I am embarrassed, and I am angry

[pianistclare]

The point is, we’re not in her shoes.

He has employment issues.
He has drinking issues.
He has maturity issues.

Ophelia appears to have left the thread.
She knows he did wrong. She is already heartbroken over it.
She should call the priest and they both should sit down with him.

And we should just pray for Ophelia and her marriage.
Dear Saints Anna & Joachim; pray for all married couples.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Question to those of you who don’t think the OP should tell the wives:

If your husband was cheating on you, had no remorse, and was continuing the affair, would you want to know?

What about if it was a strictly emotional affair, and not a physical one?

What about if your husband was sexually harassing a woman at work?

If my husband did any of those things and persisted in them, I’d darn well want to know. A one-off thing that he repented of and did his best to make amends without telling me? Assuming that STDs weren’t a possibility, I would probably not want to know. However, these guys have shown no inclination to knock it off, and seem to intend continuing to harass the OP. She shouldn’t have to put up with that.

I would also add that if my husband was sexually harassing a woman from church, I’d be ragingly furious with him. (Can’t imagine him doing so, mind you, but assuming he did…) This would, however, be NOTHING on how I’d feel if the first I heard about it was when the parish priest called me in for a meeting about it. Suffice to say that DH would probably need to move continents in order to feel safe…and then he’d still be looking over his shoulder.

Likewise, if DH was openly cheating on me with another woman and I didn’t know it but someone at church did, I’d be pretty darn angry if that person didn’t tell me. In this case, the wives are not only unaware, and their husbands aren’t just engaging in sexual dialogue with another woman; they’re doing so when it’s not even consensual on both parts, and they won’t stop when they’ve been told to. I love my husband. That wouldn’t excuse this kind of behavior for a second.

 

[bitterhope]

They have no power to tell their husbands that this is offensive to the women of the parish generally? They have no power to urge their husbands to apologize? They have no power to insist that the men’s group deal with this? Why should the simple hope for a recognition that this should absolutely NOT be repeated be something to put her through “hard times”? I am sorry, I am really not following that line of thought.

Let us say that the scenario played out a little differently. Let us say that she caught on immediately that this was not from her husband, but decided to have a little “fun” of her own. She went along with the pranksters and texted back in kind, just enough so that the men in the group could not be sure she knew it was her husband or not. At the picnic the next day, it is you who are being told what a great joke this all was and how your husband was one of the ones egging it all on. Do you still have a hands-off attitude? You think that whatever happens, the main thing is that you be kept in the dark about it?

I’m not advocating for anyone to fly off of the handle. I am only saying that she’s made it clear that she did not welcome this and those who did it to her are not apologizing but accusing her of being a bad sport. She has let them know directly that this was offensive, and they’re doubling down! Besides, even if it did not bother her at all and even if she liked it, it was a violation against chastity perpetrated by a Catholic men’s group as cheap entertainment. How is it that the spouses of those directly involved in this are not also involved? How is it that they have no place to insist that these guys owe apologies not just to the woman they made this lewd joke at directly, but owe apologies to their own wives, too?

I give up.

I have no power to make my husband behave just as he has no power to make me behave. Do you really think that if these men were respectful of their wife’s opinions they would have gotten into this situation to begin with? What are the wives supposed to do? I’m not nearly as nice as the OP. If this had happened to me I would have dealt very differently and when those men came to me at the picnic I would have given them a piece of my mind. I do not need my husband to stand up for me. I can do that myself and I would have immediately. No need to involve their wives but yes, I would talk to the priest. I am not a doormat and I will not allow anyone to treat me like I am, but I am not about to go tattling on everyone that hurts me either. I will deal with the situation as best I can and through the proper channels to insure it’s taken care of once and for all. I respect their wives even if these men don’t. I realize they are not to blame and they have their own issues to deal with and it does no good to cause more work for them. Especially when it’s a situation they have no authority over themselves. That is just spiteful and unnecessary. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me, but there is no need to try to belittle me for it. That is also uncalled for.

 

[underacloud]

Question to those of you who don’t think the OP should tell the wives:

If your husband was cheating on you, had no remorse, and was continuing the affair, would you want to know?

