I am the mistress to a married Catholic man, did I doom him to Hell forever?

[MaryT777]

Dear Eliza10,

Hello there miss. I’d like to clarify as much,as I can over the internet, that I’m not wasting anyones time here, and I truly have the sincerest intentions.

I came to this website because I really did want a Catholic perspective. Every time I questioned him about his religion he seemed so adamant about it being the truth. Full disclosure, I am a cradle Catholic but in no way a bible literalist. HE was. The believes absolutely everything the church tells him in doctrine and dogma, so why would he so easily cheat on his wife?

And yes, he’s a new dad, something I don’t think he wanted to be… I think it’s relevant because if anything he should feel closer to his wife. I’m so confused. Part of me feels used but part of me feels like he doesn’t know what, and never will…

It’s shaped my views on marriage for the worst. I’m to blame. I’m awful…but I need to know why this cognitive dissonance? I thought maybe honestly there would be some insane Catholic loophole. (Not to condone the acts.)

Just confused…and tired…

The answer is sin pure and simple. Being a new dad or mom is exhausting. Sin is always enticing, FUN FUN FUN, no tiredness, go home with your wife and be tired. It’s too bad if he didn’t want to be a new dad. Now he is one and he needs to step up to the plate and be a Dad and husband.

He is just fooling you; of course there is no “Catholic loophole” for this behavior. You know that already I believe.

Cut the cord and move on before you become statistic number 2. You have the advantage of all the warning signs he’s bad news but maybe his wife did too. I don’t know.

Mary.

 

[MJJean]

And yes, he’s a new dad, something I don’t think he wanted to be… I think it’s relevant because if anything he should feel closer to his wife. I’m so confused. Part of me feels used but part of me feels like he doesn’t know what, and never will…

It’s shaped my views on marriage for the worst. I’m to blame. I’m awful…but I need to know why this cognitive dissonance? I thought maybe honestly there would be some insane Catholic loophole. (Not to condone the acts.)

Just confused…and tired…

If he didn’t want to be a father he shouldn’t have been having sex with his wife. Everyone over age 10 knows sex makes babies…duh! He was having sex with his wife and he did it knowing full well a baby would be at least a possibility.

Of course he is feeling closer to his wife. They just had a child together. They are bonded for life through their marriage vows and the existence of their baby. Telling you he isn’t close to his wife is right out of the cheater handbook.

You feel like you’re being used because you are! She shares his name and address. She is the mother of his child. She is the one he sleeps next to and wakes up to. She is the one he shares his life with. She’s his wife. You’re his convenient piece on the side and once you stop being convenient and place demands on him he will drop you like a hot potato. If she finds out, he will drop you like a hot potato. If he finds someone “better”, he will drop you like a hot potato. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but there it is.

Even if there was some insane catholic loophole the reality socially and legally is that he is a married man with a brand new baby. You can’t escape that.

It’s not all your fault, you aren’t married and aren’t betraying your wife and child. But you are fooling around with a married man. So, it is both of your fault.

And marriage is wonderful! Don’t let this experience sour you on marriage. End it now. Move on. Date single and available men. Find a mate. Someone who is honest and trustworthy and that will not behave as your affair partner is behaving. Do this for you!

 

[Irishmom2]

ladystardust,

You need to let his wife know about what has been going on. It is your duty to confess and tell his wife what her husband has been doing. She has a right to know. You would want to know if you were her.

While I agree that it is adultery, and it is wrong, I don’t know why you think the OP should be the one to tell the wife. She has already done enough wrong, and enough harm to the marriage. It is time to end it and butt out of this couple’s marriage. That is it. No explaining, or justifying or anything.

As a woman, the last thing I want to do is hear from the other woman about my husband. I would want to hear from my husband because I am married to HIM, not her. Nothing she can say is going to help, only hurt.

