing to be gained by holding onto a boat-load of anger. Take one for the team, let it go, and hope Hubby does the same for you when you (inevitably) step in it some day.
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kptrs
Guest
From what I understand, it sounds like the initial apology was an “I’m sorry but you are over-reacting.” Could be wrong, but that’s what I gather from the posts.
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Linusthe2nd
Guest
Sounds like a bunch of highschool kids rather than adults. Why not bring this up with the Pastor and ask him to have a little talk to the " men. ? "More than anything, this is just a rant.
Yesterday evening, my husband was volunteering for our Church’s spring festival by helping out with bingo. Other guys from the Men’s Club were helping, too. He said he would be home around 10-10:30. He wasn’t home at that time, but I didn’t worry–I just went to bed on my own. I’ve got small kids. Mornings come very early.
Around 11:30, I got a hugely suggestive text from him. Several texts, actually. Saying things like, when he gets home I’d better run, that he’s ready to go and I need to be ready and waiting, and that he’s going to make me scream and sing. I got the feeling it wasn’t him because he just… it didn’t seem like him. Turns out, another man from men’s club was texting me as my husband. I was not happy about this. When he got home, he was so incredibly drunk. I told him what had happened and how it made me feel, and he laughed. I went from being irritated to being downright angry. He said that the other guy just took his phone and was having fun. I think it’s gross that anybody other than my husband put me in that context. I’m irritated that it got me out of bed for foolery. Well…
Today I went with our kids up to the spring festival so they could play the games. No lie, 5 different men from Men’s Club came up to me at different times this afternoon and said things like, “So, how’d you like those texts??” One actually came up to me and said that he thinks I’m owed an apology. But the fact is, ALL of the men knew what had happened. And what’s even worse, they told me how it happened. My husband OFFERED for them to do it. He gave over his phone declaring “Who wants to text my wife??”
I’m livid. I’m embarrassed. I’m… if I go by the reactions of the men from the club, I’m overreacting. But I don’t appreciate being teh subject of a dirty joke. Poke fun at me all you want, and I can take it AND dish it. But bedroom jokes? Offering for other men to try to make me blush? I feel dirty. Yucky. And while my husband has apologized, after all of the men coming up to me today I feel like I want a whole additional apology on top of it!
I’ve been praying the Rosary a lot more lately, and I happen to be in the middle of a novena for grace. I’m trying to handle the whole situation at church gracefully, but I honestly and genuinely feel disgraced and embarrassed.
Linus2nd
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Neal76
Guest
Having closely read your original and subsequent posts, I have to inform you that your husband is a sex offender with serious substance abuse problems. As both of these conditions are deep seated and were well hidden during your courtship, I suggest you divorce him immediately so that you can get an annulment, which, as I understand from reading this forum, is what Jesus would do.
Either that, or he’s a decent husband and father who got drunk and did something stupid. That was actually my first guess, but since it’s never once happened in all of human history, I thought it was too unlikely to propose.
You can thank me later for this excellent advice.
Either that, or he’s a decent husband and father who got drunk and did something stupid. That was actually my first guess, but since it’s never once happened in all of human history, I thought it was too unlikely to propose.
You can thank me later for this excellent advice.
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