What about if it was a strictly emotional affair, and not a physical one?

What about if your husband was sexually harassing a woman at work?

Those are all terrible things…and none of them at all like the situation in this thread.

However, these guys have shown no inclination to knock it off, and seem to intend continuing to harass the OP. She shouldn’t have to put up with that.

The OP has not said that the harassment has continued. She in fact indicated that the other men were surprised by her reaction and explained the situation to her (that her husband handed over the phone and encouraged them). And that seems to be the end of it.

Anyway, if I found out that my wife was involved with a group of girls sending suggestive texts to one of the girl’s husbands, on the wife’s behalf, I’d find it immature, but hardly worthy of my concern. And if the husband was offended, I’d suggest his wife should have known better and she should be the one to take on responsibility for it.

 

[bitterhope]

Question to those of you who don’t think the OP should tell the wives:

If your husband was cheating on you, had no remorse, and was continuing the affair, would you want to know?

What about if it was a strictly emotional affair, and not a physical one?

What about if your husband was sexually harassing a woman at work?

If my husband did any of those things and persisted in them, I’d darn well want to know. A one-off thing that he repented of and did his best to make amends without telling me? Assuming that STDs weren’t a possibility, I would probably not want to know. However, these guys have shown no inclination to knock it off, and seem to intend continuing to harass the OP. She shouldn’t have to put up with that.

I would also add that if my husband was sexually harassing a woman from church, I’d be ragingly furious with him. (Can’t imagine him doing so, mind you, but assuming he did…) This would, however, be NOTHING on how I’d feel if the first I heard about it was when the parish priest called me in for a meeting about it. Suffice to say that DH would probably need to move continents in order to feel safe…and then he’d still be looking over his shoulder.

Likewise, if DH was openly cheating on me with another woman and I didn’t know it but someone at church did, I’d be pretty darn angry if that person didn’t tell me. In this case, the wives are not only unaware, and their husbands aren’t just engaging in sexual dialogue with another woman; they’re doing so when it’s not even consensual on both parts, and they won’t stop when they’ve been told to. I love my husband. That wouldn’t excuse this kind of behavior for a second.

No, I would not want someone coming to tell me something like that unless it was an authority figure and action was being taken. What good would it do? Especially if there is no proof–as is the case that the texts came from HER HUSBAND’S PHONE. What good does it do to pass on hurtful information without any plan for action?

 

[UbiCaritas]

Those are all terrible things…and none of them at all like the situation in this thread.

The OP has not said that the harassment has continued. She in fact indicated that the other men were surprised by her reaction and explained the situation to her (that her husband handed over the phone and encouraged them). And that seems to be the end of it.

Anyway, if I found out that my wife was involved with a group of girls sending suggestive texts to one of the girl’s husbands, on the wife’s behalf, I’d find it immature, but hardly worthy of my concern. And if the husband was offended, I’d suggest his wife should have known better and she should be the one to take on responsibility for it.

My point was to ask what, exactly, the boundary is for bad sexual behavior as far as whether a wife should be informed. My last example–sexual harassment at work–is exactly like this situation except that it’s at church. It’s sexual harassment, plain and simple, and at a place where she has a more than reasonable expectation to feel safe.

I only just remembered this, but come to think of it, the OP mentioned that she directs the funeral music at the church, so she is almost certainly an employee. In fact, in that light she needs to let the priest know what happened ASAP, because he, his church, and the diocese could be liable for that kind of behavior. I realize she’s very unlikely to sue–and good luck making it stick given the cell phone situation–but if they treated her like this, she’s probably not the first.

While the situation you describe is disgusting, it doesn’t have the overtones that men texting a woman do. Most men are physically bigger and stronger than most women. Men can be raped, sure, but it’s less common than men raping women. And if anyone ever did that via my husband’s phone, I’d never feel safe around them again, especially given that they know where I live. Are these guys rapists? Almost certainly not! “Almost certainly not,” though, doesn’t really compute in that hindbrain area that deals with personal safety…and it shouldn’t. The closest I can describe it is to imagine that you’re about 5’2" with limited or no muscle mass, and five guys at church, all of whom are over 6’ and spend all their free time working out, sent you some pretty suggestive text messages while pretending to be your wife. Then they come up to you at coffee and donuts and rub your nose in it publicly, essentially asking what you’re going to do about it. Would you feel physically uncomfortable, in addition to grossed out? That’s how women who are sexually harassed feel.