 

[EasterJoy]

ladystardust,

This is adultery. Anything you wouldn’t do in front of your spouse is considered adultery. Porn is adultery. Going to strip clubs is adultery. Lap dances are adultery. Kissing, fondling, and caressing another person besides your spouse is adultery. You need to let his wife know about what has been going on. It is your duty to confess and tell his wife what her husband has been doing. She has a right to know. You would want to know if you were her. This is betrayal and lying. It doesn’t matter if they were not married in a Catholic Church. It is still adultery.

P.S. This married guy has a lack of character. He is lacking morals. He is sinning.

I would seek first-hand pastoral advice before blabbering something that cannot be taken back. Sometimes these confessions are a great relief to the guilty and a great devastation to the innocent. Sometimes, no, the wife with a new baby on her lap does not want his wife’s mistress calling her up and giving her the low-down. She does not want to have the voice of the mistress in her head, anywhere. She does not want to know what she looks like. She does not want to have to listen to tears and apologies of someone who ought to find anyone else other than the wife to unload her guilt onto. She does not want reassurances that there was no intercourse, she does not want any of that.

What does the wife want? She just wants the mistress to tell the husband to quit lying to himself and to his family, then to go away, refuse to return that skunk’s calls, and never come back. If the mistress does that, she’ll have done her part.

As for the adultery part, it can be pointed out that none of what the OP described is even chaste behavior between unmarried persons who are courting. It is sexual intimacy. Of course you shouldn’t engage in that with someone else’s spouse, not even on an emotional or mental level.

 

[Irishmom2]

I would seek first-hand pastoral advice before blabbering something that cannot be taken back. Sometimes these confessions are a great relief to the guilty and a great devastation to the innocent. Sometimes, no, the wife with a new baby on her lap does not want his wife’s mistress calling her up and giving her the low-down. She does not want to have the voice of the mistress in her head, anywhere. She does not want to know what she looks like. She does not want to have to listen to tears and apologies of someone who ought to find anyone else other than the wife to unload her guilt onto. She does not want reassurances that there was no intercourse, she does not want any of that
.

Yes, this exactly!

 

[heidi_storage]

OP, why are you coming on the forums asking about the man’s sin? Ask yourself: Are you sinning by doing these things with another man’s wife? I hope you’ll realize that the answer is yes, repent of your sin, and turn away from it.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP, why are you coming on the forums asking about the man’s sin? Ask yourself: Are you sinning by doing these things with another man’s wife? I hope you’ll realize that the answer is yes, repent of your sin, and turn away from it.

I have seen more than one affair continue on because one partner became convinced that the relationship was some kind of a “help” to their partner in crime. After all, a lot of people who are having affairs did not intend to have an affair. They intended to be friends. Then their feelings grew and they overestimated their ability to avoid temptation.

There is a story that hunters used to catch live monkeys by putting little treats into coconuts that had holes big enough for the monkey’s empty fist to go into, but not big enough for the monkey to withdraw his paw with the treat clutched in it. When a monkey was too foolish to let go of his prize in order to get away, he was caught. The coconut hanging on his paw made it impossible for him to escape into the trees. A person who falls into an illicit affair with a friend is in the same situation. The friendship has to be sacrificed so that the affair can be ended.

It has been noted by psychologists, BTW, that people without a conscience will very often use a bid for pity to manipulate the people around them. As one researcher put it, “The pity of a good person is carte blanche.” Lots of otherwise ethical people get sucked into all sorts of situations where they believe they are helping someone. The problem is that the person doesn’t deserve their help and should not get it, because the “help” is not help but just an example of exploitation. Sometimes, they are sucked into believing that they are *uniquely qualified *to offer this help–that no one else “understands” so well or “cares” so much. Oh, yes, manipulators know how to lay on the flattery!! The truth is that the manipulator has no one else so uniquely blinded to his or her game. Others, because they are vulnerable to manipulation, are the very last ones who could ever “help” a manipulator. The last thing a manipulator is going to stand for is to have their “mark” influence them.