 

[Allegra]

Question to those of you who don’t think the OP should tell the wives:

If your husband was cheating on you, had no remorse, and was continuing the affair, would you want to know?

What about if it was a strictly emotional affair, and not a physical one?

What about if your husband was sexually harassing a woman at work?

If my husband did any of those things and persisted in them, I’d darn well want to know. A one-off thing that he repented of and did his best to make amends without telling me? Assuming that STDs weren’t a possibility, I would probably not want to know. However, these guys have shown no inclination to knock it off, and seem to intend continuing to harass the OP. She shouldn’t have to put up with that.

I would also add that if my husband was sexually harassing a woman from church, I’d be ragingly furious with him. (Can’t imagine him doing so, mind you, but assuming he did…) This would, however, be NOTHING on how I’d feel if the first I heard about it was when the parish priest called me in for a meeting about it. Suffice to say that DH would probably need to move continents in order to feel safe…and then he’d still be looking over his shoulder.

Likewise, if DH was openly cheating on me with another woman and I didn’t know it but someone at church did, I’d be pretty darn angry if that person didn’t tell me. In this case, the wives are not only unaware, and their husbands aren’t just engaging in sexual dialogue with another woman; they’re doing so when it’s not even consensual on both parts, and they won’t stop when they’ve been told to. I love my husband. That wouldn’t excuse this kind of behavior for a second.

All of those situations are different from this one in that the husbands in this case are not directly hurting their wives (other than causing them extreme embarrassment if what they’ve done gets around.) If a husband is cheating on his wife, he is possibly exposing her to STDs, endangering their marriage, etc. She needs to know that information in order to protect herself. Even in the case of the husband harassing women at work, they could be sued and lose their home. The worst thing that going to happen in this case is the priest may disband the men’s group. Most likely, they will just be told to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

 

[UbiCaritas]

No, I would not want someone coming to tell me something like that unless it was an authority figure and action was being taken. What good would it do? Especially if there is no proof–as is the case that the texts came from HER HUSBAND’S PHONE. What good does it do to pass on hurtful information without any plan for action?

You wouldn’t want to know if your husband was sexually harassing someone?

I would. If my husband didn’t have appropriate boundaries in that area of his sexuality, I’d worry about what other sexual boundaries he found difficult to respect.

If my husband were sexually harassing someone, I’d want to know. Period. I agree that the priest should be involved, and in retrospect, I can see some pluses in having in involved in telling them in the first place, but a wife has the right to know, if only to protect herself and their kids’ friends. If a guy is willing to sexually harass a married woman via text, what’s to say he wouldn’t do so with the late-teenage babysitter?

 

[hydin]

How about a Catholic guy opinion…

I see you have gotten support from the above posts for being outraged. I do not in anyway condone this behavior from your husband. There is NO EXCUSE for allowing one’s spouse to be subjected to ridicule… So both of you have acted in an unloving way toward your spouse.

I ask a question based on much experience with troubled marriages (mine included). Do not answer the question here - just in your mind… Normally when a man does something like this it is passive aggressive behavior that is targeted at something else, some issue that he chose to let make him feel disrespected (I said let him, he chose to feel that way…no one can make anyone feel anything… we must choose to feel), a recent argument or maybe comments about his going out or drinking? What was in your husband’s mind that the alcohol gave life to that never would have come out if sober? I am simple asking and not saying you are at fault at all. He could be making it all up in his head. Normally a happy husband would never think about exposing his wife to this behavior… NO good could come of it… we men are not that smart but when it comes to volunteering to end a wonderful relationship that will cost (as the above posters suggested - and is not in keeping with any Catholic teaching - it is of the world, and not a successful one…) him “in the bedroom”. Please take this in the spirit it is written.

Will good come in posting this issue here? Can it? If you get ideas that may well prove your power to punish him and try them out… what will he do to top your behavior? I am not suggesting you did anything wrong… yet. Next time he comes home drunk do not confront him about anything… if you confront a drunk, a drunk answers.

Imagine the next morning you had slid next to him on the couch and cuddled while saying exactly how you felt getting those texts. Softly, in a controlled manner no one could react to you, detail how it made you feel, I felt … (NOT It made me feel - that is a lie… no one can make you feel anything. if you doubt this think of a time someone you truly didn’t know said something horrible… no harm was cause… you chose to not react and forget it) Go deeper than normal. Honey, our physical relationship is special to me…explain how you feel. All “I” statements… never a you… I feel, I felt, I don’t understand. I = he can’t get defensive… trust me it will cut him to the core… and cause him to feel how you would want him to feel… remorseful, wanting forgiveness, rather than giving him (or me or any guy… ladies) a target for anger… you always accuse me… you are over reacting… you can’t be overreacting to your true feelings… they are yours alone… tell him that if he tries. “It makes sense that you see this as an overreaction but it is how it really makes me feel” What he feels makes no difference…

Never tell others (why go to strangers at all?) of your marriage struggles. The only reason we do that is to get support for our side. We never tell the exact truth. If itis our truth, not the real truth. We can’t see what the real truth is. Usually it is somewhere in the middle of our truth and their truth. Go to a Priest, or a professional. Of course never ever share with someone who is divorced. They will encourage you to leave him. so they feel just in divorcing their spouse. Filing for Divorce is a sin for selfish reasons. Canon Law provides detailed procedures how to handle abuse and financial danger. Most divorces are not based on abuse or financial risk. I love you but am not in love with you is not a reason for a Catholic to divorce. God asks us to love our enemies… love is a verb, not a feeling. Divorcing due to unhappiness is saying "sorry God, I do not believe your Grace can get us through this. I am fixing it myself, I know better (sin) Pray, trust God. Share your heart without filter with your husband in a gentle way (after the alcohol has worn off). Turn the other cheek - it is much harder to do than react and punish as listed above. but do not forget or allow repeated violations of your marriage. Stand up for yourself always, as quickly as possible, from the heart, using phrases like “I feel” rather than you make me feel… no use of the word you… it is about you, your hurt, your expectations, explain how those things are impacted. “I feel unloved when. I feel unsure. I feel sad, I feel lonely, unheard, like property.” I I I

sorry for the long response. You will be in my prayers. Be honest with yourself about what was happening before this, if anything and resolve that too.

Just one guy’s opinion, after listening to countless men and women share and watching as more “truth” gets revealed… after being the guy who had the truth pulled from him… too many times to be ignored… even by me. Alturtle.com is a wonderful relationship site… totally free, unless you want to hear Al’s voice on a mp3 for 2 bucks… which you will hear his voice as you read… Everyone makes sense all the time… TRUE, to themselves… to tell them they don’t make sense is an insult… a put down.

 

[truetofaith]

Or else what? Why is there a mulligan, when he’s accusing her of being too sensitive, too “high and mighty,” and all the rest? What “lesson”? The lesson that if he gets defensive and yells at me for refusing to accept unacceptable behavior, I’ll just back down and pretend that backing down is what a “good sport” does? Expect that lesson to come back around in a remedial course. Repeat, repeat, repeat, until this mysterious “what else” kicks in, whatever that is.

In her shoes, I wouldn’t feel as if he’d learned a thing. He’d just showed me that when it comes to a choice between my feelings and impressing someone else, impressing someone else wins. He wants me to back down and stuff my feelings so that he doesn’t have to actually do anything to make up for the damage he caused. Oh, and I “learned” it is OK with him when his friends amuse themselves by texting lewd things in my direction, posing as him in the hopes of a little thrill. Sorry, I don’t trust him and I don’t trust those jerks in the men’s group, either. That would violate common sense. If they were sorry, they’d act sorry. They don’t. They aren’t.

Oh, well. I said I give up, so I’ll give up. It is an understatement to say I’m disappointed with this thread, though.