Manipulators who do not get that way because an addiction ruined their character very rarely rehabilitate. They don’t see a reason to do it, so their prognosis is very bad. An addict who quits using and turns back to a life that includes real empathy, that can be a different situation, but someone who only thinks of himself even when he isn’t under the influence of an addictive substance is probably going to keep thinking of only himself. He may pretend empathy, but his insistence on meeting his own needs first will eventually expose him, if those around him can’t be talked into excusing his deceits as “mistakes.” Under no circumstances should someone* he believes he can manipulate* ever stick around to “help” a manipulator! Do not walk away–run!! Run and don’t look back!

 

[Allegra]

You need to let his wife know about what has been going on. It is your duty to confess and tell his wife what her husband has been doing. She has a right to know. You would want to know if you were her.
.

I was with until here. This is a terrible idea. I would not every want to hear from my husband’s mistress. Yikes!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I was with until here. This is a terrible idea. I would not every want to hear from my husband’s mistress. Yikes!

Yeah, hearing from my husband’s mistress would just end up me beating on her or if over the phone verbally beating in her. Lol:blush:

Honestly, I wouldn’t want to know about an affair. Just end it and go to confession. I freaked out and cried for days about a strip club visit, I would totally lose it over an affair.

 

[MaryT777]

Yeah, hearing from my husband’s mistress would just end up me beating on her or if over the phone verbally beating in her. Lol:blush:

Honestly, I wouldn’t want to know about an affair. Just end it and go to confession. I freaked out and cried for days about a strip club visit, I would totally lose it over an affair.

Amen. Kendra, I really appreciate your to the point honest posts!~
Always great advice.
Mary.

 

[Allegra]

Yeah, hearing from my husband’s mistress would just end up me beating on her or if over the phone verbally beating in her. Lol:blush:

Honestly, I wouldn’t want to know about an affair. Just end it and go to confession. I freaked out and cried for days about a strip club visit, I would totally lose it over an affair.

I would want to know, but NOT from the woman!

 

[pensmama87]

I would want to know, but NOT from the woman!

I used to think I’d want to know. Now I’m not so sure.

If it was ongoing, yeah, I think I’d want to know. But if it had happened and was over and done with and it wasn’t going to happen again, no thanks, not going there. I worry I’d do more to damage the marriage by knowing than my husband would have by straying.

 

[Kephart]

A few months ago I began going for late night cocktails with a married man, and a new father, in fact.

If you are worried about this man’s soul, why aren’t you worried about yours? Adultery takes two consenting people. Why aren’t you worried about what this will do to his wife? His child? His family?

He seems content with these amorous exchanges, and promises me that because he is only married through the state and not the church yet, it is really not yet adultery.

There are only two choices here: either he’s a bald faced liar or totally ignorant of Catholic teaching.

In every other sense of his life he is a Catholic man.

No, he’s not. That’s like saying that someone commits Armed Robbery every weekend, but in every other sense of his life he is a Catholic Man.

What is the Catholic perspective on this?

**The Catholic perspective is that both of you are committing grave sins that put both of your souls in jeopardy. You are participating in the destruction of a family. Why doesn’t that bother you? WHY?!?!? **

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Amen. Kendra, I really appreciate your to the point honest posts!~
Always great advice.
Mary.

Awww thanks!

 

[truetofaith]

ladystardust,

This is adultery. Anything you wouldn’t do in front of your spouse is considered adultery. Porn is adultery. Going to strip clubs is adultery. Lap dances are adultery. Kissing, fondling, and caressing another person besides your spouse is adultery. You need to let his wife know about what has been going on. It is your duty to confess and tell his wife what her husband has been doing. She has a right to know. You would want to know if you were her. This is betrayal and lying. It doesn’t matter if they were not married in a Catholic Church. It is still adultery.

P.S. This married guy has a lack of character. He is lacking morals. He is sinning.

Ladystardust said in the beginning that telling his wife would destroy her…so that is not a good idea, AND if a mistress tells the guy’s wife she’s playing around with him, she may get her head handed to her.
Poor advice!

 

[schaubj57]

Goodie goodie! A fake and condescending prayer! I heard those are Jesus’ favorite!