If her husband has any sense at all…he would see how upset this incident made his wife. She must tell him that if anything like this happens again, she will go to the pastor & tell him how the “men’s group” conducts themselves.
But, for the present, she will drop the issue and give them all a chance to grow up!

 

[bitterhope]

What happened was wrong but I really think people are being very dramatic here. Stupid immature boys and rapist are very different things. Her husband says he was the instigator. Why should everybody else be viewed as rapists or even potential rapists? Why do wives think they need to know every misdeed of their husbands? Do the husbands think they need to watch their wives 24/7? To me, that’s a creepy thought and no one would stand for a man thinking they need to babysit their wives, but for whatever reason it seems ok for women to feel that way about their husbands. Comparing this situation to emotional affairs, potential rape, STD’s, etc. is ridiculous.

 

[underacloud]

My point was to ask what, exactly, the boundary is for bad sexual behavior as far as whether a wife should be informed. My last example–sexual harassment at work–is exactly like this situation except that it’s at church. It’s sexual harassment, plain and simple, and at a place where she has a more than reasonable expectation to feel safe.

Well no, it is different.

Why? Because it was (ostensibly at least) the husband “sexually harassing” his own wife. The other men felt they were joining in on some “fun” interplay between husband and wife, not unwanted sexual advances of their own.

And to put it another way, if the OP had found it funny, it’s not sexual harassment at all, is it? And from the perspective of the other men, they assumed that it would be taken in good humour. This is the husband’s fault. The other men acted immaturely, but the husband bears responsibility for the offensiveness of the actions.

 

[bitterhope]

You wouldn’t want to know if your husband was sexually harassing someone?

I would. If my husband didn’t have appropriate boundaries in that area of his sexuality, I’d worry about what other sexual boundaries he found difficult to respect.

If my husband were sexually harassing someone, I’d want to know. Period. I agree that the priest should be involved, and in retrospect, I can see some pluses in having in involved in telling them in the first place, but a wife has the right to know, if only to protect herself and their kids’ friends. If a guy is willing to sexually harass a married woman via text, what’s to say he wouldn’t do so with the late-teenage babysitter?

I would think if your husband truly were the type to harass anyone you would already know that about him and if you were in denial that he is that way then no amount of other people telling you would change your denial. All it would do is make you angry at the messenger They were acting stupid and it was wrong. I do not see how it is harassment from any one of them except her husband. As far as anyone knows he could have made it out as some sort of game the two of them like to play and the other men are as much a victim to this disgusting situation as she is. It could very well be why they came to her at the picnic.

 

[savedbygrace71]

So a man sends a “sext” message to a woman not his wife. It’s crude and graphic enough that she knows it’s not from him. Another one comes (which turns out not to be from the first guy). So there were a few guys altogether sexting Ophelia. Let’s say one of them was the husband of the posters who say the wives don’t need to know. Your husband took another man’s phone, and sent a lewd text message to his wife!

If it was my husband, I’d sure as heck want to know that he texted another woman that she should get ready for sex. Joke? I don’t think so. Impossible? never say never! People can do crazy things when they are drinking, they can be egged on by each other’s behavior. Otherwise relatively normal guys could have done this horrible thing. All the more reason to get Father and the wives to say, What the F guys, look at what you’ve done here!! This is sexually harassing her! I don’t know why so many wives are saying they don’t influence their husband’s behavior. Really? What kind of marriage do you NOT influence one another?? If my DH did something dumb one night drinking, and I had it out with him the next day about life, responsibilities, kids etc, he would remember this. If I did something irresponsible, and he gave me a piece of his mind, I’d learn something from it too.

Praying for Ophelia- and her husband during his time of crisis.

 

[Xantippe]

My point was to ask what, exactly, the boundary is for bad sexual behavior as far as whether a wife should be informed. My last example–sexual harassment at work–is exactly like this situation except that it’s at church. It’s sexual harassment, plain and simple, and at a place where she has a more than reasonable expectation to feel safe.

I only just remembered this, but come to think of it, the OP mentioned that she directs the funeral music at the church, so she is almost certainly an employee. In fact, in that light she needs to let the priest know what happened ASAP, because he, his church, and the diocese could be liable for that kind of behavior. I realize she’s very unlikely to sue–and good luck making it stick given the cell phone situation–but if they treated her like this, she’s probably not the first.

While the situation you describe is disgusting, it doesn’t have the overtones that men texting a woman do. Most men are physically bigger and stronger than most women. Men can be raped, sure, but it’s less common than men raping women. And if anyone ever did that via my husband’s phone, I’d never feel safe around them again, especially given that they know where I live. Are these guys rapists? Almost certainly not! “Almost certainly not,” though, doesn’t really compute in that hindbrain area that deals with personal safety…and it shouldn’t. The closest I can describe it is to imagine that you’re about 5’2" with limited or no muscle mass, and five guys at church, all of whom are over 6’ and spend all their free time working out, sent you some pretty suggestive text messages while pretending to be your wife. Then they come up to you at coffee and donuts and rub your nose in it publicly, essentially asking what you’re going to do about it. Would you feel physically uncomfortable, in addition to grossed out? That’s how women who are sexually harassed feel.

A dimension that hasn’t been discussed (I think) is that given that there were five “buddies” involved, the odds are that at least one of the five is struggling with sexual temptation of some kind and that the OP’s husbands behavior has probably caused a lot of issues for at least one of them (and maybe more). The OP was (and this is very unpleasant to think about) essentially dangling his wife in front of his friends and encouraging them to think about her sexually.

Ewww!

That’s why this is all so gross.

 

[savedbygrace71]

I would think if your husband truly were the type to harass anyone you would already know that about him and if you were in denial that he is that way then no amount of other people telling you would change your denial. All it would do is make you angry at the messenger They were acting stupid and it was wrong. I do not see how it is harassment from any one of them except her husband. As far as anyone knows he could have made it out as some sort of game the two of them like to play and the other men are as much a victim to this disgusting situation as she is. It could very well be why they came to her at the picnic.

Calling one of the other men a victim? For happily and willingly creating a lewd text message to another man’s wife? That’s stretching it. I don’t care what anyone said to me, I would not send a suggestive text to anyone not my husband, from my own phone.

 

[truetofaith]

What happened was wrong but I really think people are being very dramatic here. Stupid immature boys and rapist are very different things. Her husband says he was the instigator. Why should everybody else be viewed as rapists or even potential rapists? Why do wives think they need to know every misdeed of their husbands? Do the husbands think they need to watch their wives 24/7? To me, that’s a creepy thought and no one would stand for a man thinking they need to babysit their wives, but for whatever reason it seems ok for women to feel that way about their husbands. Comparing this situation to emotional affairs, potential rape, STD’s, etc. is ridiculous.

I agree… this whole thing is being blown out of proportion…the husband is not cheating on her, nor are his “friends” trying to do anything with her…this was all initiated by her husband in a drunken moment of so called fun.

Give the guy another chance to mend his ways and if he cannot, then tell the pastor.
If her husband is normal, he should realize what a stupid thing he and his friends did under the influence of alcohol.

 

[Xantippe]

I ask a question based on much experience with troubled marriages (mine included). Do not answer the question here - just in your mind… Normally when a man does something like this it is passive aggressive behavior that is targeted at something else, some issue that he chose to let make him feel disrespected (I said let him, he chose to feel that way…no one can make anyone feel anything… we must choose to feel), a recent argument or maybe comments about his going out or drinking? What was in your husband’s mind that the alcohol gave life to that never would have come out if sober?

**Well, there is such a thing as wife-swapping and swinging. There is also such thing as a fetish for being cuckolded.

It might not be a husband feeling disrespect or anger at all.

I don’t think that those things are very likely, under the circumstances, but if a guy persisted in doing this sort of thing, I would have to assume that the reason he does it is because it gives him gratification.
**

Imagine the next morning you had slid next to him on the couch and cuddled while saying exactly how you felt getting those texts.

Have a look at the OP’s old posts–as other CAFers have noted, she has been very understanding and supportive through a great deal of hardship.