I wasn’t the one who said you were a troll, but you appear more and more trollish as you attept tp argue. You took the comment out of context…and you’re being very silly.

I’m not arguing. It’s sad you feel the need to attack people and continue to attack people for absolutely no valid reason. The first line of your response shows me all I need to know about why you are here and what your motives are.

 

[acadiANNA]

You are headed for a heartbreak. There is no way this could end up being a leave-his-wife-marry-you situation. It’s not a forever thing. Find someone worthy of you.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

ladystardust,

This is adultery. Anything you wouldn’t do in front of your spouse is considered adultery. Porn is adultery. Going to strip clubs is adultery. Lap dances are adultery. Kissing, fondling, and caressing another person besides your spouse is adultery. You need to let his wife know about what has been going on. It is your duty to confess and tell his wife what her husband has been doing. She has a right to know. You would want to know if you were her. This is betrayal and lying. It doesn’t matter if they were not married in a Catholic Church. It is still adultery.

P.S. This married guy has a lack of character. He is lacking morals. He is sinning.

No! Do not tell the wife! It is not her place to tell the wife. Imagine if the husband was able to turn from his ways, go to confession, and live a holy life as a good father and husband. Telling the wife is not the place of the mistress, and serves only to destroy a family most likely for her own benefit.

 

[Kelfa28]

No! Do not tell the wife! It is not her place to tell the wife. Imagine if the husband was able to turn from his ways, go to confession, and live a holy life as a good father and husband. Telling the wife is not the place of the mistress, and serves only to destroy a family most likely for her own benefit.

…and if he doesn’t?

What is stopping him from moving on to another woman, if he hasn’t found another already, and engaging in an intimate relationship with someone else?

This poor wife is probably at great risk to contracting a disease that she would have no way of protecting herself from.

Keeping the wife in the dark will prevent her from making informed decisions on her health, the health of her future children, on her own protection and her new child’s protection.

We aren’t talking to the husband. We have no idea what the husband’s true intentions are so all things should be considered.

If it were me? I’d want to know.
I’d want to know so I could protect my health, protect the family finances (from being spent on various mistresses and other people), and protect my mental health and well-being.
I couldn’t care less who told me.

If I was told I’d be upset but at least I’d be informed and could make informed decisions.

Personally, I thinking keeping a wife in the dark about something like adultery is very dangerous.
She may or may not want to reconcile and she is well within her right to do so. She wouldn’t be sinning either way but she could at least protect herself from serious harm delivered to her that is completely against her will.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would want to know, but NOT from the woman!

Exactly. There will always be the suspicion that the mistress is telling the wife because what she really wants is for the wife to throw her husband out so that the mistress can have him. This has been known to happen, after all, especially when the husband has been lying to the mistress about wanting to leave his wife. She gets impatient and takes matters into her own hands. Telling the wife will be seen as a bid to ruin the marriage, to insert yourself into the marriage.

I do not know a wife who would not say, “Just tell HIM it is wrong and needs to stop, tell HIM his wife deserves better treatment because it is what he promised, tell HIM that if his marriage is awful then he needs to work on it instead of running around with other women, and then tell HIM that you are cutting off all contact with him and looking for a relationship that can be carried on in the light of day with someone who is free to marry you and doesn’t belong to someone else, instead. Then LEAVE HIM. PERIOD!! Never come back! Once you’re gone, then for better or worse, we’ll handle it ourselves. WE DON’T NEED YOU!!” Would she maybe like to know, too? Maybe. But that is a big maybe. If you tell it like it is to the husband and then get out, you’ll have done your part with regards to the wife. OP, it would be a big favor to yourself, the wife, and ultimately even the husband if you do that ASAP.

If he gives you any lines about the Catholic faith allowing this, he’s flat-out lying. Do not stick around with a liar–someone who has failed you in the integrity department more than twice and doesn’t confess until he is likely to be caught–even if he is free to marry. If anyone has the capacity to lie to your face and never turn a hair over it, once is enough. Don’t stop to analyze him. Run.