Softly, in a controlled manner no one could react to you, detail how it made you feel, I felt … (NOT It made me feel - that is a lie… no one can make you feel anything. if you doubt this think of a time someone you truly didn’t know said something horrible… no harm was cause… you chose to not react and forget it) Go deeper than normal. Honey, our physical relationship is special to me…explain how you feel. All “I” statements… never a you… I feel, I felt, I don’t understand. I = he can’t get defensive… trust me it will cut him to the core… and cause him to feel how you would want him to feel… remorseful, wanting forgiveness, rather than giving him (or me or any guy… ladies) a target for anger… you always accuse me… you are over reacting… you can’t be overreacting to your true feelings… they are yours alone… tell him that if he tries. “It makes sense that you see this as an overreaction but it is how it really makes me feel” What he feels makes no difference…

That’s not a bad idea.

 

[UbiCaritas]

What happened was wrong but I really think people are being very dramatic here. Stupid immature boys and rapist are very different things. Her husband says he was the instigator. Why should everybody else be viewed as rapists or even potential rapists? Why do wives think they need to know every misdeed of their husbands? Do the husbands think they need to watch their wives 24/7? To me, that’s a creepy thought and no one would stand for a man thinking they need to babysit their wives, but for whatever reason it seems ok for women to feel that way about their husbands. Comparing this situation to emotional affairs, potential rape, STD’s, etc. is ridiculous.

Babysitting my DH? Not at all. He goes out with his friends every so often and has a fun evening out. I don’t call him or text him during that time, and wouldn’t unless there was an emergency here. I don’t ask him about it beyond, “Did you have fun?” and so on. He has never done anything to betray my trust in this area, and if he’s going to stay out later than he thought he would, he calls and confirms that it’s cool with me. Which it always is, I should add. I do the same thing when I’m out with my friends, partly out of courtesy (“I’ll be out with the choir at dinner until about 9 at this restaurant, and then I’m driving this person home,”) and partly from safety (“so I should be home at around 9:45 or 10.”) This way, we each have a general idea of what the other person’s doing and with whom, and there’s someone who’ll be concerned if something happens and we don’t show up within a reasonable timeframe of when we expected.

“Everyone” shouldn’t be viewed as potential rapists. Men who violate one of the most basic sexual boundaries (and believe me, I’m including the OP’s DH in that category) are more likely to violate others–and again, as women, from a safety/brain chemistry aspect, we have to include the safety angle in this. If a guy, with no provocation on your part, texted you and said, “I’m going to come to your house and do X, Y, and Z to you and you’ll like it,” would you want to be in a room alone with him? Even if he later said he was “just joking?” or that I’d taken it too seriously? I certainly wouldn’t.

I wouldn’t hold the wives responsible for their husbands’ behavior in this situation. If one of them went on to sexually harass the 16-year-old babysitter, though…well, if they’d harassed me and I hadn’t told the wife and priest, I’d be partly responsible because I hadn’t done everything reasonably in my power to protect future victims, and if I were the wife, someone had told me about his prior behavior, and I still left him alone with the cute babysitter, then yes, I’d be partly responsible for what happened because the babysitter’s well-being, while she’s in my house, is my responsibility.

 

[Xantippe]

“Everyone” shouldn’t be viewed as potential rapists. Men who violate one of the most basic sexual boundaries (and believe me, I’m including the OP’s DH in that category) are more likely to violate others–and again, as women, from a safety/brain chemistry aspect, we have to include the safety angle in this. If a guy, with no provocation on your part, texted you and said, “I’m going to come to your house and do X, Y, and Z to you and you’ll like it,” would you want to be in a room alone with him? Even if he later said he was “just joking?” or that I’d taken it too seriously? I certainly wouldn’t.

As a smart lady once said, nobody is ever just kidding.

pjmedia.com/lifestyle/2012/07/27/no-one-is-ever-just-kidding/

It never hurts to assume that when somebody says, “I’d like to do X, Y and Z to you” that they want to do X, Y and Z to you.

I would definitely avoid being alone for any length of time with any of these guys ever again (except maybe the one that apologized).